₦airaland Forum

Hi guys

I’m 29 about to be 30. I met a guy from delta when I was 21. Im a Yoruba girl. We had a child together we got engaged, but no marriage up until now. We live in the UK and unfortunately he didn’t have his permanent stay. I never saw this as a big deal then, I guess I was young and inexperienced. So that has been his excuse for no marriage all these years as he is not settled. He is able to stay in the because of our child but there’s still some complications around it. My parents have not been happy about this, but what can they do as we already have a child together. They are not too fond of him and his background.

Something in me is telling me to move on with my life as I’m not seeing any signs of seriousness in him. He is 38 with a lot of confusion about the direction his life will take. Career wise he is still very lost. He has some bad habits that he does (smoking,drinking etc) that I’ve been telling him over the years to give up, but to no avail. He claims that I am reason why he’s not progressing as all I do is nag. I have really tried to see the good in him, by trying to bring the best out of him but unfortunately the older I get, the more I realise that this may have been a mistake from the beginning.
I refuse to have another child for him until he changes and we get married. He uses this against me and has told me twice he will get another woman pregnant since he cannot control me.

I’m not perfect but I have really tried to direct him. Sometimes I ask myself the possibilities of marrying with a child and what my reality will be. I’m a student nurse hoping to make something of my life. I also work part time. Currently he moved out of the house we were living in months ago because we were always arguing. There have been efforts to try to reconcile but it always ends up in arguments. I need some advice on what to do next.

what is so great about this man that you would even want to "wait" for him and/or expect anything from him?

so many women have a child with a guy and fail to realize after so many years that you guys are not made for one another. stop wasting your life expecting a 38yr old man to change, and instead move on with your life and find someone that will genuinely value you.

You seem to have a plan for the direction you want your life to be, studying, working and being a mum to your little one.

Ask yourself, what exactly are you going to miss out on if you don't have him in your life?

And how is his presence in your life a benefit to you?

The answers to both questions should help clarify your next steps.

At 29 you are still a spring chicken and therefore not too late to retrace your steps.

Personally, I'd say cut and run.

You are the only one who can advise yourself, you have been with him for 8years and should know if there's a future there.

8 years after,

1. He is not “settled “, even with using your child, only God knows how long this is going to take, with the uk current anti-immigration campaign, it will probably be longer.

2. No career,business: I reckon he has been working minimum wage jobs to pay the bill( carer,warehouse, kitchen assistant to pay the bill) a almost 40 years old man with no plan, ambition or any form of goal is only compatible with someone who is equally yoke

3. Bad habits : he blames you for his stagnancy, smokes (very expensive habit in the uk) drinks, probably a womaniser, all on a meagre minimum wage.
If you are still asking and making effort to amend a man that has nothing whatsoever to offer you even after 8 years of your understanding and patience,then maybe you truly deserve each other.

What are you so scared of kicking this unserious man child to the curb? Single parenting? (you a glorified baby mama as it is


You should be thankful and grateful he didn’t marry you,

Calmgirl94:
■ Hi guys I’m 29 about to be 30. I met a guy from delta when I was 21. Im a Yoruba girl. We had a child together we got engaged, but no marriage up until now. We live in the UK and unfortunately he didn’t have his permanent stay. I never saw this as a big deal then, I guess I was young and inexperienced. So that has been his excuse for no marriage all these years as he is not settled. He is able to stay in the because of our child but there’s still some complications around it. My parents have not been happy about this, but what can they do as we already have a child together. They are not too fond of him and his background.
Something in me is telling me to move on with my life as I’m not seeing any signs of seriousness in him. He is 38 with a lot of confusion about the direction his life will take. Career wise he is still very lost. He has some bad habits that he does (smoking,drinking etc) that I’ve been telling him over the years to give up, but to no avail. He claims that I am reason why he’s not progressing as all I do is nag. I have really tried to see the good in him, by trying to bring the best out of him but unfortunately the older I get, the more I realise that this may have been a mistake from the beginning. I refuse to have another child for him until he changes and we get married. He uses this against me and has told me twice he will get another woman pregnant since he cannot control me.
I’m not perfect but I have really tried to direct him. Sometimes I ask myself the possibilities of marrying with a child and what my reality will be. I’m a student nurse hoping to make something of my life. I also work part time. Currently he moved out of the house we were living in months ago because we were always arguing. There have been efforts to try to reconcile but it always ends up in arguments. I need some advice on what to do next.

You met him a smoker and a drinker, right? You met him unemployed and directionless, right? You decided to change your own life and now you demand he change from the person you loved to someone else? You should probably focus your attention on you and who you wish to be and decide for yourself if he fits into the equation that is the new you rather than come here to pretend he suddenly became a problem. You chose him and if you wish to abandon that choice that is OK too.

Las las una go still dey fvck.

You sound like someone with uncanny abilities to change human beings. Good luck with that.

