₦airaland Forum

I was just observing and thinking out loud.
I know of a guy, single, 32yrs, number 6 in the family of 9, since he graduated and got a job, everybody in the family have been depending on him. He paid his elder brother's children school fees, take care of their mother and younger siblings. Every Christmas, he made provisions for bags of rice, meat, fuel basically everything for their family's comfort for those traveling for Xmas celebration in their family house. Last year, he lost his job and he is still struggling to get another job and accomodation till now.
His elder siblings are struggling facing their immediate family's problem, so, noone to help for now. Everyone is minding his personal business in that family.


My curiosity
Why does it look like in a poverty environment, when one wants to gather and rise financially, every other family members around want to keep collecting?

Why do most family members depend on a particular upcoming successful sibling until he can no longer get there due to excessive billing?
Why do kind hearted siblings suffer the most in the family?

What's your opinion on this?

No too carry family problem for head......

Tho family is the only people who are likely to gat your back when the chips are down,but you should be wise and brave enough to say "NO" to some of their requests if you really want to go far in life....

All in all,it's more better for everyone or at least 3-4 people in a family of 6 to be well-to-do,so as to reduce the financial burden than to be dependent on only one person.......

It is well tho....cuz life isn't really as easy as we want it to be sometimes.......

Sonnobax15:

No too carry family problem for head......

Tho family is the only people who are likely to gat your back when the chips are down,but you should be wise and brave enough to say "NO" to some of their requests if you really want to go far in life....

All in all,it's more better for everyone or at least 3-4 people in a family of 6 to be well-to-do,so as to reduce the financial burden than to be dependent on only one person.......

It is well tho....cuz life isn't really as easy as we want it to be sometimes.......

You are right 👍

Now he has no job nor accommodation, are his siblings and mother, dead?

Well many of us struggle with the Messiah Complex and it has stunted many people's growth.

It is said, you can't pour from an empty cup, self-care is not selfishness.

Learning to say NO without feeling guilt, is a survival skill I have learnt. Back then during my undergraduate days, our Head of Department who is a Counselling Psychologist had the attached quote, boldly pasted on her office door and it helped students to prepare their minds before entering her office.

Happened to me.

Billings from extended family members wanted to kill me for over 4 years. I even had to fully stop social media because anytime I upload anything, it's usually followed by billing.

I got my girlfriend pregnant and quickly married her. Now, it's much easier to say no, especially since they know I have a "high maintenance wife and daughter" who I have made priority. Some even dislikes my wife and daughter because of it but who cares.

The guy should also learn to say NO. From experience, it's the most powerful word of all time.

@mindlog/@mille, You are right. Just that it takes a strong mind to say No especially when you're trying to build

In this country, you need to master the art of complaining. A very important life-saving skill. You will be shocked that some people have savings they don’t want to touch but will bill you. People will always ask for your help, be it family, friends or neighbors. It’s your skill that help you manage it. There was a time I used to be very uncomfortable when someone asks for my help and I can’t render it. Not anymore.

Problem no dey finish especially family problems. Empathy is good but so is self-care. Be addicted to self-development, and at such, you will realize there’s a lot you haven’t done for yourself. For example, having passive income.

A wise man once said, the best form of help is empowerment; helping people so they can help themselves. Sorting bills is not. If you’re empathetic and you’re in such shoes, the best thing is to empower that relative of yours, be it a with a skill, job or in their own line of business. If you can’t afford this, and you can’t ’look away’ due to your selfless nature, cook excuses. There are a lot to pick from, loans, professional exams and the likes. These will give you time to build up better.

It’s always good to notify people that you have bills to pay, when they call and ask “how are you” tell them “fine o but …..*quickly inserts the current problem*”. Some just want to test you to see if something will drop.

Epositive:
In this country, you need to master the art of complaining. A very important life-saving skill. You will be shocked that some people have savings they don’t want to touch but will bill you. People will always ask for your help, be it family, friends or neighbors. It’s your skill that help you manage it. There was a time I used to be very uncomfortable when someone asks for my help and I can’t render it. Not anymore.

Problem no dey finish especially family problems. Empathy is good but so is self-care. Be addicted to self-development, and at such, you will realize there’s a lot you haven’t done for yourself. For example, having passive income.

