₦airaland Forum

thronekid:
Okay. The story is going okay. The storyline seems good. Captivating, too.

You could try to work on the terrible acts though, they would be a major turn off to those Nature's bestowed with faint hearts.

Also, a quite germane part of stories this genre is not yet in. You'll need the suspense. Really. It helps. Take your time too, the story should seem well planned to the reading world. You might want to augment your diction too.

Cross checking helps too. Try to adapt.

Lest I forget, the title could be this: Debt From Home (a killer's instinct) or Debt From Home; a killer's instinct

I only hope to learn more from you, sir. And hopefully, grow better under your supervision.

Keep up the good work!

Thats much. Invaluable piece of information. My learning has just started, thank you Thronekid.

Modifying the title now.

Divepen1:
all the bosses have talked. Let me just wish you well,and remind you that everybody who had a eyes for your mistake, never had it before but they practiced and practiced until they saw that mistake; so, keep writing until you are see those mistakes.
Learn from their advices.

Oga Divepen, your words are encouraging. Tnx mucho, so gonna work hard.

Kitme:
Lmao...boss keh? btw,i'm a girl. Nice story, scratch that, great story,save for a few errors. i'm so followin.

boss? yes!
My present boss is a lady.
I must be sincere, I didnt check the sex. pardonne moi s'elle vous plait.

Tnx for your presence, means alot. Certainly gonna work on the errors.

Kitme:
Hmmm.....

Another boss breezes by. Kit I hail oooo .... bros.

Galaxdiva:
Ahhhhh..... U dedicated it to me? Wow...tnx dear... D story aint bad at all

Aha! the diva is here. Tnx dear. I will do better

You care for some frog peppersoup? The stuff aint bad at all.

Skimpledawg:
Na onemansquad and sons eateries.... Just place ya order online..


Yu doin a nice work hia bros

Am off to see onemansquad ........

Thanks Skimple, I hope to get better.

Its been awhile I read a piece with that writing style. cool.

Skimpledawg:
Chilling at dVIP corner wt ma cold alomo n frog peppersoup......


Plz do heed d words of our fathers of literature hia oo i. e oga Larrysun n Baba kingzpen....

n btw, more updates

Yeah sure, who wouldn't heed to the pros' advice?
Abeg skimple, where you order that frog peppersoup?

[quote author=LarrySun post=35520710]Okay, I think the story is promising.

The terrible acts are too gross for my liking though. Which psycho would shatter someone else's manhood? Ew!

And OP, you need to write more carefully. Your updates are rife with a lot of errors.

Well done, sir.

A pro' s perspective, cool.
Errors, my guilt. Still a rookie and the ineptness comes with it. Baba, could you pls highlight one or two of the errors so i could be more careful.

LarrySun:
Lol! I was trying to enjoy myself by sneeking into Kayemjay's story. I never knew I would be caught!

I'll be updating very soon, sir. I cross my heart. (+)

Just the duo, I wanted to see .
Abeg my oga Kay and Larry, I have decided to do a one year apprenticeship under your combo tutorage. Please do accept moi, s' ill vous plait.
https://www.nairaland.com/2422196/debt-home-killers-instinct
Breeze in and check where am getting it wrong. merci mes amis.

Ephhay:
bby u r here

I like the air in here, make I just dey one corner dey watch.

KingzPen:
Yes it is... Itz fast developing...
Take your time...

sure i will, sire.

KingzPen:
Wooooow... Dedicated to me? Thanks Boss! I really do appreciate it...

So learning from your writeup...

Keep It Up Sir...

Thanks boss, hope the story is good?

Dedicated to Jics KingzPen SofiaAmrozia Galaxdiva discoprophet

Today was going to be a busy day for him, lot of things to be done. There was the Dr Obinna Kalu's murder and he had a full list of people to question. He knew he needed a workable clue to nab the killer as quick as possible before he/she strikes again and so far he has got none. He feared the killings and the name he had left behind had the makings of a cold serial killer. The Purger, the name had sent cold chill running up his spine at the time.

