prof.femi:

@Outstrip
You do not need to be rude na. How can you say of a mother of 7 asking for advise: "The parents are not serious minded either". It's all the more painful because YOU ARE WRONG!

I have been a lecturer for a few years now (ahem) and I can count on my digits the number of parents that have actually come up to me for regular updates of their children's performance , especially in cases like these in which the child seems OK academically (note his WAEC and UME results?). So please get off your high horse. If you have advice, spill it, if not, leave things you know little about alone.

@OP
People have tried to be helpful but please note this: we are all trying to psychoanalyze a boy based on a few paragraphs of info. We're basically shooting in the dark, I will try to be brief because this subject is one that usually requires long discussions with academic advisers.

1. You should not force your child to do something he does not like
2. However, sometimes, due to the wisdom that comes from being older, you may "know" that a particular path he is treading is not as good as alternatives (for example, if you ask me, for reasons I can't go into now, Open university is not a good idea)
3. In such situations, if you try to convince him by yourself, he won't bulge. You will risk pushing him away from you.
4. I suggest you find someone in academic or IT circles that he respects or could respect. instead of advising him yourself, help yourself by trying to make sure that at least he's listening to advise from people who  know what they are talking about.
5. His case is not as unusual as you (or he!) might think
6. Whatever else you do, try to avoid either of two extremes: pushing him away or making every talk a change "to help him repair his life" VERSUS pretending everything is rosy and completely avoiding the issue. He's no kid, and will hate either extrems.
7. Once again, nobody would hope to offer mush help on this kind of issue using a few paragraphs. I have engaged students on similar discussion for months and even after that, success is unfortunately not assures.
8. Best of luck.  I admire you for looking for help for your kid in every possible forum. Keep at it, and he WILL thank you for it WHEN (not if!) he makes it.

Hey prof
Yours is unique and very beneficial to me for my case. Fortunately all the points you raised my responses are positive. I sincerely appreciate your contributions and encouragement. Will see how we can discourse on this "one on one" Thank you.
(1)

I think the main thing you should be working on right now is changing his mentality towards life. Let him understand that he can still make it even if he failed a thousand times! Let him understand that the best he can do for his life right now is investing it on education. Remind him of the story of the prodigal son who wasted many years in a strange land with riotous living yet he realizes his mistakes and retraced his steps. Your son must realize his mistakes too and make amends. If you push him into business now, no matter how big the capital may be, he won't be able to manage it. The most important thing he needs now is right thinking, the believe and ability to rise up after a fall. Let him also understands that a good percentage of his failure can be attributed to his friends and hence, he has to turn away from them and make new friends with positive minds and the zeal to make it big in life legitimately. Lastly, draw him close to God. But you the parents, how strong are you in God? Were you able to lay that good foundation for him when he was at that infant stage so that when he grows up, he won't depart from it? A good percentage of his problem can also be put on you. But then, God is never late. There can be a turnaround. Goodluck!

I am with Outstrip on this. She hit the nail on the head! GBAM! There is no way that in 4-5years of this boy going to school that you did not suspect something was not adding up. Maybe with 7 kids you are too busy to pay attention. But not all children are the same. Some need help and close supervision more than others. I am against the sending abroad issue, you are only going to create a problem that will lodge itself abraod. He will now get the freedom to truly misbehave and waste your money. You are also reinforcing in him the fact that failure is ok, mummy and daddy will find an alternative for you whenever you fail. Also know that your other kids are learning and watching how you handle this issue. The only thing that works with kids like this is tough love. He is a man now, and should be prepared to earn his meal. It is either he goes back to school or finds a job. He can start as an apprentice in a mechanic shop if he thinks he is too big for school. This is the problem with kids that are too smart sometimes. They become too smart for their own good and arrogant. At the same time the parents think that they dont have to worry about that particular child. Just let him know that as you are leaving for work in the morning, you want to see him leave for work too. Everyone should leave the house and go to work or school. If he refuses then for his future and for your future or life (children handicapped in life skills can be the cause of your death tomorrow), send him packing. It is your house not his. He either abide by the rules or live on the streets.

its sad you and your family are going through this. I cant even begin to imagine the disappointment but do not give up on him yet. I wouldn't advice taking him abroad and I am really surprised many people here are giving such advice. I have lived abroad for more than sixteen years of my life and the biggest mistake I made was not finishing my university education. sign him up for certificate programs, that will be the best bet for now. And if it is possible make him realize that he lives his life for himself and not for no one else, so the idea of letting pride keep him from continuing his university education is a no no. I am forty years old and I just went back to college. Its the best decision I have made for myself since living here. Education, Education, Education. he can never go wrong with that.

