₦airaland Forum

SporaD8:
I like eccentric people - they help me work that part of my brain that's dormant due to the monotonous cycle of life!
@ Op, are you a winger?

I prefer being a striker like Suarez minus the biting part.

Bede2u:
There are many places in the global North where the sun doesn't come up in winter. So...?

Do you have a comprehension problem?

I have a confession: I’m a thinking addict.

It's not Nietzsche kind of thinking that reshapes the world.

No, my thinking specializes in the kind of “what if” questions that make people tilt their heads and ask if I’m okay. Like, what if the sun decided not to shine tomorrow?

Imagine you go to bed at 10 PM after a long day. You wake up at 6 AM, expecting the usual faint morning brightness, only to find that outside is darker than your ex's conscience.

You think maybe you woke up too early, but you check your phone, and it’s showing 6:05 AM. Hmm, okay. Maybe something is wrong with the weather.

By 7 AM, you have bathed, eaten, and thinking about how to deal with the day's traffic. But outside is still 1 AM black.

This continues throughout the day.

Everywhere is dark. Generators are humming louder than ever because nobody understands what’s going on. Then, the next day, the sun decides to stroll back in, shining like nothing happened. Can you imagine?

See, I don’t know much about the sun except that it can swallow over 1 million Earths, and it plans to scatter everything about 5 billion years from now.

But this sudden “off day” feels like what a Nigerian government worker would do after collecting December's salary, just vanish.

But what happens in the meantime?

First up: the religious ones.

You already know. By 10 AM, WhatsApp would be a battlefield of forwarded messages, talking about how the world is ending.

They will quote Bible verses you’ve never heard before, with voice notes shouting “REPENT!” And when you don’t reply, they will follow up with: “Have you seen the signs of the end times, my brother/sister?”

One obscure prophet will go viral for saying there is an "Anti-Joshua" somewhere responsible for this mishap.

You can’t even blame them. It’s 1 PM, and the sun is, well, missing as if it's a pin. I may probably just start confessing my sins as well.

Next up are the atheists.

I have no idea what these guys will be cooking in their coven. this time around.

But they will probably say something like, “The sun is just tired; let it rest small.”

They will be forming calm and logical, even when the rest of us are already calculating how to reach heaven's gate.

You know them. I know them. But let's just leave them to their explanation.

Then, the scientists.

People who back up their claims with evidence, and where they can't, they simply invent an imaginary number to balance things.

They will come out with their laptops and glasses, speaking big grammar. They will bring up all the quantum physics theory to explain why the sun decided to ghost us.

But they know they can’t say it’s an eclipse. We have all seen an eclipse before, and this isn’t it.

They can’t say the sun disappeared from the solar system either. Or how will you explain the fact that gravity is still working, and we are not floating around like balloons? Except you want Einstein to be rolling in his grave.

Even if they try to drag one historical event like the New England Dark Day of 1780, we will just remind them: *“My friend, this is not America o. There are no forest fires here”

Let’s be honest...

If the sun takes a day off, Nigerians will simply make a joke out of it.

Before you know it, someone will organize a vigil to “pray the sun back,” market women will increase the price of candles, and on Twitter, Instablog9ja will probably start the "Darkness, but for black ladies: Let's have it" thread. You can expect memes, skits, and funny voice recordings to follow.

In the end, I know this is just my overthinking doing overtime. Because this time of dystopian scenario will probably never happen. But really, what if?

I don’t have answers. I’m just here wasting useful time thinking about useless things. Hopefully, I don’t overthink my thinking.

purples25:
How are you sure the other girl wasn’t just lying to you about your girlfriend?

My mind no fit lie give me.

AllBlack:
This was my breaking point. I spilled my beer.

Guy..... You dey steady collect my accolade. Well done.

Bookhub:
This your story na non science fiction...

I go lie give you?

Urgent1Million:
You are a good story teller.
You should write a fiction book.

