nairalanders pls help, my mind is in disarray and my heart is in shreds.
i have this guy, whom i really care for, i've even grown to love him. it's been less than 4 mos that we've been dating, yet into the 1st month he'd already begun telling me "i love u". this frightened me b/c in the past, i've had guys tell me they love me so fast, then things ended up disastrously. he continued to tell me almost daily, until i demanded he stop. u know, most girls love by what they hear and i didn't want him to make me fall 4 him b/c he kept saying those magical words to me. he never tried to sleep with me, just held and spent time w/ me and i felt he was a wonderful guy. aside from work and school, i took up all of his time and i felt secure with him, i even initiated the sexual aspect of our relationship once we got 2gether.
when i 1st started talking to him, b4 we got involved like that, he'd told me he wanted to be married by age 31; he was wks shy of his 30th bday. this struck me as odd b/c he didn't have a g/f, most guys date someone 4 periods of time b4 deciding to marry them, not declare a date despite not even having anyone. i thought 'wow, what a dream' b/c most guys (in this country anyway) practically get dragged down the aisle lol.
now i'm not so sure. now idk if he wants to marry just to stay in this country. the more time we spent, the more frequently he spoke of marrying me next year, babies and stuff. we've spent time w/ his young cousins and i could see how he adores children and would be a great father. but was he meaning what he was saying? he's shown me in many of his actions that he cares 4 me, but how could he love me so fast and want to marry me? although he'd known of me 4 like 8 mos, only about half of that was spent actually getting to know me. he told me he'd been admiring and liking me from afar b4 then. is it a nigerian thing, or am i being bamboozled? graduation is approaching, and he keeps saying he wants to marry me after then. the way i've always fantasized it, i'd have an engagement ring, there'd be an element of surprise, not just talks of it, like it's a business arrangement. could that be what it is to him? recently i discovered that he's here on a student visa and it expires when he's done w/ school so i guess then he must return to nigeria, or be here illegally? unless he's married to an american, or sponsored by a company?? also found out that he used someone else's info 4 the job he has (w/ permission), b/c he cannot work while here on a student visa, or some confusing thing like that?
my heart hurts b/c i do love him, even though i've never told him. word has floated to my ears that he's using me to gain citizenship, but she's american like me, so from a nigerian aspect, what do u guys think? thanx a mill.

Hmm, a hard call. It could be real, or it could well be a proposal with intent to secure citizenship, I have no idea.

Really, the best you can do at present is be firm with him, and tell him you're not prepared to get railroaded into marriage, at least not right now. I'd be inclined to wait at least 2 years, if he loves you as much as he claims, that shouldn't be a problem, and he should respect your decision.

You're right to have concerns, talking about babies already is strange. What is his status in the United States currently? What does he do for a living, or is he a student? How financially solvent is he? If he was a t least a US citizen, it would be easier to comprehend, but even then, he'd have no right to put pressure on you to marry him, and start a family! It just doesn't ring true, and deep down, I'm sure you've got doubts too.

There's time to get to know him, so please, don't do anything rash, and listen to what your friends say. Best of luck.

he is here on a student visa, i guess allowed to study only then return home? he studies engineering but 4 now he delivers newspapers @ night but he told me he used a friend's info to get the job b/c he can't get papers to work on a student visa?? idk, it's all so confusing to me.
about the child thing, he said that his mom keeps asking him about wife and child status whenever he calls back home. he said pressure is on him to produce grandchild since he's the eldest and living abroad. he told me it's expected of him as part of his culture to take a wife and make a family b4 a certain age. this is what he says, but i do not know

adetina:

he is here on a student visa, i guess allowed to study only then return home? he studies engineering but 4 now he delivers newspapers @ night but he told me he used a friend's info to get the job b/c he can't get papers to work on a student visa?? idk, it's all so confusing to me.
about the child thing, he said that his mom keeps asking him about wife and child status whenever he calls back home. he said pressure is on him to produce grandchild since he's the eldest and living abroad. he told me it's expected of him as part of his culture to take a wife and make a family before a certain age. this is what he says, but i do not know

Sounds like his time's almost up. And he wants to marry you, in the hope of making his stay more permanent. The baby thing's part of this plan to keep you tied to him. Please, don't get pregnant, and don't marry him - yet!

