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A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting - Family (3) - Nairaland

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Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by romeo(m): 11:25am On Sep 03, 2011
Your father should give you some space in your new home, He's invading!!
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by dudubody: 11:33am On Sep 03, 2011
abeg my people, let the married men in the house respond, because this topic is about the husband, no disrespect to our mothers. To start with, we dont know y the hubby wants the FIL to inform him, it could be because he wants to be close to the man. personally  i dont want a link between my FIL and me, i want a direct link. if my FIL send a message like that thru my wife, i will call him and tell him how bad i feel, i think as a son-in-law, we should be free with each other, there is no way on earth i would say no if he tells me he is coming. i prefer my parents dealing with my wife and her parents dealing with me cos it makes life easier for couples, this make both sides feel accepted. this is how my marriage has been for years and i have been enjoying it
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Dsage1: 11:58am On Sep 03, 2011
Dat's why i always pray dat all my children be male.imagin taking a permision 4m som1 b4 visiting ur duaghter ova whom u ve spent alot of money to trained.@op,i guess mayb u did d same wen his family were coming or mayb ur father is poor/illiterate or over dependent on ur family cos a wel to do father wud b welcome by his in-law irrespective of weda he was informed or not.Trust my father,my elder broda&sista alway wnt him to visit dem but dis man wont go excep we ar doing somtin he needed to.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Sholaf(f): 12:25pm On Sep 03, 2011
Your dad should have informed your husband about his visit, then pass on the message to you.
I think you should have been diplomatic on the issue.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 1:03pm On Sep 03, 2011
The idea of a visiting father in-law even sounds weird - especially if he intends to stay overnight or for several days. Very weird indeed. That role is typically for mothers and mothers in-law. Na wa for some agbaya men sef.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Gbenge77(m): 1:15pm On Sep 03, 2011
Unannounced visits should be frowned at.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by afroxyz: 1:26pm On Sep 03, 2011
If a president is visiting another country does he inform the vice? If a governor is visiting another state does he inform the deputy? The father-in-law shld hv informed the hubby. That way the hubby wld nt feel that his in laws wnt 2 run his home through his daughter. Also it helps in the bonding of both individuals. Letz cut the crap about culture. Even the bible says a MAN and WOMAN shall leave their families and CLEAVE to each other. The daughter is now another man's responsibilty. But the wfie should also have handled it with tact to avoid misinterpretation
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Pennywise(m): 1:39pm On Sep 03, 2011
@Topic
Generally no spousal acquiescence should be considered necessary. But there are some in-laws whose visit at any time carries a red flag for a partner and this goes without saying. For these in-laws the partner should have a right to veto any such visit.

In my own case its important for the in law to enquire from their sister if I concur for their peace and security including personal safety when in the house
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by spyder880(m): 1:41pm On Sep 03, 2011
The only thing I don't want is for the relationship to be strained, this could affect the kids. Like someone mentioned earlier on this thread, granny/kiddie relationship adds a lot of benefits for the whole family. I know because my mother and mother in law are both enjoying a holiday in my house and my kids always burst into tears if any of them wants to go back to their houses. My mum says seeing the kids makes her feel more fulfilled, story telling every night, outings, grooming, etc.

This inlaw should be reconnected into this family. He should be invited by the son in law and they should clear the air, apologies, discussing the way forward and benefiting from each other.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 1:57pm On Sep 03, 2011
This is a very interesting thread indeed. Before any outsider to the immediate family (by this I mean anyone apart from the man, wife or kids) visits the family, he or she should receive an express approval from both parties. It is not enough for the man to say ‘my dad, bro or mum is coming’. He must receive express approval from his wife. No one should have the monopoly when it comes to visits. It is important for the couple to get along well with their in-laws but the in-laws have to behave well to earn the continued love and respect. I think in-laws should learn to give space to couples.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Pennywise(m): 2:08pm On Sep 03, 2011
OP reading through your first post, I am sorry to say but your husband is a loser with a low self esteem. Your father strikes me as a man who is very sensitive and noble in his ways.

We are seeing more and more of young men with low sense of self worth apparently on account of 'below-peer' accomplishment trying to extort unearned reverence from families and in-laws. This must not be tolerated. They deserve to be ignored or rebuked.

You as the wife sound more like a captive. In what manner of marriage are you?

1 Like

Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 2:20pm On Sep 03, 2011
It is sad that people still live in an old world. Educating your kids and giving them the best is something responsible parents would do. Picture this: You love and care for your kids and invest (as some people would say) lots money on them in ‘training’ them. Guess what would most likely happen (everything going to plan) when you grow weak and unable to care for yourself? They would ensure that you are well taken care of and do not lack anything. It comes naturally.
You do not barge into someone’s house just because you (sent her to Yabatech or UniLag or OAU). She is married FFS.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Teaman(m): 2:22pm On Sep 03, 2011
To be honest, I don't know what kinda of relationship exists btw ur husband and your parents, but I think it is stupid for any man (at least we Nigerians with a respectful culture) to demand to be informed personally before wife's parent visit their home. After all, you had the wisdom to inform ur husband about your father's coming, and that to me is enough, as he now knows of his coming, whether he has been told personally by ur father or u have helped pass the message.