Working on it. The title is “How to get Urgent 1 million in your account”

seoxpert:
Nice one bro.

I thank God you said Nigerian girls.

I deal with women now, not girls.

And lastly, I deal only with only my wife and she's heaven on earth.

Some Nigerian women are good bro.

Congratulations!!!

One thing I know for sure is that in this school, whether you are in a serious relationship or just doing God when, everybody is somehow sleeping with each other.

Now, I have a girlfriend. If na only face, you go think say she be usher in Winners Chapel. But deep down? Only God knows.

Then, there’s my side-chick, Mercy (not her real name, before village people come for me). Mercy too has a boyfriend. I first saw her through a friend who posted her video on WhatsApp status. As per werey wey I be, I jokingly asked for her number. My friend said she’d ask Mercy for permission. Long story short, permission granted.

We started talking, and that’s when I found out she was from Ilorin. I tried to get her to visit me in my hostel, but this girl was more slippery than a catfish. She was always scared that someone would see her and report to her boyfriend. Fair enough, some secrets need shadows to survive.

Then, lockdown happened. Everybody traveled home, including Mercy. Since I had no business staying in school, I decided to waka to Ilorin too. I lodged in one hotel that smelled of cheap air freshener and told Mercy to come over.

And without hesitation, she was on bike already dodging the potholes on her way. No fear of a boyfriend this time.

One thing led to another after that Game of Thrones episode. You know how these things start. My fingers found their way between her thighs, and my mouth was busy exploring her chest.

But no penetration, because, in her words, "I don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend." I weak.

This MO (Method of Operation, for the uninitiated) continued for a while. Until one day, I finally hit the target. Maybe she had broken up by then, maybe not. I didn’t ask questions. As long as food enter belle, who am I to ask if the chef is married?

It was now 2023. We were supposed to meet at the hotel. As I was paying at the reception, Mercy arrived. Just as we were heading to the room, we heard loud moans from one of the rooms.

Now, normally, in a hotel, hearing moans isn’t news. But this one wasn’t normal. This was aggressive knocking. The type that makes you wonder if one person is trying to send the other to their ancestors.

The guy was exerting maximum force per Newton at maximum speed per second. I could easily guess their position from the slaps, claps, and shouts nearly loud enough to wake people in coma.

We got to our room. Mercy and I were about to start our ungodly activities when we realized there was no towel. So I sent her to the reception to get one.

She came back, we continued our twists and turns. At one point, she was riding me like a cowgirl when my phone rang, it was my girlfriend. She had traveled home to Ibadan for the Christmas break (or so she told me). She called to say she had arrived safely.

Minutes later, we had switched gears and were now in the TYT position when Mercy’s phone rang too. Guess who? Her boyfriend.

I paused. Not out of guilt, but because I needed her to receive the call properly before she would mistakenly moan "Baby, yes" and confuse the poor (judging from Mercy's ability to constantly ask for data subscription) boy.

After everything, we parted ways. She went home, I slept in the hostel.

Now, fast forward to 7 months later.

My "innocent-looking, holier-than-thou" girlfriend was celebrating her birthday. As a perfect gentleman, I posted her pictures on my WhatsApp status.

Five minutes later, Mercy replied:

"Wait, is this not the same girl that was leaving a hotel room that day in Ilorin?"

I froze like someone had just lost their life savings.

I asked her how she knew. She said it was the time she went to collect a towel from the receptionist that my girlfriend was leaving the hotel.

At first, I was angry. Then I remembered my own sins. "Who am I to judge? Let he who is without side-chick cast the first stone."

I didn’t confront my girlfriend. I wanted to catch her red-handed. But nothing happened. No suspicious movement until NYSC came knocking last November.

We both planned to work in the same state, but when she chose Kwara for no reasonable reason, I knew something was fishy. Why Kwara of all places?

I played along but secretly told the person processing my placement to forget about my own. When the postings came out, she got Kwara, I got Nasarawa. No wahala.

