₦airaland Forum

I saw this story on reddit and I want to know what you all think.
[b]AITA for refusing to meet my biological daughter ? (I gave up my parental rights years ago)
Many years ago, I was married to man named Mark. 2 years into the marriage, I found out he was cheating on me and got the other woman pregnant. It was a huge blow because I too was pregnant with his child. I was only 9 weeks pregnant and was determined to abort the child and divorce him. He begged me to reconsider, and insisted I give our relationship a second chance, and so I did, albeit reluctantly.

I had a very unhappy pregnancy and when I was 6 months pregnant, I learned that he never stopped seeing the other woman. He told me that he was torn and that he was in love with both of us. I wasn't willing to tolerate any of that bullshit, so I moved out and filed for divorce. I wanted him to disappear from my life, but being pregnant with his child made things difficult.

I never bonded with the baby , and the baby being his offspring contributed to the negative emotions that I felt.

I told him that I didn't want this baby. So when he got together with the other woman, I gave her the choice to adopt the baby, which she did. With that, I officially signed over my parental rights as soon as the girl turned 6 months old (I left the day she was born). When I left, I told Mark that I didn't want anything to do with the girl and the other woman was free to be her mother.

I moved to another country and tried to leave that part of my life behind. I met a wonderful man and we got married. He knew all about my past and now we have 3 wonderful kids who are 9, 5 and 2 years old.

Recently, my ex Mark contacted me out of the blue and told me that my biological daughter, who is 14 now, wants to meet me. Apparently, his wife had passed away and before she died, she confessed that she wasn't her biological mother.

I'm torn. I don't want to meet this kid. It was very difficult for me to leave that part of my life behind. I was depressed for years. I reminded him that I gave up my parental rights years ago and that I wanted nothing to do with both of them. I planned on telling my kids about their half sibling once they were grown and mentally mature, not right now when they are still so little. I told him to never contact me again and hanged up. [/b]
Cc Lalasticlala
Cc Mynd44
Cc RoyalRoy
Cc Freiburger

Hi, some points to consider before making your point.
1) The mum's need not to derail her family's present state.
2) The father is just trying to look out for his daughter
3) The daughter is the one asking to meet
4) The mental state of both the mum and the daughter if they do/do not meet.

Personally I think that the girl is hurting and trying to replace her real mum(step mum) who died, and I don't think her biological mum is ready or even willing to do that.
Seeing that 14 years later she still holds resentment for her past failed relationship and also this was out of the blue for her, the best for both her and the daughter is for her to call the father of the girl and tell him to sit his daughter down and explain to her that no one can replace her mum. When she gets older and still want to meet then the mum would have had enough time to come to terms with it.
NB 1. There is no guarantee that the mom would even agree to meet in the future or/and NB 2. The daughter may have moved from her moms death.

If we pluck out our eyes in order not to see our enemies, we will also not have eyes to see our friends.
- Benin proverb.

She threw away the innocent baby because her hatred for a man, and 14yrs later, the chickens have come home to roost.

pain influences our actions but this her reason of leaving the child behind is albeit self centered

She did right by leaving the kid with his father. Not everyone can stomach having a living reminder of a love that transcended into hate, which happened not of your own, staring at you in the same space.
She doesn't want to hate her child, she also can't help but not love the said child. Has her anger calmed down now that time has passed? She is the only one that knows. Perhaps meeting her will reveal her current state of mind. Since her husband is aware of this history, then all is well on that side.
While it is clearly unfair to the child, this goes beyond that. There are other variables to be considered.

thesicilian:
If we pluck out our eyes in order not to see our enemies, we will also not have eyes to see our friends.
- Benin proverb.

She threw away the innocent baby because her hatred for a man, and 14yrs later, the chickens have come home to roost.

She saw the child as a painful reminder of her ex

thesicilian:
If we pluck out our eyes in order not to see our enemies, we will also not have eyes to see our friends.
- Benin proverb.

She threw away the innocent baby because her hatred for a man, and 14yrs later, the chickens have come home to roost.

She didn't throw any baby, she simply gave up her right as her mother, do you expect her to accept and take care of a child she would hate, thereby affecting the child's upbringing negatively? She did the right thing

And no chicken came home to roost, she still doesn't want to meet the girl, her life, her choice, her decision.