A wise man once said, the best form of help is empowerment; helping people so they can help themselves. Sorting bills is not. If you’re empathetic and you’re in such shoes, the best thing is to empower that relative of yours, be it a with a skill, job or in their own line of business. If you can’t afford this, and you can’t ’look away’ due to your selfless nature, cook excuses. There are a lot to pick from, loans, professional exams and the likes. These will give you time to build up better.

It’s always good to notify people that you have bills to pay, when they call and ask “how are you” tell them “fine o but …..*quickly inserts the current problem*”. Some just want to test you to see if something will drop.

Funny 🤣 but that's the truth.

The poverty environment you mentioned is the reason and it’s upheld by poor governance, the pressure to get married and lack of family planning resulting in more children than folks can take care of.

Missroyalluv:
I was just observing and thinking out loud.
I know of a guy, single, 32yrs, number 6 in the family of 9, since he graduated and got a job, everybody in the family have been depending on him. He paid his elder brother's children school fees, take care of their mother and younger siblings. Every Christmas, he made provisions for bags of rice, meat, fuel basically everything for their family's comfort for those traveling for Xmas celebration in their family house. Last year, he lost his job and he is still struggling to get another job and accomodation till now.
His elder siblings are struggling facing their immediate family's problem, so, noone to help for now. Everyone is minding his personal business in that family.


My curiosity
Why does it look like in a poverty environment, when one wants to gather and rise financially, every other family members around want to keep collecting?

Why do most family members depend on a particular upcoming successful sibling until he can no longer get there due to excessive billing?
Why do kind hearted siblings suffer the most in the family?

What's your opinion on this?

This is life trying to teach him a lesson. If and when he eventually gets another job, he be wiser. He will now care more about his progress and future by learning to save for the rainy day.

Missroyalluv:
Funny 🤣 but that's the truth.

I'm telling you. If not, tell me why someone suddenly need help immediately you uploaded status online.

People will always take advantage of people whom make themselves available. Growing up, my mum had a very rich cousin whom everyone called stingy, because his priority was solely his immediate family. He occasionally helped people but they were not his priority.

As young as I was, I realised that his behaviour was right. Your immediate family are the only ones entitled to your money. Whatever you give others is charity and it's at your discretion.

Immediate family means, parents, spouse and kids in this context. Siblings and cousins will be fine. If it's not a life or death thing, they'll sort themselves out eventually.

Epositive:
I'm telling you. If not, tell me why someone suddenly need help immediately you uploaded status online.

Nau to dey ignore them. It shows they don't even care about you, just what you can do for them

zed7:
People will always take advantage of people whom make themselves available. Growing up, my mum had a very rich cousin whom everyone called stingy, because his priority was solely his immediate family. He occasionally helped people but they were not his priority.

As young as I was, I realised that his behaviour was right. Your immediate family are the only ones entitled to your money. Whatever you give others is charity and it's at your discretion.

Immediate family means wife and kids in this context. Siblings and cousins will be fine. If it's not a life or death thing, they'll sort themselves out eventually.

Including your parents. Because they spent all they would have use to have better old age to train you. They're very important too. My opinion though

Missroyalluv:
Including your parents. Because they spent all they would have use to have better old age to train you. They're very important too. My opinion though

You're very right. Parents also, for those whom have theirs alive.

Life is all about balance.

Mille:
Happened to me.

Billings from extended family members wanted to kill me for over 4 years. I even had to fully stop social media because anytime I upload anything, it's usually followed by billing.

I got my girlfriend pregnant and quickly married her. Now, it's much easier to say no, especially since they know I have a "high maintenance wife and daughter" who I have made priority. Some even dislikes my wife and daughter because of it but who cares.

The guy should also learn to say NO. From experience, it's the most powerful word of all time.

I have also thought about marriage as a possible way out because I sometimes imagine that people might think you don't have any responsibility by being single.

Getting married doesn't seem that simple, though. Don't want to go the pregnancy route - can be frustrating down the line. And these ladies want (financial) assurance before discussing anything.

As for the OP, it's good to help. But I think you should do it with "sense." Don't assume all responsibilities that you're not ready for.