Shooting the doc on the chest was enough to finish him, why tearing open his trouser and beating a dead man' s penis to pulp. He was not even sure which act had come first, whether the killer had smashed the manhood when the man was still alive before shooting him. The coroner was still to bring in his report, he made a mental note to call the coroner later, his results could answer some of his questions and possibly give him new angles to work on. He had a feeling there was more to the mode of killing. What was the killer trying to say? Why the manhood? Was the killer a man or a woman? So many questions and he had no answer to any. He needed answers and he was going to get one.

The name "The Purger " worried him more. What was the son of a bitch purging? Going by the name, the city could witness more gruesome killings. He shuddered at the thought.

He scratched the back of his head, deep in thought. His head felt hot. Damn it! Not another migraine. He brought out a small cup and shook out some pills into his palm, pushed the pills into his mouth and flushed it down with a cup of water.

Someone knocked on the door, and before he could finish the come-in routine, she was already inside.She was a tall, late twenties, dark-skinned lady in the police dark blue and black uniform. She thrusted a sealed file in front of him,
" reports from the lab boys, just came in now. "
"Thank you," he muttered, not looking at her.

The lady cop walked to the door, opened it halfway and turned back, pushing her hips to a provocative position,
" is there anything I could do for you? " she asked, sounding as romantic as she could be.
" Yes! Close the damn door! " he was almost shouting.
The lady cop seemed to be expecting the answer, she didnt show any sign of disappointment, she rather walked away with a there-will-be- another-time look on her face.

The content of the file brought him no joy. The lab boys had found only two prints, the murdered duo of the doc and his security man. There was no print of any intruder anywhere. He dropped the contents into a pack and locked it in a cabinet, his face a simmer of disappointment and worry. This is not looking good, he was dealing with a brilliant killer. A brilliant killler with a mission and perhaps a motive, what could be more worrying than it.

The intercom buzzed and he picked up the reciever, a croaked male voice was on the side of the line, his boss.
"Another killing! Get your ass down here! " it was an order.

***************************************

CHAPTER TWO

Detective Ikenna Humble Asiegbu sat on a leather sofa, his two legs lay on the polished mahogany desk that has been a pioneer ooccupant of the office in his regime.

The office was tastefully furnished, a look it now had for the single efforts of Ike. The office had been a room furnished with just a table, two wooden back chairs and a ceiling fan whose noise could drown out the noise of a c,hopper's propeller. Ike had lodged an official complaint to his station boss, who had promised to look into it. Two months elapsed and his boss was still to " look into it " and that was when it dawned on him that nothing could be done in eternity. " Will look into it " was merely a line used in the force to assuage tempered hearts and raise false hopes. It was at this point that he furnished the office with his own money. He had the office repainted, ordered complete set of office chairs, all leather stuffed, a desk top, book shelve made of polished wood and glass, a mini-sixed fridge, a plasma tv and an OX industrial fan. He had the door changed with a bullet-proofed one and got the floor tiled.

The reactions that followed the self-sponsored renovation was plenty. Some had rumored that the renovations was sponsored by the Police Headquarters, they chirped stories of preferential treatment and Ike being a big recipient. Others simply said he was the spoilt child of a rich dad who had not merited a single promotion save for his fathers coins.

The big wall clock chimed 10 and Ike sighed, the morning was fast going and he was still stuck here waiting the report from the lab boys.

A phone vibrated somewhere in his pocket and he reached for it, it was doctor Baribefe, the doc in charge of Gloryland Hospital. He punched the receiver button and activated the loudspeaker, placing the phone on the table.
" hello doc "
" Detective, morning " a polished voice said from the other side of the line.
" any improvement? " he inquired.
" exactly why I called " doc said. He stopped and continued " She is awake, She has returned to consciousness. "
" when was that? " Ike asked.
" five minutes ago, I thought you should know."
" that is a good news " and for the first time in four days, Ike smiled.
" Can I speak with her? "
" No, you can't, sir. She may need to rest. "
Doctors and their formalities, he thought.
" Fine, I will be there shortly " and the line went dead .