My plan is to start afresh in Nasarawa while playing my Okafor's law card on her in Ilorin. I know she’s still doing her thing because, funny enough, her PPA is in Ilorin.

But like we say on the street "We move" To where? I don't know. But we move regardless.

Bookhub:
Depending on how you consume porn and your libido,I watch porn a lot but I still know difference between real and fake,personally i cannot force another mans daughter to do what pornstars do its her choice to do so if she can,my porn role model is ROC the icon that guy can furk? His thrusts,his energy, his passion his just something else I wish I can knack like that guy.

I prefer not to talk.

LoneSoldier:
There is nothing wrong with pornography, I have so many collections of porn... I use it to masturbate when am hørny....

Stop being fed gibberish by useless pastors and prophetess of Christianity religion....

This one don masturbate out all his reading and comprehension skills.

Some say porn is dangerous because of some evil spirit wahala. Others say it drains "energy" like playing COD iPhones 6. (Sideeyes to the semen retention merchants).

Now, I don’t have the data to prove or disprove these claims, so maybe they’re right, or maybe they’re just looking for who to blame when things go south.

I say porn is dangerous for a different reason, one you’ll soon see.

But from a plain, logical view…

It’s reasonable to wonder what exactly possesses someone to strip completely naked, do things best left to biology textbooks, and broadcast it to millions of eyeballs.

Maybe it's drugs. Maybe it's psyche. I say, does it even matter?

Because here’s the dangerous thing…

Porn is Fake, Like WWE Stunts.

Yes. A real phallus is going in and out of all the available holes in a woman or other man.

But in front of a director, producer, lightman, and other Hollywoood-like shenanigans.

So if it's fake, what’s dangerous about it?

Well, at least WWE warns us: “Don't try this at home.”

Because those suplexes and smackdowns are performed by trained professionals who have probably signed their death warrant.

Maybe porn needs that kind of disclaimer.

Instead, what do we get? Sex enhancers and performance boosters ads are plastered everywhere in the videos.

And here’s the worst part...

People start expecting their partners to bend, twist, and acrobat their way through things best left to the imagination.

The ripple effect?

Beautiful relationships start to go sour like expired yogurt.

Imagine this...Your partner side-eyes you because, in a certain department, you’re looking like a Toyota Corolla, while the guy in that video has a whole trailer truck that defies anatomy dangling between his legs.

Forgetting that what they just saw was a combination of camera angles, prescription drugs, and some industry trade secret.

But that’s not even the worst part.

The Real Damage is Hard to Measure.

With smokers, you can check their lungs. With alcoholics, you can check their liver. With gamblers, you can check their heart, and maybe bank account if you need an empty room.

But porn?

It’s mostly psychological damage, quietly warping expectations, eroding self-esteem, and distorting reality.

Until one day, someone starts doing the unthinkable to meet up to standard, and that's when the physical damage begins.

Maybe if we stop throwing around abstract warnings like "It’s a sin" or “It will drain your destiny” and start focusing on the real, measurable dangers, we might finally get somewhere in tackling the porn pandemic.

Because at the end of the day, if you must watch something scripted, exaggerated, and wildly unrealistic, you’re better off sticking to WWE.

At least, they entertain without messing with your love life unless you plan to try the Superman punch on your partner.




Lalasticlala
nlfpmod
mynd44
Dominique

My First Day as the Pope

I bring you tidings of great joy: I’m officially the Pope. Don’t ask how it happened. Just know that God’s ways are not our ways. My first executive decision as the new Pope is simple: The Old Testament has to go.

Why, you ask? Well, let me not mince words.

it’s an embarrassment to the Christian faith.

I don't want future generations to ever hear or speak of it.

Where do I start from?

Is it Lot offering his daughters to strangers? Or Uzzah, who died for trying to help the Ark of God? What about Onan, let's not talk about him. Stories that make you dim your eyes and say "Wait a minute."