Monitor him in school, separate him from bad friends etc         Are we talking about a grown man here or a 4 year old. Someone else says do not cast blame. What the hell does that mean. You should let him know that he screwed up big time. Let him be angry. That is part of the process of being responsible. Wow. Even my 4 year old understands that there are consequences for every action.

@prof.femi HE IS NOT A CHILD. I am scared of were Nigeria is headed if the young adults in Nigeria are still being bailed out my mummy and daddy at a point in their lives were they should be using their initiative to make things happen. Where are the young leaders if we are still calling 24 year olds children. THEY ARE NOT CHILDREN. Wow. I am just afraid for that country.

2mch:

I am with Outstrip on this. She hit the nail on the head! GBAM! There is no way that in 4-5years of this boy going to school that you did not suspect something was not adding up. Maybe with 7 kids you are too busy to pay attention. But not all children are the same. Some need help and close supervision more than others. I am against the sending abroad issue, you are only going to create a problem that will lodge itself abraod. He will now get the freedom to truly misbehave and waste your money. You are also reinforcing in him the fact that failure is ok, mummy and daddy will find an alternative for you whenever you fail. Also know that your other kids are learning and watching how you handle this issue. The only thing that works with kids like this is tough love. He is a man now, and should be prepared to earn his meal. It is either he goes back to school or finds a job. He can start as an apprentice in a mechanic shop if he thinks he is too big for school. This is the problem with kids that are too smart sometimes. They become too smart for their own good and arrogant. At the same time the parents think that they dont have to worry about that particular child. Just let him know that as you are leaving for work in the morning, you want to see him leave for work too. Everyone should leave the house and go to work or school. If he refuses then for his future and for your future or life (children handicapped in life skills can be the cause of your death tomorrow), send him packing. It is your house not his. He either abide by the rules or live on the streets.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is the attitude in the country as a whole. Failure is applauded. It is not get your ass up and make it happen. That is why Nigeria is so screwed up. Expectations are so low. As you can read madam is only listening to people that her petting this grown ass man. Even her husband, the child's father already raised an issue years ago. I am sure she was the one who jumped to her son's defense. Now she is here again trying to clean up his mess. It looks like he takes after mom. They don't learn from their mistakes. Mom here is making sure that he also keeps that mentality up. You cannot teach someone something you do not know. She does not know and does not want to know.

Outstrip:

Monitor him in school, separate him from bad friends etc         Are we talking about a grown man here or a 4 year old. Someone else says do not cast blame. What the hell does that mean. You should let him know that he screwed up big time. Let him be angry. That is part of the process of being responsible. Wow. Even my 4 year old understands that there are consequences for every action.

@prof.femi HE IS NOT A CHILD. I am scared of were Nigeria is headed if the young adults in Nigeria are still being bailed out my mummy and daddy at a point in their lives were they should be using their initiative to make things happen. Where are the young leaders if we are still calling 24 year olds children. THEY ARE NOT CHILDREN. Wow. I am just afraid for that country.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is the attitude in the country as a whole. Failure is applauded. It is not get your Bottom up and make it happen. That is why Nigeria is so screwed up. Expectations are so low. As you can read madam is only listening to people that her petting this grown Bottom man. Even her husband, the child's father already raised an issue years ago. I am sure she was the one who jumped to her son's defense. Now she is here again trying to clean up his mess. It looks like he takes after mom. They don't learn from their mistakes. Mom here is making sure that he also keeps that mentality up. You cannot teach someone something you do not know. She does not know and does not want to know.  

Wow, take a chill pill, will you? If you're so perfect, why don't you go and fix him yourself since you know what's best and have the perfect solutions to the issues and the problems in the country as a whole What you wrote up there was uncalled for, making assumptions about the mother and putting her down like that. I don't know why people can't reply to threads without being rude. You can be firm without being disrespectful, ya know?

