Sit him down and talk heart to heart with him, sending him abroad might look like an ultimate solution but i tell you its not. He might end up achieving nothing in the next 5years except looking fresh.lol but seriously, my candid advice is to sit him down, let him understand why he has to go to school again, if you can afford a private university, its a good option cos you have your graduation date from the date you matriculate. promise him a master's degree abroad immediately after school and he'll have a good reason to focus and also something to look forward to.

Then do your job, he might need more attention than you gave him previously, and remember never to compare him with anyone or mention his mates' achievements when talking to him. I had a similar issue but mine was quickly reversed and i was able to trace my track

When parents think that their responsibility lies with securing admission for their wards and footing the bills of their upkeep, this is what happens regrettably.

Most times, cases of this nature happens in Private schools.
Your child needs a lot of talking to cos, this shows he clearly have nt got a vision for himself.

I know someone who did almost exactly the same thing your son did. Coincidentally, he was studying computer science in the university.
His parents sent him to Aptech to do their full two year course. Along the way, he did certification exams from oracle and cisco. After his course, he had the option of studying for one year in a uk school to obtain a b.sc. He chose middlesex university which has a branch in maritius. It was a far cheaper option than living in the uk. Now he has a B.sc in computer science and he even wants to do his masters. I don't know if he took up that option.
But you can propose the option to your son. He should be very receptive to it.

Do not send him abroad if u really care about him. The way i see it,sending him abroad right now is like sending your problem out of your sight so you can fool yourselves that you have done something right when in actual fact you shipped the problem out of sight.

I hear a lot of people asking you the mother to get close to him, you have failed, Pls what about your husband?? if he has been a passive Dad till now well he has to sit up, he is a son to both of you not just you. Stop covering for him when you talk to your husband. His father does not hate him he cares for him just as much as you do. Let your husband do his work too don't shoulder the burden of straightening him out.

Time and tide waits for no man. Your son does not know what he wants which is why he wasted five years. He does not know himself yet you have to make the decision for him.Register a professional course, someone here listed some for him, check out others as well. Be firm with him. If you can get him a job no matter the little it pays do that as well let him face the reality of what SSCE cert can fetch for him. Do not rule out getting him back to the University sometimes when kids put up such a hostile and know it all behaviour inside they are actually praying you force them to do the right thing. Anyhow you know force works on him try it.

Finally you need to check out if he has picked up some bad habits like drug addiction it may be a major factor contributing to his focusless behaviour. Madam while doing your best pray for him without ceasing. He is not a lost cause.

madam your boy is 24 now,
let him get on the driving seat,it is his life not yours.
just support him on whatever he intends to do,show him love,forget about his mistakes in the past (3yrs + lies),
be always there for advice and surgestions.never try to impose,let him lead.

I see you have other children who have graduated from University so you want the same for him, but maybe you are just pressuring him to get the degree, University is not for everybody, ask him if there is anything else he wishes to pursue and support him in his choice as long as it is not illegal, people don't need university degrees to be successful.

I spent 5 years studying for a degree and I cannot remember anything I learnt, never worked with my degree and feel like I wasted 5 years of my life!

@OP I SUSPECT THAT GUY IS UP TO SOMETHING HE SHOULD BE PROPERLY CHECKED, IF POSSIBLE GATHER INFO FROM HIS FRIENDS ABOUT THE ISSUE.
STILL MY ADVICE IS FOR YOU PARENTS TO USE STRONG HAND ON HIM, SEND HIM BACK TO SCHOOL MAYBE ANOTHER SCHOOL AND MAKE SURE HE COMPLETES THE DEGREE. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR SENTIMENTS, HE DID A BAD THING THAT REQUIRES MAX. PUNISHMENT. IF HE IS NOW CONCIDERING HIS MATES THEN HE MUST NOT BE SERIOUS.WAS HE SLEEPING WHEN HIS MATES LEFT HIM BEHIND? AFTER ALL THEY ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT ARE OVER AGED STARTING FROM 100LVL. REMOVE THE SHAME IF NOT HE MIGHT END UP LAME IN THIS STRUGGLE CALLED LIFE, WAKE UP AND SIT HIM DOWN TELL HIM DAT HE IS STARTING OVER AGAIN IF HE DOESNT AGREE THEN ITS IS ALSO YOUR REPONSIBILTY TO KICK HIM OUT BECAUSE A CHILD THAT DOESNT LISTEN TO THE PARENTS SHOULD NOT BE GIVEN THE PRIVILAGE AS ONE, THANK YOU AND GOD GUIDE YOUR EVERY ACTIONS TOWARDS THIS ISSUE,

In 9Ja universities students quite for just 3 reasons.   


