Nice try,it really got my attention. You can do better bro,keep up the good work







Remember practice makes perfect,if that is the phrase to use

Nmeri17, I'm just seeing this. Thank for sharing and the mention too.

Please change 'is' to 'was' in your first line. It can confuse a reader. It is my opinion that your poem would look more beautiful if each of your stanzas were broken into two.

For example where you said 'but then' in the first stanza, starting another stanza with it will give your reader a deeper sense of change. A deeper sense of transition. A deeper sense of difference. You gerrit?. Just an opinion ooooo.

I look forward to more of your poems.

Nice one. Laykorn how far?

.

thanks so much guys. I really appreciate

laykorn did u study poetry??

Nmeri17:
thanks so much guys. I really appreciate

laykorn did u study poetry??

No Nmeri. Why ?
Ayamlaykorn

laykorn:

No Nmeri. Why ?
Ayamlaykorn

the way u analyze poems. with such knowledge it is highly likely you studied it in school

Nice one bro. I last wrote a poem 4 years ago.

What inspired you?

Nmeri17:

Hey you tried to contact me on nairaland pm send me a mail instead to the email on my profile. cheers *

cyrielo:

Hey you tried to contact me on nairaland pm send me a mail instead to the email on my profile. cheers *

seen??

. Nice one

Cc: Nmeri77

decode55:
. Nice one

Cc: Nmeri17

thanks bro

laykorn I decided against opening another poem thread. will be posting them here on intervals so keep it locked

An infectious smile from the pulchritudinous strata,
Met my downtrodden figure and asked why I looked so bleak.
As she spoke, her words did more good than a slice of pizza.
Kindled my passions and my glowing sadness went dim.
Away! went the gloom and now she is rocking with our baby on the veranda


Now we don matching outfits when posing for the camera
As is the custom amongst newly wedded sisters and brethren.
Nagging, robbery, disdain and drama,
Are words to be associated with others but not my queen.





Doesn't seem like much at first... till you take a closer look then notice the sum of the first letters, top to bottom and the sum of the last letters, bottom to top, both spells her name --> AMAKA NANA

It was on a Tuesday just like this. Raheem couldn’t think of anything else throughout the twelve days that preceded that day. The day was 13th June and it was Ann’s birthday. Raheem and Ann had dated for a while before he called it quits – a decision he would regret later.

The plan was for him to walk into her apartment with a lovely cake, while both their friends sang and trailed him. He had dreamt of how happy it would make her and here, the long awaited day had finally arrived. At about 3:17pm, Raheem’s phone rang;

“guy sup?” he whispered into the receiver.
“you ma where you dey na? We dey her street since and person never see your brake light”
“Jesus! I stii dey class but I don d...”

The line went dead before his reply could make its way to his tongue.
The previous night, it had rained nonstop for the last three hours of the day. It hadn’t rained today yet. In fact, the skies were crystal clear. Perhaps the clouds had unanimously decided to go on a vacation before resuming duties a day or two after last night’s outburst. “all work and no play” they say. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, the skies opened its mouth and heavy droplets of water began to fall upon the bodies and rooftops far below. The leisurely pedestrians had began to scramble about furiously, some in a bid to find shelter while others were throwing themselves on whatever means of transportation was going the way of their place of residence. Yet, another small category had just procured a big beautiful multicoloured cake, placed it in a fitting box and were poised on delivering its contents on what would be a perfect reunion.

The rain stopped momentarily as abruptly as it had begun, as if affording commuters a period of grace to get to their destinations.
By now it was 4:43pm and Raheem headed homeward. His phone had been vibrating in his pocket for as long as he could remember but he did not bother to check who the caller or callers were. As he made to veer briskly off the main road, amidst the excitement he felt, he tried to steady his engaged trembling arm and keep a straight face in the few minutes preceding the party. One blink of an eye, a snap of the finger, and the clumsy conductor of a speeding commuter bus knocked Raheem’s elbow and smeared the tarred road with the bright colours of the once cohesive icing. Then the downpour began.

^^^ cc eno ishilove larrysun kingzpen

you all esteemed ladies and gentlemen have been employed as critics of the above short story

Nmeri17:
^^^ cc eno ishilove larrysun kingzpen

you all esteemed ladies and gentlemen have been employed as critics of the above short story

Kindly continue the story. I'm yet to get a full hang of it.

LarrySun:
Kindly continue the story. I'm yet to get a full hang of it.

boss tori don finish naa will try to be elucidate better next time

Nmeri17:
boss tori don finish naa will try to be elucidate better next time

Isn't that ending a little bit abrupt?

Well, you've got a good sense of description, sir.

Rating: 4.3/10

Your ending didn't feel like one. Poor Raheem

LarrySun:
Isn't that ending a little bit abrupt?

Well, you've got a good sense of description, sir.

Rating: 4.3/10

oh!!. thanks. some one else you might know (Kelvin Alaneme) on fb singled out praises for the ending. in his words "you crafted the ending masterfully".

I don screen grab that his comment sha and taken it to the printing press. I intend to mass print it and share it to all my friends and well wishers

Enoquin:
Your ending didn't feel like one. Poor Raheem

Lol. PM me sample ending naa

I might as well do well with a little criticism, I use this medium to beckon on seasoned readers to check out my detective crime fiction, Debt From Home, I wouldnt mind being graded. Larry sun, Ishilove, Kingzpen and all you hot brain fellows.
A poem titled A Letter to Amanda is in the poetry section and awaits your thought, where is laycorn and co?

