₦airaland Forum

EMPLOYEE COUNSELING – IMPORTANCE TO THE GROWTH OF EVERY ORGANIZATION
Many firms today realize the importance of attracting and retaining highly skilled, quality employees as a necessary component of their competitive advantage. One of the reasons that a quality workforce along with innovative tools for attracting and retaining has become so important is because previous sources of competitive advantage have become less important overtime.
For example, previously, a firm’s success was attributed to an emphasis on product and process technology, access to financial markets, developing economies of scale & learning curves, patents, protected and regulated markets & individual attractiveness. Recently, however, some scholars have noted that these traditional sources of success are less important than in the past and emphasize that the selection and management of a quality workforce has become an increasingly critical factor to organizational success. Today, HR practitioners are busy developing new and innovative tools to attract and retain quality workforce.
One such tool that soon is likely to gain popularity in the corporate world is Employee Counseling. Employee counseling is a service offered by companies to their employees. Organizations that care for their employees are perceived as more meaningful and purposeful. Every organization has economic and social goals. Here, it is worthwhile to note some observations made by the Chairman of TAB-12 Accounting Solution in this regard. He states, “The task of leadership is to make people believe in themselves, the organization, in the aggressive targets the organization sets. Belief comes from trust: the trust that this organization isn’t about making one set of stakeholders better off; it is about making every one of us better off….”

A firm may gain competitive advantages from Employee Counseling activities especially if its reputation and image is valuable, rare and not easily imitated. Employee counseling therefore is a very powerful tool in the hands of companies in attracting and retaining quality workforce.

Although Counseling is known by many names like 'therapy' or 'helping' it is by and large, an attempt to encourage change. The counselee’s problems could be so complex that it might be difficult to see any system of help as an elegant solution. But, Counseling has shown some effectiveness over the years, as a process of helping people come through with their troubles.

Counseling is a process of helping people to learn how to solve certain interpersonal, emotional and decision problems. Counselors help their counselees to ‘learn’. The criterion for success in any Counseling is real changes in behavior on the part of the counselee. Counselors are concerned that their counselees become independent problem solvers. Continued dependence on the counselor as well as others is discouraged. Counselors are concerned with habit changes that increase peoples' satisfaction with themselves. It could be anything from helping people chooses a career option, becoming appropriately assertive or communicating more harmoniously with team members. Largely, Counseling has been a 'remedial approach'. But recently there has been a slight change in emphasis, from remedial to 'preventive'.

It is rightly said, ‘half knowledge is dangerous’. People often harbor myths about the counseling process. Some false beliefs about counseling are as follows:
(source: Magazine - Dignity Dialogue, 31July 2001)

No human being is perfect and we all constantly fight our own inadequacies in our own ways. Working in any organization requires an individual to be geared up to face the challenges of work-life. This does not mean he/she can escape the duties and responsibilities of family life, whether married or unmarried. Not every individual is competent enough to take and manage the stress of a hectic life style. Thus, we cannot deny the fact that every individual has intra and inter-personal problems whether at work or at home. The HR function of any organization has the most important challenging job of "making the most" of their Human Resource. An employee can give his best to the organization only if he is in a positive "frame of mind". A mentally preoccupied or troubled individual will be in a position to give very little to his company.

No successful organization will ever be free from stress among its employees. Organization should be able to deal with stress on individuals at all levels. Here the role of Counseling comes in, where people can talk and attempt to solve their personal and work related worries. Need for employee counseling arises due to various causes in addition to stress. These causes include: to deal effectively with one’s own emotions, interpersonal problems and lack of team spirit at workplace, inability to meet job demands, over work-load, confrontation with authority, responsibility and accountability, conflicts with superiors, subordinates and management and various family problems, health problems, career problems, etc. Counseling is a process of helping an individual to help himself.

Counseling, basically aims at helping individuals take charge of their lives. For this, individuals need two types of skills: ability to make decisions wisely and altering one's own behavior to yield desirable consequences. A counselor’s job, then, becomes one of arranging appropriate learning experiences so that people develop these skills. Counselors avoid giving speeches about what should be done, but ideas for action are developed with the active co-operation of the counselee. The Counselor does not try to talk the client into feeling that the situation is hopeless. Instead, he/she encourages the client to begin taking action, the successful consequences of which would encourage the client to continue.

According to Eisenberg & Delaney, the aims of counseling are as follows:

1. Understanding self
2. Making impersonal decisions
3. Setting achievable goals which enhance growth
4. Planning in the present to bring about desired future
5. Effective solutions to personal and interpersonal problems.
6. Coping with difficult situations
7. Controlling self defeating emotions
8. Acquiring effective transaction skills.
9. Acquiring 'positive self-regard' and a sense of optimism about one's own ability to satisfy one's basic needs.

Counseling is discussion of an employee’s problem that usually has an emotional content to it, in order to help the employee cope with the situation better. Counseling seeks to improve employee’s mental health. People feel comfortable about themselves and about other people and are able to meet the demands of life when they are in good mental health.