Even our pastors skip them during sermons.

Sunday school teachers pretend those stories don’t exist, and honest Bible readers quietly skip to Proverbs.

Speaking of Proverbs, I’ll keep that one. Everyone loves some wise quotes for their WhatsApp statuses. Psalms too, we need those prayer points. And Songs of Solomon will survive the massacre for obvious reasons. Love is powerful, better than wine after all.

But the rest will disappear.

Not like rapture, but something close. We’ll archive them somewhere in the deep web, next to Area 51 where light will never reach.

Now, I know some of you are already shouting, "But the Bible will become disjointed!"

No. The Bible will only become more disjointed. And If future generations ask, we will tell them not to question the Word of God.

And for the few that will eventually find out, I can assure you they will treat it the same way we treat the Book of Enoch.

If you observe, you will notice the God of the Old Testament and that of the New Testament are different.

Not like two different Gods, but like how Firstborns and Lastborns have different parents.

Maybe He repented, maybe He went for therapy, or maybe He just mellowed with age. Whatever the case, it’s the New Testament God we want.

So, final verdict: Old Testament, pack your load and go.

Anyone with an opposing view should step forward. I will probably send you to the guillotine. But at least, your opinion will be heard.


Lalasticlala
nlfpmod
mynd44
Dominique

yinchar:
The chances of anything from mouthaction is very minimal or simply none based on research excluding HSV

Finally, someone with sense.

chatinent:
See a doctor bro. Leave chemist and fake drugs.

Tell a doctor to see me.

IfyAwazie:
Very interesting... So, Who did you tell him to vote as president in 2023 abi you no make mistake for dawan.

One vote cannot change anything joor. Make everybody enjoy Tinubu. [right][/right]

DaddyCoool:
😅 Good one

A genie appeared to me in my dream. And before you start asking, no, he didn’t look like Will Smith in Aladdin. This one looked stressed, underpaid, and over it.

He said he'd grant me ONE wish, but I should forget anything related to money.

I wanted to argue because, let's be honest, if it's not money, what else is the problem? But I used wisdom. I told him, "Give me a time machine to go back in time."

"Granted," he said, like one overzealous NYSC official. "What year are you looking at?"

"2015."

He paused and gave me some T&Cs: "You have only five minutes there, no talking to anyone, and if you dare to greet somebody, you will be stuck there forever."

"Yes, boss," I said with the humility of someone about to borrow money.

In a swoosh, I landed in 2015. Lo and behold, I saw my 2015 self, snoring on the bed, wasting time instead of buying Bitcoins.

See, 2015 is a personal year for me. First, that was the year my dad passed away. Second, that was the year I started running after a degree that would take me eight years to catch. But that one is a story for another day.

My five minutes had already started ticking. I looked around frantically. Pen and paper, where are you? I found one.

I quickly began to write:

Surprise! It’s you—well, me—your future self. No, time travel isn’t real yet. I had to use my one broke genie wish to get this message across. Anyway, read this like your destiny depends on it because it does.

Let me start with proof that it’s really me: you picked your course because of STAR Labs from The Flash. Yes, we both thought we’d become tech geniuses and casually save the world. Spoiler alert: life had other plans.

1. Change your school as soon as possible.

The one you're about to apply to will waste your time. The school will treat your academic life like DSTV on a stormy day. You may stick to the same degree, although I must tell you the pay in the field isn't generous, and the day-to-day work is nothing like you're expecting. But the most important part is to finish that pre-degree program and transfer ASAP. The mission is to finish university by 2020, not 2023.

2. I'm not sure I should be telling you this, but Dad is going to die around May.

Yeah. Don't say "God forbid." The accident happened on Friday evening on his way from work, and he died by Monday morning. Don't worry, you won't drop out of school like those first sons do in Nollywood movies. Just brace yourself for impact. By the way, tell him you love him regularly; he won't be around for long.

