₦airaland Forum

pansophist:
True, but na women get this your lecture sha. Na them money too dey important for.

Otherwise most men will be in relationship, and the 20/80 rule won't exist. Where few men are rotating many women, while the women foolishly think the rich man belongs to only her lol

Interesting perspective! I would add that while a huge number of women have money first attitude, there is still a category of women who approach relationship from a wholesome perspective and not from one that is only limited to what they can get from that relationship like material effects and money. This in a way can also help you as a man to distinguish between a lady who is after what you have and the one who simply loves you for who you are. Its a world of difference.

pansophist:
One sign you are in the wrong relationship as a man is when the billing is excessive, incremental, and baseless.

A girl who doesn't like you but does not want to let you go will keep you only for billing. Every man is useful to a woman materially, even if she is disgusted by him.

Hmnnn, everything is not about money; relationships inclusive. Any relationship built on ephemerals like money and material possessions has no future and cannot be really fulfilling and nourishing.

Money is important; but it shouldn't take the first place.

1. YOU ARE NOT YOUR REAL SELF
A wrong relationship will squeeze you up. It sucks also.
It will always attempt to make you to adapt to the other person
without a corresponding demand on them as well for change and
adaptation. You become a shadow of your real self – always trying
to be who you are not in order to make someone else accept you,
love you, validate and eventually marry you. That is not love.
That is a cage, a lifelong one. Get out of it now before it is too late.



2. YOU ARE FULL OF SELF DOUBT
A situation where you aren’t sure of anything. I mean, there are no
inner guarantees and assurances within you that everything will be
alright. Even when you now seem to be sure, that assurance is short
lived – it soon fizzles out into outer space and you are back to square
one. You are not always sure about the tomorrow of that relationship.
It seems to be looking good today, but you have a feeling everything might
soon go south for both of you.


3. IT BRINGS VITAL RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR LIFE TO A CLOSE
There are vital relationships in your life before this lover boy, lover girl came
on board your life. Relationships with parents, siblings, mentors, business
partners etc. I am talking about relationships upon which your life has been
premised before he/she came. Relationships that have added colour and balance
to your life. Relationships without which your whole essence is not in view. If those
kinds of relationships come to an end, there is fire on your mountain, don’t wait…
run, run and run fast.



4. YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF BELONGING
A good relationship should give you a sense of belonging. It must of necessity make you
feel belonged. If it doesn’t make you feel that way, you might be in the wrong relationship.
You are out of place in her life and you don’t even fix well with his plans, you may need to
think about it very well. Not having a sense of belonging is like being invited to a party
without being given a chair to sit. You feel unwelcomed. You have the feeling that you are
not needed and you are just there like a figure head.



5. YOU DON’T HAVE A SAY
That relationship is wrong for you when major decisions in the relationship has to be made
for you. From the beginning of your relationship, you must ensure that you have a say in
major matters. At least, it should be 50-50. There should be compromises in a love
relationship though; even that compromise should be a two-way arrangement and never
one sided. Once it is one sided, that is a problem staring you in the face. You are a stake
holder in the relationship and your opinion should count. Get this from me, any man or
woman that has no respect for your opinion has no respect for you.


6. YOUR EXCITEMENTS ARE NORMAL
There is nothing normal about a correct love relationship – everything is abnormal.
Your excitement and heart beat for this person should be out of this world.
If your excitements over your relationship is a normal one, it is most likely not going
to give birth to a blissful marriage. When Adam saw Eve his wife, he exclaimed,
“this is the flesh of my flesh and the bone of my bones…” Your excitement should
be roof lifting and extravagant that you will need pre-marital counselling to keep things
in proper perspective. Some of us are more expressive of our feelings than others.
However, no matter how quiet you are, within your own heart, you know this guy/girl
always wake up something on your inside that intoxicates you.



