₦airaland Forum

Ishilove:
The staff were looking forward to enjoying a sumptuous meal of swallow on a hot weekday afternoon. It also meant we would save our lunch money as things, as we all know, have become very expensive.

Blaise brought the warmers to the admin office and everyone swooped on the food. The first thing I noticed was the semo was very soft and a bit sugary. The egusi also tasted...funny...

Wetin concern us? We forged on and finished the meal with finger licking relish. Our neighbour who sold provisions in the next office asked for a share and was able to arm twist the receptionist into bringing her a large portion.

About two hours later, I felt pressed and wanted to urinate but I found the toilet occupied. I waited 20 minutes and went back, only to meet the toilet occupied again by another member of the staff. I was forced to cross to another section of the complex to use the public toilet.

As the day progressed and I noticed that the usually ebullient staff members were becoming increasingly subdued. Around 5pm (the office closes by 6pm) my stomach began to rumble, and to my chagrin, a watery fart escaped my genteel anus. I thought about visiting the toilet briefly and found it still occupied so I decided to hold my bowels until I got home. "At least I will be able to sit comfortably and do monitoring spirit on my Facebook and Whatsapp contacts," I mused.

By the time I left the office on my way back home, my stomach was very calm, but I was halfway into the journey when I had the first discomfiting signs of trouble.

**********

"Be calm, be calm", I urged my stomach, but it growled in response and my anus trembled in anticipation.

I was hemmed in between two men inside keke marwa, somewhere along Oniwaya road when i started feeling really shitty. Literally. I initially ignored it, but the urge to rip off my granny pants and let it really rip was getting stronger and stronger.

We were still crawling along on that perennially busy road when I knew there and then I would not make it without a bike. I MUST GET A BIKE, I thought wildly.

When I got down at Dopemu, I frantically searched for a bike but could not find any. It seems Taskforce had been abroad earlier in the day so all the bikes were keeping away for the time being.

It dawned on me then that I was headed for a very embarrassing 'accident'. I could feel the watery and hot waste products teasing the entrance of my anus as my stomach could no longer obey commands from my brain. I decided to walk gingerly to the Akowonjo bridge where I was certain to get a bike. By 'gingerly', I mean catwalk. Hold your breath, squeeze your ass tight and roll your hips. And walk.

I was gently catwalking to the bridge and praying to God when a congress of swaggering youngmen passed me. One of them, muscular and with a 16 pack abdomen turned and whistled. "Sweet mama, I like your style o", he leered.

Frustrated by my inability to get a bike, the shit threatening to embarrass my enemy not me, the lack of fast food restaurants in the vicinity (I would have dashed there to use their toilets) and by the general state of the nation, I turned in anger and snarled with more aggression than necessary "shut up your dirty mouth, you this small boy. You don't know your mate!"

Taken aback, the muscular dude slinked away in mortification.

Unfortunately for me, the energy I used in transferring my aggression to the boy loosened my bowels and I felt the first droplets of shit blooming over the back my pink granny pants.

"Oh nooooooooo, oh nooooooooooo!!!," I wailed. Abandoning all pretence at decorum, I dashed to the bank closest to me.

"Please sir, I need to use your toilet," I begged the security man.

"Madam the bank is closed," was the nonchalant reply.

"Please sir, this thing will disgrace me. Please I am begging you," I shamelessly pleaded, all the while feeling the hot shit flowing faster and faster. IT MUST NOT FLOW DOWN MY LEGS, i thought frantically.

"Please I am using God to beg you!" I wailed, and jacked up the man by his shirt, knocking his cap askew.

That was when the man knew I meant business. He extricated himself from my vice-like grip and gave me the toilet key.

I ran pell mell to the toilet, dropped my bag on the WC and let rip. The sound of my exploding ejections must have been heard at Alausa. By the time my spirit was calm and my eyes open to survey the extent of the damage, the toilet, bathroom mirror inclusive had been liberally anointed....

I kuku off the pant, rinsed it in the wash hand basin and spent 20 minutes scrubbing the toilet stall (I have home training ). After cleaning, i packaged the now battered pant inside a black nylon and dropped inside the waste bin. Yep, I had to go commando the rest of the way home.

Suffice it to say, Blaise was sacked the next day. I heard the MD was screaming for his head from his scented, air conditioned toilet. Our greedy neighbour who does not see food and look away, branched two fast food restaurants before she got to her home in Illupeju. The rest of the staff all had their own tales of woe, but mine was just too humiliating to talk about.