3. This will sound insane, but Leicester City will win the Premier League next year.

I swear the genie didn't drug me (not sure he could afford to anyway). You need to place a bet on them. I know you're broke now, but I'm still broke in 2025, but wiser. That's why you have to do something.

The odds of them winning are 5,000 to 1. A ₦1 million investment—sorry, gamble—will return ₦5 billion. I'm doing the math for you because I know your head and calculations can sometimes be parallel lines.

The best part: buy Bitcoins with some of the returns. Hold the Bitcoin because BTC is going to hit $100,000 by late 2024. We're going to be rich, bro. And lest I forget, convert most of the winnings to dollars. The naira is almost worthless now.

4. I believe if you take my advice above, it's going to change the trajectory of our life in so many ways.

So let me drop this advice: I know you're shy. An introvert. And you'd rather talk to lions than ladies. But there's a girl in Ijebu Ode. Her name is Oyin (full name and details withheld for security purposes).

I met her in 2020 during the Covid time. She's my girlfriend now. But I want you to start dating her earlier than that, 2016 preferably. So please find a way to meet her. Trust me, she's going to like you.

5. About COVID:

It's just a viral disease that put the whole world in lockdown in 2020. Don't worry too much about it. You're already an introvert, so a few months of lockdown will have nothing on you. My best guess is that by then you should be quite rich. So don't screw things up by continuing to gamble. Take the exit as soon as possible. I've run out of time now. I can feel the force around me is strong.

And Whoosh, I'm back to 2025.

Feeling happy and elated. I asked him, "What's next?" and to my surprise, he replied, "You need to wire $100 to make the dream come true."

"Wait, what? I have been dreaming?" I screamed as I woke up to reality to face Nigeria again in hardcore mode, wondering what could have been.



Lalasticlala
nlfpmod
mynd44
Dominique

I have just finished devouring a plate of Eba and Efo Riro, chased it down with Active Chivita, and now my stomach feels as heavy as a pregnant man. But you know what they say, the stomach doesn’t stop the brain from working. I might be stuffed, but I can still stagger to my computer and conjure words together like witches in their coven.

Now, I have been reading a lot of Nietzsche lately, so I’m feeling a bit philosophical. Bear with me, okay?

It's about this whole debate about whether poor people are morally superior to rich people. You have heard the story before, right? The rich are the evil ones. They exploit others, hoard wealth, and pretty much use their money to fuel their villainous plans.

Meanwhile, the poor are the saints, morally pure, humble, and struggling just enough to be good people. They’re basically the epitome of virtue.

And then there is the Bible, which seems to back up this view—the camel and eye of the needle story.

It’s almost like society has decided that rich people are the on the expressway to Hell, and poor people, well, will inherit the kingdom of God, where there are mansions made of gold and roads made of crystal-clear glass.

But let’s be real for a second.

These are all more or less a bit of copium, isn’t it? A lullaby for the poor man to drown the noise of the screaming mosquitoes at night.

Let's say a genie suddenly appeared and offered to inflate his bank account like a balloon, I’m sure that same man would sign the dotted line without a second thought. Suddenly, morality would take a backseat to the shiny promise of wealth.

Now, this paradox doesn’t just apply to the rich and poor in terms of money. It extends to, well, pretty much everything.

Take the student who graduates with a 2:2, for instance. They can go on and on about how grade doesn’t matter, but deep down, they’re just wishing they could magically bump that grade up a notch. Fun Fact: It's better to have it, and not need it than to need it and not have it.

So, let me ask: can a rich man ever be morally superior?

That's like asking whether a surgeon with a knife is a murderer. The knife is just a tool, what matters is the person holding it.

Money is exactly the same. It’s neither good nor bad in itself; it’s just a tool that amplifies the character of the person who wields it.

If a morally corrupt person comes into money, guess what? They’re just going to bury their morals deeper than six feet. But a good person with wealth? maybe, we may never find out still I become one.