A primary research was carried out in the year 2002 at a manufacturing company based in Lagos, Nigeria. This public limited company has five manufacturing sites across the country and four sales divisions. This research aimed at investigating the (felt) need for employee counseling in the organization. The design of this research study was exploratory in nature. The primary source of data collection was structured interviews, the sample being one hundred and ten (110) employees which is 20 % of the employee strength – five hundred and fifty three (553) of the corporate office of the company. The interview schedule comprised of both closed and open ended questions. A random sampling technique was used. The employee sample was 20 % of each of the divisions operating from the corporate office and was a perfect mix of managerial level employees, staff level employees and worker level employees.
Some important conclusions that were derived from the research study are:
• Majority of the employees of the company (61% of the sample) were unaware of the concept of Employee Counseling. Those employees who had a partially correct idea (25 % of the sample) about employee counseling knew that it was related to helping an employee in distress, advising, creating self-awareness and personality development. The remaining 14 % had an incorrect understanding about the concept.
• After the researcher had explained what employee counseling was all about, 69 % of the sample agreed that there was a (perceived) need for employee counseling in the company. The reasons were many, most common ones being to assist employees solve their personal and/or work related problems and to improve the employee relationships and overall culture of the workplace. Among the 31 % who were of the viewpoint that employee counseling as an institutionalized process was not needed in the company, 57 % of this group felt that the company had a family culture and the informal relationships between the employees could be leveraged upon.
• Only 22 % of the sample disagreed on the importance of employee counseling as a part of HR –systems while 78 % of the employees felt that counseling is an important HR function.
• 83 % of the employees were unaware of the companies practicing Employee Counseling in Nigeria (this could also be because the sample was a mix of managerial employees, staff level and workers)

The research results indicate that majority of the sample under study responded positively to the hypothesis i.e. a need for Employee Counseling was felt and that it would benefit the organization. However, the awareness about the concept of counseling and employee counseling, particularly so was found to be exceptionally low.
Organizations therefore, need the services of the following professionals:-
- Employee Data Analyst
- Employee Counselor
- Employee Conflict and Resolution Manager
- Employee Stress Auditor
They can function as a new department in every organization or as a consultant.
Organizations are therefore advised to either train there HR personnel staff or employed a professional and qualified Employee Counselors (The Training and certification is available now in Nigeria).
The way the corporate sector has opened up to the world economy, it is now high time for organizations to open up for employee-orientated HR processes like counseling, coaching and mentoring. The corporate world is changing and so are the Human Resource Management practices. It is imperative that we adapt the changing styles to manage our people better. It is not just for the benefit of the employees but in the interest of the organization to show that ‘we care’ about this important segment of our stakeholders.

Source:- Oluseun Babalola
MD/CEO, D-Maniels Educational Consult
(Employee Counseling Professionals)

Father has been defined in the dictionary as a male parent especially human, whereas, parent is known to be one of the two persons who are jointly the cause of ones birth.
Though not all men are father, but because the mentality and understanding of the populace is that any man that can jointly claim to give birth to a child with a woman is a father, we usually refer to all men as a father. Some men despite having children are not qualified to be called a father.

The agreement between a man and a woman to give birth or to raise a child makes them a parent, giving the two (man and woman) a mandate to take care of such child physically, morally, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and financially.

Though father is one of the parents, he apart from the wife, have some personal characteristics and responsibilities expected of him, which will qualify him to become a 'Father'. Every man going into marriage must have it at the back of their mind that the post of a father is not honourary and for fun, the office is tasking which requires total commitment and sacrifice both morally, physically, spiritually, financially and psychologically.

For a man to become a well responsible father, there are three major capacities he must function convincingly and satisfactorily, though we always believe 'no man is perfect', the man that understand the concept of 'being a father' must score at least above average in these three major offices we are to discuss.

The three (3) major capacities man needs to function excellently before he can be regarded as a father are as follows:-

1. Himself (His Personal Life):-
Man must grow up in age, maturity and understanding with some other required characteristics before he can be classified as a 'Father'

Many believed all men are fathers but I say NO. Some people are men like every other men, they have no wife or children and you can not trace a family which they have raised. Some do so because of their faith(religion) and some do so because of their own personal reasons.
The fact remains men are different from husbands and husbands are different from fathers.
These three looks alike but are three different things/functions in meaning.
A man is every other male child that aims and look forward to becoming a husband and a father someday, he might be fortunate to fulfill this wish and might not be so fortunate to see that dream come to reality.

A husband is a man that is fortunate to marry a woman as a wife and live together as couples, they might have children between them and they might not have children. The most important fact here is that, being a husband does not make a man a father.

A father is someone who knows what it means to build a 'home' (not house) and take up responsibilities to make sure the home stand.

The ability to take up responsibilities is the difference between a husband and a father. Some of those responsibilities are:-

- Self esteem:- This is a respect for oneself. A man must have personal respect for himself in all ways of life, some characters are to be out-grown and some are to be learn. A man eying the post of a 'father' MUST learn how to honour and respect himself (not pride).
A married man playing a Play Station game with little children in the neighborhood have no value for himself or a married man who is always chasing young and single ladies in the neighborhood to have immoral affairs with them have no respect for himself (Aristo). Also, a man who have cultivated the habit of burrowing and buying things on credit in the neighborhood is bound to loose his value and respect.

Some men see nothing wrong in having extra marital affairs either with their colleagues (both superior, immediate and junior), some will even go to the extent of having illicit affairs with older women known as 'sugar mummy', any man with such behaviours are degrading their values and are loosing their self esteem.
Other characters include: abuse, immoral dressing, bad habits,

- High intellectual:-
A man must be highly intellectual and sound. The reasoning faculty must be strong and sharp. Man must be able to think straight and have the ability to provide solutions to problems no matter how hard or easy. Women always cherish a man that can use his initiative to attend to issues no matter how logical.
A husband that can not improvise or use his mind to create something or solve some immediate issues in the family is not capable of being a father. Some women prefer to discuss some important issues with their male colleagues or co-workers and friends than discussing such issue with their husbands because they know he will not be able to come up with a reasonable idea.

- Ability to say 'yes' and 'no' when necessary:-
A respected man must be able to stand up with boldness and courage to say YES or NO when necessary. A man must not be a 'chameleon' who is always changing in characters and not straight in his dealings with people around him. Some men are not always straight forward to themselves, their wives and even children not to talk of neighbours or co-workers. Some men are cunning and feable minded, they are always sitting on the fence whenever their is an issue simply because they cannot say YES when need be and NO when neccessary.
A well respected man, who want to become a real 'father' must always stand on his feet to say YES and NO at all times.

