Hello everyone. I just started penning a feature length film script and decided to share the first few pages here for review, critique and feedback from fellow scriptwriters, lovers of cinema and other people involved in various aspects of film making.

It is just a 13-page script so far. Your comments will be welcome. Please, find the attached pdf document. Thanks.

@prof800, @villageboi, @briareos, @speedyboi, @semid4lyfe @tonyayo, @morsadh, @lynx200, @ignatio, @cnario, @chromatic @thesoj.

sholay2011:
Hello everyone. I just started penning a feature length film script and decided to share the first few pages here for review, critique and feedback from fellow scriptwriters, lovers of cinema and other people involved in various aspects of film making.

It is just a 13-page script so far. Your comments will be welcome. Please, find the attached pdf document. Thanks.

@prof800, @villageboi, @briareos, @speedyboi, @semid4lyfe @tonyayo, @morsadh, @lynx200, @ignatio, @cnario, @chromatic @thesoj.

Hi, hope I'm not late on this. Just seeing it this morning.
What I've read so far is cool. I like the back theme of how machines are taking over from men and how it's linked to the story so far.

Interested to know what follows up and I'm hoping Kunle doesn't leave Kemi for Lara

Ignatio:


Hi, hope I'm not late on this. Just seeing it this morning.
What I've read so far is cool. I like the back theme of how machines are taking over from men and how it's linked to the story so far.

Interested to know what follows up and I'm hoping Kunle doesn't leave Kemi for Lara

Thanks for your feedback. Means a lot.

And trust me, I knew that would be the immediate reaction seeing Lara on the scene but she is there for a different thing or things over the course of the story.

Attached is an updated version. Your feedback will be appreciated. Thanks.

sholay2011:

Thanks for your feedback. Means a lot.

And trust me, I knew that would be the immediate reaction seeing Lara on the scene but she is there for a different thing or things over the course of the story.

Attached is an updated version. Your feedback will be appreciated. Thanks.

Good conflicts. I never saw Lara coming, an interesting character she's turning out to be.

On the other hand I felt the script dragged a bit. Some filler scenes. Though it's left in the hands of a good director to do justice to it. But in whole it's turning out good.

Ignatio:


Good conflicts. I never saw Lara coming, an interesting character she's turning out to be.

On the other hand I felt the script dragged a bit. Some filler scenes. Though it's left in the hands of a good director to do justice to it. But in whole it's turning out good.

I really appreciate your feedback bro. Yeah, I am introducing scenes that will pay off later and for character development.

I will like examples of scenes that you felt dragged a bit. Thanks.

sholay2011:

Thanks for your feedback. Means a lot.

And trust me, I knew that would be the immediate reaction seeing Lara on the scene but she is there for a different thing or things over the course of the story.

Attached is an updated version. Your feedback will be appreciated. Thanks.

Good afternoon, sir. Just reading your script. It's an interesting storyline, especially on how the machines are taking over a lot of things. I would like to believe that your story may likely be on how Kemi and Lanre's love would survive in such times. I apologise in advance if mistaken.

As for Lara, her character is quite different from what I expected in the first fifteen pages. It's quite good. Would love to see how it all plays out in the end.

Very good sir.

morsadh:


Good afternoon, sir. Just reading your script. It's an interesting storyline, especially on how the machines are taking over a lot of things. I would like to believe that your story may likely be on how Kemi and Lanre's love would survive in such times. I apologise in advance if mistaken.

As for Lara, her character is quite different from what I expected in the first fifteen pages. It's quite good. Would love to see how it all plays out in the end.

Very good sir.

You are right sir. It's basically a story of 'will their love survive the trying times?' but more importantly, 'how far are they willing to compromise their individual values to keep their relationship & survive as people?' and 'Is every Nigerian willing to take any route to make it?'. The latter questions get clearer as the story goes on. Lara is a character whose story will hopefully give the script a huge weight in the end. It's basically a story about survival.