Lalasticlala
nlfpmod
mynd44
Dominique

Cana

MaxInDHouse:
The Bible answered that God created the earth for humans to live forever on it not that we live just for number of years grow old get sick and die. NO! We supposed to remain as youths forever enjoying life without end.

.

Imagine this: It's 2 AM, I was curled under my duvet scrolling through Twitter like there's no bill to pay. But amidst the sea of memes and funny clips, I saw the ultimate late-night question that jolted my brain: "Does God exist?"

So here we are, you and me, about to explore the debate that has kept philosophers up at night since we first looked at the stars.

You see, some people like my mother say God is real and He is shadow-marking all of us.

People like her are pointing at everything from quantum physics, human biology to my aunt's recovery from "village people attack," saying, "See? it’s God" They wake up every morning, look at the country, and think, "Wow, even in this economy, there is God"

But here's the thing…

Believing in God isn't just about explaining the unexplainable, you know.

I feel it's more about finding purpose in a world that often seems as chaotic as the Twitter dramas.

It's that warm, fuzzy feeling of thinking, "Maybe I'm not just here by accident after all" It's like having Pastor Adeboye as your personal life coach, always rooting for you, even when you're just trying to decide between cooking and buying item 7 for dinner.

On the other side, we have doubters AKA the atheists. You will see them in abundance on Twitter.

They're scratching their heads, looking at the state of the nation, and thinking, "If God's real, He needs to call an emergency meeting with Nigeria's guardian angels."

They see floods in Lagos, kidnappings in the news, and another season of Big Brother Naija and wonder, "Is this really part of a divine plan?

For these skeptics, the idea of relying on faith feels like trying to pay for boutique clothes with Monopoly money.

They are the ones in the back of the church raising their hand and asking, "But why?" to every sermon point.

And let us be honest, sometimes their questions make you wonder if they have a point. After all, if God is all-powerful, couldn't He just have destroyed the devil? At least, by now we will be in the garden of Eden, naked and playing with wild animals.

Well, In a minute, you will see why (maybe) all those troubles are happening.

Then there are the fence-sitters, these ones are thinking, "Maybe God exists, maybe not. I'm just trying to be a good person and hope for the best."

They're hedging their bets in the spiritual lottery, hoping they have bought tickets for Heaven.

These folks are the spiritual equivalent of that friend who refuses to pick a restaurant but vetoes all your suggestions. They are not sure about the big questions, but they are pretty certain that being kind is a good idea, just in case there's a CCTV recording all our actions.

But wait, there's more.

I had a classmate back then in secondary school, who thinks of himself as a science nerd and believe we are all just living in some advanced alien science experiment.

Imagine that. Those aliens are probably watching us like a channel on DSTV, eating their space popcorn and saying, "Chai These Naija people are more entertaining than any other channel”

If this theory is true, then maybe our whole existence is just some extraterrestrial kid's science fair project. In which case, I hope we are at least getting a good grade. Though, looking at the state of my bank account sometimes, we might just have A is for God, “B is for me” type of project supervisor.

And then there are those who say, "If God is real, why doesn't He solve all our problems?" The way I see it is that maybe God is up there thinking, "I gave you a brain, now use it"

Imagine expecting your membership at a fancy gym to automatically give abs. It doesn’t work that way. At some point, you have to do some sit-ups yourself.

This perspective makes me wonder…

What if life is less about having our problems solved for us, and more about growing through the process of solving them? Maybe God, if He exists, is less of a cosmic ATM and more of a gym trainer, watching us struggle with our spiritual burpees and saying, "No pain, no gain"

Here is what I actually find interesting.

What if this whole God debate is less about some bearded guy in the sky and more about us? You and I.

Think about it.

Let me ask you...

How does your view of God shape your life? Let's say if you believe in God, does it give you a sense of purpose like you are starring in your own epic movie? Or does it sometimes feel like pressure, like you're constantly being watched by a divine Instagram Live?