My dear, you are not Jesus Christ that can change people. Even God does not impose himself us.
Any advice given to you, will be difficult for you to take, because there's emotional attachment including the child included.
The truth is, a man you're baby seating to have direction for himself at 38yr, will eventually stress you. Besides, why living together with a man you're not married to? It's enough mistake you had a child outside wedlock, but moving in with him shows lack of self value.
How can he demand another child from you when he has not done the proper thing?

Baby girl, the way you carry yourself, is not far from how people will treat you.

Calmgirl94:
Hi guys

I’m 29 about to be 30. I met a guy from delta when I was 21. Im a Yoruba girl. We had a child together we got engaged, but no marriage up until now. We live in the UK and unfortunately he didn’t have his permanent stay. I never saw this as a big deal then, I guess I was young and inexperienced. So that has been his excuse for no marriage all these years as he is not settled. He is able to stay in the because of our child but there’s still some complications around it. My parents have not been happy about this, but what can they do as we already have a child together. They are not too fond of him and his background.

Something in me is telling me to move on with my life as I’m not seeing any signs of seriousness in him. He is 38 with a lot of confusion about the direction his life will take. Career wise he is still very lost. He has some bad habits that he does (smoking,drinking etc) that I’ve been telling him over the years to give up, but to no avail. He claims that I am reason why he’s not progressing as all I do is nag. I have really tried to see the good in him, by trying to bring the best out of him but unfortunately the older I get, the more I realise that this may have been a mistake from the beginning.
I refuse to have another child for him until he changes and we get married. He uses this against me and has told me twice he will get another woman pregnant since he cannot control me.

I’m not perfect but I have really tried to direct him. Sometimes I ask myself the possibilities of marrying with a child and what my reality will be. I’m a student nurse hoping to make something of my life. I also work part time. Currently he moved out of the house we were living in months ago because we were always arguing. There have been efforts to try to reconcile but it always ends up in arguments. I need some advice on what to do next.

Why are you forcing yourself on him to marry you?

Get up from that ground you are and dust yourself.

You can get another man to love you and your child unequivocally. Don't allow that unless things he inculcated in your brain to ruin you.

That's what he's using to tie you down that nobody will marry with the child.

The bible says "a man plan his way and the Lord direct his footpath".

When you plan your way God will direct a good and better man to you.

My dear sister, HE'S NOW YOUR GOD.

Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? You already have a child for him, you have been living together as an engaged couple and likely being intimate, he's basically getting the benefits of marriage without marriage, so why would he want to marry into with you when he's getting all the benefits of marriage without marriage?

Besides, look at the other things you wrote: he's still confused on what to do with his life at 38, he blames you for not progressing, he smokes and drinks, etc. Is this someone you yourself should want to marry?

And I can't believe you're talking about having another child for you. Umm, m'am, are you okay? Please get sense and I mean that respectfully.

You should break the yeye engagement. Imagine an 8-year (and counting) engagement, smh. It's either you move on with you and your kid, or keep wasting your life away with him. Your choice.

Calmgirl94:
Hi guys

I’m 29 about to be 30. I met a guy from delta when I was 21. Im a Yoruba girl. We had a child together we got engaged, but no marriage up until now. We live in the UK and unfortunately he didn’t have his permanent stay. I never saw this as a big deal then, I guess I was young and inexperienced. So that has been his excuse for no marriage all these years as he is not settled. He is able to stay in the because of our child but there’s still some complications around it. My parents have not been happy about this, but what can they do as we already have a child together. They are not too fond of him and his background.

Something in me is telling me to move on with my life as I’m not seeing any signs of seriousness in him. He is 38 with a lot of confusion about the direction his life will take. Career wise he is still very lost. He has some bad habits that he does (smoking,drinking etc) that I’ve been telling him over the years to give up, but to no avail. He claims that I am reason why he’s not progressing as all I do is nag. I have really tried to see the good in him, by trying to bring the best out of him but unfortunately the older I get, the more I realise that this may have been a mistake from the beginning.
I refuse to have another child for him until he changes and we get married. He uses this against me and has told me twice he will get another woman pregnant since he cannot control me.

I’m not perfect but I have really tried to direct him. Sometimes I ask myself the possibilities of marrying with a child and what my reality will be. I’m a student nurse hoping to make something of my life. I also work part time. Currently he moved out of the house we were living in months ago because we were always arguing. There have been efforts to try to reconcile but it always ends up in arguments. I need some advice on what to do next.

I think you should allow him go for good

You will get another person but this time around think well before you give in

He has no sense of direction and he is blaming you for that, so let him go and find his life Map

He said he will go out to pregnant another woman, that's to show you that, he is not ready to be a responsible man but wants to have children and leave the responsibility for their mothers

So let him go and you too start life afresh

You can't keep on keeping what doesn't add value to your life

Be careful o.. It’s cold outside..

You have a job,and you will soon become a nurse.. You have a child already.. Why don’t you just marry Jesus?

Mehn

This is really tough

Move on with your life!