- Ability to take responsibilities:- As said earlier, not all husbands are fathers because the position of a father is not honourary or temporary, it's a post with responsibilities and functions and when a man failed to take up responsibilities, he is not a father.
Starting from establishing a relationship, it takes courage and inner strength before a man can initiate or establish a meaningful relationship.
Accepting and taking care of a pregnancy is another critical issue in marriage. Some men have failed to take up the responsibilities of the pregnancy of their wives and some have failed to the point of birth of such pregnancy. As I use to say, 'I don't believe there are bastards, we only have children who their fathers are not men enough to take up responsibilities'.
Responsibilities such as payment of house rent, children school fees, house upkeep, raising the children in a Godly way and so on is what differentiate a husband and a father.

- Hardworking:- A man must be up and doing and must be able to put food on the table for his family. Though the economic situation of the country is somehow where many people are living under a dollar per day, it is hard for some husbands to actually provide all the needs of the family but the most important thing is that, a man that want to attain the post of a father must try as much as possible not to be idle or lazy, he must try as much as possible to be hardworking (legitimately).
As said earlier, marriage is not a child's play and the office or post of a father is not honorary, it requires strong characters and mentality also, man must be able to be in control of his family spiritually, physically, emotionally, psychologically and most importantly financially. Every man must know that the responsibility of providing for their families depends on them though the wife can be of support in a situation where the mans' effort is not enough, the most important thing is that, a well respectable 'father' will be hard working (legitimately)
- God fearing:- A real father must be God fearing. A God fearing man will make his home a heaven on earth through his characters and behaviours. A God fearing man will not maltreat his wife and ignore the children, he must relate with both his wife and children with the fear of God.
A man with the fear of God will not see any fault in his wife and if their is will correct with love, understanding and maturity. A father will also make sure that the up bringing of the children is according to the ways of the Lord.
A God fearing man will not engage in activities that will tarnish the image of the family or put other members of the family to ridicule and mockery in the society.
Though many husbands are guilty of all the aforementioned, but fathers will not.

to be continue.
The Listening Ears Counseling Group
www.listeningears.net


https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Listening-Ears-Counseling-Group/153675448145829

Dear Sir/Ma,

LETTER OF INTRODUCTION AND PERMISSION

I write on behalf of the above named organization to formally introduce to
you The Listening Ears Counseling Group.

The organization is a professional Counseling firm based in Lagos, Nigeria
and our primary objective is “to create a depression free society where
everybody can make positive impact and maximize their potentials wherever
they find themselves irrespective of their position, age, tribe, sex,
educational status, religion, and individual differences through
Counseling”.

I will like to use this medium to seek for permission to organize a
seminar (awareness) in your organization titled “DEPRESSION: CAUSES AND
EFFECTS ON PRODUCTIVITY AND POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS”.

The Objectives of the Seminar Include:

Objectives:

- To critically understand what Depression is.
- To examine the effects of depression on Productivity
- To highlight causes and effects of depression among members of staff
within the organization
- To examine how depression can cause hindrances to maximization of human
resources in corporate organizations
- To evaluate the effects of depression on both internal and external
activities of the members of staff of the organization
- To suggest possible solutions to depression for members of staff
- To highlight the importance of Employee Counseling department in
Corporate Organizations

Therefore, I will like to know when the said program can be organized, if
the proposal is approved.

Kindly contact the undersigned on any of the phone numbers above or
through an email on counsel@listeningears.net for the date, time and other
inquiries.

Looking forward to hear from you and thanks for the cooperation we wish to
enjoy.

Yours faithfully,



Opeyemi Babalola
Director

Marriage is a club of two where three and more becomes a crowd and also not welcome (that is our belief). But the question we all need to ask ourselves is: can a relationship/marriage be free from the influence of third parties?

Talking about the third party in marriage/relationship, we should understand the basic meaning and fundamentals of it, also, we should know who and what that can be categorise as a third party in a relationship/marriage.

Third parties are both human and other materials or resources that influence or can influence the decisions and actions of couples' or would-be-couples' towards their spouses, either positively or negatively.

Third parties can be parents, siblings, relatives, colleagues, neighbors, religious leaders, mentors, role models, celebrities, music, movies, books, social media and even 'Ex'. Third parties are not necassarily our family and friends or humans, they can also be those things we do think of but never considered to have influence or can have influence on our relationship/marriage, such are: money, fame, job, business, position, power, activities in religious circle, car, electronics gadgets, telecommunication gadgets, ambition, social media and so on.

It is a common notion that whenever we hear people talk about third party in a relationship, we always believe it is a friend or family member(s) that is being refered to. Also, we tend to believe that another lady or guy is somewhere having influence on our marrige or relationship.

The fact will always remain , we cannot do away with third parties in a relationship, except we want to keep fooling ourselves or we want to be an island. Third parties will 'always' be present in every phase of our relationship from the day we meet till the end of the union, either consciously or unconsciously.

We live in the part of the world where we cannot do away with our family members irrespective of how many years we've spent in the relationship, we will always go back to them for a reason or two, also, their is no way you will not share a thing or two with a friend, colleague, your religious leaders or your inlaws (his/her siblings and parents), from how good, caring, God fearing, ambitious and responsible he/she is or how wicked, wayward, self centred, dubious, irresponsible and insensitive he/she is.

