E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

my brother do you know is your mother we are talking about here. She is even making effort to mend fences, somebody that can even birth your wife. See I would call a meeting between both and trash it once and for all. Any party not willing should take the high road. All personal ego must fall for peace to reign.

First of all I think your wife has some character issues.
A woman that you are still planning to marry would first spite your mother. Does she know that your mother should be the happiest person to see her son get married? And she wants to exclude her from entertaining her own guests? Does she know what your mum passed through to raise you up and she wants to dominate everything?
I see you are a good guy but I think you have to first of all make your wife understand the position of your mother and not trying to be a saint to both sides.
That said, you have to make your mum understand that you love your wife and she should know also that your wife deserves some respect.

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Bro, i carefully read through everything and really wish we had a phone conversation because the story has many things similar with mine, just a few differences. I'll just say what i can for now, take it or leave it, your mother MUST always come first and your wife must understand that. If she didn't raise you the way she did, your wife would never have met you. A good marriage is that which your wife for instance can pick up her phone and call your sister's husband.
A case where she isn't getting on with your mom who she's supposed to learn so much from and possibly succeed her as mother of the house is rather unfortunate. Your ability to make certain hard decisions is what really makes you a man. Love and respect your wife, but on no account should she disrespect your mother. A marriage without her complete blessings won't be pleasant bro.

jesmond3945:
my brother do you know is your mother we are talking about here. She is even making effort to mend fences, somebody that can even birth your wife. See I would call a meeting between both and trash it once and for all. Any party not willing should take the high road. All personal ego must fall for peace to reign.

I wish i could buy you a cold beer this evening.

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

God bless u

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The way to sort problems like this is by not sitting on the fence or taking sides either. U have to call a spade a damn spade.

I’m 80% sure most of these issues either earlier or later on had either one or both of them wrong or right. U have to be very objective like Ure dealing with 2 colleagues in the office and attach little or no feelings or emotions in speaking the truth offcourse with due respect(quote and unquote) after which u can console who was wrong and also advise her on how better the situation shud have been handled.

I like the fact ur being logical bt u must go a step further and get pissed off and both of them for being childish. Yes both of them. They want to drive u up the wall and u must let them know that won’t fly in ur house or home.

When both see how pissed u are are both of them they will come to a truce or their senses.

When anyone is wrong be it mother or wife state it as so period! Then u explain the better approach they shud have used. Anybody who doesn’t like it or accept ur appeasements shud stay in their house. U will call them whenever they are needed or important matters which involve them arise.

Make them know u don’t have time for petty issues and u want peace to reign. Put ur damn foot down and don’t care who’s offended at 1st. Later appease them. Cheers

AwkaetitiBabe:
Choi

.. It's a possibility.I ve seen such happens.Ask yourself why the op is all out putting the blames on his mother?

chidekings:
From your write up,u are tolerating ur wife disrespect to your mother with all this flimsy excuses of yours.

God bless u.. make d op dey mumu there

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Why stuck in the middle,do you think diplomacy will work? You are married to two wives now
Your analysis of your mum and wife shows you are intelligent and you have formed an unbiased judgement of their characters.
The solution i see here is simple, drop your gentleman toga and wear the robe of an agbero. Don't encourage them to live in peace again,declare war. Peace is achieved through war sometimes .Take charge of your affairs and do what is right without consulting or considering your mum or wife


[/quote]

elektra:
I suspect this is an oyinbo couple’s story. Only in the abroad do wedding lists work.

That is where your eyes will go. Olojukokoro

Afrikween:
Nna you just said it all man.....like you made a very wise point

Thanks ,I just followed you on Twitter,my handle is @Folamidolapo,kindly follow back if you don’t mind ...

Your wife should manage your Mum, for God's sake we are talking about your mum.

My advice to you is that that your wife can't be trusted. So it means if she catches you tomorrow cheating on her, she will never ever forgive you. Today is your mother she is dealing with. Tomorrow she may pick on you.

A good wife that has good intentions will forgive your family member or even pretend to have talk more of your Mum.

atctech:
This is a very sensitive issue, you need to Man up, and also be prayerful.....if care is not taken you are threading the way to divorce.
I am a Pastor, I'm married too, I have a mother,
so I have the moral standard to advise you.
The role of your wife in your marriage is different from the the role of your mother. the Bible says the man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one. The problem is, you haven't leave your mother.
things like this happens when parents are still contributing to marriage, like money, foods, business or housing.
sorry to say this, if your mum is that right and knows the form a marriage should take "she would still be with your father she wouldn't have divorced your father or vice versa" that is a signal that something is wrong. let her use her ways on her marriage and not your marriage.

Pastor wey mumu. Even you as a pastor ought to know that a wife can leave a man (yes, pastors do get divorced) and even become another man's wife, while your mother will always remain your mother. The Op is obviously too lily-liveried to command his wife's respect enough for her to accomodate his own mother. He is the one that made his wife resent his own mom because she sees that he is a weakling of a man.