“Oh God!” I thought excitedly. I couldn’t believe it, this was an exam I hadn’t studied satisfactorily for. I’d been so scared the entire period prior to the results release. Scared of telling my dad I’d have to spend an extra year in school. Scared of listening to my girlfriends tell me about their escapades in the place they were serving. What excuse would I give?

We’d all scaled the hurdle – all of us but Hauwa. I won’t say she failed ‘cos she didn’t take the semester serious; matter of fact, she saw school as being on temporary parole from her dungeon of a family home. She cried when she saw her results but I could swear somewhere deep down, the feeling was pure unadulterated ecstasy. She could even have failed on purpose for all I know.

So I’m on my way home. Kel and the other girls are coming to my place too. My roomie Vivi is already home. I pray she has arranged something for us to eat. We’re clattering on the road and attracting curios stares but we don’t care. My breasts are heaving and my cleavage is visible but that is the least of my worries now.

We get to my apartment and Kel goes in first, then the noise gets louder.

“Why are girls like this?” I muse to myself.

Whenever I encounter PhD holders in noisemaking, my own little degrees retire to the backyard. Vivi managed to bring her friends along and there’s just feminine sounds and curves everywhere. I’m just going to eat and sneak into my room; get on Linda Ikeji’s blog till some troublemaker comes to disturb my peace.

A lot of drinks have been sighted, one or two cute hunks have also been sighted, handbags and blouses, house in disarray.......matchew.......my eyes are not locating what I want to see. Where is food for gods sakes?

As I forge my way to the kitchen, Becky is making out with one of the cute hunks on the refrigerator opposite the door. Duh!! Broke boys be always looking for an excuse not to rent a hotel suite. Dude couldn’t even afford to take her to a guest house at least. Then out of the blues, Raheem walks out of the kitchen.

“Jesus Christ” I gasp involuntarily.

The gasp is both metaphoric and literal, because this is the devil himself – roaming about, looking for the happiest moments to ruin. What is he doing here? Why did Vivian let him in? He doesn’t even say a word. He just looks haggard and groggy and for a millisecond, I feel sorry for him. Now everyone is staring at us ‘cos obviously, my messianic cry of bewilderment caught everyone’s attention. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. No! Let it swallow him instead. Everyone’s boyfriend is looking all swanky and there’s this jerk making it seem like I’m in a relationship with a male day care attendant at a mushroom crèche.

He doesn’t look back at the staring crowd – he’s just gazing at me like a zombie. Then he clasps his hands weakly and blurts

“Please let me explain”

Then I shake my index finger at his face furiously
“No! No! No! You brainless dork! There’s nothing to explain. Look at you.....what do you want to explain? Go meet your mother and explain to her why you’re such a sloooooooow loser!”

The house is deafeningly silent but I raise my pitch as though he is unable to hear me.

“What are you doing here? Eh this demon?? Why are you always ruining my best moments? Demon! It gives you joy unspeakable seeing me mad right? The last date on your schedule was my birthday and today again, you have kept a date with me. Awon accurate timekeeper! Is that what you do for them there.......”

Vivi put her hand over my mouth before I could finish my speech; but I wasn’t done yet. I forcefully take her palm off my face and rant on.

“Is that what you do for them in the kingdom of darkness? You ensure your co-demons never miss out on any key events to turn sour....”
By now, his clasped hands had moved to his face and his skinny frame was quaking in noiseless blubs. Someone else joined Vivi and they both dragged me to my room while I curse on. Party is over, evening is busted, my head is aching. So I rummage through Vivi’s closet for her sleeping pill. There are just three tablets left on the card; that must mean the dosage is “three tablets before bedtime”. Or could I be wrong?

LarrySun:
Isn't that ending a little bit abrupt?

Well, you've got a good sense of description, sir.

i guess the ending seemed abrupt because you werent expecting a sequel. so i wrote a sequel to it. hope it adds up now. cc enoquin

I love the ending of this sequel(the last paragraph), the beginning though looked scattered and I grappled with understanding the main character.

Quick question: What event was this, same day?

Quick observation: Your character didn't feel like a girl.

Enoquin:
I love the ending of this sequel(the last paragraph), the beginning though looked scattered and I grappled with understanding the main character.

I think this is because time has elapsed since you read the prequel

Quick question: What event was this, same day?

nah!! Raheem came to apologize for the birthday blooper/previous bloopers days/maybe weeks after the birthday incident. get it now??

Quick observation: Your character didn't feel like a girl.

really?? she was meant to sound like a saucy chic. a bit like the girl in your last story. its my ist time playing a girl sha

thanks for stopping by

Nmeri17:
I think this is because time has elapsed since you read the prequel

Time has elapsed ke? I doubt it. I even went back to the prequel after a while to understand

nah!! Raheem came to apologize for the birthday blooper/previous bloopers days/maybe weeks after the birthday incident. get it now??

Yes

really?? she was meant to sound like a saucy chic. a bit like the girl in your last story. its my ist time playing a girl sha

This one na gangster oh, nothing like my girl. Nothing do you. Pick a girly friend of yours and model a girl character after her

thanks for stopping by

More ink to your pen

Enoquin:

This one na gangster oh, nothing like my girl. Nothing do you. Pick a girly friend of yours and model a girl character after her

I have no girly friend bet you