Third parties will always be available in relationships and not only that, they will contribute to the relationship, either to make it wax stronger or to collapse. It is left for couples' in marriage or would-be-couples' to decide whatever they want, how they want the third parties to contribute, on what topic should third parties contribute and to what extent can a third party get to.

Once we all have the mindset that we cannot do away with the presence of a third party, we will be on the look out and be extra ordinary careful to guide agaist the 'negative' influence of it on our relationships.

The Listening Ears Counseling Group
www.listeningears.net
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Listening-Ears-Counseling-Group

After I posted the write up on the topic 'before you propose to her', I have received quite number of email requesting for the female version of the topic.
I titled this one[b] 'Before You Say I Do'?[/b]

Someone says one goal all women have in common is marriage. No woman will want to live the rest of her life with her parents, no matter how caring and loving they are. Once a lady is crossing over to her 'twenties', the consciousness of 'one day I will get married' will be all over her mind.

Once a lady begin to have intimate friends from the opposite sex, the quest to live the rest of her life outside the confine of her parents will be on. She will start thinking of when she'll have the total freedom and be left alone with the 'love of her life', she will want to express her love to the new man in her life (apart from her father and brothers), she'll want to spend more time with him and always be in his company, she'll be looking forward to that day when people from far and near, family and friends, will gather together to celebrate her, the day she will be handed over to the man she love.

The more the feelings for the man becomes stronger, the more she will be getting tired of her house (parents house) and will be waiting patiently till the day she'll finally have the opportunity to leave her parents for her new found love, either through mutual consent or by disagreement, either by proper handing over or by 'run-away'.

Most of the time, the quest to love and be loved is usually higher than knowing much about the man in question. Some ladies usually leave their parents to go and stay with a man they knew little or nothing about without the consent of their parents, just because they thought they have found love. Some were fortunate to get out of the aftermath of such 'impromptu marriage' while some are not so fortunate, some go to the extra length of living with the guy in question for months and years to the extent of getting pregnant for the man who have not met with their parents or have request for their hands in marriage or that does not even have any projection of marriage at the said time .

Getting married to a cute, good looking, handsome, rich, influential, social and well to do man is the dream of every woman, but we should understand that marriage is not the number of people that bought or will buy 'aso ebi', it is not the number of gifts that will be presented as a wedding gifts, it is not how much we spent on the total package of the wedding ceremony or how much we will realize, it is not all about how many influential, creme de la creme and important personalities that present, marriage is not about how beautiful our wedding picture is, how beautiful the hall for the reception is or how talented the musician is, marriage is not about where we spent our honeymoon, marriage is not a Saturday thing, it is LIFETIME!

Some ladies are into marriage and are looking for a way out because they failed to understand the dynamics of marriage right from the beginning and failed to prepare for it psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and financially and when the reality of it (marriage) dawn on them, they either resolve to fighting, nagging, crying, depressed, separation, divorce or suicide.

Marriage is a REALITY, it is something REAL and TRUE, in marriage, their is not always a hidden place, their is nothing as real and factual like marriage because, it will reveal exactly how those in it are and who they are.

Before you say I do to that man, irrespective of who he is, his position, where you met, where he is from and who his parents are, I will advice you to think more than twice, reason with yourself and take your time to ask yourself some hard but true questions which nobody will not want to ask you because of your love for him.
Answer these questions with all sincerity:

Do I really love him? Can I tolerate him? Is it not because of my last relationship that make me settle for him? Is it not because I am getting old? Is it not because of his money, fame, achievement, our parents that I want to marry him? Is it not because my parents, siblings, friends, religious leaders said he will be good for me? Am I always feeling convenient, fulfilled, secure, happy whenever we are together? Is the 'baby' in me always leap for joy anytime I set my eyes on him?

Also, can I stand his mother? Can I stand his sisters? Will I be submissive to him? What will I do if he sleep with my sister, mother, friend or daughter? What will I do if he says I bring bad luck to his life? What will I do if I catch him in the act with my maid, his friend or my son on my matrimonial bed? What will I do if he steals, bed-wet, take hard drugs, kill someone or engage in armed robbery?

What will I do if he marry another woman after years into our marriage? What will I do if he doesn't have money to take care of me? What will I do if he was sack, or his business went down? What will I do when my ex keep pestering me to have an affir with him or begging me to come back? What will I do if he cannot satisfy me sexually? What will I do if I have a chance to commit adultery and he is not there? What will I do if he becomes jobless after few years into our marriage? What will I do if her mother still her much influence over his decision making? What will I do if he get drunk in the neighborhood? What will I do if my father in-law want to have affair with me? What will I do if he becomes sick to the point of death? What will I do if I hear that he cannot father a child again because of a serious sickness or accident?

With few of these personal questions answered correctly and sincerely, you have already prepared your mind for the worst and good to go!
One of my mentors use to say 'don't vouch for a man when he is still alive' because man can be tempted and can also fall into temptation.
Trust is a major factor in any successful marriage but at that, couples' must reserve a space in their hearts that he or she is also human that can be tempted and fall into temptation.

It is always hard for some ladies (women) to hear that their men actually commit one mistake or the other, no matter how terrible or minute, and most times this always affect the love they have for the man, so will quickly jump into conclusion and decide not to have anything to do with men again, while some will decide to also pay him back.

The three things I do advice ladies (women) to always do for their husbands or husbands-to-be is to:
1. Always pray for him
2. Always pray with him
3. Always pray for yourself.

Will you be able to do all these things for him?

Think about it before you say I do.

The Listening Ears Counseling Group
www.listeningears.net
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Listening-Ears-Counseling-Group

Before you propose to her!

A brother came for a session few days ago and when he came in, I knew he was up to something. During the conversation, he said, "sir, I will like to propose to my fiancee in few days time", I congratulate him and we shook hands.
Few minutes later, he said "sir, won't you say anything about my intention?" and I laughed, then I shared some few things with him.