Outstrip:

Monitor him in school, separate him from bad friends etc         Are we talking about a grown man here or a 4 year old. Someone else says do not cast blame. What the hell does that mean. You should let him know that he screwed up big time. Let him be angry. That is part of the process of being responsible. Wow. Even my 4 year old understands that there are consequences for every action.

@prof.femi HE IS NOT A CHILD. I am scared of were Nigeria is headed if the young adults in Nigeria are still being bailed out my mummy and daddy at a point in their lives were they should be using their initiative to make things happen. Where are the young leaders if we are still calling 24 year olds children. THEY ARE NOT CHILDREN. Wow. I am just afraid for that country.

I dont know why this one case has become the yardstick for the entire country. In fact the babying of adults is much worse in the US! Are you afraid for it seeing you live there?

Outstrip:

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is the attitude in the country as a whole. Failure is applauded. It is not get your Bottom up and make it happen. That is why Nigeria is so screwed up. Expectations are so low. As you can read madam is only listening to people that her petting this grown Bottom man. Even her husband, the child's father already raised an issue years ago. I am sure she was the one who jumped to her son's defense. Now she is here again trying to clean up his mess. It looks like he takes after mom. They don't learn from their mistakes. Mom here is making sure that he also keeps that mentality up. You cannot teach someone something you do not know. She does not know and does not want to know.  

Would you mind not parlaying an entire nation of 150 million and more into this one single case? Failure is applauded? Well not in my home and i grew up in nigeria . . . expectations are low? Really? In a nation where every parent expects their child to be a doctor or engineer by force? You and i must be looking at completely different countries.

Look this seems to be a general trend, people emigrate to foreign countries built by others and then turn around crying more than the bereaved about how bad nigeria is every second. Expectations are far lower in the US, i notice that educational standards here besides grad schools are far poorer than what we have. A typical Naija 14 yr old can do justice to complex math problems that your average college 19 yr old american would see as greek. Abegi dont tar us with the same brush.

Also if he chooses to go to school again, go by yourself and pay the school fees. Make sure you have an impact in his life and monitor his progress. Get to know his teachers, time table and the curriculum. Get access to his results sheets, either by close contacts with the teachers or having access to any online result database the school may use. It may be humiliating to him but he has lost his right to privacy, and trust the day he "STOLE" 3 years worth of school fees. He should also be made to pay back that money by doing a lot of house work to keep him busy and away from the younger siblings. You have too many children by the way madam, this rotten egg can spoil the whole bunch. He may be your favorite, but you have to carry the stick now. He has lost trust, and has disappointed you all and himself. It will take a lot of hard work for him to regain that.

2mch:

Also if he chooses to go to school again, go by yourself and pay the school fees. Make sure you have an impact in his life and monitor his progress. Get to know his teachers and the curriculum. He has lost his right to privacy and trust the day he "STOLE" 3 years worth of school fees. He should also be made to pay back that money by doing a lot of house work to keep him busy and away from the younger siblings. You have too many children by the way madam, this rotten egg can spoil the whole bunch. He may be your favorite, but you have to carry the stick now. He has lost trust, and has disappointed you all and himself. It will take a lot of hard work for him to regain that.

what? Is he 2 yrs old?

davidylan:

what? Is he 2 yrs old?

Of course he is two years old. A full grown adult that knows the consequences of his actions will not behave that way. I am sure with 7 kids this woman's money is over stretched. A child creating such a burden on the parents is showing that he is not capable of being treated like an adult. You teach people how to treat you. And if he is going to rely on his parents for food, clothes, and school fees at 24 then he will have to take what ever humiliation and treatment they give him. Otherwise, there is space in oshodi for any future area boy.

well,
lies are never good, but u should talk to him about what he wants for his life, and supports him
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I bet a lot of us commenting on this thread had fathers that were married at 24. @ OP, he's your child and what you do is up to you; I am a mother and I have a son and I'll tell you in very certain terms that if my son tries this he'll become a mechanic or vulcanizer apprentice.