Yes, it's part of African culture to become a family, but why should the onus be placed upon you to make this happen? It shouldn't be your problem! And ask yourself, what's he been doing all this time? He's now thirty, and still in education, and from the sounds of it, no savings behind him. It would appear he's had a wasted life. Tread carefully, you don't want to be saddled with a wastrel!

adetina:

he is here on a student visa, i guess allowed to study only then return home? he studies engineering but 4 now he delivers newspapers @ night but he told me he used a friend's info to get the job b/c he can't get papers to work on a student visa?? idk, it's all so confusing to me.
about the child thing, he said that his mom keeps asking him about wife and child status whenever he calls back home. he said pressure is on him to produce grandchild since he's the eldest and living abroad. he told me it's expected of him as part of his culture to take a wife and make a family before a certain age. this is what he says, but i do not know

Already, dishonesty has become a part of the scenario. The bald facts are, he's broken the terms of his study visa, and the US authorities will be well within their rights to deport him, and deny him future entry.

Why do folk make things so hard and complicated for themselves?

noo, graduation isn't until january, so he's still good on his student visa here. um, i don't judge him on the lateness of his education; he's 30 and in his final year of school true, but some ppl need time to figure out which way they wanna go, or may make poor choices b4 realizing and rectifying themselves. at least he's finishing, and i respect that. but the issue @ hand are his intentions with me, i just don't want my feelings played with. i'm hoping this not to be a nightmare, no wants to invest time and emotions in someone all 4 nothing, right? i'd love to marry him but not feeling unsure the way i do. our intimacy has even changed b/c he is quick to lay me w/out use of condom, and that worries me. i never want to be tied to a guy only by the seams of a child, so no worry of me getting prego there. i just want to be sure b4 i do anything, and not make any hasty decisions that i'll regret later. i thank u 4 your input

That's ok, Ade. Just be careful, and don't get pushed into having a baby till you're ready.

This story is not convincing to me at all.

Men who push you to put your life aside just to satisfy their selfish goals are better lost than found.

well i think no matter what you do you should take everything slow dont rush to get married because you feel that your biological clock is ticking
then again who knows this might be the man God has given you either way take it slow so you could find out if there is something else behind the rush to the alter


have you ever spoken to his parents and do they seem like they are expecting you to have their grandkids?

can u summarise ur mail?

adetina run for your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . He's already admitted to a little dishonesty. He'll do more as long as you enable him. We've seen this scenario so many times. marry some sucker to procure residency status.
There's something called woman's instinct. It's talking to you right now.

wzup ??

@Adetina

Just be patient and watch this guy for sometime. Don't be in haste to make decisions. Trust me guys are not like a box of chocolate, you know exactly what you get when you pick 'em. Just chill and flow with his yab, sooner or later he will reveal his true picture and you will be able to read all of his pages like Oprah's book of the month. Please don't rush anything just because he spits sweets. open your eyes and watch, i'm a guy and i know our true intentions usually comes out with time. Also becareful of advises that tells you to run without a solid proof that his fake. he might be an angel in disguise. Goodluck, babygirl.

The truth it is difficult to tell whether his intentions are real and not motivated by his status. He might truly love you and he might just be scheming for his permanent status. My advice: give yourself time to discover him. Time surely reveals people. True love is patient. If he loves you he wont pressurize you. Nobody intends to marry wrongly but people do, no matter how careful they are but you can only increase your chances by taking your time and clear all your doubts. Doubt in any form is not good for any relationship. Adetina keep me posted.