Marriage is an everlasting project that is meant to outlive the couples' in it, infact, a successful marriage is the one that outlived the couple. It is a project that requires all your energy, zeal, concentration, love, attention, commitment, loyalty, patience, time and you must be sound and fit spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and financially.

As a man, before you propose to a lady, have you ever asked yourself some hard facts questions? Have you been plain and faithful to yourself by asking and answering some technical but true and logical questions? Have you appraise yourself psychologically, spiritually, emotionally and financially and you can give yourself a pass mark? Are you not been pushed or pressurise to get married?

Have you asked yourself some of these questions:

Do I really love her? Will I be able to live with her for the rest of my life? Will I be able to stand her weaknesses? Will I be able to forgive her if I discover she commit adultery with my friend, younger brother, elder brother, father, my Pastor, her boss, her ex, her friend's husband? Can I forgive her if she abuse my parents or beat them up? Can I forgive her if she abuse or curse me? What will I do if her sister seduce me? What will I do if her friends seduce me? What will be my reaction if she was raped in my presence? What will I do if she had an accident that makes her paralyse or deform? What will be my reaction if I discovered she is a witch? What will be my reaction if I heard she had aborted pregnancy for my father, my brothers or friends? What will be my reaction if she open up to me that our first born is not mine? What will be my reaction if she steals, fight, bed-wet, gossip or cannot cook? What will I do if she confess to me that she had
aborted pregnancy for her father before? What will I do if I discover that she is a lesbian or hermaphrodite? Will I be able to stand by her if I discover she will not be able to give birth? Will I still love her if she give birth to five, six, seven girls? Can I vouch for myself that I will not cheat on her for any reason? Can I make her happy always?

Also, can I stand a pregnant woman? Will I be comfortable with her during pregnancy? Won't I be feeling irritated during her trimesters? Will I be strong enough to be patient with her when she will become too heavy and can't do much? Can I stand the cry of a baby in the midnight? Will I be able to stand her new physique after delivery? Will I be able to change diaper for my baby, pet my baby to sleep? Can I help her with some domestic chore?

Also, can I pray for her even when we are fighting? Can I support her dreams and visions? Won't I be intimidated if she is successful than me? Can I help her parents, siblings and relatives? Can I take her parents and siblings as mine? Can I live in peace with for the rest of my life?

Marriage is not all about how much I have in my bank account, it is more than how many houses I have or my status in the society. Marriage is more than having sex and bearing children, "marriage is not meant for boys, but men".

Have you think about all these before saying "I want to marry you?"


The Listening Ears Counseling Group

www.listeningears.net



https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Listening-Ears-Counseling-Group/

Living in Peace in Marriage

No marriage is perfect, what couples' need is understanding, faithfulness, trust, maturity, tolerance, prayer and love. Though there are many couples' that know all these things and are conscious of it, yet their marriages are not perfect.

Many couples' actually prepared for marriage, they attended counseling sessions in churches, marriage lectures from friends, families, colleagues and parents. Some even make use of couples' around them as a case study and some also went as far as buying books, CDs, DVDs and other materials about marriage.

Despite all these preparations, few years to the marriage, they start having issues, and these are same issues they've heard or read about even before coming into marriage.

Marriage is the best thing that can ever happen to a man (and woman) in life and also, it is the most deadliest and 'easy-way-to-die' channel that can ever happen to man (and woman) this is because, marriage is dynamics.
Marriage is like a car, the drivers are the couples' and it is the way and manner they handle and take care of their marriage (car), that will dictate how good and parfect the condition of the marriage (car) will be.

Marriage is a 'FACT', a 'REALITY' and 'LIFE', it is the man and woman in it that dictate the rythm, pace, structure and every other activities that is attached to it, either good or bad.

This is where the individual characters comes in. Individual characters and personal philosophy about life have a major role to play in maintaining a home, Couples' must understand that individual peace of mind matters a lot in marriage, then their will be little to worry about.
The couples' watchword as they embark on the journey of marriage should be 'I must make this union peaceful', having this thought at the back of their minds, the two will not be self centred, will not engage in any activities that will halt the peace of the union because if the husband should be in peace with himself, the wife will surelly be at peace and it is vice versa. A man that is not in peace with himself cannot be in peace with anybody around him,

Therefore, before going into marriage, think about it very well and make sure 'all' your activities will make 'YOU' be in peace personally, then you can think of how to live in peace with your spouce.

The Listening Ears Counseling Group
www.listeningears.net.

Is she happy under your roof?

I was brought up in a family where respect is held in high esteem, you must respect everybody around you for who they are and their opinion, you must respect those that are older than you even if it is by a day.

Growing up with such mentality makes it easier for me to respect everybody that comes my way, irrespective of age, sex, tribe, color, race, religion, educational qualification, social status and so on.

But of recent, when I began the counseling job officially, I have discovered that women should be respected in an extra ordinary way, especially the married ones (others too must be respected irrespective of their age).

I discovered that married women are fighting a lot of issues that makes their mood change very often and men are not always patient enough to understand them, thereby calling them names and disrespecting them.

For women to start a relationship and end up in marriage, a lot of things must have gone behind the man (behind the scenes) like parents and siblings dissatisfaction about the man in question, friends dissatisfaction, ex resurfacing, religious/faith incompatibility, tribe, educational qualification, family status and influence and so on. The lady must have passed through a lot without allowing the 'husband to be' to know much about them.

