₦airaland Forum

ashybabs:
ishilove had to issue a disclaimer

lol

we know its u

dalass:
Ishilove... Talk true

Na your story be this joor

Kingdavidoduse:
Shit happened to everyone

Ishilove:
I vehemently deny this charge. It is not me

kennykruzmason:
nice and I also feel the same way cos I love barca

Ishilove:
The staff were looking forward to enjoying a sumptuous meal of swallow on a hot weekday afternoon. It also meant we would save our lunch money as things, as we all know, have become very expensive.

Blaise brought the warmers to the admin office and everyone swooped on the food. The first thing I noticed was the semo was very soft and a bit sugary. The egusi also tasted...funny...

Wetin concern us? We forged on and finished the meal with finger licking relish. Our neighbour who sold provisions in the next office asked for a share and was able to arm twist the receptionist into bringing her a large portion.

About two hours later, I felt pressed and wanted to urinate but I found the toilet occupied. I waited 20 minutes and went back, only to meet the toilet occupied again by another member of the staff. I was forced to cross to another section of the complex to use the public toilet.

As the day progressed and I noticed that the usually ebullient staff members were becoming increasingly subdued. Around 5pm (the office closes by 6pm) my stomach began to rumble, and to my chagrin, a watery fart escaped my genteel anus. I thought about visiting the toilet briefly and found it still occupied so I decided to hold my bowels until I got home. "At least I will be able to sit comfortably and do monitoring spirit on my Facebook and Whatsapp contacts," I mused.

By the time I left the office on my way back home, my stomach was very calm, but I was halfway into the journey when I had the first discomfiting signs of trouble.

**********

"Be calm, be calm", I urged my stomach, but it growled in response and my anus trembled in anticipation.

I was hemmed in between two men inside keke marwa, somewhere along Oniwaya road when i started feeling really shitty. Literally. I initially ignored it, but the urge to rip off my granny pants and let it really rip was getting stronger and stronger.

We were still crawling along on that perennially busy road when I knew there and then I would not make it without a bike. I MUST GET A BIKE, I thought wildly.

When I got down at Dopemu, I frantically searched for a bike but could not find any. It seems Taskforce had been abroad earlier in the day so all the bikes were keeping away for the time being.

It dawned on me then that I was headed for a very embarrassing 'accident'. I could feel the watery and hot waste products teasing the entrance of my anus as my stomach could no longer obey commands from my brain. I decided to walk gingerly to the Akowonjo bridge where I was certain to get a bike. By 'gingerly', I mean catwalk. Hold your breath, squeeze your ass tight and roll your hips. And walk.

I was gently catwalking to the bridge and praying to God when a congress of swaggering youngmen passed me. One of them, muscular and with a 16 pack abdomen turned and whistled. "Sweet mama, I like your style o", he leered.

Frustrated by my inability to get a bike, the shit threatening to embarrass my enemy not me, the lack of fast food restaurants in the vicinity (I would have dashed there to use their toilets) and by the general state of the nation, I turned in anger and snarled with more aggression than necessary "shut up your dirty mouth, you this small boy. You don't know your mate!"

Taken aback, the muscular dude slinked away in mortification.

Unfortunately for me, the energy I used in transferring my aggression to the boy loosened my bowels and I felt the first droplets of shit blooming over the back my pink granny pants.

"Oh nooooooooo, oh nooooooooooo!!!," I wailed. Abandoning all pretence at decorum, I dashed to the bank closest to me.

"Please sir, I need to use your toilet," I begged the security man.

"Madam the bank is closed," was the nonchalant reply.

"Please sir, this thing will disgrace me. Please I am begging you," I shamelessly pleaded, all the while feeling the hot shit flowing faster and faster. IT MUST NOT FLOW DOWN MY LEGS, i thought frantically.

"Please I am using God to beg you!" I wailed, and jacked up the man by his shirt, knocking his cap askew.

That was when the man knew I meant business. He extricated himself from my vice-like grip and gave me the toilet key.

I ran pell mell to the toilet, dropped my bag on the WC and let rip. The sound of my exploding ejections must have been heard at Alausa. By the time my spirit was calm and my eyes open to survey the extent of the damage, the toilet, bathroom mirror inclusive had been liberally anointed....

I kuku off the pant, rinsed it in the wash hand basin and spent 20 minutes scrubbing the toilet stall (I have home training ). After cleaning, i packaged the now battered pant inside a black nylon and dropped inside the waste bin. Yep, I had to go commando the rest of the way home.

Suffice it to say, Blaise was sacked the next day. I heard the MD was screaming for his head from his scented, air conditioned toilet. Our greedy neighbour who does not see food and look away, branched two fast food restaurants before she got to her home in Illupeju. The rest of the staff all had their own tales of woe, but mine was just too humiliating to talk about.

We have gone back to Akwa Ibom.

******
Disclaimer:

This narration is 100% factual but did not happen to Ishilove.

OnyeOlokoro:
[s][/s]

MejiLoyon:
When you tell someone safe journey no be only by motor accidents. So many factors dey including this shit factor.