We have gone back to Akwa Ibom.

******
Disclaimer:

This narration is 100% factual but did not happen to Ishilove.

Even though I knew from the start that this was pure fiction, I enjoyed every bit of it. Your writing skill is top-notch.

By the way, do you live in Akowonjo? I grew up there.

JidennaJason:
You are really a big tormentor to those zombies...

Good looking out to you.

Buhari is a curse!

Laugh want kill me

awoof dey run belle

Gandollaar:
Buhari was a Killjoy, is a Killjoy and would remain a Killjoy forever.

Imagine I heard Chelsea was doing well until buhari entered London.

LMAO

He should sha not enter Spain so Barca will not enter relegation.

Beze992:
LMAO
He should sha not enter Spain so Barca will not enter relegation.

Hahahaha

I think shitty experience is caused by the way Nigerians handle edible food.
I remembered Christmas day - the first thing my dad gave us was some tablet to avoid purging spree because after eating neighbors Christmas rice, you go shit tire. As a kid, i used to wonder why the purging after eating lovely rice
Once ate a plate of rice on the way to the airport. My mom asked me no to eat it as it was cold but i did anyway.
After boarding, that ruff ryder rumbling belly started....then fiam to the plane toilet back and forth, the air hostess just dey look as i fly pass her...their rule of sitting down no apply again...shit reach where i dey go.
Not so good shit relief experience

uboma:
Some years ago when traveling by road with 'Luxurious Buses' was the popular, I boarded one of the buses (won't say the name of the transport company), I managed to secure a seat beside the window. A pretty lady climbed aboard the bus and sat next to me. As the bus was preparing to hit the road, we were busy with buying snacks, bottles of water and soft drinks e.t.c

The lady asked that I buy a bottle of soft drink with some snacks for her, she paid, all I did was to collect the items from the vendor and passed on the money to them. Some hours into the journey (night journey), the lady became uneasy and whispered to me that she was pressed and needed to free up her bowels. I informed the Driver to pull up as someone is pressed, I got ignored. Had to inform him again, got same feedback. At this time, she was restless and crying. The Driver completely ignored me and told the passengers sitting close to him that I had plans to rob them by suggesting that he pulls up at the dead of night. I had to lock up.

After about an hour, the lady could not hold it anymore, had to do her thing right inside the bus. The smell greeted everyone in the bus. At this point, the Driver started to insult the passenger who defecated inside his bus and had to pull over. The lady rushed down the bus to the untared road to do her thing. Being a gentle man, I stepped out of the bus to offer her the bottle of water I had on me and some tissue paper which a woman in the bus offered.

I reminded the Driver that it was the same reason I asked him to pull over earlier. He apologized and reaffirmed his fears. The lady, full of shame boarded the bus when she was done. Throughout the trip, she pretended to be asleep till I arrived my destination. She begged to accompany me to my crib so she could 'freshen up'. I had no issues with her request. She spent two nights at my place and later left to her base.

Your last sentence sha.
Thank you for telling us that she was grateful in return. Sometimes, being a gentleman has its perquisites.

litigator:
Your last sentence sha.
Thank you for telling us that she was grateful in return. Sometimes, being a gentleman has its perquisites.

@words in bold, not what I meant, Sir.

She probably found my place cosy to delay her departure a bit.

One should always strive to be a gentleman whether there will be some benefits/rewards or not.

uboma:
@words in bold, not what I meant, Sir.

She probably found my place cosy to delay her departure a bit.

One should always strive to be a gentleman whether there will be some benefits/rewards or not.

[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]

A real fearless gentleman - shitty experience "one good turn deserves another"

uboma:
@words in bold, not what I meant, Sir.

She probably found my place cosy to delay her departure a bit.

One should always strive to be a gentleman whether there will be some benefits/rewards or not.

Ishilove:
The staff were looking forward to enjoying a sumptuous meal of swallow on a hot weekday afternoon. It also meant we would save our lunch money as things, as we all know, have become very expensive.

Blaise brought the warmers to the admin office and everyone swooped on the food. The first thing I noticed was the semo was very soft and a bit sugary. The egusi also tasted...funny...

Wetin concern us? We forged on and finished the meal with finger licking relish. Our neighbour who sold provisions in the next office asked for a share and was able to arm twist the receptionist into bringing her a large portion.