This is just share foolishness on the mother's part. Is it the baby's fault?

JovialJune:
She didn't throw any baby, she simply gave up her right as her mother, do you expect her to accept and take care of a child she would hate, thereby affecting the child's upbringing negatively? She did the right thing

And no chicken came home to roost, she still doesn't want to meet the girl, her life, her choice, her decision.

That's right. Trust them to come and twist everything to suit their narratives. Some will still come and ask why she took the actions she did "afterall men are polygamous in nature, so e no fit chop anoda soup, na only oha e go dey chop, she for jus calm down, shebi e no dey beat am naaa".

Probably things would've been different if she wasn't married to Mark at the time. When she found out that Mark was having an affair, she didn't want to have anything to do with him but then she was already pregnant. She wanted to take it out but Mark pleaded with her. She was ready to cut ties with him cos of infidelity but she did love him and thought they could make it work plus ofcourse they have a baby on the way, maybe that would rekindle something. Nahhhh, turns out Mark wanted her to "understand" that he was already in love with the other woman and he couldn't let her go. She instantly knew there was no way that would work, she couldn't deal, moved out and filed for a divorce. Back here, she would've been talked into forgiving him and going back to her husband's house, she's his only legal wife naa, from one family meeting to another lol. Yes, she bore him a child but instead of joy and maybe hope, this was going to always bring back sad memories, her mental health was at stake already and she needed to move on with her life, start anew. She didn't want the baby, and yes Mark may use his child as an avenue to constantly get to her, I'm sure she thought about that at some point, she really wanted him to disappear from her life. Since he was with the other woman, it was only logical for her to give the other woman a choice to adopt the child. She didn't impose it on her. Her death is quite unfortunate. She has moved on too, you don't just call her and ask her to come see the child, would this have happened if the other woman was alive? No, when people sign their child(ren) up for adoption, they never go back on it even when/after the adopted parents are dead. I understand that the child is devastated, yes she needs motherly care, she needs someone to comfort her, to tell her that everything will be alright, she needs support more than ever, she needs her mum. I agree but then you don't expect the woman to just jump back into the picture even if as just a mother figure to her. It doesn't work that way. It doesn't change the way the woman feels about the child, she may have forgiven the man over the years but that doesn't mean she wants him in her life.

- Sometimes, you forgive people, wish them well and not want them back into your life, that is totally okay. I just really feel for the child.

1F30M4:
I just really feel for the child.

This * 100

There are many wicked mothers out there.

Kobojunkie:
There are many wicked mothers out there.

Hi, did you even read the story?

The mother is a selfish little jellyfish.

The child has every right to know who her mother is.

JovialJune:
She didn't throw any baby, she simply gave up her right as her mother, do you expect her to accept and take care of a child she would hate, thereby affecting the child's upbringing negatively? She did the right thing

And no chicken came home to roost, she still doesn't want to meet the girl, her life, her choice, her decision.

She did the right thing? Really?
By abandoning her own child?
So let's flip this for a sec...

If a man abandons his wife and child all because his wife cheated on him, he will be doing the right thing ba?
Hope, "you won't expect him to accept and take care of a child he would hate, thereby affecting the child's upbringing negatively?" ....
So it'll be alright for a man to abandon his child all because of an issue he had with his wife? The man abandoning his child for his wife actions will be doing the right thing, just as this lady here, did the right ba? ....

Sweetheart, let's be real here...
That woman is a deadbeat mother!!
That woman is terrible and should be dealt with the harshest of punishment ...
She abandoned her own child for God's sake!!
And there's no excuse of that!!
You can't blame the mistake of your spouse on that innocent child, it's wrong!!

If you want to abandon the man and treat him like trash for cheating on you, then that's fine, it's 100% acceptable, but to abandon your own child in the process, nahhhhh....

And what's even more painful is that fact that y'all are making excuses for the woman's irresponsible actions ...

Do you know the psychological implications of this woman's action on the child? Do you know that, that child will have to deal with feelings of rejection, low self-esteem, low selfworth, identity issues, abandonment issues et Al....
((You're learned ma'am, and I believe you will find a way to verify the psychological implications on this on children))....

Will the above complications not hurt the child, abi is it not going to affect the child's upbringing negatively? ....

Please I sincerely want to know your answers to the above questions ...