A single kobo of mine will not be spent on sending him back to school to pay all over again for something I've already paid for.

una don dey run una mouth!
I grad @ 26, but LASU gv me my kpali @29.
I'm 31, i don get job, marry, born 2 fyn babes.
Haba!
Even mark zuberberg started facebook @ 18, and was on scholarship @ havard w/out palle and malle contributing cici.
Call ya pickin poster, woz am hot slap, naked am, ask am wetin im use u and hussy retirement money do, im dey craze?
Na so una do come born dem? Abi im no no say im get junior ones? Im f**her there!
Harass am, yab am, make shame catch am to eat ya food join.
Since say im wan b black sheep, allow am! Im go take im hand find dye later.
OP, abeg no worri yaself, u still get many to think of.
Plenty pikin, plenty wahala o!

naijababe:

I bet a lot of us commenting on this thread had fathers that were married at 24. @ OP, he's your child and what you do is up to you; I am a mother and I have a son and I'll tell in very certain terms that if my son tries this he'll become a mechanic or vulcanizer apprentice.

A single kobo of mine will not be spent on sending him back to school to pay all over again for something I've supposedly paid for.

Liar!!

I bet you will not sit down and watch your son fall through the gap.  Not if you've had fancy dreams about him even before you had him.

I bet most people commenting here wouldn't take their own advise were they in the OP's shoes.  While it's easy to threaten a child using statements such as "I will disown you if you try this". . ."I will withdraw you from school and force you to become and apprentice in a low skilled job". . . .all of that is usually just what it is, empty threats, none of which anyone here will ever be happy to do. It's the easiest thing to sound tough, acting tough is a different ball game.

No one wants his child to become a societal misfit, i know i don't.  I will be much happier in my seventies, if my kids are successful leaders in their careers,. . .not them spending their days under the bonnet, in the hot sun, struggling to get by.

violent:

Liar!!

I bet you will not sit down and watch your son fall through the gap.  Not if you've had fancy dreams about him even before you had him.

I bet most people commenting here wouldn't take their own advise were they in the OP's shoes.  While it's easy to threaten a child using statements such as "I will disown you if you try this". . ."I will withdraw you from school and force you to become and apprentice in a low skilled job". . . .all of that is usually just what it is, empty threats, none of which anyone here will ever be happy to do. It's the easiest thing to sound tough, acting tough is a different ball game.

No one wants his child to fall through the gap, i know i don't.  I will be much happier in my seventies, if my kids are successful leaders in their careers,. . .not them spending their days under the bonnet, in the hot sun, struggling to get by.

I am may have the most fanciful dreams for him and I certainly will be happier with a son that is successful, however, the one thing that I am certain of is that coddling him will not help him nor achieve whatever lofty dreams I had for him.

I may run from pillar to post if he's 18 and not when he's 24. In life some lessons have to be learned even if it's the hard way

naijababe:


I am may have the most fanciful dreams for him and I certainly will be happier with a son that is successful, however, the one thing that I am certain of is that coddling him will not help him nor achieve whatever lofty dreams I had for him.

I may run from pillar to post if he's 18 and not when he's 24. In life some lessons have to be learned even if it's the hard way

No, cuddling him will not help him, neither will leaving him to his own fate.  Life deals a hard blow, harder than most people think. Life shoves people up or down the rung, any lessons learnt by the time he's at the bottom will usually be useless.  No one, i dare say, including you, will ever be happy to watch this happen, and i dare say any parent will likely continue running from pillar to post till they run out of options. . . .yes, even if the dude is 32!

While I have been responsible for myself since my early 20s, my parents still worry terribly if speaking to them, i mentioned that I'm having cold or flu.  They know that I can take good care of myself, should that stop them from being emotionally disturbed?. . . .how much more on issues dealing with financial independence and sustainability?  please let's be real, 18 or 24, to his parent, he's still their kid and they will still continue to seek the best for him.

I remembered how my dad had threatened to disown unruly children quite a few dozen times. He soon realized during my undergraduate crazy days that diplomacy is usually the best route. no one will realistically ever leave their kids to their own fate, . .well, at least, most people won't.

Yield:


Wow, take a chill pill, will you? If you're so perfect, why don't you go and fix him yourself since you know what's best and have the perfect solutions to the issues and the problems in the country as a whole What you wrote up there was uncalled for, making assumptions about the mother and putting her down like that. I don't know why people can't reply to threads without being rude. You can be firm without being disrespectful, ya know?