1.  Too many carryover due to lack of seriousness in their first/second year.

2. CULTISM.

3. NO blocking money.


so start by knowing what led to his withdrawal. At his age he should know what is good for him and if you must know, pride won't let him start all over so ask him what he really want to do with his life.

i left my mama when i was only 7yrs of age.i've seen the harsh side of life,but now i can authoritatively tell you that i've benefitted from what i saw outside my parent's house.i don't blame your son for his actions,but you for not telling him the truth about life,perhaps you over pampered him as a kid.

I think you should do more investigation and ascertain the actual reason for his withdrawal, majority of the guys that had problems like this when I was an undergraduate were either cultists or those who got carried away by the glamour of advance fee fraud ( yahoo or G) and decided to pursue that full-time at the expense of their education. Your son may need more than support, he may need rehabilation and a general overhaul of his mindset. Its sad it took so long for you to find out about this, and for him to keep the lies going for this long shows his level of maturity. You have to make him tell you sincerely what he wants to do with his life, the OPEN university he is clamouring for may be just to satisfy your desire for him to have a degree.

madam, I thought this was my story. I am studying at open university now. The solution is to let him to study at national open university, at full time one can graduate in 3-4 years. The stress of going back to same school environment is unbearable for him.

@OP: That is one sad story - all hope is not lost at least he has interest in the Open University thingy - grant his wish but you'd have to be very stern and interested in his academic activities this time around. One of the posters said Open Unv courses takes 3-4years full time, so why not just let him do it? I have a friend who has been deceiving his parents about school since we were in secondary school, he lied about being in Uni-Ilorin with a professionally typed result and papers by himself - his parents found out all of these and eventually returned to Ghana where they originally came from but the dude and I have always loved rap and now he has taken interest in it and works with samklef, skales etc So why not just find out if your son likes music or something? Then support him with it.

Dear Overwhelmed,

If your family resides in Lagos, the external/part-time campuses of Lagos State University [LASU] at Yaba, Anthony Village, Ikoyi etc are another option to the National Open University. They offer flexible part-time university studies over 5-6 years; classes run during the day and evenings as well. The academic programmes are approved by the NUC. A family friend's daughter was expelled from her university in 3rd year for irregular admission. She enrolled at LASU and eventually graduated with a 2:1

Perhaps, our son can get a part-time job or start a small business while studying. That might help induce a greater sense of personal responsibility in him.

Such a sorry situation for all!

Meanwhile, what are the opinions of his older siblings that have graduated?

You have to involve them, , they recently graduated as you mentioned, so understand university life more?

One more point, , why was your husband suspicious, in the past? What did he do?

r231:

not funny. . . not nice either

at all!

blacklion:

Dear Overwhelmed,

the external/part-time campuses of Lagos State University [LASU] at Yaba, Anthony Village, Ikoyi etc are another option to the National Open University.

pls say what u r sure of


@poster, there is much work to be done, u need to employ a councellor to councel him. what i feel though

sylve11:


at all!


pls say what u r sure of


@poster, there is much work to be done, u need to employ a councellor to councel him. what i feel though

Really? Why do you think they are not an option? I know of at least one person who went through that option and she has graduated now.