Thanks for taking your time to read.

sholay2011:
Hello everyone. I just started penning a feature length film script and decided to share the first few pages here for review, critique and feedback from fellow scriptwriters, lovers of cinema and other people involved in various aspects of film making.

It is just a 13-page script so far. Your comments will be welcome. Please, find the attached pdf document. Thanks.

@prof800, @villageboi, @briareos, @speedyboi, @semid4lyfe @tonyayo, @morsadh, @lynx200, @ignatio, @cnario, @chromatic @thesoj.

Well written bro. You can as well indicate if a dialogue is written in another language in parentheses.

noble4d:


Well written bro. You can as well indicate if a dialogue is written in another language in parentheses.

Noted. Thank you very much.

...

Thank God I found this page. As an aspiring screenwriter, I've been looking for someoneto talk to, and share ideas with.
Just downloaded ur script
When I'm through reading u'll get my feedback. Mind u I won't hold back with criticisms ��

Thanks for sharing.

Blakpot:
Thank God I found this page. As an aspiring screenwriter, I've been looking for someoneto talk to, and share ideas with.
Just downloaded ur script
When I'm through reading u'll get my feedback. Mind u I won't hold back with criticisms ��

Thanks for sharing.

I will be looking forward to your feedback. Thanks. Pls download the 2nd one I updated (check one of my comments on the thread).

U make it look so easy. It is well written scene heading, narration n the total layout.

I like how each scene tells us something new or contributes to what we already knowknow.

The dialogue is very natural. Perhaps too natural.
At a point I felt like I was more interested in the tv dialogue than that of kemi n lanre. It was more charged had more excitement.

I will like to see more action around kemi. Maybe more emphasis should be given to her scenes to make the audience more interested in her.

I will like to see how her struggles would affect her relationship n how her character would evolve. Her dialogue i feel should have more meaty content.

I liked the scene where she had a mini breakdown, preparing for work only to realize she was unemployed. I also liked the workers layoff scene- dialogue was fun- back n forth btwn manger n emplyee.

Great script man. I feel like it has more potential tho.

Blakpot:
U make it look so easy. It is well written scene heading, narration n the total layout.

I like how each scene tells us something new or contributes to what we already knowknow.

The dialogue is very natural. Perhaps too natural.
At a point I felt like I was more interested in the tv dialogue than that of kemi n lanre. It was more charged had more excitement.

I will like to see more action around kemi. Maybe more emphasis should be given to her scenes to make the audience more interested in her.

I will like to see how her struggles would affect her relationship n how her character would evolve. Her dialogue i feel should have more meaty content.

I liked the scene where she had a mini breakdown, preparing for work only to realize she was unemployed. I also liked the workers layoff scene- dialogue was fun- back n forth btwn manger n emplyee.

Great script man. I feel like it has more potential tho.

Thank you bro for the critique. This is the 1st draft (in fact, I am just writing the script, far from done) of the script and will need to rework some of the dialogue and other elements like you suggested but the thing is what I was really going for was the naturalism anyway and your critique is sincerely good news to my ears.

Some movies thrive on being dramatic (or maybe cinematic like Quentin Tarantino) while some excel with being naturalistic (like Kenneth Lonergan). It also sounds more natural to you because you're a Nigerian. lol

Kemi is kinda a slightly passive character that is subject to her mother's influence but almost all you mentioned about how her struggles affect her relationship are already being emphasized in the pages that followed this excerpt. The thing with feature film script is you have to start with enough conflict to keep the interest without showing all your cards or become predictable when you still have a long way to go.

I appreciate your feedback.

sholay2011:

Thank you bro for the critique. This is the 1st draft (in fact, I am just writing the script, far from done) of the script and will need to rework some of the dialogue and other elements like you suggested but the thing is what I was really going for was the naturalism anyway and your critique is sincerely good news to my ears.

Some movies thrive on being dramatic (or maybe cinematic like Quentin Tarantino) while some excel with being naturalistic (like Kenneth Lonergan). It also sounds more natural to you because you're a Nigerian. lol

Kemi is kinda a slightly passive character that is subject to her mother's influence but almost all you mentioned about how her struggles affect her relationship are already being emphasized in the pages that followed this excerpt. The thing with feature film script is you have to start with enough conflict to keep the interest without showing all your cards or become predictable when you still have a long way to go.