And why should I? because you said so? Pleae walk away from my post if you do not like it. I know she is not listening to me but I will write what I want because she needs to hear a second opinion. Where did I put her down. If not for his mother he would do better. That is what I am observing from her posts. He has a good chance of changing his life for the better but she will not let him. You can now go and sue me

davidylan:

I dont know why this one case has become the yardstick for the entire country. In fact the babying of adults is much worse in the US! Are you afraid for it seeing you live there?

Would you mind not parlaying an entire nation of 150 million and more into this one single case? Failure is applauded? Well not in my home and i grew up in nigeria . . . expectations are low? Really? In a nation where every parent expects their child to be a doctor or engineer by force? You and i must be looking at completely different countries.

Look this seems to be a general trend, people emigrate to foreign countries built by others and then turn around crying more than the bereaved about how bad nigeria is every second. Expectations are far lower in the US, i notice that educational standards here besides grad schools are far poorer than what we have. A typical Naija 14 yr old can do justice to complex math problems that your average college 19 yr old american would see as greek. Abegi dont tar us with the same brush.

If you choose to be silly and say that I counted every single one of the 150 million people in Nigeria in there when there are people like Okonjo Iweala and many people I know who are succesful and live and work in Nigeria that is your own problem. Generally that is how thing work in Nigeria. You can choose to act like it doesn't. Parents tell you what to do with your life and you are basically trained not to make a decision on your own. Generally there it is frowned upon if you think on your own. It might even have you labeled as the black sheep. That is my point. That is just bad parenting. It is easy parenting and not solution driven. People are just trying to cover this perceived "shame" when the focus is letting him learn his lesson. Anyway make I commot before someone says I am perfect because I have a different opinion. As for being rude I chose to be purposely nasty to you because you chose to be purposely simple. What can I say

naijababe:

I bet a lot of us commenting on this thread had fathers that were married at 24. @ OP, he's your child and what you do is up to you; I am a mother and I have a son and I'll tell you in very certain terms that if my son tries this he'll become a mechanic or vulcanizer apprentice.

things were different and easier then. completing secondary school alone guarantees a job of a clerical officer in a bank. and by the age of 16-18, most of those folks completed their secondary school with mouth-watering jobs to take. i doubt there were 40 million jobless youths in nigeria then.

these days, it's a different ball game. asides the private universities, the average age of a university graduand is around 28. years and years of strike from the lecturers, unpaid salaries, different student riots, etc have stagnated most students and have turned them into babies.

A single kobo of mine will not be spent on sending him back to school to pay all over again for something I've already paid for.

easy for you to say.
many of you mothers don't even know if the child fails, the parents have also failed.

if i were his mother, i will not give up on him. . . . . . .until he gets it right.
i wouldn't care how long it would take. my son is my son - will not let him rot away because of what the society thinks.

Outstrip:

If you choose to be silly and say that I counted every single one of the 150 million people in Nigeria in there when there are people like Okonjo Iweala and many people I know who are succesful and live and work in Nigeria that is your own problem. Generally that is how thing work in Nigeria. You can choose to act like it doesn't. Parents tell you what to do with your life and you are basically trained not to make a decision on your own. Generally there it is frowned upon if you think on your own. It might even have you labeled as the black sheep. That is my point. That is just bad parenting. It is easy parenting and not solution driven. People are just trying to cover this perceived "shame" when the focus is letting him learn his lesson. Anyway make I commot before someone says I am perfect because I have a different opinion. As for being rude I chose to be purposely nasty to you because you chose to be purposely simple. What can I say

What gives you the right to utter so much rubbish? What makes you feel you are better than others and can make better decisions?  Your post is filled with so much filth it stinks to high heavens.

People come here with their real problems not because they want strangers to tell them how they should have lived their lives!. . .not at least if those strangers are humans, who are very capable of making worse decisions.

You come here to teach a mother of seven on how to be a good parent?  can i ask that you shouldn't expose the rest of us to the utter rubbish coming out from your thoughts? Did you read where she mentioned that 3 of her children are graduates and probably very well to do?  or were you suffering from minute shots of dyslexia when you got to that point?  does the fact that one has an unruly child make them a bad parent?  what senseless way to think!