If you don't believe in God, does it make you feel more in control of your destiny? Or does it ever leave you feeling like a lone person in the vast, indifferent dust of the Sahara desert?

What’s more?

How much of what you believe is actually because of you, and how much is because of where and how you grew up?

If you were born in America instead of Nigeria, or in the time of our great-grandparents, would your views on God be completely different?

In the end, whether you believe or not, just try to be a good person.

Because if you reach the heaven gates and God asks, "Why should I let you in?" you can't just say, "Er... because I shared all those Facebook broadcasts with my five friends?"

So, you can choose to pick any side of the argument, but remember: if God is watching us, let's give Him a good show. And if He's not... well, at least we entertained ourselves. After all, life is too short (or too long) to not find humor in the big questions.

Who knows? Maybe God has a great sense of humor like me. Maybe that's why He created Nigerian politicians. Or maybe that's why I have the ability to ponder His existence this midnight instead of getting a good night's sleep like a sensible human being.

You know what? Keep questioning, keep laughing (keep it moderate before you end up in Aro), and keep being kind. Because whether we are a divine creation, an accident, or an alien science experiment, we are all in this together. And that, I believe, is worth staying awake for.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go contemplate the meaning of life... or maybe just watch some Purple Speedy videos. It's a tough choice at 3 AM.


Lalasticlala
nlfpmod
mynd44
Dominique

henrycourte:
Aviator https://aviators.ke/ is an innovative game that redefines online gaming with its simple yet engaging mechanics. The game keeps you on the edge of your seat as you decide when to cash out for maximum winnings. Its dynamic nature means no two rounds are the same, keeping the experience fresh and exciting. The clean design, real-time multiplayer feature, and competitive leaderboard make Aviator a standout choice for players who enjoy a mix of strategy and chance.

Fool

Silentgroper:
let's not forget the fact that you were a junkie

Groper??

femi4:
The part the useless king was praying for death. He was useless with all the stolen "long lives"

Lesson: When making a request, because of making an ambiguous one

Yeah. That part too. It skipped my mind when writing.

Buhari4dullard:
Cheap propaganda for the film

Shey Femi knows me ni?

Eromzi:
If it's horror movie cant me out of it. I love my sanity.

And you be man of the house o.

Aaaaarghmed:
me too,I dont waste my time on series.2 hrs movie and I am ok.

Just try and watch the first episode only.

I was on my own, minding my business, just strolling through the noisy streets of Twitter when suddenly, people started shouting about a film called "Seven Doors".

The hype was as if it was the next best thing after the sweet symphony of a credit alert, so of course, I had to check it out.

I dove into the Netflix ocean to find this movie. I said to myself, “What’s the worst that can happen? Either I give someone seven knocks after wasting my data, or I genuinely enjoy it.”

Spoiler alert: it was the latter.

So here are five quick things you might enjoy from Seven Doors, or maybe not.

1. The Music

Now, this might not be the best place to start, but let me tell you, the soundtrack in this film is pure agbalumo sweetness to the ear. Every note was sweet, like baby laughter, except of course at midnight. But the peak of it was the final music after the king defeated Esusu.

My emotional thermostat broke, and I'm considering they play that part when tell me to kiss the bride on my wedding day.

2. Horror? Let’s Talk About It.

See, I’m not one to run from horror movies, but let me warn you now Seven Doors is a part-time horror movie. If you don’t like the sight of blood spraying like fuel from a subsidized pump or accidents so brutal they will turn the screen of your TV to red, you might need moral support to watch this one.

But guess what? Every scene was necessary. No unnecessary kissing and pressing to make you start coughing when your parents walk in. Just solid storytelling with blood and tension here and there.

3. To Marry or Not to Marry.

Who will help me ask the king why marrying six wives was like asking him to donate a kidney? I thought the dream of every king was to have plenty wives and children, or did the memo change and nobody told me?