@gbimbola

Why would she keep you posted Here goes another one, Nigerian playboy ! Do you need US citizenship too ??

dear sister just be careful.careful and calculated.
wish you all d best !

@ omega,

that is what is baffling me: whether he is real or not. when i told him of my suspicions, he denied wanting me only so he can live here permanently and told me that there are plenty of others he could arrange to marry just to stay here, if that's all he were after. but he insists it's not.
i've never spoken to his mum, whenever he talks to her it's mostly in yoruba and the little bits of convo i manage to pick up pertain to money and barrels being sent there. omg the more i think of all the loose ends, the more i'm feeling like a fool, the more i'm hating him 4 deceiving me and hating myself 4 falling 4 his trickery.
wow, i feel like such a sap 4 trying so hard to learn about his world so i could fit in, when all the while i should've just stayed in my lane.


in summary, wanted to see from other aspects if my bf wants me 4 me, or 4 the purpose of gaining residency or whatever it's called. b/c whenever i speak of my fears, i'm told i'm being too analytical of the circumstances. but i'm not too certain and don't want to make foolish choices either way, @ chairman

lol @ run 4 my life.
really, he didn't admit to anything dishonest @ spoilt. it feels as if i'm the madperson, b/c he tells me i doubt him 4 no reason, he has no reason to lie to me, blah blah. it's maddening!! his aunts n friends look @ me and say i should take good care of him cuz he's such a great guy and this makes me question me, like am i just being dumb? he does treat me really well, has even given me his last but will this expire after we wed? i just want my want my woman's instinct to lead me to truth, not over the cliff when i give up a good man. i just wanna be sure, but it's so damn hard.

lol sweet t. thanx, i hear u

@ bimbo, i'll update posts, thx

thank u ify, thanx 4 everyone's contributions

when i said run for your life it wasnt in jest. I meant it. When in doubt, DONT!
Dont want you coming here to start another thread on how some nigerian guy, broke your heart, and fled.
His aunties and uncles will all be syrupy sweet even calling you "our wife". Of course they want him to stay in this country! Lol.
The only way you'll really know is if you dont marry him till his student visa expires! Just dont give in before that visa expires woman! Watch him. The more you hold out the more desperate he may become.
and yeah some men pay to marry for papers ,others will just sweet talk some unsuspecting woman and get it for free.(with lots of free sex and nice hot free meals thrown in for good measure!) And dont you let him knock you up. You know better than that!!

i know. im a cynic.

@Spoilt

Nigerian women and their advice. Most Nigerian relationships will last if Nigerian women can stay out of couples business. Even western women of today are learning a bit of submission to their men. But no be Naija sisters. Agidi ti po ju!!

its obvious this is a visa scam and u're gullibly falling for it. my reasons:

1. A man who is dubious enough to decieve the state by working using his friend's details is already a man to whom fraud is like second nature.
I would be wary when pple like that tell me they love you.

2. As an international student he is entitled to work after his first yr on authorization by the INS (usually a formality for most pple), why didnt he go that route? why use a false identity?

3. He wants to marry u 4 months after meeting you? I smell fraud!

4. He is 31 and just finishing a first deg i guess? i suspect he is probably illegal and not even on a student visa. U shld find out.

5. Why did you have to find out his status? Every girl i dated was well aware of my status from the begining so each was free to make a decision whether they wanted to continue with the relationship or not.

Open your eyes, remove the scales of "i love you" and run. You have a right to expect to be wooed by a responsible man and proposed to like every other woman out there not entering marriage as if you were entering a business contract.

have you spoken to his mum has he met yours.
Nigerians are very into family. if this is not the case forget him.

The magic word here is caution!

Nigerian guys could be very deceptive. You can be with them for several months without actually finding out what they are or up to.

Take your time to know him and tell him to tell you the truth, I mean everything about him. Let him tell you why he actually wants to get married to you.

