₦airaland Forum

UyaiIncomparabl:
I feel highly insulted and attacked for having to drag my honourable people of Akwa Ibom into this.

I won't forgive you.

ec0malchemist:
lol, what a slander.


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Downey:
''I love seeing Real Madrid lose.
It's my daily medicine, weekly energy, monthly inspiration and my yearly motivation. That's the only reason i'm still alive. I was born to enyoy and love their failure''

JidennaJason:
I can't help but imagine how that would sound when you say it.

SirMichael1:
You sure say you okay?

Ishilove:
About two hours later, I felt pressed and wanted to urinate but I found the toilet occupied. I waited 20 minutes and went back, only to meet the toilet occupied again by another member of the staff. I was forced to cross to another section of the complex to use the public toilet.

As the day progressed and I noticed that the usually ebullient staff members were becoming increasingly subdued. Around 5pm (the office closes by 6pm) my stomach began to rumble, and to my chagrin, a watery fart escaped my genteel anus. I thought about visiting the toilet briefly and found it still occupied so I decided to hold my bowels until I got home. "At least I will be able to sit comfortably and do monitoring spirit on my Facebook and Whatsapp contacts," I mused.

By the time I left the office on my way back home, my stomach was very calm, but I was halfway into the journey when I had the first discomfiting signs of trouble.

**********

"Be calm, be calm", I urged my stomach, but it growled in response and my anus trembled in anticipation.

I was hemmed in between two men inside keke marwa, somewhere along Oniwaya road when i started feeling really shitty. Literally. I initially ignored it, but the urge to rip off my granny pants and let it really rip was getting stronger and stronger.

We were still crawling along on that perennially busy road when I knew there and then I would not make it without a bike. I MUST GET A BIKE, I thought wildly.

When I got down at Dopemu, I frantically searched for a bike but could not find any. It seems Taskforce had been abroad earlier in the day so all the bikes were keeping away for the time being.

It dawned on me then that I was headed for a very embarrassing 'accident'. I could feel the watery and hot waste products teasing the entrance of my anus as my stomach could no longer obey commands from my brain. I decided to walk gingerly to the Akowonjo bridge where I was certain to get a bike. By 'gingerly', I mean catwalk. Hold your breath, squeeze your ass tight and roll your hips. And walk.

I was gently catwalking to the bridge and praying to God when a congress of swaggering youngmen passed me. One of them, muscular and with a 16 pack abdomen turned and whistled. "Sweet mama, I like your style o", he leered.

Frustrated by my inability to get a bike, the shit threatening to embarrass my enemy not me, the lack of fast food restaurants in the vicinity (I would have dashed there to use their toilets) and by the general state of the nation, I turned in anger and snarled with more aggression than necessary "shut up your dirty mouth, you this small boy. You don't know your mate!"

Taken aback, the muscular dude slinked away in mortification.

Unfortunately for me, the energy I used in transferring my aggression to the boy loosened my bowels and I felt the first droplets of shit blooming over the back my pink granny pants.

"Oh nooooooooo, oh nooooooooooo!!!," I wailed. Abandoning all pretence at decorum, I dashed to the bank closest to me.

"Please sir, I need to use your toilet," I begged the security man.

"Madam the bank is closed," was the nonchalant reply.

"Please sir, this thing will disgrace me. Please I am begging you," I shamelessly pleaded, all the while feeling the hot shit flowing faster and faster. IT MUST NOT FLOW DOWN MY LEGS, i thought frantically.

"Please I am using God to beg you!" I wailed, and jacked up the man by his shirt, knocking his cap askew.

That was when the man knew I meant business. He extricated himself from my vice-like grip and gave me the toilet key.

I ran pell mell to the toilet, dropped my bag on the WC and let rip. The sound of my exploding ejections must have been heard at Alausa. By the time my spirit was calm and my eyes open to survey the extent of the damage, the toilet, bathroom mirror inclusive had been liberally anointed....

Suffice it to say, Blaise was sacked the next day. I heard the MD was screaming for his head from his scented, air conditioned toilet.

JidennaJason:
I can't help but imagine how that would sound when you say it.

MejiLoyon:
When you tell someone safe journey no be only by motor accidents. So many factors dey including this shit factor.

