₦airaland Forum

Telling a woman to leave an abusive marriage is like asking a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Surprising, right? Yes the journey seems impossible because their minds are held hostage by trauma and terror. Unfortunately, this is the painful reality many African women live with every day in their abusive marriages. They are trapped, traumatized, and terrified.

What many people fail to understand is that women ensnared in the web of domestic abuse are not just physically hurt but they are deeply broken . Their minds have been so manipulated by their abusers that they begin to believe there’s no greener pasture outside. With this distorted thinking, the toxic environment they live in becomes their comfort zone.

At this point in their lives, their emotional wounds cut even deeper, yet somehow, they feel it’s safer to remain than to face the stereotypes and societal stigma attached to a woman who leaves her matrimonial home.

READ MORE BY CLICKING THE LINK- https://www.voiceyourstories.com/african-women-abusive-marriages/

Na money make many of us stay back in our abusive marriage!!! Especially wen u have children more than one guy is not easy to move o, God is our strength

My interactions with ladies, I have come to realize the reason most are stuck in an abusive marriage are due to financial reasons. That is why I always advice single ladies to take careers very seriously, more serious than religion or marriage. A successful woman always has a lot of options and if already married, hold off before having kids and learn a good skill that will bring in money and career or getting a good job before the kids start coming.

It is easier and better to go on a maternity leave and to give birth than getting a new job as a mother with kids.

dollytino4real:
Na money make many of us stay back in our abusive marriage!!! Especially wen u have children more than one guy is not easy to move o, God is our strength

I don't agree with that assessment. Some female breadwinners remain in abusive situations as well. For instance, we should not forget Osinachi, who was the breadwinner in her home. Yet this woman remained in an abusive relationship until the end. Why? 😶😶😶

In other cases I have observed, many other women who remain in abusive situations do not necessarily get their basic needs— financial, emotional, or social — met in those marriages. These particular women always seem to appear haggard, and when confronted, they are quickest to spout religion and traditional nonsense in their defense. I particularly believe it is the brainwashing that is tradition and religion to blame for much of this problem in Africa.

Kobojunkie:
I don't agree with that accessment. Some female breadwinners remain in abusive situations as well. For instance, we should not forget Osinachi, who was the breadwinner in her home. Yet this woman remained in an abusive relationship until the end. Why? 😶😶😶

In other cases I have observed, many other women who remain in abusive situations do not necessarily get their basic needs— financial, emotional, or social — met in those marriages. These particular women always seem to appear haggard, and when confronted, they are quickest to spout religion and traditional nonsense in their defense. I particularly believe it is the brainwashing that is tradition and religion to blame for much of this problem in Africa.

y some of us stayed is because of what God's word said. And they will say is pride and we are not born again

dollytino4real:
y some of us stayed is because of what God's word said. And they will say is pride and we are not born again

The only gods I know who said y'all should stay in such places are your babalawos, pastors and imams; these ordinary men are the ones whom you are, in fact, the gods who gave you those commands which you serve, because they are the ones who told you all to remain in abusive, toxic marriages.

Kobojunkie:
The only gods I know who said y'all should stay in such places are your pastors and imams; they are the gods you all serve, because they are the ones who told you all to remain in abusive, toxic marriages.

pls no o!

dollytino4real:
➜pls no o!

This is a fact!

Kobojunkie:
This is a fact!

i just check my bible Malachi 2:16 God said it there i hate divorce which is putting away

dollytino4real:
i just check my bible Malachi 2:16 God said it there i hate divorce which is putting away

Are you an Israelite? I ask this because the verse 1 of the book of Malachi, which you quoted from, says the following, "A prophecy: The word of the Lord to Israel through Malachi," in Malachi 1 vs 1. The message that came from Malachi, the Israelite, was directed solely towards his fellow Israelites. So, first, explain to me how you, a Nigerian, came to regard yourself as an Israelite in this case? 😏😏

dollytino4real:
i just check my bible Malachi 2:16 God said it there i hate divorce which is putting away

The same bible says - There are six things the LORD hates, no, seven things he detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family.