As you're helping others, also have a plan for yourself. It's better you don't let people know your full financial capability. That's because when the chips are down (like right now) it's then you get the clear picture. As someone wrote, those people are still surviving with your current situation anyway.

Missroyalluv:
I was just observing and thinking out loud.
I know of a guy, single, 32yrs, number 6 in the family of 9, since he graduated and got a job, everybody in the family have been depending on him. He paid his elder brother's children school fees, take care of their mother and younger siblings. Every Christmas, he made provisions for bags of rice, meat, fuel basically everything for their family's comfort for those traveling for Xmas celebration in their family house. Last year, he lost his job and he is still struggling to get another job and accomodation till now.
His elder siblings are struggling facing their immediate family's problem, so, noone to help for now. Everyone is minding his personal business in that family.


My curiosity
Why does it look like in a poverty environment, when one wants to gather and rise financially, every other family members around want to keep collecting?

Why do most family members depend on a particular upcoming successful sibling until he can no longer get there due to excessive billing?
Why do kind hearted siblings suffer the most in the family?

What's your opinion on this?

If they can not depend on their own family who are they to depend on?

My guy did well and God bless him. He did nothing wrong. Loss of work is not his family's doing but King Buhari and KIng Tinubu's wickedness.

Mindlog:
Now he has no job nor accommodation, are his siblings and mother, dead?

Well many of us struggle with the Messiah Complex and it has stunted many people's growth.

It is said, you can't pour from an empty cup, self-care is not selfishness.

Learning to say NO without feeling guilt, is a survival skill I have learnt. Back then during my undergraduate days, our Head of Department who is a Counselling Psychologist had the attached quote, boldly pasted on her office door and it helped students to prepare their minds before entering her office.

How does sayingI "No" to his family stop a job loss?

And your Psychologist is only half right. Who says "No" to family and friends without justification? Even your psychologist does not keep to this quote.

ThaThinka:
I have also thought about marriage as a possible way out because I sometimes imagine that people might think you don't have any responsibility by being single.

Getting married doesn't seem that simple, though. Don't want to go the pregnancy route - can be frustrating down the line. And these ladies want (financial) assurance before discussing anything.

That's it. They all feel you have nothing to spend money on.

It was much easier for me cos I had a girlfriend for long. Much like a fiancee because we have done introduction much earlier. I'm not advocating just getting anyone pregnant. The result might be disastrous.

It's much harder now though. The economy has turned relationships into poverty alleviation schemes.

Dtruthspeaker:
How does sayingI "No" to his family stop a job loss?

And your Psychologist is only half right. Who says "No" to family and friends without justification? Even your psychologist does not keep to this quote.

Even God does not say YES, to all our requests....let that sink.

Mindlog:
Even God does not say YES, to all our requests....let that sink.

Now you have changed post! Who told you ny guy did not say No? look at the report, he even gave them of his accord and on really important stuff. So he deserves to be praised and prayed for especially as we know many many relations who are rich but are never there.

Dtruthspeaker:
Now you have changed post! Who told you ny guy did not say No? look at the report, he even gave them to of his accord and on really important stuff. So he deserves to be praised and prayed for especially as we know many many relations who are rich but are never there.

Changed post?🙄

Paying for your elder brother's children' school fees from your salary because your elder brother is too big to have his children in public schools despite the fact he couldn't afford to pay fees?

I guess because he has been created to be the messiah of the family and must give all, not thinking of himself, investments nor personal development. Now he is down and out, everybody go don calm down.

A relative requested I help him with some funds to help him sort out fees for his son who got admitted into a private university, he even went ahead to convert the fees into Pound Sterling to make it look smaller and I asked him clearly that based on his financial health, why didn't he get his son to apply for a public university but he chose to pick offense with me and I did not bloody care.

Black tax is not a joke.

Mindlog:
Changed post?🙄

Paying for your elder brother's children' school fees from your salary because your elder brother is too big to have his children in public schools despite the fact he couldn't afford to pay fees?

I guess because he has been created to be the messiah of the family and must give all, not thinking of himself, investments nor personal development. Now he is down and out, everybody go don calm down.

A relative requested I help him with some funds to help him sort out fees for his son who got admitted into a private university, he even went ahead to convert the fees into Pound Sterling to make it look smaller and I asked him clearly that based on his financial health, why didn't he get his son to apply for a public university but he chose to pick offense with me and I did not bloody care.