CHAPTER TWO

Detective Ikenna Humble Asiegbu sat on a leather sofa, his two legs lay on the polished mahogany desk that has been a pioneer ooccupant of the office in his regime.

The office was tastefully furnished, a look it now had for the single efforts of Ike. The office had been a room furnished with just a table, two wooden back chairs and a ceiling fan whose noise could drown out the noise of a c,hopper's propeller. Ike had lodged an official complaint to his station boss, who had promised to look into it. Two months elapsed and his boss was still to " look into it " and that was when it dawned on him that nothing could be done in eternity. " Will look into it " was merely a line used in the force to assuage tempered hearts and raise false hopes. It was at this point that he furnished the office with his own money. He had the office repainted, ordered complete set of office chairs, all leather stuffed, a desk top, book shelve made of polished wood and glass, a mini-sixed fridge, a plasma tv and an OX industrial fan. He had the door changed with a bullet-proofed one and got the floor tiled.

The reactions that followed the self-sponsored renovation was plenty. Some had rumored that the renovations was sponsored by the Police Headquarters, they chirped stories of preferential treatment and Ike being a big recipient. Others simply said he was the spoilt child of a rich dad who had not merited a single promotion save for his fathers coins.

The big wall clock chimed 10 and Ike sighed, the morning was fast going and he was still stuck here waiting the report from the lab boys.

A phone vibrated somewhere in his pocket and he reached for it, it was doctor Baribefe, the doc in charge of Gloryland Hospital. He punched the receiver button and activated the loudspeaker, placing the phone on the table.
" hello doc "
" Detective, morning " a polished voice said from the other side of the line.
" any improvement? " he inquired.
" exactly why I called " doc said. He stopped and continued " She is awake, She has returned to consciousness. "
" when was that? " Ike asked.
" five minutes ago, I thought you should know."
" that is a good news " and for the first time in four days, Ike smiled.
" Can I speak with her? "
" No, you can't, sir. She may need to rest. "
Doctors and their formalities, he thought.
" Fine, I will be there shortly " and the line went dead.

Happy birthday larry
May good fortunes see you to marry
You will always shine like a sun
And ofcourse remember to have fun.

Your pen shall go places
Unchallenged among all races
A giant you shall be
Stinging your opponents like a bee.

Today we all rejoice
Saying happy birthday with one voice
Cut your cake and drink your wine
Get some tunes and dance and whine.

SofiaAmrozia:
Nice write-up. There are some typos though, not necessarily much. #following

ok thanks. will do well to cut the typos in my subsequent posts.

A Letter To Amanda part2.

My dear Chimamanda
Do you know those old parrots still wonder
Why I always call you Amanda
What do I care, I leave them to ponder


A lot has happened since uou left for lagos
A new faith has come all the way from India
They always close their eyes and say God save us
That cheeky group led by the skinny sister Lydia.


No, i think they are all Irish
That was what I heard in their new parish
They said there is a God, Jesus the saviour
Urged us all to seek his face and gain his favour.


All these years and its changes
I have wallowed in misery and pain
With no Amanda to share with me in ages
What meaning is life, if not vain.


Your absence has made me seek out suicide
Once I have hung a rope inside
Noose around my neck, I hesitated at the time
Obviously leaving you would have been a bigger crime.


to be continued.
an Emperor Fidel production.

KingzPen:
Awesome Work... Following Boss...

Kingzpen's presence? am homoured.

I might as well do well with a little criticism, I use this medium to beckon on seasoned readers to check out my detective crime fiction, Debt From Home, I wouldnt mind being graded. Larry sun, Ishilove, Kingzpen and all you hot brain fellows.
A poem titled A Letter to Amanda is in the poetry section and awaits your thought, where is laycorn and co?