Why is divorce always the only thing singled out as what God hates when it comes to a woman wanting to end a marriage? Sometimes it feels like Malachi 2:16 is used in a manipulative way to spiritually blackmail women into remaining in marriages that hurt more than it helps, like an abusive one or one fraught with infidelity.

I'm just thinking out loud! Please stick with your beliefs.

Klass99:
The same bible says - There are six things the LORD hates, no, seven things he detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family.

Why is divorce always the only thing singled out as what God hates when it comes to a woman wanting to end a marriage? Sometimes it feels like Malachi 2:16 is used in a manipulative way to spiritually blackmail women into remaining in marriages that hurt more than it helps, like an abusive one or one fraught with infidelity.

I'm just thinking out loud! Please stick with your beliefs.

because that one involve marriage

dollytino4real:
because that one involve marriage

It is about marriage, you say, and it was said by YHWH, God of Israel, to the people of Israel who He gave statutes allowing divorce for those of them who wanted it. So, tell us exactly what aspect of it has to do with Nigerians, particularly those living in the year 2025?

Kobojunkie:
It is about marriage, you say, and it was said by YHWH, God of Israel, to the people of Israel who He gave statutes allowing divorce for those of them who wanted it. So, tell us exactly what aspect of it has to do with Nigerians, particularly those living in the year 2025?

Man, you are still on here? Nice to see an old nairalander oo.

dollytino4real:
because that one involve marriage

True, you have a valid point.

Klass99:
True, you have a valid point.

na my own point o

Kobojunkie:
It is about marriage, you say, and it was said by YHWH, God of Israel, to the people of Israel who He gave statutes allowing divorce for those of them who wanted it. So, tell us exactly what aspect of it has to do with Nigerians, particularly those living in the year 2025?

God of the Israelite in the bible is the same God of Nigeria

dollytino4real:
➜God of the Israelite in the bible is the same God of Nigeria

If that is the truth, at least show where YHWH sent a message to Nigerians, Nigeria, or at least state that He is God of Nigeria/Nigerians. Malachi was directed specifically at the people of Israel. Your quoting from that particular book makes no sense!

Kobojunkieee:
If that is the truth, at least show where YHWH sent a message to Nigerians, Nigeria, or at least state that He is God of Nigeria/Nigerians. Malachi was directed specifically at the people of Israel. Your quoting from that particular book makes no sense!

ok u don't read Bible so no need to argue bible with u Sir

Nnamdipapa:
My interactions with ladies, I have come to realize the reason most are stuck in an abusive marriage are due to financial reasons. That is why I always advice single ladies to take careers very seriously, more serious than religion or marriage. A successful woman always has a lot of options and if already married, hold off before having kids and learn a good skill that will bring in money and career or getting a good job before the kids start coming.

It is easier and better to go on a maternity leave and to give birth than getting a new job as a mother with kids.

Financial independence is undeniably powerful and can offer a woman more options and freedom in marriage, reducing the causes of abusive marriages primarily to finances overlooks deeper psychological, emotional, and social factors that often keep women stuck.

1. Emotional Bonding and Trauma Bonds: Many women, regardless of their financial standing, stay in abusive marriages due to emotional manipulation, fear, low self-esteem, or hope that their partner will change. These trauma bonds can be harder to break than financial dependence.

2. Religious and Cultural Conditioning: For many women, religion and culture shape their sense of duty, shame, and loyalty — making it incredibly difficult to leave, even when they can afford to. In some faith communities, divorce is heavily stigmatized.

3. Children as a Strong Anchor: It's not just about money — some women stay for the children. They fear destabilizing their kids’ lives, losing custody, or exposing them to broken family dynamics. A woman can have a six-figure income and still choose to stay because of her kids.

