El's December Collections - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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My Collections Of Crazily Funny Pics.... Hahahahahaha / Collections of Insane funny pics / Funny T-Shirts (Funniest Pic Collections Ever) (2) (3) (4)
| El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:01pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
Hey People, its about that time of the year again when fun seems to be all around the Cranny, i know i've done many threads this Year and i believe i've done good bringing smiles n Laffter to some faces wit lotta Jokes. In the spirit of humor i'll love to rap up this year with this Jokes filled thread -- Grab Ya Pop-corn, take a seat and Grin all the Way to Geneva!  |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:03pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!" 1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by Dyt(f): 4:08pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
chuckles wu cm mental now |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:15pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
Hehe. . .Dyt Ko Easy Abeg! How Tins Dearie? A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing." 1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:20pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." 1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:31pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
A couple went to a doctor because the man was feeling down, tired all the time. The doctor said I will give a shot of vitamins, a prescription for some pep pills from the drugstore, and an empty jar for checking your sperm count - bring it back in next week so I can check it. When the guy came back to the doctor, the doctor said "Why, this jar is empty, I told you I needed to do a sperm count." The guy said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand and she also tried with her right hand, she even tried with her teeth. We could not get that jar open!" 1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:44pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You slowpoke! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:49pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident. The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches." "What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer. "Well, I knew sooner or later some Sick heads would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter. 1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 5:12pm On Dec 01, 2011 |
An American and a Nigerian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The American is thinking that Nigerians are so dumb that he can fool them easy. . . So he asks if the Nigerian would like to play a fun game. The Nigerian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The American persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, ' This catches the Nigerian's attention and to keep the American quiet, he agrees to play the game. The American asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?' The Nigerian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the American. Now, it's the Nigerian's turn. He asks the American, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The American uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the Nigerian and hands him $500. The Nigerian pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep. The American is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Nigerian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Nigerian reaches in his pocket, hands the American $5 and goes back to sleep. 3 Likes |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 10:04am On Dec 02, 2011 |
Nice, especiaLly the first joke |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:17am On Dec 03, 2011 |
Tnks Presido  |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 4:45am On Dec 03, 2011 |
Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"! |
| Re: El's December Collections by bunmioguns(m): 5:31am On Dec 03, 2011 |
Nice collections, kip it up |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 7:24am On Dec 03, 2011 |
^^ Thanks Bro  A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Abuja. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed . . . it said. . . "It is 5.00am; wake up." 1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 7:29am On Dec 03, 2011 |
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!" |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 7:49am On Dec 03, 2011 |
I SO MUCH LØVE DIS JOKE! A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river." And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!" The preacher sat down. The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river." |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 8:02am On Dec 03, 2011 |
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you. . . the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"  1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by HornyJane(f): 8:24am On Dec 03, 2011 |
keep them coming boy, u are always gud in this stuff. |
| Re: El's December Collections by 1stknight(m): 2:52pm On Dec 03, 2011 |
 kudos, all the jokes are funny. |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 8:29am On Dec 05, 2011 |
^^ Thanks Bro While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!" |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 1:36pm On Dec 05, 2011 |
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!" 1 Like |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 1:40pm On Dec 05, 2011 |
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!" 2 Likes |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 1:51pm On Dec 05, 2011 |
A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him "What do you want to drink sir?" The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies "Whatever that guy was drinking." |
| Re: El's December Collections by mikuz(m): 1:59pm On Dec 05, 2011 |
el good work here. Nice to see you again. |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 2:03pm On Dec 05, 2011 |
Thanks Bro. . . Where would u Go these while? |
| Re: El's December Collections by mikuz(m): 2:11pm On Dec 05, 2011 |
er .em . . El. . What happened to ya english . . Didnt quite get that. |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 7:54am On Dec 07, 2011 |
Lol Thats Scandinavian English Bro, Am askin' where u've been all the While? |
| Re: El's December Collections by mikuz(m): 8:08am On Dec 07, 2011 |
ok i ve been busy with my project work o! But since ASUU no want change style . . Wetin son of man go do? And btw,i used gregorian style of reading to read ya write up so that was why i didn't quite get it. |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 8:23am On Dec 07, 2011 |
LmaO @ Gregorian Style of Reading! Which School You attend Sef? |
| Re: El's December Collections by mikuz(m): 8:37am On Dec 07, 2011 |
el i beg ya pardon,please dont insult me. If you dont understand that intellectual masterpiece,that's ya own cup of tea! You think say na beans to graduate from havard? |
| Re: El's December Collections by Nobody: 8:45am On Dec 07, 2011 |
Hoooohhooo. . . . I get it! Hazard Uni |
| Re: El's December Collections by mikuz(m): 8:54am On Dec 07, 2011 |
you've started with that ya english again. Wetin you call am self? Scor. .scor. . . Scul . . . Mtchew! |
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