@overwhelmed, I will stop short of being a critic because thats not why u posted this.But we must go back and ask ourselves the hard questions.In this post @odiaero asked the first hard question and it was on my mind untill I saw it.I wondered why we let our thinking faculties switch off sometimes.The question should be asked what was the cause of his leaving school, but u seem not to be asking that.I don't care how much money u have to send him some place far away if the fundamentals are not addressed,you can send him to the moon, he would cause you even more heart ache.if he belonged to one of the gangs of miscreants which u find under various hollywood style appelations you should know that first his mental condition is far from normal and after falling for the first deceit of joining such gangs he has fallen for even more while he was within, so he is deep into several levels of deceit which no amount of sending abroad can cure.It's only getting him to completely do an about face on his understanding of the principles on which a good life should be lived that can help.Ask yourself where he learnt his habits and behavioural patterns from, and please dont be quick to say he didn't learn it from home, I love the holy books and some quotes in there,but I must say even if you "train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it, yes he will not depart from it when he is with you to deceive you into being comfortable with him, but I can assure you he can also learn and add new things, which might not fit the mold you trained him with.

Ben,has said it all,he is your son,pray for him and do your best to be there and not cast blames,its hard i can imagine,but u have to understand dese thing didnt happen totally because he wasnt well trained,u are not a good  parent or cos he is a bad son,people get defensive when they feel they have messed up and have gone too far to come home,he mite prove sturbborn it doesnt neccessarily mean he is not remorseful,sometimes we cant explain they things that happen to us in life,Love him but dnt let him become manipualtive as this might push him to that,make sure he is hanging out with sane people,encourage and support him,Most especially pray for him,pray that he finds his path and turns out well,when he does he ll always be grateful to u his parents,Violence is never an option.Goodluck with him.

I understand ur plight. My younger sister did exactly what ur son did. We didn't know she was no longer in school until the time for NYSC came. It was negligence on our part. However, we asked her what she wanted to do. She said she would like to go back to school. We made her realise that she has to take some responsibilities for her actions. We sent her to a fashion school and she proved to be a fast learner. Today, she sews well and she's making some money. She's planning to go back to school (she's 26) but this time she's paying her way thru and may get married along d way. God will see u thru. Just pray for His guidance on this issue and don't nag.

This should be a lesson to every young and prospective parents out there; be very interested in your child's affairs, invade their privacy if need be, they'll thank you later. But above all, let them trust you.

@ Poster, I can imagine your pains and I imagine you are the loving type too. Find out what his real problems are although I know (and talking from experience too) some kids really do know how to shut everyone out, But don't give up on him now. The abroad option sounds fair, risky but fair. It willl be his second chance. He shouldnt screw it up.

This is a lesson, sending a child to school isnt all, monitor him in that school! University is a world on its own and the student live all sorts of lifestyle within its wall. The damage has been done now you need a damage control. Find out what he has achieved within that time he wasnt in school and build on that foundation. Desist from forcing him to do anything rather reason with him, he is 24 !!!! He talks about Cisco in India? what has he done so far in this line? any certificate qualification so far? check for textbook he has in this line, what other exams has he attempted? Get a professional to interview him on this line before further throwing away your money on this venture again. Finally, find out whether he is academic line oriented i.e. Does he have the "Brain" for it? if not you need to accept the bitter truth, let him go to technical school to learn a trade if you insist on a certificate. A 24 years old boy isnt a kid anymore!!!! accept that!!!

Sorry i forgot!!!! don't send him anywhere abroad !!!! you would be making a great mistake!!!! someone that cant achieve anything within a familiar territory would be useless in a strange territory except if you have money to waste. A lizard at home would not turn into a crocodile if dropped in the forest !!!!

Let hm start all over bcus he's stil young,at 24 some of his mates are stil waiting 4 admissiön.

I once forged my report sheet in high school to show that i attended classes regularly, i was encouraged to do so by my friends, it was the only way they knew, that i could hide all the times i left school to play football, and to them, there was no big deal, their parents never found out.

When i took the results home to my dad, the dude knew instantly from the look i wore on my face that i was up to something dodgy, so he did a careful scrutiny on my result, i should include that my friends were expert at forging documents, he almost could not spot the changes i had made.  But the hunch he had got the better of him, despite being very busy and all he grabbed the phone and booked an appointment with my vice principal, at that point, i knew the die was cast, the dead man's legs clearly remained un-buried.

That week, my dad became a surgeon turned FBI, he got the list of all my friends names and their addresses, and he took the pain to write letters to each of their parents, telling them to warn their kids to stay away from me.  The funny part was i didn't even get beaten, but the cold look i get each time i stare at him across the room was enough to drive me nuts, that look says it all, the dude was clearly disappointed.  Now thinking about it all, I'm sure glad the decisions he took made me the better person i am.