7. IT UNDERMINES YOUR BOUNDARIES
Any relationship that has no boundaries is headed for the rock even before it begins.
Therefore, any relationship that has no regard for your personal boundaries is not a good
one for you. It is worse, if you have no personal boundaries yourself. A man or woman that
has no respect for your personal boundaries has no boundaries himself/herself. That is an
accident that is going to happen someday. Your physical boundary is very important – it must
never be compromised. It’s got to be a NO-NO to sex before marriage. Any man or woman that
is against that is either a play boy or a con girl.

Your emotional boundaries are also important. Your emotional health is very important in that
relationship. Your spiritual boundaries, financial boundaries, sexual boundaries ( sexual styles
and adventures that will be adopted in marriage)etc should never be trivialized. You must not
allow them to be put to the background or you end up being at the background yourself.



8. THE RELATIONSHIP HAS NO TRACEABLE POSITIVE IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE.
You look at yourself 360 degrees and you cannot place your finger on the positive
impacts of that relationship on your life, you are a joker – what an expensive joke!
You should have practical reasons to be glad you are in a relationship with him/her.
The reason is because, no relationship leaves you the way it meets you. If it is not
moving you forward, then, it is moving you backward. If it is not making you better,
then, you are getting worse without knowing (that won’t be you). What am driving at is,
it doesn’t leave you neutral; if it is not adding to you, it is taking something away from
you. Do the mathematics yourself!



9. IT DEPRIVES YOU OF THE RIGHT TO BE VULNERABLE
Being vulnerable around the one you love should be natural and normal.
It shouldn’t inject fear and vulnerability into your heart. Vulnerability is one of the major
features of a good relationship. However, a wrong relationship robs you of the right to
be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means, I trust you well enough to bring you into the private
lounge of my life (the most sensitive part), knowing fully well that you will not take advantage of me.
You should be able to let down your guard around them at least a little. You should be comfortable
to be yourself around them as much as possible per time. The moment you cant be vulnerable
in your relationship, you begin to9 keep secrets, playing hide and seek…
and you know the meaning of that! That vulnerability continues until the day of the wedding
where all inhibitions are finally out of place. There is free flow in a relationship where you
are most comfortable to be vulnerable around your partner.



10. YOU ARE AFRAID OF BEING JILTED
The first aim and intent of a wrong relationship is to break your heart.
When the heart is broken, everything is broken and that can be prevented.
You are in love with this girl and you are always scared of her dumping you someday,
you have not found a relationship yet. The guy you are in love with makes you as
comfortable as possible, but you are always scared that he will soon change and kick
you out of his life; don’t wait for a real experience to confirm that fear.

That your fear is legitimate. One day down the line in your relationship, the
unthinkable will happen and it is better to prevent it right now by being on
guard and responding appropriately. Protect you heart as no one will do it for you.
Fear always attract its object. It is either the fear is out of the way or you let go of the
relationship altogether.

© Adewunmi Oladele

dkidd:
Further classification of humans by humans for more controlling.

Actually, its about how you can control your circumstances
through self-awareness. Being aware of your vulnerabilities
helps you to protect yourself from being taken advantage of.

Cesarr1:
Thanks
I agree to this ur statement.

I'm glad you found it useful

Cesarr1:
How person go take sabi their own.

Think about what makes you feel most loved and appreciated.
Do you feel happiest when someone gives you a compliment,
helps you with tasks, or spends time with you?
That's how to find out.

How person go take sabi their own.[/quote]Think about what makes you feel most loved and appreciated.
Do you feel happiest when someone gives you a compliment,
helps you with tasks, or spends time with you?
That's how to find out.

1. Word of Affirmation

2. Quality Time

3. Acts of Service

4. Gifts

5. Physical Touch

Thanks for this. I am blessed reading this and I hope it does the same with others. Thanks for sharing

1. PERSPECTIVE: This is obviously not the time to fight. Don’t be impulsive, don’t get repulsive, don’t be aggressive and don’t be insensitive. Avoid confrontation as much as possible. It’s the time to put things into perspective.


Why Are They Saying No? It's essential to try and understand their perspective before jumping to conclusions.


2. YOUR PARENTS ARE NO ENEMIES OF PROGRESS: They are coming from a position of love – very though love. They want the very best for you judging from the lens of their own experiences and life experiences of others and they are unapologetically about it, so to speak.