4. Financial Independence Isn’t Always Freedom: Not all financially independent women leave. Some high-earning women still endure abuse — whether physical, emotional, or psychological — because abuse isn’t always about money, it's about control, fear, shame, and sometimes identity loss.

5. Overemphasizing Career May Backfire: Advising young women to prioritize career over religion or marriage can unintentionally lead to imbalance. A more holistic message might be: pursue purpose, develop emotionally, build spiritual strength, and grow professionally — because success in one area doesn't immunize you from failure in others.

6. Life Isn't Always Linear or Predictable: Holding off on kids to “first get a job or learn a skill” makes sense logically, but life often throws curveballs — infertility, layoffs, illness, burnout. While planning is smart, overplanning based on fear of abuse may breed anxiety and rigidity.

In summary, financial empowerment is essential, but it must go hand-in-hand with emotional intelligence, support systems, healthy spirituality, and confidence. A woman with money but no courage, vision, or self-worth may still be stuck — and so the solution must be comprehensive, not just economic.

AngelSlay:
Financial independence is undeniably powerful and can offer a woman more options and freedom in marriage, reducing the causes of abusive marriages primarily to finances overlooks deeper psychological, emotional, and social factors that often keep women stuck.

1. Emotional Bonding and Trauma Bonds: Many women, regardless of their financial standing, stay in abusive marriages due to emotional manipulation, fear, low self-esteem, or hope that their partner will change. These trauma bonds can be harder to break than financial dependence.

2. Religious and Cultural Conditioning: For many women, religion and culture shape their sense of duty, shame, and loyalty — making it incredibly difficult to leave, even when they can afford to. In some faith communities, divorce is heavily stigmatized.

3. Children as a Strong Anchor: It's not just about money — some women stay for the children. They fear destabilizing their kids’ lives, losing custody, or exposing them to broken family dynamics. A woman can have a six-figure income and still choose to stay because of her kids.

4. Financial Independence Isn’t Always Freedom: Not all financially independent women leave. Some high-earning women still endure abuse — whether physical, emotional, or psychological — because abuse isn’t always about money, it's about control, fear, shame, and sometimes identity loss.

5. Overemphasizing Career May Backfire: Advising young women to prioritize career over religion or marriage can unintentionally lead to imbalance. A more holistic message might be: pursue purpose, develop emotionally, build spiritual strength, and grow professionally — because success in one area doesn't immunize you from failure in others.

6. Life Isn't Always Linear or Predictable: Holding off on kids to “first get a job or learn a skill” makes sense logically, but life often throws curveballs — infertility, layoffs, illness, burnout. While planning is smart, overplanning based on fear of abuse may breed anxiety and rigidity.

In summary, financial empowerment is essential, but it must go hand-in-hand with emotional intelligence, support systems, healthy spirituality, and confidence. A woman with money but no courage, vision, or self-worth may still be stuck — and so the solution must be comprehensive, not just economic.

ChatGPT answers

dollytino4real:
➜ok u don't read Bible so no need to argue bible with u Sir

I think this response should be redirected back to you since you are the one who misquoted the book.

VoiceUrStories:
Telling a woman to leave an abusive marriage is like asking a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Surprising, right? Yes the journey seems impossible because their minds are held hostage by trauma and terror. Unfortunately, this is the painful reality many African women live with every day in their abusive marriages. They are trapped, traumatized, and terrified.

What many people fail to understand is that women ensnared in the web of domestic abuse are not just physically hurt but they are deeply broken . Their minds have been so manipulated by their abusers that they begin to believe there’s no greener pasture outside. With this distorted thinking, the toxic environment they live in becomes their comfort zone.

At this point in their lives, their emotional wounds cut even deeper, yet somehow, they feel it’s safer to remain than to face the stereotypes and societal stigma attached to a woman who leaves her matrimonial home.