What else are you just finding out about your son?

How many friends does he keep?  Do you know any of his friends?. . .are they responsible?. . .are they from good homes?

How does he react to peer pressure?

Has he ever indicated that he suffers from self esteem issues?

What is his idea of achievement?

You mentioned that he dropped out in year 2, do you know why?. . .was he because he's not interested in pursuing a higher degree?

Despite being his mother and all, does he take your advise seriously?. . .when was the last time he honestly took your advise seriously?

What influence does his older siblings have on him?  is he motivated by their success?

Xavier1976:

This is a lesson, sending a child to school isnt all, monitor him in that school! University is a world on its own and the student live all sorts of lifestyle within its wall. The damage has been done now you need a damage control. Find out what he has achieved within that time he wasnt in school and build on that foundation. Desist from forcing him to do anything rather reason with him, he is 24 !!!! He talks about Cisco in India? what has he done so far in this line? any certificate qualification so far? check for textbook he has in this line, what other exams has he attempted? Get a professional to interview him on this line before further throwing away your money on this venture again. Finally, find out whether he is academic line oriented i.e. Does he have the "Brain" for it? if not you need to accept the bitter truth, let him go to technical school to learn a trade if you insist on a certificate. A 24 years old boy isnt a kid anymore!!!! accept that!!!

na real wa. You "monitor" a child in primary school, you "monitor" a teen in secondary school then "monitor" a MAN in the university? When does this person start to take some responsibility for his own life? Should the parent also "monitor" this man during his masters degree too?

@OP
This is one major issue most parents have been, and will continue to battle with as long as our educational institutions remain in this status quo.
First of all find out if he is a cult member, It will be difficult for him to concentrate here since, as you submitted, your home is close to his school, meaning he will always have access to his gang to spend whatever money you give to him. There is every likely hood that he belongs to one, since there is nothing to show for all the money he had been collecting for 3 solid years!(apart from obviously running clubs/girls/booze).
In that case i will advise a complete change of scene, he needs to get away from his current crop of friends/influence. Send him where ever, but let him leave your immediate environment.

Secondly, telling you that he needs to go to India to do CISCO is a blatant lie. He can do the first and 2nd levels of CISCO certifications(CCNA and CCNP) right here in Nigeria. Even the only level (CCIE) that might require traveling abroad is only open to people with hands on practical experience of designing and managing network environments.

There are many of them in the federal university where my sister works and their parents do not have a clue as to the evil going on.

My dear I understood how disappointed you were, but that your child is up-to something. Did he tell you his problem, because I believe you suppose to know why he stopped at second year. It might be that he had joined cult and might have done something terrible. For him to choose Open University shows, he does not want to expose himself any more. Taking abroad to study is not a good choice. Let him stay with you and go Open University so you can monitor him. Some kids are extremely weak that their friends influenced their life.

I think Coogar offered the best advice. He should go for certifications as he is ashamed to start all over again.

SO THINGS LIKE THIS STILL HAPPEN? WHEN SOME OF US ARE WISHING TO HAVE PEOPLE TO PUSH US THROUGH SKOOL WITH ALL THIS ZEAL ONE HAS NA WA OOO, I THINK 2 THINGS CAN WORK FOR HIM, IF HE HAS INTEREST IN COMPUTER THEN ENROL HIM IN APTECH AND WITH HIM IN THE IT WORK COMPLEXITIES WON'T BE A THING OF WORRIES OR JUST THROW HIM UPSTATE UK WHERE HE HAS TO REALLY THINK BEFORE HE GET 1PENCE THEN HE'LL SIT HIS BUTTS TIGHT DON'T EVEN THINK OF SENDING HIM TO USA EXCEPT FOR SCHOOLING BUT IF YOU REALLY WANNA DRILL HIM AND MAKE HIM ACHIEVE I THINK UK'LL HELP HIM BLEND EASILY,

blacklion:

Really? Why do you think they are not an option? I know of at least one person who went through that option and she has graduated now.

why do you think National open University is not an option?