₦airaland Forum

dollytino4real:
ok i have checked but nothing in my mail box

Okay ooo!

Kobojunkie:
You dey wait to teach teach a grown man lesson? Na you be him mama abi him papa? 😩😩😩

as his wife, he supposed to learn from anyone

dollytino4real:
as his wife, he supposed to learn from anyone

Pele o!!! Barbara, the builder abi na teacher of her husband! Kwantinue!

Karleb:
If siting down to talk things out works, a lot of marriages would have been saved.

Siting down and trashing issues only works in theory. A lot of couples need to separate and miss each other.

Christianity isn't against separation, you can be married but not stay with your spouse.

Separation doesn't work most times because it should be done as a controlled experiment: Separation of no longer than 6 months, during that time both spouses work on themselves, either get counselling from marriage counsellors/prayer groups/sensible elders (avoiding both MiLs) and most importantly, NOT DATING ANYONE ELSE.

Reality however means that once the couple separates, the man starts to get bad advice like is usually dished here on NL from his fellow men and promptly moves another woman into his house (Error no. 1). Instead of him to reflect inwardly, he uses pride and ego to justify his actions. Then guilt and shame makes him stop communicating with his kids, which then causes more shame inwardly. To stop feeling all that pain, guilt, shame, he turns to pride and anger.

Reality means the woman is hurt and everyone is blaming her for everything, causing her to feel pride and self-pity, whilst having to shoulder the emotional burden of being a single mum. Then she sees her husband with a new woman. It breaks her heart and everyone tells her "move on with your life". And she does so. Instead of healing, she's too busy trying to survive (Error no.2).

And the kids go from grief and pain to accepting their new reality. Yes, it will have long term consequences on them.

Eventually the dust settles.

The husband has calmed down, he's finally no longer an emotional basket and beginning to feel like his old self.
He realises he's in a relationship with another woman whom on a good day, he would have nothing to do with or he may have even married her (the Other Woman will always be a mistake). But he can't admit it because sensible people in his life warned him yet he refused to listen.
He now starts to be a good father again. His pride is still there so he can't tell his wife he screwed up, he can't face his in-laws and the world. So he hopes his wife will humble herself, so he can "magnanimously forgive" and reconcile (saving face).

The men who have learned their lesson will drop that nonsense and go and humbly beg.

His wife would have built her walls around her. She's learned she can survive without him. The scars may be very deep and she would have been encouraged to enter a new relationship with another man.

And let me be clear: it is easy for a man to date a woman and return to his wife but hard for a woman to date a man and go back to her husband, in Nigeria.

So she sees her ex coming back and she's sad, not because she doesn't love him but because too much has happened and there's no space left in her life for him anymore. And even if she takes him back, everyone is telling her "he's no longer the man you married, he's a beast now, so don't love him anymore". So she lives with him but her heart is locked firmly away (Error no. 3).

And the devil wipes his hands, satisfied with his handwork and moves onto the next couple.

The women who submit to God will drop their walls and humble accept their husbands back.
Because Marriage is 2 imperfect people walking together, hand-in-hand, towards God's final destination.

One of the best case scenarios I've ever seen of a Separation that works out was one in which

1. I warned the husband not tell anyone, especially other men, in his office, what he was going through. I made him swear to avoid almost all advice from other men.

People give you advise because either they benefit from scattering your life or because they want to enjoy the drama and show after you have scattered your life or from their own place of spin and hardness of heart. If the advise you get cannot stand the test of the Bible, it's wordly advise and will hurt you in the long run.

2. Both the husband and wife were asked to take advice only from people who had skin in the game. In other words, "If you die, will the person giving you advise step up and train your children? If the answer to that is No, then don't ever take their advice". Because friends can be very destructive in their quest to "help".

3. Keep your Mothers out of it. Both mothers will be defending their children (and their pride) rather than thinking of saving the marriage.

4. Stay away from most Divorce forums. Because you don't know who is miserable and giving you advice based on their own anger and pain, rather than from a place of Love, Forgiveness and Repentance.

5. Don't date. Don't even think of it. If you feel lonely, go and reconcile. Period. If your life wasn't in danger, go back to your spouse. Any relationship you start now will be doomed long-term (I've seen too many Uncles who married a 2nd time to let my sons do it. How many 2nd wives in Polygamous marriages are even happy 15 years later sef?).