Klass99:
Realistically, you can hate or resent your own child because of the attitude of the other parent. I've seen a male user on this forum say he was beginning to resent the 3 kids he has with his wife, because of her bad attitude and infidelity in their marriage.

In my opinion the mother did what was best for her and best for the baby, by choosing adoption over abortion. She was also brutally honest about not wanting the baby, that counts for something with me.

I hope if the man in this instance you highlighted, makes the same decision as the lady in the thread, it'll also be considered as him doing the best for himself and his children ba?

I hope if he is brutally honest about not wanting his children anymore on account of his wife's infidelity, I hope that will also "count for something with you"? ....

Klass99:
In life you can only give what you have and she doesn't have love or motherly affection to give. So again, I don't fault her for refusing to meet years later. True motherhood goes beyond biological ties, a real mother is the one who tucks you in at night, the one who teaches you good hygiene, the one who is there in good & bad times etc.

That's wonderful...
I hope you won't fault a man, who doesn't have love or fatherly affection to give ba? I hope you won't call him dispecable and unprintable names, if a father abandons his child because of an issue he had with his wife?

I hope you'll take this same stance of nonchalance, if it is the man who abandons his child? ....

Klass99:
The 14 year old had a real mother in her step mom, can she please give it a rest already and can the father just tell her the truth as to why her mother walked away. What good will come from meeting a biological mother who wasn't interested and is still not interested? Oyibo people too like wahala.

Really??
She should give it a rest?
A child is asking to meet her biological mother and that's a bother? So her desire to want to meet her mother is unfounded and trivial and as such, she should in your own words "give it a rest"? Wawu! ...

Please I'd honestly like to know your answers to the above questions, I hope you can cut to the chase and be straightforward about them....

Favfables1:
I hope if the man in this instance you highlighted, makes the same decision as the lady in the thread, it'll also be considered as him doing the best for himself and his children ba?

I hope if he is brutally honest about not wanting his children anymore on account of his wife's infidelity, I hope that will also "count for something with you"? ....



That's wonderful...
I hope you won't fault a man, who doesn't have love or fatherly affection to give ba? I hope you won't call him dispecable and unprintable names, if a father abandons his child because of an issue he had with his wife?

I hope you'll take this same stance of nonchalance, if it is the man who abandons his child? ....



Really??
She should give it a rest?
A child is asking to meet her biological mother and that's a bother? So her desire to want to meet her mother is unfounded and trivial and as such, she should in your own words "give it a rest"? Wawu! ...

Please I'd honestly like to know your answers to the above questions, I hope you can cut to the chase and be straightforward about them....

I know it might be unlikely, but imagine if everything the woman went through equally happened to the man

Klass99:
Realistically, you can hate or resent your own child because of the attitude of the other parent. I've seen a male user on this forum say he was beginning to resent the 3 kids he has with his wife, because of her bad attitude and infidelity in their marriage.

In my opinion the mother did what was best for her and best for the baby, by choosing adoption over abortion. She was also brutally honest about not wanting the baby, that counts for something with me.

The narrative that there is an unbreakable bond between mother and child (which starts from the womb) has been proved wrong by this woman. She has also proved that blood is not thicker than water after all, by refusing to see or meet her daughter 14 years later.

In life you can only give what you have and she doesn't have love or motherly affection to give. So again, I don't fault her for refusing to meet years later. True motherhood goes beyond biological ties, a real mother is the one who tucks you in at night, the one who teaches you good hygiene, the one who is there in good & bad times etc.

The 14 year old had a real mother in her step mom, can she please give it a rest already and can the father just tell her the truth as to why her mother walked away. What good will come from meeting a biological mother who wasn't interested and is still not interested? Oyibo people too like wahala.

If we go by what you wrote so many people will hate you because of your parents. Your parents have enemies that don’t see you as their enemies

Klass99:
Your emotions are all over the place, quit being emotional and reacting with thoughtless emotionalism.

This is not a Q & A session either, respond to the original post with your opinion, there's absolutely no need to masturbate all over mine. EOD for me.

Hahahahaha

I expected this...
And sadly, I wasn't disappointed ....

Like I always say...
"When an average or below average female has nothing of worth to say, they resort to insults, shaming and emotional blackmail"
Your fallacious response is proof of my hypothesis ...

Have a nice day ma'am ....