About two hours later, I felt pressed and wanted to urinate but I found the toilet occupied. I waited 20 minutes and went back, only to meet the toilet occupied again by another member of the staff. I was forced to cross to another section of the complex to use the public toilet.

As the day progressed and I noticed that the usually ebullient staff members were becoming increasingly subdued. Around 5pm (the office closes by 6pm) my stomach began to rumble, and to my chagrin, a watery fart escaped my genteel anus. I thought about visiting the toilet briefly and found it still occupied so I decided to hold my bowels until I got home. "At least I will be able to sit comfortably and do monitoring spirit on my Facebook and Whatsapp contacts," I mused.

By the time I left the office on my way back home, my stomach was very calm, but I was halfway into the journey when I had the first discomfiting signs of trouble.

**********

"Be calm, be calm", I urged my stomach, but it growled in response and my anus trembled in anticipation.

I was hemmed in between two men inside keke marwa, somewhere along Oniwaya road when i started feeling really shitty. Literally. I initially ignored it, but the urge to rip off my granny pants and let it really rip was getting stronger and stronger.

We were still crawling along on that perennially busy road when I knew there and then I would not make it without a bike. I MUST GET A BIKE, I thought wildly.

When I got down at Dopemu, I frantically searched for a bike but could not find any. It seems Taskforce had been abroad earlier in the day so all the bikes were keeping away for the time being.

It dawned on me then that I was headed for a very embarrassing 'accident'. I could feel the watery and hot waste products teasing the entrance of my anus as my stomach could no longer obey commands from my brain. I decided to walk gingerly to the Akowonjo bridge where I was certain to get a bike. By 'gingerly', I mean catwalk. Hold your breath, squeeze your ass tight and roll your hips. And walk.

I was gently catwalking to the bridge and praying to God when a congress of swaggering youngmen passed me. One of them, muscular and with a 16 pack abdomen turned and whistled. "Sweet mama, I like your style o", he leered.

Frustrated by my inability to get a bike, the shit threatening to embarrass my enemy not me, the lack of fast food restaurants in the vicinity (I would have dashed there to use their toilets) and by the general state of the nation, I turned in anger and snarled with more aggression than necessary "shut up your dirty mouth, you this small boy. You don't know your mate!"

Taken aback, the muscular dude slinked away in mortification.

Unfortunately for me, the energy I used in transferring my aggression to the boy loosened my bowels and I felt the first droplets of shit blooming over the back my pink granny pants.

"Oh nooooooooo, oh nooooooooooo!!!," I wailed. Abandoning all pretence at decorum, I dashed to the bank closest to me.

"Please sir, I need to use your toilet," I begged the security man.

"Madam the bank is closed," was the nonchalant reply.

"Please sir, this thing will disgrace me. Please I am begging you," I shamelessly pleaded, all the while feeling the hot shit flowing faster and faster. IT MUST NOT FLOW DOWN MY LEGS, i thought frantically.

"Please I am using God to beg you!" I wailed, and jacked up the man by his shirt, knocking his cap askew.

That was when the man knew I meant business. He extricated himself from my vice-like grip and gave me the toilet key.

I ran pell mell to the toilet, dropped my bag on the WC and let rip. The sound of my exploding ejections must have been heard at Alausa. By the time my spirit was calm and my eyes open to survey the extent of the damage, the toilet, bathroom mirror inclusive had been liberally anointed....

I kuku off the pant, rinsed it in the wash hand basin and spent 20 minutes scrubbing the toilet stall (I have home training ). After cleaning, i packaged the now battered pant inside a black nylon and dropped inside the waste bin. Yep, I had to go commando the rest of the way home.

Suffice it to say, Blaise was sacked the next day. I heard the MD was screaming for his head from his scented, air conditioned toilet. Our greedy neighbour who does not see food and look away, branched two fast food restaurants before she got to her home in Illupeju. The rest of the staff all had their own tales of woe, but mine was just too humiliating to talk about.

We have gone back to Akwa Ibom.

******
Disclaimer:

This narration is 100% factual but did not happen to Ishilove.

Oh lordy lord!!! This thing can be very embarrassing, reason why I do not make it out of my house without bitter kola.


In case there is ever a need for your MD to get a new chef, I am willing to offer my services. I am not an Efik, but my culinary skills is topnotch.