6. Face your flaws. Your marriage got into trouble because of YOU and YOUR SPOUSE. Your spouse is not to blame for everything that went wrong, you contributed. You're not a victim, you're a willing participant and you also screwed up. Tell yourself "I messed up big time".

7. Divorce is your last option. Seriously. If your life isn't in danger, divorce is rarely a good decision.

Onegai:
Separation doesn't work most times because it should be done as a controlled experiment: Separation of no longer than 6 months, during that time both spouses work on themselves, either get counselling from marriage counsellors/prayer groups/sensible elders (avoiding both MiLs) and most importantly, NOT DATING ANYONE ELSE.

Reality however means that once the couple separates, the man starts to get bad advice like is usually dished here on NL from his fellow men and promptly moves another woman into his house (Error no. 1). Instead of him to reflect inwardly, he uses pride and ego to justify his actions. Then guilt and shame makes him stop communicating with his kids, which then causes more shame inwardly. To stop feeling all that pain, guilt, shame, he turns to pride and anger.

Reality means the woman is hurt and everyone is blaming her for everything, causing her to feel pride and self-pity, whilst having to shoulder the emotional burden of being a single mum. Then she sees her husband with a new woman. It breaks her heart and everyone tells her "move on with your life". And she does so. Instead of healing, she's too busy trying to survive (Error no.2).

And the kids go from grief and pain to accepting their new reality. Yes, it will have long term consequences on them.

Eventually the dust settles.

The husband has calmed down, he's finally no longer an emotional basket and beginning to feel like his old self.
He realises he's in a relationship with another woman whom on a good day, he would have nothing to do with or he may have even married her (the Other Woman will always be a mistake). But he can't admit it because sensible people in his life warned him yet he refused to listen.
He now starts to be a good father again. His pride is still there so he can't tell his wife he screwed up, he can't face his in-laws and the world. So he hopes his wife will humble herself, so he can "magnanimously forgive" and reconcile (saving face).

The men who have learned their lesson will drop that nonsense and go and humbly beg.

His wife would have built her walls around her. She's learned she can survive without him. The scars may be very deep and she would have been encouraged to enter a new relationship with another man.

And let me be clear: it is easy for a man to date a woman and return to his wife but hard for a woman to date a man and go back to her husband, in Nigeria.

So she sees her ex coming back and she's sad, not because she doesn't love him but because too much has happened and there's no space left in her life for him anymore. And even if she takes him back, everyone is telling her "he's no longer the man you married, he's a beast now, so don't love him anymore". So she lives with him but her heart is locked firmly away (Error no. 3).

And the devil wipes his hands, satisfied with his handwork and moves onto the next couple.

The women who submit to God will drop their walls and humble accept their husbands back.
Because Marriage is 2 imperfect people walking together, hand-in-hand, towards God's final destination.

I don't know whether this is from your personal experience but it's interesting how you made it into a man bad, woman good thing.

But it's alright.

Karleb:
I don't know whether this is from your personal experience but it's interesting how you made it into a man bad, woman good thing.

But it's alright.

Please try and re-read, without bias. Especially where I mention "Errors".

pocohantas:
The reason many ladies rushed into wrong marriages is the family house to start with. A lot of Nigerian homes are inhabitable for their kids and these kids only tolerate for as long as they cannot fend for themselves. A lot of Nigerian mothers are not their daughters friends. It was this pressure to have a place she can call her own that made many of their daughters enter marriage without planning. It worked for some. It didn't work for many.

Her case is very redeemable if her husband were teachable. A quality many underrate until relationship/marital challenges comes.

I once had a girl that was pushing to marry me for this very reason, she was trying to get away from her mother

I could see what was happening, I wasn't ready though and she jumped into the arms of the next random dude...luckily it turned out fine for her and they're still married today

Sirianese:
➜I once had a girl that was pushing to marry me for this very reason, she was trying to get away from her mother
I could see what was happening, I wasn't ready though and she jumped into the arms of the next random dude...luckily it turned out fine for her and they're still married today

They are still married DOES NOT equate to it ended up fine for her though.

I am not suggesting she would have been better off with you or some ridiculous nonsense like that. But typically, it is never a good idea for humans in general to use other people as an escape from problems.

Kobojunkie:
They are still married DOES NOT equate to it ended up fine for her though.

I am not suggesting she would have been better off with you or some ridiculous nonsense like that. But typically, it is never a good idea for humans in general to use other people as an escape from problems.

No am sure, they're doing well together

Sirianese:
➜No am sure, they're doing well together

OK