Althoough, I am not married, but I can't believe people can be so haughty and rude to their in laws shocked
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by demmykay: 2:47pm On Sep 03, 2011
its necessary he inform your husband as he is the head of the house and besides he owns the home
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by deadie(m): 2:49pm On Sep 03, 2011
Nice thread with different views. Initially I took the side of the husband, but after some analysis, I think her dad was right in all he did. I placed myself in both men's shoes. If you were the dad, who would you call? Obviously it will be your daughter. You inform your daughter knowing that she would relay the message to her husband. And If I were the man and my daughter called to tell me to inform her husband, I guess I would exactly what the man did.

I am not married by lived with my brother who was married when I was in the university and I learnt a lot of things from him and his wife. Basically, he allows his wife deal with every of her family member while he dealt with his; no interference on any side. For instance, if I did something she didn't like (which never happened anyway), she wouldn't tell me but my brother and vice versa, because they know you better understand your family and can communicate with them better. Such approach to things would avoid this kind of issues. I mean, what difference does it make to the husband when his wife had already told him? He wants some palm-wine to go with it?
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by deadie(m): 2:50pm On Sep 03, 2011
demmykay:

its necessary he inform your husband as he is the head of the house and besides he owns the home

Hey, I am a man and I don't necessarily believe that the man OWNS the home.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by deadie(m): 2:53pm On Sep 03, 2011
divine2043:

It is sad that people still live in an old world. Educating your kids and giving them the best is something responsible parents would do. Picture this: You love and care for your kids and invest (as some people would say) lots money on them in ‘training’ them. Guess what would most likely happen (everything going to plan) when you grow weak and unable to care for yourself? They would ensure that you are well taken care of and do not lack anything. It comes naturally.
You do not barge into someone’s house just because you (sent her to Yabatech or UniLag or OAU). She is married FFS.


Did you read the story or is it a problem of ability to comprehend? He DIDN'T BARGE into someone's house, he called up his daughter to inform her. Is that difficult to comprehend? This is just a sexist crap. If she had asked her husband to tell his father to do the same, what would have happened? You appear to be the one living in the old world.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 2:57pm On Sep 03, 2011
Deadie, Do not personalise things. I was not referring to the post but making a general statement. Learn to read carefully and if you do not agree with anything you are free to disagree. Do not personalise things as that is not the purpose of this website. Make your comments and air your views but do not attack other people. I would not attack back because that is not the spirit.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by deadie(m): 3:17pm On Sep 03, 2011
divine2043:

Deadie, Do not personalise things. I was not referring to the post but making a general statement. Learn to read carefully and if you do not agree with anything you are free to disagree. Do not personalise things as that is not the purpose of this website. Make your comments and air your views but do not attack other people. I would not attack back because that is not the spirit.

Obviously do not agree with your post in anyway, but do accept my sincere apologies for crossing the line. And I respect the maturity of your response.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 3:36pm On Sep 03, 2011
Apologies accepted and that's the way life is. People are of different backgrounds and hence see things differently.

Back to the subject and I think the extended family system which is common in Africa has many advantages and helps a lot in many ways. It must however be handled carefully and with wisdom and mutual respect in order to maximise its full potentials. If issues are handled the wrong way, there is then there is every likelihood that bitterness would set in.

In the perfect case, everyone (in-laws and the family in question) is happy.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Outstrip(f): 3:44pm On Sep 03, 2011
Geez. People's responses here just make it seem to me that maybe the husband was just being childish. What is all this he owns the home. He is the head of the home. He bought the couch. He painted the wall. He paid her school fees. It is so silly. Is it poverty that is causing this. The home belongs to the man and the woman. The man did not just walk in and see his father in law there. The father in law was not even staying for a long time. It does not matter if he sent his daughter to Harvard and it does not matter that the husband is the one paying for his father in laws upkeep. Are people really this unenliightened. It is obvious that people do not understand what the head of the house is responsible for. This is silly nonsense. It is so sad that a relationship that barely even had a chance to be built has been tainted by something so silly. Dad will always look at the son in law with a different eye now. Tomorrow she will have to ask the head of the house if he will prefer salt or maggi in his food. So childish
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 3:58pm On Sep 03, 2011
//
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Firearm(m): 4:03pm On Sep 03, 2011
^^^

pls reply my mail ma'am
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Outstrip(f): 4:09pm On Sep 03, 2011
chaircover:

It is interestng to see the different replies and so I ran this past my husband beause I wanted his opinion.

He just laughed and said his favourite phrase " awon omo aiye isin yi" grin and went on to say what would have then happend if the baba or mama had just turned up nko? would the husband have chased his parents in law out?

His opinion is that;

1. the husband probably has a complex. Maybe the wifes parents are quite rich and hubby felt that he needed to prove a point hence the I need to be respected comment

or

2. The FIL and the SIL had pre existing problems.




And your husband is exactly right. That is basically it in a few words
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 4:34pm On Sep 03, 2011
You didn't have to tell your dad. Your husband already said it's okay he visited. All you had to do is to tell your husband to use his own mouth to tell your father he has to come through him first before consulting 'mere mortals/squatters' in his household.