It's possible he's sincer, it's equally possible he has a girlfriend, fiancee or even wife back here in Nigeria and just wants to use you for his parmanent stay.

What is dis world turning to sef?

Dear Adetina,
Everybody marries cos of love and what they feel the other person can contribute to their lives.

What gives you the impression he can't arrnge an 'akata' for himself?
If he was doing this to an Oyinbo woman,you could say its because of papers,he's nigerian ,you're nigerian what else do you need??

You admitted you guys were acquaited for sometime before he stepped to you,so whats your stress??

I'm talking from a guys point of view,if you trully love him & he seems like a husband material, go for it ! But like someone said go slow not too fast.

did she say she is nigerian? she is not Nigerian

Ok,if she ain't nigerian,then my suggestion doesn't count

@ Adetina; do not allow people myopic and vindictive opinions to sway your reasoning; from what you have said about this guy; he seems a good guy; and you love him- there is no hard evidence that he is using you or intends to use you. There are no guarantees in relationships and i think with his level of education he knows what he is getting himself into;
Points to consider
1) If he had his paper and you met him and he´s discussing things like settling down, having kids with you; future etc would You have an issue with that ?

2) That he did not initiate sex -should count for something; and that he is involving he´s people should as well

3)That He wants to have kids with you; knowing fully that if he bails out on you ; he will spend the next 18 years earning paying out on child support; most guys that wants to do a runner or wanting paper prefer to do it without the involving the implication of having a child.

4) Like someone earlier pointed out if he was after the paper; it would be easier for him to do the arrange marriage business as it will probable be cheaper than him spending his money and time with you.

5) If you really love; then forget about the paper stuff; dont let the paper thing get into your head as it has done for many to the peril; if you are prepared to love him and cherish ( counts for both) nothing should come between you, dont now use it as a weapon against him. Sister ur citizenship is no big deal; as he has told you it can be bought.

What is wrong with people these days; what is wrong with someone finding a person he loves and she fufilling all his requirements in everyway. If you are in hes shoes wont you pray to meet a (1) nigerian lady; (2) who loves you and (3) helps to get a pernament residence. Those eager to blast him on account of him working; please he is doing paper rounds probable in the cold as well; no big deal; there are worse things he could engage in.

I would never date an undocumented person.

Things like this you sort out from the beginning so you wont fall so hard for the person.

Sweet T:

@Spoilt

Nigerian women and their advice. Most Nigerian relationships will last if Nigerian women can stay out of couples business. Even western women of today are learning a bit of submission to their men. But no be Naija sisters. Agidi ti po ju!!

@ mr nigerian women basher.
If she didnt have her own serious doubts she wouldnt have come here on nairaland to ask for advice and opinions. The guy may like her but her having the right citizenship definitely makes her more attractive! she is being pressured into marrying him. Its making her suspicious. Its making me suspicious. Why the haste?

@btayo-1
You have said it all.It is quite amazing how people make a hasty opinion of trivial issues.
If I was in this guy shoe, I need to regularize my stay agreed, who says I cant apply for postgrad studies? who says I cant do "arrangee"? who says I cant seek help from fellow Nigerians with right 'networking'?
In a nutshell, as a student in the US, sky is not even your limit.
@poster
My advice, you dont have to be pushed into an 'early' marriage if you are not ready and travel out from your insecured shell and be prayerful, 'all that glitters is not gold'

Ify and spoilt, i agree with you both.

david, you are right. 1 year OPT is given to international student after their studies. he might have taken that route thinking he will have more years to work than going the only 1 year OPT route.

Poster,

Run four forty pls Mr. man wants his green card.

the truth is you can't be so sure of this but attest you can Three yourself the heart ache by taking your time to understand him and trying to Know him better.
Papers or no-papers, 4 months, is too small for courtship[s] _{worst bit with A Nigerian guy}[/s] they're quite smart, take your time see what happens in about A years time, even for an average relationship the love will still be hot within 4 months, just be careful All the best. too