If you don't have suggestions, why not go green? save some space for those who have something sensible to say!

For God sake the OP has trained three graduates, which some people (women) castigating her are yet to achieve.

The boy actions is not new, all he need is a lot of attention.

@op Whether he is 24 or 44 his is still your son, anything you do for his is for your future JOY.

So Don't give up on him.

Outstrip:

And why should I? because you said so? Pleae walk away from my post if you do not like it. I know she is not listening to me but I will write what I want because she needs to hear a second opinion. Where did I put her down. If not for his mother he would do better. That is what I am observing from her posts. He has a good chance of changing his life for the better but she will not let him. You can now go and sue me

'Take a chill pill' = "Relax." Unless you literally want to take a chill pill. I mean, you do seem to need one :/. For real. And I can't make you do zilch. You yourself already said she isn't listening to you, so how is your perfect approach or advice-giving working? Besides, how do you expect her to listen to you when you're being condescending? Let me quote what you said to the OP, "I am sure she was the one who jumped to her son's defense. Now she is here again trying to clean up his mess. It looks like he takes after mom. They don't learn from their mistakes. Mom here is making sure that he also keeps that mentality up. You cannot teach someone something you do not know. She does not know and does not want to know." Don't you think that was too much for you to say?? You're not living with their family to know what goes on and how she has tried. I am not a mother, but I'm pretty sure every mother wants the best for their children and I'm sure she has been doing her best and trying, not just for this son, but her family as whole. If she didn't want to help her son, she wouldn't have made this thread. And she's here for advice because she thought there're rational people here who can offer her some views, in a tangible way, and address her like the human being she is. She has seven children and the older ones have all graduated. That's still a great accomplishment, so I say a big kudos to her as she must be doing something right after all. I imagine raising seven children can't be easy. The last thing she needs is someone chastising her or talking to her like she has failed as a mother. You go on threads acting like a know-it-all and your solutions are perfectly packaged. And not only that, you do it in such an insulting way that people cannot take you seriously. You can't be yelling at someone or speaking to them without courtesy and expect the discussion to move forward civilly. Then again, you yourself already said she isn't going to listen to you (and why would she?), so you already know your manner of communication isn't effective. Yet, you said, "I know she is not listening to me but I will write what I want because she needs to hear a second opinion?" How is she going to hear a second opinion when she is not going to listen to you?, as you state. You're contradicting yourself.

Yield:

'Take a chill pill' = "Relax." Unless you literally want to take a chill pill. I mean, you do seem to need one :/. For real. And I can't make you do zilch. You yourself already said she isn't listening to you, so how is your perfect approach or advice-giving working? Besides, how do you expect her to listen to you when you're being condescending? Let me quote what you said to the OP, "I am sure she was the one who jumped to her son's defense. Now she is here again trying to clean up his mess. It looks like he takes after mom. They don't learn from their mistakes. Mom here is making sure that he also keeps that mentality up. You cannot teach someone something you do not know. She does not know and does not want to know." Don't you think that was too much for you to say?? You're not living with their family to know what goes on and how she has tried. I am not a mother, but I'm pretty sure every mother wants the best for their children and I'm sure she has been doing her best and trying, not just for this son, but her family as whole. If she didn't want to help her son, she wouldn't have made this thread. And she's here for advice because she thought there're rational people here who can offer her some views, in a tangible way, and address her like the human being she is. She has seven children and the older ones have all graduated. That's still a great accomplishment, so I say a big kudos to her as she must be doing something right after all. I imagine raising seven children can't be easy. The last thing she needs is someone chastising her or talking to her like she has failed as a mother. You go on threads acting like a know-it-all and your solutions are perfectly packaged. And not only that, you do it in such an insulting way that people cannot take you seriously. You can't be yelling at someone or speaking to them without courtesy and expect the discussion to move forward civilly. Then again, you yourself already said she isn't going to listen to you (and why would she?), so you already know your manner of communication isn't effective. Yet, you said, "I know she is not listening to me but I will write what I want because she needs to hear a second opinion?" How is she going to hear a second opinion when she is not going to listen to you?, as you state. You're contradicting yourself.