You don't have to put it that way, just pass the message across.
It's so weird saying that to a dad when he too has an ego to deal with.
Next time just try and remove yourself from unnecessary heat.

1 Like

Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by NAJALYN: 5:02pm On Sep 03, 2011
When you discussed with your dad, you should have told him that your husband gave his consent that he should visit. And then proceeded to appeal to him to ask your husband as he is the head; just because you feel it is the right thing to do, not because your husband wants it to be so, simple. If you had done that, your father would have cooperated with you. Both of you will have to go to your dad to appologise. The only problem now is that you will never be able to convince your dad that your husband gave his approval for him to visit. He will feel that you are merely trying to protect your husband. Generally, I dont see why a family member, either from the man's side or the woman's side, should inform the couple before visiting. They should come whenever they wish to visit. Obtaining such permission is foreign to our culture.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by blank(f): 6:40pm On Sep 03, 2011
I asked my husband 4 his opinion. We both have differing opinions. I feel the dad shld av asked the husband and he feels its no big deal.
However, we both agree that the op did not handle it well. Shld av diffused d situation. Maybe asked d husband 2 call d dad or just drop d issue 4 next time.
Anyway, why is d FIl staying in dir house? He shld av stayed in a hotel n saved himself d embarrassment. My dad always sleeps @ a hotel when he visits. Its his thing.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by SleekReek(m): 8:14pm On Sep 03, 2011
Good day guys. I am newly married. Few weeks after our wedding, my father called me to say he was coming to spend few days after in our house after which he will proceed on his trip.[color=#990000][/color]

Married man speaking; First of all it worries me that just a few weeks after they are married the father wants to visit,afterall they should be on there honeymoon in the first few weeks,it's natural to give newly weds space,i suspect the husband is upset about this and thus is reacting. Secondly the man(husband) is in incharge of the house but the woman(wife) is in charge of the home,the father should have called the man and most likely he wouldn't have refused,however if he called the wife,she should have responded that she has to first discuss with her husband or ask her father to call her husband as he is the head of the house,by doing this she clearly shows them that her husband must be respected and can't be by-passed. However the wife going back to tell her father to now call her husband after she has probably accepted for him to come,is not wisdom as she has put her husband on the spot,wrong move. The remedy is for the husband to call the father speak with him man to man and sort out the issue amicably.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by occam(m): 8:47pm On Sep 03, 2011
why all the protocol? na state visit? na wa o. when you guys build a mansion he may start asking for entry visa smiley

well since you're a newly married he's simply asserting his authority as THE MAN OF THE HOUSE. Hopefully, his attitude we'll change When he's focus shifts to ensuring financial security for the family, putting kids in school or meeting extended family obligations.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by emmatok(m): 8:51pm On Sep 03, 2011
Outstrip:

Geez. People's responses here just make it seem to me that maybe the husband was just being childish. What is all this he owns the home. He is the head of the home. He bought the couch. He painted the wall. He paid her school fees.  It is so silly. Is it poverty that is causing this. The home belongs to the man and the woman. The man did not just walk in and see his father in law there. The father in law was not even staying for a long time. It does not matter if he sent his daughter to Harvard and it does not matter that the husband is the one paying for his father in laws upkeep. Are people really this unenliightened. It is obvious that people do not understand what the head of the house is responsible for. This is silly nonsense. It is so sad that a relationship that barely even had a chance to be built has been tainted by something so silly. Dad will always look at the son in law with a different eye now. Tomorrow she will have to ask the head of the house if he will prefer salt or maggi in his food. So childish

I see no reason to insult the poor husband here, because he already approved his Baba Iyabo visit.

The husband just suggested to Iyabo :
I actually told my husband, he said it was ok but at least my father should have called him too to inform him as his son in-law and the head of the house and a mark of respect

Is that too much to ask?

And instead of letting the issue die, Iyabo decide to  called her father, and told him what her hubby said.

Well Baba Iyabo didn't take the news well , so he called off the visit.

The Hubby has done noting wrong at all.

What is Baba Iyabo looking for, the marriage is just few weeks old and he is bringing confusing to the young couple.

If he is so protective of his girl, he shouldn't have given her out to be married.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by occam(m): 9:02pm On Sep 03, 2011
pro01:

The idea of a visiting father in-law even sounds weird - especially if he intends to stay overnight or for several days. Very weird indeed. That role is typically for mothers and mothers in-law. Na wa for some agbaya men sef.

hmnnn you're correct; its very rare for FILs (especially the wife's father) to visit
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 9:43pm On Sep 03, 2011
Some guys and ego sha!

Why must your father-in-law inform you personally that he is coming. Afterall, your wife has informed you. Anyway, I think people's backgrounds are different but I see absolutely nothing wrong with what your father-in-law did. I would do exactly the same myself. Both of you have become his children and he can tell whomsoever he chooses that he is visiting. The two have become one, both are now children of the same parents and I dont think we always have to remind our wives we are the head of the family.

I have been married over 5 years and I have never used that line "I am head of this family" cos I dont need to; my wife know who the head is. African men and ego, God will help us.

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