They are also coming from a position of fear. Fear of how your differences and naivety may spell doom for you on your marital journey.


Your job here is clear. You are expected to build a bridge and not draw a battle line. Construct a bridge that gives a safe landing to all their concerns.


3. EMBRACE EMPATHY: Let’s venture into the realm of empathy, trying to put on our parents' shoe size, even if they pinch a bit or don’t really fit because they are oversize.


Wait a minute, do you know what it takes to give birth to and raise a child as grown as you? Obviously you don’t, but at this time you are going to try!


I am not saying agree with them, all I am asking, is that you try to understand where their objections are coming from so you can constructively address them one by one.


You have to stand in their shoes, maybe wearing those proverbial spectacles, and ponder what the world looks like through their lens.


4. DON’T MAKE HASTY CONCLUSIONS: We come to conclusions too fast. You don’t want to do that because, it won’t help anyone either you or them.


I can tell you for free that your parents didn’t know you have grown that much to be able to take that kind of life altering decision without messing things up.


By exhibiting understanding towards their concerns so as not to conclude too soon, you demonstrate maturity and respect for their differences. When you arrive at conclusions in haste, you close the door to meaningful and constructive dialogue.


5. COMMUNICATION IS KEY: Engage your parents as much as possible. Talk to them with respect and understanding.


Demonstrate to them that you have what it takes to wine and dine with the elders. Let them know you have grown, really, judging by the way you approach this matter.


Yes, it can be very challenging, I know. However, communication is what you are going to have to do every married day of your life. See this as your first training ground.


Listen attentively to them. This shows that you value their input, even if you may disagree.


Acknowledge their feelings and validate them. Demonstrating that you understand where they are coming from while at the same time being clear and respectful about what you want.


Choose your words carefully. Timing is also very important. Approach them at a time when you know they are most vulnerable to you.


6. Evaluate Your Relationship:
Take a step back and objectively evaluate your relationship. Critically consider whether your parents' concerns have merit and whether the relationship is truly right for you. Sometimes, their objections may serve as a valuable reality check.


Please, do your due diligence. Ask tough questions from your intended. Go back to your drawing board. Re-assess and re-appraise the relationship over and over. Go for pre-marital counselling. This is imperative. Who knows, your parents might be right.

However, if after all that, your indicators are still pointing in the direction of this person intending to get married to you, then continue to the next step.



7. SEEK MEDIATION: When the family nest feels more like a court of law, it's time to call in the neutral party.


This is a very powerful principle. It worked like magic in my own case.


I need to stress here that your friends don’t have much say in this matter. They are more likely to share your views on the matter. You need a matured input.


Adults will guide you on what to do and the right things to say and probably point out your own mistakes to you so you can make amends.


8. MEDIATOR MUST BE MATURE: Let me warn here that for this to be effective, that person you are bringing in must be a person whose opinion and input your parents strongly respect and value.


At the same time, that person must have a position that is close to yours as much as possible on the matter.


They are more likely to listen and respond to adults like them.


By doing this, you are strategically bringing in reinforcements and support for yourself. They can be your cheerleaders, your strategists in the game of love versus family expectations.


9. GIVE THEM SOME TIME:


Your parents also need to add perspectives to their objections.


Sometimes, parents need time to ABSORB the idea of their child being in a relationship, especially if it's a significant departure from their expectations.


Give them time to process their feelings and consider your perspective. Be patient and continue to communicate openly.


10. STAND YOUR GROUND:


Do all you can to be inclusive of your parents' position.


However, if your parents are overstepping your boundaries or trying to control your love life or your life in general, it’s important to assert yourself and clearly communicate what you are and are not comfortable with.


Setting boundaries is a healthy way to establish your independence and show your parents that you have your own thoughts and preferences.


Finally, standing your ground with your parents is about asserting your independence and autonomy in a respectful and healthy way.


At the end of the day, your life's story is yours to author.


May your love story be one of empathy, triumph and true love in Jesus name (Amen).


Adewunmi Oladele © 2024