My dear Amanda
Beautiful pearl of Umuada
Elizabeth Taylor in all her beauty
Gave you you credit as a glamour deity.

Days have rolled into silent years
Great silence that has defiled my ears
A thousand letters, I have written
A thousand wait, I was beaten.

Distraught widower I now answer
As I wail aloud like one with cancer
Mourning your absence till the birds went to nest
Only then will my sleepy body snatch a rest.

If tears were kept, I have made a river
If sacrifices were needed, I would give my liver
I would do anything ask Nze the leper
Anything just to have you reply my paper.

How have you forgotten so soon
The dance of Dinta we made in the moon
Where I held your hand and savoured your face
Before we got lost in a hot embrace.

to be continued.

A Letter to Amanda series,
an Emperor Fidel production.

No portion of this publication may be reproduced or utilised in any form without the prior permission of the author.

Here I go again.


Then she saw her.
She was a big woman, almost six feet, with big boobs that nearly ripped out of the shiny lace top that she wore. A similar lace material was elegantly wrapped around her waist and she held an expensive yellow purse under her armpit, the purse matched the colour of the lace and the heeled designer shoe. She looked every inch an affluent lady.

The moment she worked into the bar, some of the girls stiffened to attention, greeting and bowing at the same time. She cared less to respond to thier greetings,
"get to work " she bossed in her usual deep voice unusual of a lady. Her phone rang and she flipped it open and stuck it to her ear, she began shouting orders into the phone unaware that her big frame had almost blocked the entrance. Fez- cap saw her chance and took it.

Quickly she grabbed her bag and walked steadily to where the big lady stood, she tapped the lady's shoulder with her left hand and she looked at her, ignored her and went back to her call obviosly not recognising her.
This asshole has not changed a bit, Fez- cap thought.
" Madam! " Fez-cap called with a cool tiny voice, irate with hatred.
" Don't you recognize me again? " she queried.
And then, recognition jumped into her eyes and she was about grabbing her when she saw what she was holding. Her body almost jumped out of its skin. The phone fell off her hand to the ground and things happened very fast.

One moment, the big lady was on her knees, head up and hands clamped together as if she was pleading, she now looked a shadow of a her proud self. The next moment, there was a flash and a deafening bang.
Fez- cap squeezed the trigger, and the bullet struck her at the temple, blowing off a part of her head. She lowered her hand and squeezed again, the slug struck her at the breast, making a mess of the massive breast. She was already dead before she hit the floor.

There was commotion in the bar, tables fell, glasses and bottles shattered on the floor as people scrambled for safety. A drunk man made a wrong move and grabbed Fez- cap's coat, such bravery had its rewards. She kicked out with the back of her heel and the hold loosened, reflexively she swirled around, aimed at his drunk head, the barrel was so close to his head and she squeezed. The room shook again, flesh, brain, and blood flew into the air. More cries of terror.

Jumping over the lifeless body, she ran out of the bar and made for the gate and halted abruptly. A middle aged man raised an automatic weapon and aimed, but that was as far as he could go. There was a metallic click, and a large gaping red hole appeared on his chest, he staggered a step forward, coughed out blood and fell on his face, dead as latin. A surprised Fez-cap looked up and saw him, his silencer gun still smoking and she smiled.
" Thank you, again " she said.
" Pick up his rifle, let's go " thick, cold voice.

She picked up the rifle and ran across the road to where a silver coloured Honda packed. He sat behind the wheel and she sat beside him, breathless.
" You got your justice " the cold thick voice asked.
" Have never been more happy "she pecked him on the cheek, smiling girlishly, her young age very pronounced.
" We' ve got work to do, the city needs cleansing " a certain meanness to his voice.

He started the car and they zoomed off.

to be continued.

nice one bro, thumbs up.

Readers of detective crime fiction, you may do well to check up the blockbuster piece I dropped couple hours ago. Go have ur share of suspense!

more blockbuster coming.