Going into marriage, she will always want to please the husband, her inlaws, husband friends and relatives and at the same time thinking about how to prove all those that are waiting for her doom in marriage wrong that she is in it for good.
She will think about how to conceive and become a mother (as if she is God), if the pregnancy stays, she will be anxious to finish the nine months course, fighting against miscarriage, she have to deal with all the trimesters all alone.
If the pregnancy is not staying, she begin to run helter-skelter, from spiritual to physicians, most of which husbands don't know. She'll start fighting against pressure from the inlaws, her parents, friends, colleagues, neighbours, husband (some that are not considerate) and personal anxiety.

Few months to delivery, she'll start thinking of how to prepare for the baby, the upbringing, how to train the child and how to secure a better future for the child. She'll think about how to manage and stand in for the husband if resources are not enough.

If she is a career woman, she will have to deal with the home front, satisfying the husband in all ramification, taking good care of the child(ren), balancing her relationship with her inlaws and trying to be in line so as not to be in their black book, dealing with boss at work, trying to study further so as to keep moving career wise, so as not to remain stagnant, dealing with intimidations and competition among colleagues.

When the children are growing, she start thinking about how to cope with the maturity stage (which is the most complex stage), the puberty, the curiosity of the teenagers to know more and the request for freedom, she'll balance all these with spiritual activities, just to make sure things are on the track.

She will fight and guide against the 'Unknown' woman who is taking all the attention of her husband, have to balanve it with the home front.

What about the pains that comes with the menstration? What about the memories of the man that took advantage of her because she was innocent? What about the memories of her first love that broke her heart? What about her friend that went at the back to snatch her husband/boy friend? What about those that have been fighting against the memories of incest, where their fathers use to have sex with them? What of the memories of the first abortion? The memories of the first sex? The memories of the teacher, uncle, nephew, neighbor, Pastor, Daddy's friend, brother's friend, friend's brothers that took advantage of her and those people are still walking without justice?

It is a pity that some men will still take their woman for granted, abuse them (physically and verbally), molest them, ridicule them, hate them, beat them and some even killed them despite all these they are fighting against. Some men are who they are today because of the impacts of their wives', some men are driving the car that was bought by their wives', some are spending lavishly on girlfriends with the money that belongs to the wife, some are making use of the connections of their wives to brag about in the society, some are sleeping in a house that was built by their wives' or rented by the woman, some men don't know the name of the school their child(ren) attend, some men don't know how much is the school fees, some men don't know how much is UTME form or when it is even out, some men are not care about the upbringing of their children educationally, morally and spiritually, some are wearing the clotthes that was bought by their wives and eat the
food bought, prepared and make available by their wives'!

Why can't men make their wives happy? Why are men contributing to the emotional trauma their wives' are passing through? Why can't men love their wives' and make them happy under their roof? Why are men so self centred and greedy? Why are men so blind to reason and see that these women are fighting a lot of unseen and emotional wars that need someone to just be there for them? Why are men so insensitive to know when their wives' are passing through a phase and instead of lending a helping hand, they contribute to the woes?

Why! why!! why!!!

Make sure you do all you can to make her happy, she needs you more than anybody, she believe her joy peace and rest of mind will be with you when she decided to marry you, she believed you can love her and understand her more than her father and brothers, she believe you alone can provide the shoulders she can lean on, she so much believe in you.

Please reciprocate that love today and respect her!

The Listening Ears Counseling Group
www.listeningears.net

Every feelings that leads to temptation starts from the mind as said in the first part, now to counter such irrational feelings before they becomes temptation, one must understand that, for the thought to have come out from the mind, man have every right and opportunity to say NO or YES to it, but that depends on the conscious alertness of individuals.

For example, a master that suddenly begin to have some unusual feelings toward his house maid, maybe because he saw her breast or hips and start fantasizing, can immediately discard the feelings/thought and said to himself, No, I won't do such and begin to reason in this line "How will my wife feel if she hear this"?, "How will my children feel if they hear that I am having sex with the house maid"? How will my friends, colleagues, relatives, religious leaders, neighbors, media, the general public and even God feel if I do such thing?
If she get pregnant, will I marry her? Or I will give her money for abortion, if she go for abortion and die, what will I say? If she refuse to go for abortion and she give birth, will I deny the child? Am I ready for polygamy? Before the personal self assessment is over, the man will discover that it does not worth it.

This is not limited to molestation and rape alone, it is the same thing to all other forms of temptation

Also, we should know that this is Africa and we cannot rule out the manipulations of the evil forces to manipulate someone to misbehave, the Yoruba's called it (asasi/eedi), when the victim discovered that the warfare is not physical, he too can go for special deliverance prayer and watch his/her steps, such persons should remember that 'One cannot keep hovering on his/her weakness and believe he/she will not fall into it.

THESE ARE SOME OF THE OUTCOME OF TEMPTATION, IF CARRIED OUT.
- Temptation makes people loose focus and concentration
- It ridicules and bring shame
- It takes glory of God away from someone
- It leads to hatred of oneself and also, guilt
- It leads to great enmity between family, friends and relatives.
- It leads to assassination, suicide and murder
- It leads to depression which also kills

To learn more about temptation and how to guide against or overcome it, send an sms to 08122692387, 08146406728 or e-mail: counsel@listeningears.net

www.listeningears.net

It sadden my heart whenever I heard cases of rape especially of minors from adult that are older enough to be their fathers.

The culprits are always claiming to be under the influence of the evil spirit and usually conclude that they are being 'TEMPTED' to do so.
I now ask, what is this temptation, because, if we fail to understand what this temptation is, it might lead some of these psychos towards our wives, daughters, sisters, relatives and female friends. It is this same TEMPTATION that make some fathers to be having sexual intercourse with their daughters, a girl they fathered, a girl they christened, a girl that grew up under their roof as a toddler, who start learning words and how to construct sentences right under their very nose, how come they are being tempted to have sex with such a girl? What of brothers that rape their sisters, cousins, uncles, nephews, in-laws, street brothers, choir master, pastors, teachers, neighbours,family friends and the list is endless.

