₦airaland Forum

lordm:
Good luck on your horrible life of loneliness and regrets

ukaface:
how can you say this? How is it horrible? She's made her decision. Why do you think it is horrible?
Y'all men think marriage is the desirable height for women, now one doesn't see marriage as important and the next thing you're saying is that it is horrible.

See ehn o.p, I understand your point and yeah, I feel kinda same here. I don't see marriage as a do or die thing. If you want a child you can get one, adoption is a welcomed option too. Do you, Do what will make you happy biko. Your life won't be horrible.

Poswahala:
Guys I genuinely need some advice
Because of the state of my mental health I have decided never to get married or have kids, I suffer from intense depression and anxiety and other mental health problems. I'm unsure of my own future talk more of a child.
I do love being in relationships but I do that only for companionship and sex.
I don't know if I will regret my decision. The guys I have dated have been cool with my no marriage proposal but I don't think any Nigerian man will not want kids.
I'm thinking of moving to another country, buy a house, take care of my community and neighbors then when I'm old, I will move to a retirement home.
If I change my mind I can adopt a child, am not against adoption as I am with marriage, it depends on if my mental health improves

The problem I have is that will I be lonely without a child, like I said I'm not into marriage despite being a woman trained in traditional home, it's not that I hate it or anything, it's not just for me. I will be unhappy being married.
But the child thing is bothering me, I always wanted a child, but i don't want my mental health to prevent me from loving and caring for the child.
Please advise

NeuroDivergent:
Hey Poswahala,

Let me first off apologise on behalf of the several ignorant responses you've gotten, some of which came from uncultured & ill-mannered people who have a predilection to project their miserable lives on others for no clear reason other than trying to infect others with the same bitterness eating them up.


These things aren't entirely out of place when you discuss personal issues on a forum where you have people with limited exposure trying to take the lead prize of the most caustic responses.


Anyway, it's not their sorrows I've come to dissect, but I plead that you pay no mind to them & uproot whatever bitter seed they've sown in your mind.


It's actually amazing that as a lady, you kind of know what you want and you're just on here trying to seek guidance & clarify your decisions.


Whether you go ahead with your decisions or get convinced along the line to do otherwise, the first thing to have in mind is that there are NO GUARANTEES.


You can make a decision of birthing a child and realize your child changes your world for the very best and attenuates the effects of your depressive symptoms.
Everyday, you see your child growing up to be a beautiful person, who loves you back and then takes care of you in old age.


It's also possible that during/after birth (or even pregnancy), the child suffers one or two complications that mars their lives forever — Subtly (learning disabilities, ASD, ADHD, Bipolar etc.) or Overtly (Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Down Syndrome etc.).

Or possibly even inherits your depressive gene and has to battle a life of disorder(s) despite the harsh realities of the world, making them a little more unfit than everyone else to survive & thrive.


What this will mean as a mother is that she has to cope now not only with personal, emotional & medical struggles, she also now has to cope with tending to a child she never wished to turn out the way they turned out.
Grooming infants usually require conscientiousness, but with these type of kids, she has to go extra miles...still with No Guarantees that they'll turn out fine.


What about the Shame & Stigma?
Even if her heart is iron-clad against such bullshit from ignorant people, will her child be immune too?


They grow up knowing they're fundamentally different and these are the things that form up their self confidence & self-perception into adulthood.


What if post-partum depression compounds your existing experience?


Even if the child turns out well, remember you always have to go a mile to ensure they don't suffer NEGLECT in any form or way and they're fully Understood, you have to make them know they can absolutely Confide In You and they should in no way Feel Awkward amongst their peers in a way to build up Insecurities.


One thing most people aren't well aware of is that, Humans are the toughest and most fragile beings to breed.
Our superior Consciousness is a CURSE.
A single action or inaction can overwrite/influence all of the efforts put into a child's upbringing.

(What all of these mean is that, you can do everything perfectly right and things can actually still go wrong... On no fault of your own.
...I'm no doom prophet, I'm just being realistic).


Going with your preset mindset too doesn't mean you're totally rid of problems or it wouldn't be your best decision.


As people have mentioned, there are times you'll be utterly lonely which may worsen your symptoms.

Friends may get married and have to deal with their responsibilities and you can't always club every night or have a slew of one night stands, it'd worsen things.


Connection regardless of our personalities or how we try to paint it is very crucial.


Luckily there are men who share your type of perspective.
If you're lucky to find a good one, agree on being Partners...
...if you're terribly scared of commitment and the possibility of not being able to live up to your wifely duties as a result of your health.


Adopting a child isn't also a perfect fool-proof decision as you'll have to deal with some usual child-grooming challenges and the possibility of the child eventually turning out fine as an adult.

But there's likely to be a feeling of fulfilment in saving a child from gloomy uncertainties (which the child may be grateful for when they become of age) instead of overpopulating the world on the premise of having your own seed/preserving your lineage (...in an already collapsing world).


Birthing or adopting children DOESN'T GUARANTEE you'll have someone tending to you in old age...

the child could get busy...
live in unfavourable conditions that may not give them the chance to...
live unpleasant lives that a parent wouldn't even be proud of...
hate their parent & have nothing to do with them...
or most devastatingly, die young
(a parent can't... & shouldn't totally rule out the possibilities of any of these happening).


Life is sadly the biggest paradox & there are (as I've said) NO GUARANTEES.


Whatever decisions you make, you have to own up & boldy live with the consequences.

That's why I'm helping you out with these perspectives.

What really matters is knowing yourself deeper & knowing the kind of consequences you can bear to live with.

{What's your personality...?
Are you an introvert/ambivert/extrovert?
Are you stoic or emotional?
Do you easily get burdened with things?
What are your sensitivities?
Do you have erratic commitments to things?
Are you naturally empathetic?
Have you ever helped take care of kids before? What was your perception?
What are your coping mechanisms when things get unbearable?
Ask yourself all the questions necessary to}.

Look out for the things that can make you regret whatever decision you're taking now in the next 15-40 years.

Map out strategies you can use to cope with the inconveniences that may crop up as a consequence of your decisions.


In all of these, always factor in the limitations of your health conditions.

You sound very financially independent, so it may be a little easier to coast through some of the consequences (NB : If you're going to be childfree, please don't be in Africa, except general perspectives changes).

Have you considered treatment for your health problems? Therapy? Psychoanalytic assessments? Prescriptions?

Are you aware that mental illnesses are chronic? they can only be managed but can not be cured?


So even though you get off an episode for a long time, it doesn't mean it can't/wouldn't pop later.

Are you aversed to pets?
If you're not, I strongly recommend you should get one to better know if you'll cope with having kids
(NB : One that aligns with who you're & is highly likely to be therapeutic).

You just may end up breeding pets for a lifetime if they're able to limit the effects of your symptoms.


PS : I'm just like you & these are the guides I use to make these kinda decisions.


Wish you good luck on your decisions.



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