I appreciate your feedback.

Oh ok I get it. U sound experienced man. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story. Will read the other part later today. Btw as if u knew I liked Tarantino movies, actually obsessed with his movies. Will also check out Lonergan. Nice chatting thanks.

Blakpot:


Oh ok I get it. U sound experienced man. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story. Will read the other part later today. Btw as if u knew I liked Tarantino movies, actually obsessed with his movies. Will also check out Lonergan. Nice chatting thanks.

I really appreciate your compliments oh, especially from a fellow scriptwriter. Please, find the attached document to this post. It is the latest and last update on what I've written so far. Of course, I won't be posting the whole script here.

Find the attached document to this post. I look forward to your feedback. Thanks.

sholay2011:

I really appreciate your compliments oh, especially from a fellow scriptwriter. Please, find the attached document to this post. It is the latest and last update on what I've written so far. Of course, I won't be posting the whole script here.

Find the attached document to this post. I look forward to your feedback. Thanks.

Sorry for the late reply man. The wknd have been a busy one. i'll read it today n get back 2 u. Tnx

Blakpot:


Sorry for the late reply man. The wknd have been a busy one. i'll read it today n get back 2 u. Tnx

Okay. I'll be waiting for your feedback. Thanks.

sholay2011:

Okay. I'll be waiting for your feedback. Thanks.

Good morning. I read it last night. Overall i think its solid (in my amateur opinion lol) but a few things stood out for me, some things I wouldn't do if it were me writing.

Minor n Supporting characters: Too many of them. Moji, Femi, Ms Maureen, Mr Thompson, Alice, Segun, Jamiu... If it were me I'd take off a few of them, if their absence don't affect d story much. Also if they should exist, some shouldn't be given names like Me Thompson n Ms Maureen can be called interview #1 n #2.

Flashbacks: I know a Nollywood movie isn't complete without a flashback scene but maybe u use dem too often.

Also, I expected abit of tension wen Kemi mentioned her ex to Lanre. But it sort of fizzled out wen he brought up his application to FIRS. It could be he was trying to impress, by convincing her he's trying hard to get employed.

Finally the most important one: A lot of the scenes n dialogues is about jobs, jobs, jobs.

Tho I liked how u pointed out the flaws in recruitment process. Ethnicity bias, recruitment scam...

Again its just my opinion, doesn't mean I'm correct. Just things I would observe if I were watching the movie.

Blakpot:


Good morning. I read it last night. Overall i think its solid (in my amateur opinion lol) but a few things stood out for me, some things I wouldn't do if it were me writing.

Minor n Supporting characters: Too many of them. Moji, Femi, Ms Maureen, Mr Thompson, Alice, Segun, Jamiu... If it were me I'd take off a few of them, if their absence don't affect d story much. Also if they should exist, some shouldn't be given names like Me Thompson n Ms Maureen can be called interview #1 n #2.

Flashbacks: I know a Nollywood movie isn't complete without a flashback scene but maybe u use dem too often.

Also, I expected abit of tension wen Kemi mentioned her ex to Lanre. But it sort of fizzled out wen he brought up his application to FIRS. It could be he was trying to impress, by convincing her he's trying hard to get employed.

Finally the most important one: A lot of the scenes n dialogues is about jobs, jobs, jobs.

Tho I liked how u pointed out the flaws in recruitment process. Ethnicity bias, recruitment scam...

Again its just my opinion, doesn't mean I'm correct. Just things I would observe if I were watching the movie.

I sincerely appreciate your feedback and I will put all you suggested in consideration. Though, I will like to explain some things since I have written the script further and have the ending in mind.

Most of the characters you called minor such as Femi, Jamiu, Moji etc. become important roles in the latter part of the story. It's either they directly influence the plot or justify organically the actions of the lead characters. Also, I can't represent Ms. Maureen as Interviewer #1 when there are like two separate interview scenes (of entirely different companies) in the script. It would rather lead to confusion for the reader.