At least you see bank enter

My own worse
And it happened to Mejiloyon when I was in 200 level. Mom has always warned me from eating outside because I react to seasonings especially those white ones like Vedan and Ajinomoto. One Saturday near exam period owu don blow men we go chow party chow. I won't say the meal so I won't seem tribalistic. But on our way back na that time I know say khaki no be leather. My belle first do tiiiiiuuuuunnnnn with one small mess . I overlook am. I just see my guy deji just start to run. Just like that he start to run. Wetin dey worry this one? Before you know I don dey sweat. All my body sweat full am. God so good I don pass great Hall. The way I take enter bush. You think I'm relieved Abi. Nah. You see the anus has a way of loosening when you don dey near toilet. Before I say make I loose belt shit don pour. All my legs all my boxers everywhere shit. Time was 3 pm.
Fellow Nigerians. I clean my body ,throway the jeans come turn Tarzan. I didn't leave that bush till 12 or 1 am. Yes I trekked butt naked to the hostel. It was my guy wande that left a three quarter for me at the carpark. Wande if you're here you know who I am finally. 9 hours in the bush. Dodging people,doing nothing,got bitten by insects and stuffs. It was horrible. Na so we shit am..I mean see am

DrDax:
That was quite an experience!

Ishilove, long time.
Hope you're good?

mayberry1:
Mine happened in my 400l. I ate egusi soup that was prepared the previous night by a friend before going for 7am lecture the next day, I didn't know that was the beginning of the end for me.
Midway into the lecture, my tummy started rumbling, I sat with my click of friends I had to inform them my tummy was about messing with me and they all urged me to endure cause the lecturer was very strict. My tummy didn't give up, it kept tormenting me that I was forced to use my face to control my tummy and buttocks, whenever my tummy wants to release farts I'd squeeze my face so hard and tighten my anus little did I know the lecturer was taking note of my facial reaction. He walked up to my seat and asked with a loud voice " young lady, I've been noticing your facial reaction and all don't seem to be well" I told him "yes Sir, I'm having severe migraine " my friends burst into laughter. He beckoned on me to stand up and go to the pharmacy but I couldn't cause that would be the end of me(the poo would drop all over). I told him I'd be fine Sir, let me manage it.
I kept telling God that if he let's me stand up and get to the park, I don't mind defecating inside the taxi I'd glorify his name.
Just after the lecture, I held onto one of my friends like I was paralysed and she started leading me slowly out of the lecture hall unfortunately it got worst I couldn't bear it no longer, the poo was already dropping with every step I took and there was no bush or restroom close, I was forced to defecate in an open space. It wasn't long few of my course mates started passing there and was shocked to see me defecating in the open. I used leafs to clean my buttocks. I died 5 times that day.

willybaby:
ishilove deny means I did it, but won't admit o

ashybabs:
ishilove had to issue a disclaimer

lol

we know its u

ceeceeuwa:
You for follow those bush wey dey back of primary school enter Akindeko... Shitty experience! It Gat no respect for no one

Ishilove:
Lol. Seriously I am not the one. We had friends over at the house yesterday and her narration was hilarious so i decided to pen it down.

Ishilove:
DrDax darling, where have you been? It has been ages.
I'm doing great sir. How are you in your neck of the jungle?

Ishilove:
This is what I feared. It is not me.

mayberry1:
Mine happened in my 400l. I ate egusi soup that was prepared the previous night by a friend before going for 7am lecture the next day, I didn't know that was the beginning of the end for me.
Midway into the lecture, my tummy started rumbling, I sat with my click of friends I had to inform them my tummy was about messing with me and they all urged me to endure cause the lecturer was very strict. My tummy didn't give up, it kept tormenting me that I was forced to use my face to control my tummy and buttocks, whenever my tummy wants to release farts I'd squeeze my face so hard and tighten my anus little did I know the lecturer was taking note of my facial reaction. He walked up to my seat and asked with a loud voice " young lady, I've been noticing your facial reaction and all don't seem to be well" I told him "yes Sir, I'm having severe migraine " my friends burst into laughter. He beckoned on me to stand up and go to the pharmacy but I couldn't cause that would be the end of me(the poo would drop all over). I told him I'd be fine Sir, let me manage it.
I kept telling God that if he let's me stand up and get to the park, I don't mind defecating inside the taxi I'd glorify his name.
Just after the lecture, I held onto one of my friends like I was paralysed and she started leading me slowly out of the lecture hall unfortunately it got worst I couldn't bear it no longer, the poo was already dropping with every step I took and there was no bush or restroom close, I was forced to defecate in an open space. It wasn't long few of my course mates started passing there and was shocked to see me defecating in the open. I used leafs to clean my buttocks. I died 5 times that day.

Downey:
''I love seeing Real Madrid lose.
It's my daily medicine, weekly energy, monthly inspiration and my yearly motivation. That's the only reason i'm still alive. I was born to enyoy and love their failure''

MejiLoyon:
Na abiola I dey na. And Malu road that year worst. Na inside that thick bush I pass comot for jibowu extension. Bad day bro

OlawaleBammie:
But its injurious to ur health cus Madrid dont always lose

13 champions league title
34 laliga titles
19 copa del rey titles
4 club world cup
Unfigurable copa de espana and many more

Downey:
Don't take it personal...l never talk about football. I only used it to narrate my view on the trends. Its a paradigm. And l used it largely.

Downey:
''I love seeing Real Madrid lose.
It's my daily medicine, weekly energy, monthly inspiration and my yearly motivation. That's the only reason i'm still alive. I was born to enyoy and love their failure''