READ MORE BY CLICKING THE LINK- https://www.voiceyourstories.com/african-women-abusive-marriages/

Share this to your friends and family, etc; so that they would not have boyfriend and girlfriend again... If you still have boyfriend or girlfriend let alone husband and wife after reading this, then you are your own enemy...

Kobojunkie:
I don't agree with that assessment. Some female breadwinners remain in abusive situations as well. For instance, we should not forget Osinachi, who was the breadwinner in her home. Yet this woman remained in an abusive relationship until the end. Why? 😶😶😶

In other cases I have observed, many other women who remain in abusive situations do not necessarily get their basic needs— financial, emotional, or social — met in those marriages. These particular women always seem to appear haggard, and when confronted, they are quickest to spout religion and traditional nonsense in their defense. I particularly believe it is the brainwashing that is tradition and religion to blame for much of this problem in Africa.

She was saying her experience...as to why she remain in abusive marriage... Who asked Osinachi to marry if she has money... If Osinachi also believes that there is brainwashing tradition and religion in Africa... She should have marry an American...etc... Otherwise, she can also adopt whoever or whatever...she wants, if she wants to be controlling/giving instruction/becomes a mentor or role model to some kids... I wonders why such tradition and religion doesn't affects you...and it affects other women...

Kobojunkie:
The only gods I know who said y'all should stay in such places are your babalawos, pastors and imams; these ordinary men are the ones whom you are, in fact, the gods who gave you those commands which you serve, because they are the ones who told you all to remain in abusive, toxic marriages.

I am also wondering why women would not ask men out/toast/approach men for relationship and they would accept when men come to them or ask them for relationship..., they would also accept when men say would you marry me... So it is some gods that are behind it... So it is some gods that are controlling women and telling them that... if any man comes to you and tell you that I love you...let us be in relationship...they should accept... So, women wouldn't know they love men until men comes to them and say I love you...you are beautiful... So, women don't know what love is...until men tell them I love you, you are beautiful... As a woman, please tell me why you think men would tell women I loves you...because she is beautiful... Aren't men beautiful or handsome too, why aren't women asking them out for relationship because they are beautiful or handsome...?

dollytino4real:
i just check my bible Malachi 2:16 God said it there i hate divorce which is putting away

Since GOD hate divorce according Malachi, can't you avoid marriage...? Afterall, without marriage there can't be divorce... In other words, you should avoid men at all cost so that they would not tells you I love you...and would ask you to marry them...

Kobojunkie:
I think this response should be redirected back to you since you are the one who misquoted the book.

Did you mean she didn't quote it completely... She didn't include the part that said you shouldn't divorce except in the case of adultery...and when you divorce...in the case of adultery...you must remain unmarried...

Emmanuel30a:
✓ Did you mean she didn't quote it completely... She didn't include the part that said you shouldn't divorce except in the case of adultery...and when you divorce...in the case of adultery...you must remain unmarried...

She misquoted since the context here are Nigerians whereas the context there is clearly the bloodline of a man named Nigeria who had nothing to do with Nigerians. It would be the same if she had quoted words of Zeus, the Greek god.

Emmanuel30a:
✓ She was saying her experience...as to why she remain in abusive marriage...
✓ Who asked Osinachi to marry if she has money... If Osinachi also believes that there is brainwashing tradition and religion in Africa... She should have marry an American...etc... Otherwise, she can also adopt whoever or whatever...she wants, if she wants to be controlling/giving instruction/becomes a mentor or role model to some kids... I wonders why such tradition and religion doesn't affects you...and it affects other women...

According to you, abi?

2. You can go reprimand her all you want at her grave.

Kobojunkie:
She misquoted since the context here are Nigerians whereas the context there is clearly the bloodline of a man named Nigeria who had nothing to do with Nigerians. It would be the same if she had quoted words of Zeus, the Greek god.

Who is this man named Nigeria who had nothing to do with Nigerians...?

Kobojunkie:
According to you, abi?

2. You can go reprimand her all you want at her grave.

You can tell her what I said when you get there...