It took losing his child, half of his sanity, and most of his people for him to agree to marry six wives. Even at that, why was the king so bad at picking wives? How do you pack six problematic women into one big palace?

But the scriptwriters passed their message with this one. In fact, the lesson in there connected like KDB to Haaland, sharp and effective.

4. Cast.

Let’s give it up for the actors. Femi Adebayo (the king) might be bad at picking his wives, but his casting choices were a 10/10. Every actor brought their A-game. Everyone was a perfect fit for their role like a freshly ironed agbada.

The people of the world are saying that the actor who played Esusu deserves special recognition. I agree. But for me, Muyiwa Ademola (The Cubana chief priest of Ilaraland) was the GOAT. I had to rewind a couple of times to see him in action.

5. Erin Ijesa Nostalgia.

The opening scene of this series will hit differently if you’ve been to Erin Ijesa Waterfall. Seven women fell from the waterfall to their untimely deaths, their brains dashed like watermelon on concrete. (Remember, I told you about the horrors). But the waterfall itself reminded me of my last trip there almost three years ago.

And guess what? Erin Ijesa still looks exactly the same. No improvements, no upgrades, nothing. Imagine a prime tourist attraction in Nigeria wasting away like an abandoned JAMB result. But well, this is Nigeria.


What part of the movie did you enjoy most?

Adasun:
lols

As you don laugh, oya share make others laugh and learn too 😒

louken:
Very serious message passed in a funny way.
You said it well

Na my life story 😩

It's a cold evening. You have just returned from work, and as usual, you want to catch up with the latest news on Twitter.

As you are scrolling through, your eyes catch some figures, so you stop to check. Lo and behold, it is a tweet about how someone turned $7 into $50,000. They say it’s from some memecoins or Web3.

You know, or at least think, it’s a scam. The story is too familiar. You go on with your doomscrolling.

It wasn't long again before you see a similar screen. But this time, it’s your dream car (or a car that looks similar) that someone is tearing up on the TL with a caption like, “1 SOL and a dream.”

You press the brakes. You wonder how he made the money. And no surprise, it’s memecoin.

“What even are these memecoins?” you ponder and wonder. The last time you heard about coins was when your dad told you about them.

You dig for information like an aboki digging a borehole. But it isn’t long before you start seeing words like “degens,” “dexscreener,” “Pumpfun,” “Phantom,” “ape,” “HODL,” and then you realize the SOL they keep shouting is not actually your soul. It’s Solana, another Web3 currency.

But you think maybe this is your opportunity to change your life. After all, the salary from your 30 days of work is only enough to live for 14 days if you really stretch it.

“Let me try it,” you think, even though you know it’s most likely a scam, a sort of legal one.

You download Telegram, get the trading bot of your choice, and now you are all over Twitter looking for Contract Addresses to ape.

Your account is already funded with $5. At least if you can take that to $500, the weekend will go soft.

And then you make your first trade.

The first thing you notice is a -14.55% on your account. It looks like film trick, but you encourage yourself with the thought that it will pump.

Rather, it dumps further to -50.63%.

“I knew this was a scam,” you think to yourself. You quickly try to withdraw your remaining $2, but the bot is now telling you that you don’t have enough gas fee.

“Bleep you.” As if the bot cares.

But the next day, boys have aped another coin that did X30 on the timeline. And the fear of missing out (FOMO) enters you like an evil spirit.

You quickly fund your account with another $5 that should be your dinner money, hoping this could be it.

As soon as you buy the coin, the coin takes off...in reverse. Everything goes red as if someone somewhere was waiting for you to get in.

You start wondering if maybe it’s your village people in their red clothes that are behind your misery.

But in reality, it’s the dev of the coin that has used your $5 and that of thousands of others to buy a red Lambo.

And finally, instead of holding for your dear life, you are holding onto another loan app.

Because all you have left is your soul and debts, instead of 1 SOL and a dream like you were promised.



Lalasticlala
nlfpmod
mynd44
Dominique