Temptation start with 'just' a feelings towards something but most of the time, it is something unusual, something irrational and something very ridiculous that will result to shame and ridicule, it will make someone to loose pride, integrity and respect.

The feelings will usually come to mind as an advice, the feelings will portray the picture of the act and suggest reasons why it must be carried out, it will also suggest strategies to be used for execution and at the same time, suggest what to say or do as an excuse if at all the 'secret' was reveled or if the plan did not go as planned.

This feelings is not limited to rapist or those that commit incest alone, it is the same feelings for taking hard drugs, stealing, kidnapping, lesbianism, homosexual, suicide, assasination, fornication, adultery, money rituals, taking bribe and inflating prices, the feelings is the same.

This feelings will metamorphose into 'TEMPTATION' if it is allowed to stay on the inside of the heart for too long. Once the feelings is being attended to and it is being giving much attention and second thought, it will surely develop fully into temptation and it will keep suggesting more and more important reasons why it must be carried out. When the feelings is allowed to continue like that, it will now portray the 'act' as a 'right' or something 'necessary' or 'important' that 'MUST' be achieved by 'ALL' means. The more the feelings keeps growing, the more the opportunity of carrying out the act will be opening.

Therefore, we should know that temptation is not what happens in a day or two, it might have been on the mind for months or years before it will be fully manifested.

To handle these unusual feelings, we must all understand that it originates from the mind 'ONLY' as a 'FEELINGS' and a 'SUGGESTION' and it 'CAN' only become a 'TEMPTATION' if the feelings is being nurtured and allowed to grow.

It is natural to have this unusual feelings to steal, fornicate, commit adultery (fling), commit suicide, assassinate, take bribe, inflate price, commit incest, rape and every other feelings you can think of, but the consciousness of the individual and the ability to control the mind will determine if the feelings will scale through to become a temptation. If the feelings is discard immediately at the inception with concrete reasons why one must not give in, even without anybody giving the advice, then, the probability of falling into the temptation will be minimal.

(To be continue)
08122692387, 08146406728

www.listeningears.net

Cheating on your spouse for 'ANY' reason will not bring that joy, peace, happiness, achievement or accomplishment you so much desire.

For you to love someone is to agree and allow the special part of you to live with him/her, and that part of you that lives with your spouse is like a container with a cover, it is what we called love, in it is where your peace, joy, happiness, fulfillment, and rest of mind is.

No matter what the 'strange' man or woman will be giving you, they will only last for few hours or probably few days or months, but they can not last forever.

That is why people cheating still hold on to their spouses despite the 'silly act' because one of the special and sensitive part of them is still with their spouse and that is why we need to understand the fact that marriage is not a child's play, even, it is not an adult's play for an immature adult.

What are you looking for in another man or woman that make you cheat on your spouce? Sex, money, attention, contacts, contracts, connections, wealth, fulfillments and so on.

The fact remains, you are just being 'Selfish', 'Self centred' and 'ingrate'.

No matter what the offence of your spouse is, must you go as far as ridiculing yourself and your image (if you have)? Must you trade your dignity and pride for material things? Must you drag the name of your parents, the future of your child/ren and that of your spouse into the mud because of your own special dirty ambition and interest? Must you disgrace yourself and tarnish your image because of 'things' that will perish?

Always remember that cheating on your spouse is not a yardstick to have joy, peace, payback, rest of mind or attention, it is the beginning of shame, guilt, ridicule, agony and sorrow.

If you are a married man or woman, you must understand the fact that your spouse can never be complete and perfect and for you to have agreed to marry him/her in the presence of God and man, that means, you have agreed and decided to take him/her for who s/he is, the strength and weakness.

Marriage is not a joke, it is a 'REALITY' and you must face it with all seriousness, attention, focus and love. It is an institution where you must learn how to 'pray for him/her', 'pray with him/her' and determine to make it 'work'.
Marriage will NOT work if the two in it never put in their strength and zeal.

Instead of going so low to the extent of cheating on your spouse, why not be of help by working on his/her weaknesses and pray towards it, believe in God who created him/her and who was a witness on the day of your wedding ceremony.

Cheating on your spouse will NEVER give you joy, it will never give you peace, it will never give you the attention you want, it will never make you fulfill, it will not help you to be focus, rather, it will make you hate yourself the more, it will make you suffer from guilt and make you sick emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Help your spouse so as to help yourself. God be with you.

www.listeningears.net

Cheating on your spouse for 'ANY' reason will not bring that joy, peace, happiness, achievement or accomplishment you so much desire.

For you to love someone is to agree and allow the special part of you to live with him/her, and that part of you that lives with your spouse is like a container with a cover, it is what we called love, in it is where your peace, joy, happiness, fulfillment, and rest of mind is.

No matter what the 'strange' man or woman will be giving you, they will only last for few hours or probably few days or months, but they can not last forever.

That is why people cheating still hold on to their spouses despite the 'silly act' because one of the special and sensitive part of them is still with their spouse and that is why we need to understand the fact that marriage is not a child's play, even, it is not an adult's play for an immature adult.

What are you looking for in another man or woman that make you cheat on your spouce? Sex, money, attention, contacts, contracts, connections, wealth, fulfillments and so on.

The fact remains, you are just being 'Selfish', 'Self centred' and 'ingrate'.

No matter what the offence of your spouse is, must you go as far as ridiculing yourself and your image (if you have)? Must you trade your dignity and pride for material things? Must you drag the name of your parents, the future of your child/ren and that of your spouse into the mud because of your own special dirty ambition and interest? Must you disgrace yourself and tarnish your image because of 'things' that will perish?