Yield can you follow something else. You are accusing me of not being in her family. Are you there yourself. Do you know anything else that she did not post. She has said that more than a few years ago her husband was worried. She has said that even though she knows that this man child lied and possibly stole from them she still wants to keep fixing things. I cannot tell her how to raise her man child. I did not carry him with her. All I know is what she has said and I responding to that information. Not what you or anyone here else wants to faniticize about including of course the poster. She did not come here to seek opinions she came here for people to tell her to keep up the "good work" I just did her a favor and quickly burst her bubble. I hope this man sorry child will work through his emotions on his own totally ignore mommy and make a point to fix the mess she helped him create. People are saying don't give up on him. I don't know when teaching your children consequences equals giving up on him. if it were a thread about beating a 9 year old for stealing a piece of meat from the pot half the crowd here will say beat him up so he will never forget. A grown man though should be cuddled so he does not get depressed. Three years of this charade and was even about to start imaginary youth service had he not been caught. SMH. Na una know. I don't have to have a 24 year old to know that she is a significant part of the problem. I was 24 once and so were many people I know who also had parents who set expectations for their children. I don't know in what fantasy land that things work out well when someone does not meet expectations and yet things still all fall into place. He should be apologizing not being on the defensive but who am I to say anything. I don't have a 24 year old child. Be more worried about what would posses him to keep this for so long and not even have a plan to fix it or let you know. It is not about mommy or even daddy. It is about him if they will let him be and let him fix it.

^^^^
Shut up and leave dis thread. U're beginning to talk too much trash. How can u say a mum who has successfully raised many childrenn is a bad parent because of one deliquent? People are responsible for their actions.

I hate holier than thou people like u and i would have put a bullet in ur head if i was seeing u physically. Na pple like una pikin dey end up as criminals and touts. Foolish girl.

What level of education did you get to. Where did I say she was a bad parent. First of all you learn how to spell. Secondly comprehension is key. I said it was bad parenting. Did you also drop out of school and then paid for your certificate. Listen respect yourself and keep moving. sigh

Outstrip:

People are saying don't give up on him. I don't know when teaching your children consequences equals giving up on him. if it were a thread about beating a 9 year old for stealing a piece of meat from the pot half the crowd here will say beat him up so he will never forget. A grown man though should be cuddled so he does not get depressed. Three years of this charade and was even about to start imaginary youth service had he not been caught. SMH. Na una know. I don't have to have a 24 year old to know that she is a significant part of the problem.

I was 24 once and so were many people I know who also had parents who set expectations for their children. I don't know in what fantasy land that things work out well when someone does not meet expectations and yet things still all fall into place. He should be apologizing not being on the defensive but who am I to say anything. I don't have a 24 year old child. Be more worried about what would posses him to keep this for so long and not even have a plan to fix it or let you know. It is not about mommy or even daddy. It is about him if they will let him be and let him fix it.

So the OP opened up a thread saying "My son has a problem, we are very disturbed, how can we fix things".

and the best response anyone could mutter is "He's an adult, let him face the consequence of his own actions". 

if they leave him to his fate, he will lose out and they will lose out, is that the sort of consequences you are talking about? How exactly will leaving him to face the consequence bring a positive result?  Since when does one fix a wrong with a wrong? 

So you haven't raised a 24 year old, and you'd like to teach parenting to someone who has raised four 24 year olds?  How about you teach me how to fly a space ship?

I know my parents will be doing exactly what she's doing--->looking for people's advise and opinion,--- not contrary to what you and many others have opined earlier, locking me out to face my own problems alone.

And since when does seeking for advise translate to "cuddling him" and "bad parenting"?  what exactly will you do differently?  tell him to go fix his own life outside of yours? do you have kids at all?

If someone has raised 3 kids up till a graduate level, and the fourth of her seven children towed the wrong line, does that still make them bad parents?

From where in the original post did you assert that the dude's problem was mostly compounded by his mum's effort or the lack of it?---> I suspect this is probably just the typical African way of thinking, when a child has gone off the mark, the mum is to blame, how about the dad?