I love your comment on the use of flashbacks but I'm not entirely sure you got the intent of them at every scene. This is not the "typical Nollywood flashback" wherr we just dump a load of info on the audience to reveal who is behind a problem. The script first appears being told chronologically but as we flashback to past events intermittently, it gives more context to the present and even more meaning. For example, the scene where Kemi left an interview devastated and crying on the road. I could have continued that she then ran into Femi. But that scene gets more meaning as it was shown as she narrated it to Lanre in form of the flashback and Lanre's response to bring up his govt job application. The subtext was Lanre was jealous a bit but from the story, Kemi didn't give Femi her phone no and so, no reason to get furious. The flashbacks subsequently tell us more about the relationship all the Contact 49 employees once had and what losing a job means as a whole: it's sometimes more than just losing money.

You got the subtext of Lanre was trying to impress her by bringing up the job. Most times in scriptwriting, it's all about what the character is saying AND not saying.

And yes, the theme of the script is survival as it relates to finding your place in the labour market as technology advances. But to reduce the script to "jobs, jobs, jobs" is like saying most Martin Scorsese mafia/mob movies (Goodfellas, Casino, The Irishman) are the same. The mob is the medium of these movies but the true story they tell are different. Job is the way to convey the themes but underneath, the true story is a happening. Also, the latter part of the script focuses less on jobs and more on 'marriage, marriage, marriage'.

Thanks very much for your feedback.

sholay2011:

I sincerely appreciate your feedback and I will put all you suggested in consideration. Though, I will like to explain some things since I have written the script further and have the ending in mind.

Most of the characters you called minor such as Femi, Jamiu, Moji etc. become important roles in the latter part of the story. It's either they directly influence the plot or justify organically the actions of the lead characters. Also, I can't represent Ms. Maureen as Interviewer #1 when there are like two separate interview scenes (of entirely different companies) in the script. It would rather lead to confusion for the reader.

I love your comment on the use of flashbacks but I'm not entirely sure you got the intent of them at every scene. This is not the "typical Nollywood flashback" wherr we just dump a load of info on the audience to reveal who is behind a problem. The script first appears being told chronologically but as we flashback to past events intermittently, it gives more context to the present and even more meaning. For example, the scene where Kemi left an interview devastated and crying on the road. I could have continued that she then ran into Femi. But that scene gets more meaning as it was shown as she narrated it to Lanre in form of the flashback and Lanre's response to bring up his govt job application. The subtext was Lanre was jealous a bit but from the story, Kemi didn't give Femi her phone no and so, no reason to get furious. The flashbacks subsequently tell us more about the relationship all the Contact 49 employees once had and what losing a job means as a whole: it's sometimes more than just losing money.

You got the subtext of Lanre was trying to impress her by bringing up the job. Most times in scriptwriting, it's all about what the character is saying AND not saying.

And yes, the theme of the script is survival as it relates to finding your place in the labour market as technology advances. But to reduce the script to "jobs, jobs, jobs" is like saying most Martin Scorsese mafia/mob movies (Goodfellas, Casino, The Irishman) are the same. The mob is the medium of these movies but the true story they tell are different. Job is the way to convey the themes but underneath, the true story is a happening. Also, the latter part of the script focuses less on jobs and more on 'marriage, marriage, marriage'.

Thanks very much for your feedback.

Looking back at my statement - "Overall i think its solid (in my amateur opinion lol)" wasn't intended to a backhand compliment.

Again I think its a solid script and with a bit of foresight on how the plot progresses, I wouldn't have brought those points. Still u took the hits like a champ.

I look forward to seeing more the story. Even if it means I have to wait till it gets made into a movie lol. When ur finished are u gonna sell to a producer? I have no ideaidea it works in naija.

Blakpot:


Looking back at my statement - "Overall i think its solid (in my amateur opinion lol)" wasn't intended to a backhand compliment.