I'm sorry to say you married either a witch or uncultured woman.
You have a beautiful mother who can extend a hand of friendship to your wife despite her ego.

Daughter in laws seeks peace with their mother in law and not the reverse.

If my wife starts to show sign of disrespect to my mum at that point in time I will withdraw immediately. Any wife who would respect you will respec even up to your bathroom slippers let alone your mum.

Follow the bible....
1. A man shall leave his ..... and be joined with.....and they will become one......

2. Keep your mouth shut....not everything you tell your wife about what your mother said. And the other way round too.

shinarlaura:
Op I 'll blame you for everything that is happening. You choose to take side with your wife, that is why she is doing all those things. The fact that your mum is even trying to make peace and your wife don't want to have anything to do with her says it all. You really have to talk to your wife cuz is the one manipulating u.

Hello beibei

LadyExcellency:


You see it in a childish way.

The Mum is an elder and as such the wife lacks respect and understanding.

From the write-ups, the mum is not interfering in the marriage rather begging to be loves (her birthright).

I dont think so. I never said push the mother away. But to me it seems like he is indecisive whose side to be on. when it comes to choosing sides, lawfully and Scripturally, his side is with the wife. that doesnt mean not to be fair to his mother. Both women should be put in their place at the same time.

Your fault bro.

U are not smart enough.

Whenever u see any wife and mother forming rubbish enemity, it was simply because a non intelligent man is in the middle.

Before I made her mine, I made it clear. I sat her down and told her Any war with my family member is lost by default and I am also lost.


I called my siblings and my mum separately and told them any war against my wife is lost by default and I am lost too.

My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control.

Can u imagine this rubbish.

Uncle OroboLafff.

I av seen plenty sick beds. The mother is always there.

Know how to strike a balance.

This is strong. I'm not married but I would tell you things I could do if I were in your shoes.

Are you a Yoruba man?

Also, there is something called "man" I think you need to make a stand. Both your mom and wife may get you killed and blame it on you, God forbid. Let it be known to both parties that henceforth you want to take charge. No more persuasion or trying to get one to see reason. They will either do things your way or both of them may forget about you.

Truth is women are witches by nature. Eventually your wife will raise your son to hate your mom and one useless Pastor will soon have a vision that your mom is evil. You need to be a man.

Women sometimes like to be yelled at. Call both to a meeting... No begging, no smiling, no appealing, just list rules and regulations. Your wife must listen to your rules and so must your mom.

As long as they are both around you or under your roof, they must live by your rules. Also, your wife is younger and let her know there's no excuse for being cold at your mom. We need you alive brother. Take your authority back from those witches!!!

crackkhaus:
Mother-in-law & Daughter-in-law drama again, what else is new?

Oga, you should have recused yourself from all this their wahala from the beginning, but it's too late for that now I guess. You have already positioned yourself as the pacifier, so undoubtedly, they will continue looking to you to pacify.

Your mother is ready to make peace but it seems your wife has another agenda. My suggestion is that you focus on your wife and get her to open up herself to a path of peace between her and your mother. For how long will she keep up with that nasty attitude?

The marriage is too young for her to be saying insensitive things like she is done with your mother..that's a very callous thing to say.
Talk to your wife.

One thing I never do is try to settle issues between women, I no fit. But since you have started, then finish it.
Talk to your wife, she's the one who will need to make compromises at this point.

Exactly! I'll also like to add that she's getting support from her people ( mother , sisters , brothers and probably father but mainly female folks in her family ) , she has definitely confided in them and they are urging her not to compromise or relent

Lucky me, my wife love my mother just as much as I love my darling mama


When you hear them talk on phone, you will think they are mother and daughter.

Guys watch that girl you are courting and hoping to marry closely; if she is arrogant and disrespectful to others, its a bad sign she will be a bad wife later.


Ladies pls what's difficult in respecting your man's mother for C's sake I think its mostly ladies from unhappy and disrespectful family backgrounds and coupled with poor home training + idleness (housewives) that drag position with their mother-in-law.

Op, I am suspecting your wife is a housewife, they can cause trouble for Africa

In EVERYTHING I do, I put my Mom first before any fvcking person in the fvcking planet. She's the god I see.

You have described my Mum.
I may not know how to handle her 100%, but I know the medicine.
When she starts any issue, my response is "I have heard". I don't try to help rationalize, or argue, or pitch in. She will design your life for you from A to Z and want you to start living according to her plan.
.
What she doesn't know is this.
" I have heard " is different from
"I will do as you have said "
.
Learn to handle your Mum, and teach your wife how to.
Less of arguments. Stop shutting her out.
The medicine to it all is...
"I have heard".
Whether you do as she says or not is now up to you.

ofemigeorge:
Follow the bible....
1. A man shall leave his ..... and be joined with.....and they will become one......