Always remember that cheating on your spouse is not a yardstick to have joy, peace, payback, rest of mind or attention, it is the beginning of shame, guilt, ridicule, agony and sorrow.

If you are a married man or woman, you must understand the fact that your spouse can never be complete and perfect and for you to have agreed to marry him/her in the presence of God and man, that means, you have agreed and decided to take him/her for who s/he is, the strength and weakness.

Marriage is not a joke, it is a 'REALITY' and you must face it with all seriousness, attention, focus and love. It is an institution where you must learn how to 'pray for him/her', 'pray with him/her' and determine to make it 'work'.
Marriage will NOT work if the two in it never put in their strength and zeal.

Instead of going so low to the extent of cheating on your spouse, why not be of help by working on his/her weaknesses and pray towards it, believe in God who created him/her and who was a witness on the day of your wedding ceremony.

Cheating on your spouse will NEVER give you joy, it will never give you peace, it will never give you the attention you want, it will never make you fulfill, it will not help you to be focus, rather, it will make you hate yourself the more, it will make you suffer from guilt and make you sick emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Help your spouse so as to help yourself. God be with you.

www.listeningears.net

At a point in every human life, we will want to love & be loved but who we choose will surelly determine if we are starting a journey of emotional trauma or emotional freedom.

As a lady, you are looking for a man who is the best, who will love you for who you are, who will bring out the best in you, who will make you a complete woman, a mother, someone who you can share your vision and future with, someone who you will spend the rest of your life with, a man that will love you more than your father and your brothers, someone you can share some private things with, private issues that you can not share with your father and brothers, someone who is special and stand out in all ramification of life, someone who will work on your weaknesses and turn the to your greatest asset, someone who be there to pray for you and pray with you,, someone who will take your parents as his own and your siblings as his, someone who will never be scared of your success or achivement, someone who will be the driven force to your greatness You are looking for a man that will be called your 'HUSBAND'!

As a man, you are looking for a woman who will understand who you are, who will share with you, your pains, your joy and your success, someone who will believe in your future and contribute to your greatness, someone who will stand in as your mother, who will guide, scold and protect you, someone who will take your parents as her own and your siblings as hers, someone who you can share your private life with, your secret, your good, your bad, your ugly, someone who will always be on her knee to pray for you and pray with you, someone who will stand in for you even when you misbehave, someone you can share your love with, who control your emotion, someone you will share what you cannot share with your mother and sisters with, someone who will be the mothers of your children, someone who will make the office of your 'Mr' function, someone you can tell the whole world that 'she is my WIFE'.

Then why must you be in a rush? Why can't you takee your time and allow HE who created you choose for you? Why are you believing your sense of seeing, hearing and touching to dictate for you? Why not allow your inner man tell you the right thing?

Think twice before committing yourself to someone, marriage is not a 'Saturday thing, it's a LIFETIME contract' !
www.listeningears.net

This is a question pushed forward by a young man I met sometimes last year and the question keeps coming to my mind almost everyday. Really, can we be free from worries at all?

Looking at it naturally, man will always seek for more and will always do almost everything to achieve their aims and goals, either right or wrong, either good or bad.

The quest to have more, to know more, to acquire more, to be more popular, to have more power and fame ranging from material things such as money, wealth, wears, cars, house, land, sophisticated technology devices, holiday abroad, gold and precious stones to mention but few and also the spiritual and emotional wants such as power, authority, fame, love, control and having relationship and affairs with the 'most beautiful' and 'most handsome and influential' in the society. All these are part of the unnecessary worries man have put himself into.

Also, unemployment, debt, accident, trauma, molestation, abuse, addiction, drug abuse, rejection, failure, rape, physical and emotional injuries, hopelessness, helplessness, unloved, poverty, barrenness, loss of a loved one or separation from a loved one and low self esteem are the emotional worries that one need to face at a point in time of ones life, either we like it or not.

It is so obvious that we all have worries, irrespective of our position, fame, social status, religion, sex, tribe, culture, educational status, age and school of thought, but the sadden story is that, very few individuals have actually planned ahead of each stages of worry in their lives, and this act have made them to surpass every form of worries and turn out to be a driven force for them to keep going, while those that have never prepared for it, find it difficult to cope and most times, it do go out of hand.

What many failed to understand is that we all have worries, but how mature we handle our worries will determine how mature we are both spiritually, emotionally and psychologically?

'The line between Thinking, worrying and depression is very thinner than a thread; it takes extra grace for someone not to cross the line'.

To worry over issues is natural, but when it is not done properly and maturely, it might lead to DEPRESSION and depression, if not handled very carefully and timely, can lead to death either by assassination, suicide or murder.

Talking to someone who cares, understand and feel the same way you feel when passing through the worrying period will go a long way in climbing the mountain of worries and makes you become who you are suppose to be through motivation, enlightenment, awareness, prayer, and counseling.

At The Listening Ears Counseling Group, we know what it means to have worries especially in this present generation and time of our dear country where the economic situation is not encouraging, where education, health, power, infrastructures, politics, security and even religion is nothing to write home about, we all need to worry, but sharing with someone who is capable of giving wise and healthy advice is the only way out so that the situation will not degenerate to depression.

At The Listening Ears Counseling Group, we create an atmosphere for the general public irrespective of who they are, tribe, sex, religion, status, age and background to express themselves and free from being depressed, we provide a shoulder where people can lean on and we create a forum where we can all share our experiences and learn from each other and go on with our lives, knowing fully that 'all factors that causes depression are just agents of our greatness. They are the hurdles we need to cross over before getting to the finishing lines'.