Again I think its a solid script and with a bit of foresight on how the plot progresses, I wouldn't have brought those points. Still u took the hits like a champ.

I look forward to seeing more the story. Even if it means I have to wait till it gets made into a movie lol. When ur finished are u gonna sell to a producer? I have no ideaidea it works in naija.

Abeg help me contact Kunle Afolayan oo

I plan entering into some scriptwriting competitions sometime later.

sholay2011:

Abeg help me contact Kunle Afolayan oo

I plan entering into some scriptwriting competitions sometime later.

Lol would be dope if Kunle Afolayan directs it. These one of the problems of our movie industry(if I can call it that), is that there is no recognizable system, that is structured in a way movie can be done with ease. Whereby directors, producers, screenwriters, can have access to access to each other(if it makes any sense).

U can also try Mo Abdu(good luck with that) or indirectly through producers she's worked with. The woman have got taste and very professional. The series Castle n Castle was dope. The amount of work that went into it is unbelievable.

If all else fails, there is always Mary Njoku �

Blakpot:


Lol would be dope if Kunle Afolayan directs it. These one of the problems of our movie industry(if I can call it that), is that there is no recognizable system, that is structured in a way movie can be done with ease. Whereby directors, producers, screenwriters, can have access to access to each other(if it makes any sense).

U can also try Mo Abdu(good luck with that) or indirectly through producers she's worked with. The woman have got taste and very professional. The series Castle n Castle was dope. The amount of work that went into it is unbelievable.

If all else fails, there is always Mary Njoku �

Pls connect me o. It's like you know these people. I have disturbed Afolayan on Instagram to just give my script a read (he doesn't have to necessarily accept to work with it). I will reach Mo Abudu and Iroko as well once I'm sure I have a good script. Thanks for your support. I will like to also read something you're working on. We used to have so many scriptwriters here but everybody just disappeared.

You can also read the short film scripts I have on my profile (some even made frontpage).

sholay2011:

Pls connect me o. It's like you know these people. I have disturbed Afolayan on Instagram to just give my script a read (he doesn't have to necessarily accept to work with it). I will reach Mo Abudu and Iroko as well once I'm sure I have a good script. Thanks for your support. I will like to also read something you're working on. We used to have so many scriptwriters here but everybody just disappeared.

You can also read the short film scripts I have on my profile (some even made frontpage).

I don't know them personally o. Nah just suggestions. I will check out d short film scripts thanks (currently reading the Joker script). And also I will share mine wen i've started for sure.

Blakpot:


I don't know them personally o. Nah just suggestions. I will check out d short film scripts thanks (currently reading the Joker script). And also I will share mine wen i've started for sure.

Hello bro. I'm back again.

Attached is a slightly updated version of the script. I'll personally advise you read it from the beginning. Enjoy!

sholay2011:


Hello bro. I'm back again.

Attached is a slightly updated version of the script. I'll personally advise you read it from the beginning. Enjoy!

Ok man. Tnx

Blakpot:
Ok man. Tnx

Please let me know when you've downloaded it so I can remove the link from here. Thanks.

sholay2011:

Please let me know when you've downloaded it so I can remove the link from here. Thanks.

I've downloaded it already. Tnx

Blakpot:


Lol would be dope if Kunle Afolayan directs it. These one of the problems of our movie industry(if I can call it that), is that there is no recognizable system, that is structured in a way movie can be done with ease. Whereby directors, producers, screenwriters, can have access to access to each other(if it makes any sense).

U can also try Mo Abdu(good luck with that) or indirectly through producers she's worked with. The woman have got taste and very professional. The series Castle n Castle was dope. The amount of work that went into it is unbelievable.

If all else fails, there is always Mary Njoku �

LoL, Mary Njoku saving film makers since 2015

Sholay2011 , my nairaland mail no longer works. Send to this

Ignatio:
Sholay2011 , my nairaland mail no longer works. Send to this chioceaser@gmail.com

Oh okay bro. I wanted to send you the updated version of my script here to get some feedback from you as well. I will do that after work.