2. Keep your mouth shut....not everything you tell your wife about what your mother said. And the other way round too.

So that part of the Bible has overruled the 10 commandments which says you should honour your father and mother

@OP; listen to words of wisdom, I will be straight with you.

1. Your mum was right for requesting inclusion of her guests in the list. Your wife was definitely wrong for refusing and your are also wrong for supporting your wife in this regard.

2. Two Manupulative women pestered you to chose either of them, and being a 'sisi' you chose your wife?
What happened to you taken sides and then choose both? You committed an abomination for doing so openly even in the presence of your mother that birthed you? This is the wrong of all.

3. Women in general and your wife in particular, once she knows you chose her over your own mother, you have given her the power and the influence over you and your mother and hence her over reaction over any minor issue. You gave her the power unknowingly and she knows you are a sis, cos.only.a sis will give in to such manipulative requests and hence she has the control a mother have over her son subtly. Your wife will not even respect you again? Trust me. She unconsciously know you are not a man but a sis man.

Now young man, go your way and do this and get your manship and respect back immediately if you still have some left.

Tell your wife in the closet, that you only choose her over your mum to see how she will handle things, that it was only a test and she messed up (Present it mildly). Tell her to figure how she will feel if her 1 yr old son, when he grows, does same to her. Giver her bible or Quran, to swear and say the truth. She should put herself in her shoe. Study her reactions

Go beg your mother separately and tell her, you only did that facially but it was never from your heart. You just want to see she how she will handle the situation and you are very impressed. That, she is truly a mother you ve ever thought her to be. Let her know you can never chose anyone above her.

Now call both of them together and let them know who you chose... You chose BOTH and be firm in your decision. You will see your wife, will start behaving with sense.

God forbid , if a man runs mad. His mother will stay with him till end of days but wife will stay but for a moment before she start misbehaving and go and meet another man after few months. She will say body no be wood. Off she goes abandoning the man she once claimed she loved

Meeen, you fu(.k up o. You really did. That decision of yours chosen your wife over your mother can make her feel depressed. Go and make corrections quickly before it's too late. Else you may never forgive yourself for this...later in life.

* Nothing should replace your mother in your life, I mean nothing * even your wife knows...

This wife must be a Nairaland babe. One of those bitter angry birds roaming family section hoping their mothers-in-law would fall down and die.

OP E685 don’t be a mumu. You think your mother is manipulative? Lol. You be novice. You don’t even know you have been manipulated by your wife right from the beginning. You are a puppet on her strings who actually thinks he’s making his own decisions. Use your head. All those decisions you made have favoured her. And they have further driven a wedge between you and your mother.


I know you would not listen.


When you are old and grey, your eyes will be opened. It would be too late to mend things by then.

If you want to see the extent of your influence in your own home, just try to exclude her own mother from your family affairs and see her reaction. She would never agree to reduce or remove the influence of her own parents in your home.

You want to be a lone wolf walking in the territory of another pack. Don’t go down that road. A lone wolf doesn’t survive, out in the tundra.


You cannot force love. You cannot force your wife to love your mother but you can protect your mother from disrespect and abuse. Maybe you have grudges against your mother. Maybe that’s what colours your judgment. Maybe your wife’s family funded your wedding or your wife is the breadwinner. Maybe that’s why you are rationalising abuse.

Remember, your wife is the only member of your family that can be separated from you by the courts. The rest are related by blood and the water of the womb.

This is a new year. Have small sense.

Your mom and wife are both wrong.

I think your wife is more wrong in the sense that she’s prepared NEVER to try. That’s the worst kind of standoffish attitude. Like does she genuinely not want you to have a relationship with your mom until forever? That’s unrealistic.

They both have to meet each other half way and that’s where you come in. If you can exhibit the ability to stand up to whomever needs to be out in their place at any given time, half of your problem is solved. You say you’ve never stood up to your mom, maybe it’s time.

If a serious issue involves my mother and my wife and it could be resolved amicably. Then I would stick with my mother. The law of God says we should honor our fathers and my mothers. In my own opinion, my parents come first and are not expendable.

It's like the op wife is feeding him.... Your mum guest list turn down by your wife on your wedding day.... Gush... I feel like beating you, maybe u will man up. Don't worry, since u have a son, in 25 year time, another daughter in law in the character of your wife will serve her a cold karma.... I just de vex... See rubbish English you typing just to try yo paint your wife good.... Mods should ban this guy.... We don't want more sissy as men.....

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

I think the guy must have devalued her mother before the wife hence she lost all regards for her. Possibly issues that led to her divorce. One must be careful in discussing certain issues about your family members if you want their respect intact especially if your spouse get as e be.