To all those telling her to send him 'abroad', who is she sending him to? To a relative, or to the streets? Living and surving abroad is much harder lately than in the 80s and 90s. My tip to you, sit him down and ask him what he wants for himself. To me 24 is still a young age in Nigeria. There so many options out there for him, its not all about school. He can pick up vocational training in interior design, fashion design, photography, videography, and styling. He can then go to school later. And lastly, pray; never stop praying for God's intervention in his life.

All this noise can easily be fixed the sooner you give him to life to see wassup.

If you trained him well, he will see the error of his ways long before things get critical.
It seems you're at thee stage were anything you tell him when counselling him about his life is seen as nagging.
Listen carefully, when things get to this stage, the only thing that can make him see reason is the sad realization LIFE brings upon one as to the error of their ways. His own will simply be a realization of how much time he has wasted being a screw-up and how it is HIS life he is putting on hold not any one else's.

Take your parental pride out of it. All that should leave your mouth any further is "My dear, It's your life". Nothing else, because there is nothing new you want to tell him that he doesn't already know.
He is going through a phase of agbaya-ish angst that only HE can bring himself out of after having become a man first in thought, and then in deed.


I don't know what y'all mean by don't give up on him. How is giving someone space to grow and leaving them to feel the effect of their choices "giving up"?
You CANNOT [b]baby [/b]a boy into becoming a man. NEVER.

This is very dangerous. Your son is detatched from reality. Imagine living in denial for three years! Look there is an underlining problem here beyond his academics. Before you do anything, first find out why he kept this kind of situation away from his parents for so long. If you dont sort this out and try to make him communicate more, you may have suspended the problem instead of solving it. Then there are so many things he could do, let him go to the open university, let him get involed with proffessional qualifications like ACCA, ICSAN, ICAN. MCSE etc. Believe me at the end of the day he might come out better than his mates. Pray for divine guidance for you. Goodluck

When you say

All this noise can easily be fixed the sooner you give him to life to see wassup.

.

are you implying that she does nothing and simply wait till the dude realizes what an agabaya he's become?  not minding things may be too late for all parties concerned to do anything about?

I understand and respect the principle of each individual to his own life, but one must question the sanity of spending 24 years bringing up a man and then leaving them to become social misfits, all because you want life to teach them lessons.  I have met those who got taught by "life" and whose lives changed negatively forever for that.  Any reasonable parent will continue to explore all means possible to bring out the best in their children, babies or grown men.

Take your parental pride out of it. All that should leave your mouth any further is "My dear, It's your life". Nothing else, because there is nothing new you want to tell him that he doesn't already know.

Easy to say you don't you think?  Put it how you like, but if the children you've raised are social misfits, then you've failed.  There's absolutely no pride in watching 24 years of work touting away in the streets or spending the rest of his life, merely getting by.

I don't know what y'all mean by don't give up on him. How is giving someone space to grow and leaving them to feel the effect of their choices "giving up"?
You CANNOT baby a boy into becoming a man. NEVER.

Like it or not, the dude knows fully well the likely effect of his choices.  He has likely thought about it many a dozen times--- he likely knows he's wasted his life----he likely knows he's disappointed his parents----i doubt if he's throwing parties as we speak----he's likely contemplate his future.  The problem of course is that he's got no clue where to begin from or how to begin , if anything, i doubt if "giving him space to grow" will bring by any positive result for anyone

@outstrip
Lets not mix two different things. I never said the boy (man) should be pampered. In fact I said little about how he should be handled on a personal level because we simply do not have enough information. I only complained about your judgmental attitude towards his parents. 

I fully agree with you that people *need* to see every side to an issue. I also think you are a smart person and generally have not been really uncivil to anyone.

However, I fear that this sub-thread (unfortunately including this post of mine, which I will try to delete after some time) runs the risk of distracting from the highly important issue on ground. I urge you to agree to disagree with those of us who have one issue or the other with your stand, and lets focus on the main issue: how can this young man get back on track?

Thank you.

Outsrtip is a Naugthy-person.
Imagine telling a woman with 7 kids that she should go learn parenting. The animal also has the guts to diss Nigeria just because she wants to tell us she managed to go live as a second class citizen in another man's land.

I'm really pissed at people's comments. Why not move on if u have no intelligent advice to give. We know your type, hypocrites who pamper their children indoors and tell others to skin theirs alive.