Black tax is not a joke.

Your relative was bold with that request.

Esthered:
Your relative was bold with that request.

And I made sure I was bolder with my response, I am not obligated to fund his choice.

I and my wife just discussed this issue yesterday night.

But the solution is...

Learn how to say no,if u don't,they will drag u to their level and u will never recover from it.

When u come from such families,the best thing u should do is,don't pick all calls,avoid them by all means except those who helped u when u were no body.

Give freely at ur own volition and not at their demands. Don't rush to give but

E get why.

It is better u save some money so as to be saved tomorrow than live and survive at their mercies.

Mindlog:
And I made sure I was bolder with my response, I am not obligated to fund his choice.

You'll be said to be stingy. Inasmuch as he wants the best for his son, it should be within his budget and not burden people for his choice. I wonder how people think when they make choices that isn't convenient for them.

Esthered:
You'll be said to be stingy. Inasmuch as he wants the best for his son, it should be within his budget and not burden people for his choice. I wonder how people think when they make choices that isn't convenient for them.

He knows very well that whatever he says doesn't bother me.

You have to make realistic decisions based on what you can afford, others can even be motivated to support you when they see you are struggling but building castles in the air and expecting others to subsidize that illusion, is crazy!

I attended a public secondary school and a public university in Nigeria for my first degree, I still achieved what I am today.

Mindlog:
Changed post?🙄

Paying for your elder brother's children' school fees from your salary because your elder brother is too big to have his children in public schools despite the fact he couldn't afford to pay fees?

I guess because he has been created to be the messiah of the family and must give all, not thinking of himself, investments nor personal development. Now he is down and out, everybody go don calm down.

A relative requested I help him with some funds to help him sort out fees for his son who got admitted into a private university, he even went ahead to convert the fees into Pound Sterling to make it look smaller and I asked him clearly that based on his financial health, why didn't he get his son to apply for a public university but he chose to pick offense with me and I did not bloody care.

Black tax is not a joke.

See how you changed post from How does sayingI "No" to his family stop a job loss? And your Psychologist is only half right. Who says "No" to family and friends without justification? Even your psychologist does not keep to this quote.

To Even God does not say YES, to all our requests?

And now here you are commiting the fallacy of over extension. for the op only reported "paying the brothers children's school fees" and nothing about private or public school. but here you are adding to the case.

Clearly, you are a very bad family member who thinks that it very bad to help others.

God Rules and surely, it would one day be your turn to require help and just is will be served on you.

Nice2023:
I and my wife just discussed this issue yesterday night.

But the solution is...

Learn how to say no,if u don't,they will drag u to their level and u will never recover from it.

When u come from such families,the best thing u should do is,don't pick all calls,avoid them by all means except those who helped u when u were no body.

Give freely at ur own volition and not at their demands. Don't rush to give but

E get why.

It is better u save some money so as to be saved tomorrow than live and survive at their mercies.

Please read the following case, is it his lack of saying No that ruined him?

That is, is it because he did not say no to his family that he lost his job?

Dtruthspeaker:
See how you changed post from How does sayingI "No" to his family stop a job loss? And your Psychologist is only half right. Who says "No" to family and friends without justification? Even your psychologist does not keep to this quote.

To Even God does not say YES, to all our requests?

And now here you are commiting the fallacy of over extension. for the op only reported "paying the brothers children's school fees" and nothing about private or public school. but here you are adding to the case.

Clearly, you are a very bad family member who thinks that it very bad to help others.

God Rules and surely, it would one day be your turn to require help and just is will be served on you.

Help others but don't fuel their sense of entitlement, when exhibited.

I know what is my responsibility and what is not, can't be pressured nor blackmailed.

God Rules and surely, it would everyday be my turn to gain more blessings from the Lord....you think cheap emotional blackmail works on me?

Mindlog:
Help others but don't fuel their sense of entitlement, when exhibited.

God Rules and surely, it would everyday be my turn to gain more blessings from the Lord....you think cheap emotional blackmail works on me?

What do i gain in blackmailing you? You are not a member of my family.

And all i am pointing out is that your judgement on the man was most wicked and unfair.

.