At least you see bank enter

My own worse
And it happened to Mejiloyon when I was in 200 level. Mom has always warned me from eating outside because I react to seasonings especially those white ones like Vedan and Ajinomoto. One Saturday near exam period owu don blow men we go chow party chow. I won't say the meal so I won't seem tribalistic. But on our way back na that time I know say khaki no be leather. My belle first do tiiiiiuuuuunnnnn with one small mess . I overlook am. I just see my guy deji just start to run. Just like that he start to run. Wetin dey worry this one? Before you know I don dey sweat. All my body sweat full am. God so good I don pass great Hall. The way I take enter bush. You think I'm relieved Abi. Nah. You see the anus has a way of loosening when you don dey near toilet. Before I say make I loose belt shit don pour. All my legs all my boxers everywhere shit. Time was 3 pm.
Fellow Nigerians. I clean my body ,throway the jeans come turn Tarzan. I didn't leave that bush till 12 or 1 am. Yes I trekked butt naked to the hostel. It was my guy wande that left a three quarter for me at the carpark. Wande if you're here you know who I am finally. 9 hours in the bush. Dodging people,doing nothing,got bitten by insects and stuffs. It was horrible. Na so we shit am..I mean see am

Ishilove:
We occasionally have need for a chef in our company, especially when the MD is around in the country. He is based in the UK, you see, and is only around about 3 to 4 times a year. During those times, the MD, who is a foodie, hosts a lot of parties and attends even more on an owambe level.

The last chef we had was fired for being a drunk, getting into a drunken fight with a fellow drunk and stabbing him on the bank when he turned to flee the brawl. Akwa Ibomites are known for their top notch culinary skills, however all the chefs we have hired from that area have an inordinate love for ogogoro. There was another who took one of the company vehicles, a 2006 Toyota Camry for a drunken jolly joy ride and crashed the vehicle somewhere around Berger. The cost of repairs was going to be deducted from his salary on a monthly basis, but the fellow unceremoniously stopped coming to work after a month. He was later spotted in traffic selling air fresheners.

All these unsavoury experiences with Akwa Ibomites made the company venture outside the shores of the country to far away Benin republic where a citizen of that country, a wiry, baby voiced and camel faced young man by the name of Blaise was hired to replace the lately sacked chef. He came highly recommended and we all had high hopes that we would no longer have embarrassing episodes caused by the regular intoxication of our Nigerian compatriots.

Blaise was put on probation, and the MD selected semo and egusi soup for his first food test.

Downey:
''I love seeing Real Madrid lose.
It's my daily medicine, weekly energy, monthly inspiration and my yearly motivation. That's the only reason i'm still alive. I was born to enyoy and love their failure''

Downey:
Yes ooo

Downey:
''I love seeing Real Madrid lose.
It's my daily medicine, weekly energy, monthly inspiration and my yearly motivation. That's the only reason i'm still alive. I was born to enyoy and love their failure''

SirMichael1:
I don't think so. A cursory look at your post and I realize that you spam threads with unrelated comment. Stop acting like a bot.

LMS1:
Really? Thinubu Must Be Proud Of You

sterlingD:
LWKMD.Seriously when the urge hooks one ,one becomes nervy and uncomfortable.and it can embarrass one if care is not taken.

Downey:
''I love seeing Real Madrid lose.
It's my daily medicine, weekly energy, monthly inspiration and my yearly motivation. That's the only reason i'm still alive. I was born to enyoy and love their failure''

Downey:
When l used football narrate my views don't get it twisted. Its a paradigm.

Ishilove:
We occasionally have need for a chef in our company, especially when the MD is around in the country. He is based in the UK, you see, and is only around about 3 to 4 times a year. During those times, the MD, who is a foodie, hosts a lot of parties and attends even more on an owambe level.

The last chef we had was fired for being a drunk, getting into a drunken fight with a fellow drunk and stabbing him on the bank when he turned to flee the brawl. Akwa Ibomites are known for their top notch culinary skills, however all the chefs we have hired from that area have an inordinate love for ogogoro. There was another who took one of the company vehicles, a 2006 Toyota Camry for a drunken jolly joy ride and crashed the vehicle somewhere around Berger. The cost of repairs was going to be deducted from his salary on a monthly basis, but the fellow unceremoniously stopped coming to work after a month. He was later spotted in traffic selling air fresheners.

All these unsavoury experiences with Akwa Ibomites made the company venture outside the shores of the country to far away Benin republic where a citizen of that country, a wiry, baby voiced and camel faced young man by the name of Blaise was hired to replace the lately sacked chef. He came highly recommended and we all had high hopes that we would no longer have embarrassing episodes caused by the regular intoxication of our Nigerian compatriots.

Blaise was put on probation, and the MD selected semo and egusi soup for his first food test.