This article has nothing to do with abusive relationships!!!


"Men are not the enemy, but the fellow victims. The real enemy is women's denigration of themselves."

Betty Friedan



I have recently been thinking about some issues to do with the female gender and in light of today being International Women's day, I would like to share one with you

There are many beautiful sayings in my language (Yoruba) that describe how much of a blessing mothers are, for instance ‘Iya ni wura – mother is gold’, ‘Orisa bi iya o si laye – there is no idol like a mother in the world’ etc. I am sure that other languages have their own ways of expressing these sentiments. However, there is another saying that is frequently used when praising mothers which does not sit well with me:


‘Nitori omo, o jiya n'ile oko - Because of her children, she suffered in her matrimonial home’.


I want to focus on the ‘n’ile oko’ (matrimonial home) part. I have heard this saying used so many times for non-abusive relationships and I simply do not get it! I accept that parents make huge sacrifices because they love their children but is it not a bit much to insinuate that a particular parent is responsible for the suffering of the other in marriage? How come a lot of the sayings that have to do with marriage are expressed with depressing language anyway?!

Why is it that the same adults who continue to paint marriage as this ‘hell on earth’ deal are the same ones who pressure young women to get married? If marriage is all about ‘iya’ (suffering), do parents who pressure their kids and then spend a lot of money on weddings not care about their children? Are the people dancing on a wedding day happily sending the bride into a life of slavery?

You can say Payme is here making a mountain out of a molehill but how many times have you heard ladies talk about marriage like it is not based on personal decisions? Do we just end up married to random men? A lady falls in love with a man, they ‘both’ decide to get married; yes it is a two way decision - he decides to ASK and she decides to say YES! They have amazing and bad times but then it is the woman that is ‘j’iya nile oko’?

My point is this, men exist in relationships too. We have somehow been brought up with this stereotype of men having no feelings, “men are this, men are that”; men also say “women are this, women are that”. We are inherently different, no two women are the same, no two men are the same and definitely one woman and a man cannot be the same. So, how about we see each other as humans with flaws?

Relationships, either with work colleagues, siblings or partners all need work to survive. Hard times are natural and again, I am not talking about abusive relationships here. Are we trying to say when married women have issues that need to be worked on, their husbands are blissfully happy while being completely oblivious to the plights of their wives? Even when a man is irresponsible and a woman decides to stay with him, it is her decision! There is no dignity in labelling women as victims when it comes to dealing with the consequences of their decisions and actions.

If parents could stop segregation in homes, for example by putting an end to assigning house chores based on children’s genders (boys wash cars while girls cook and clean), the ‘males are superior to females’ stereotype might not take root in the children and they would see each other as being equal thereby reducing the stereotypical attitudes to gender in their adult life. This would also force the females who are quick to milk the ‘victim’ act to start taking responsibilities for their actions. I do not think there is a female who is 100% feminine in all the aspects of her life, same with men. People should learn to deal with each other based on the ‘human’ scale. This would sure reduce the pressure of expectation on each individual based on their gender.

One thing I know is this, whenever I think of my parents’ relationship, I would rather think of their beautiful experience of falling in love, their decision to get married and ‘their’ commitment to stick with each other against all odds. Definitely, children benefit a lot when parents stay together but while I acknowledge that parents make great sacrifices for their children, I do not want to believe that there is any child who would want to think that their mother is suffering in a harrowing relationship because of them. I love my mother too much to be that selfish and I refuse to see my mother as a ‘weak(er)’ being.

Please, throw the stereotypes out! Do not label women as victims in life’s natural circumstances.



PS: I will always play Asa's 'So beautiful' to my mum on mother's day. Right after telling her to ignore the line with the saying of course lol.


Please support my blog Payme's 2Cents [http://paymes2cents..com]

Follow @payme_my2cents

In every culture there are at least 5 women who have drastically changed the nation/culture in terms of influence and sacrifice.