₦airaland Forum

I didn't think this was how I'd start this but I was hurt last night and it's alright to let it out.

Where do I even start from?
Why do women do this? You just be a no show after scheduling an event or a meet up. No texts or messages to say you won't show up or that you are cancelling. The most annoying part of it for me is that I often ask multiple times if you are sure of your availability, to avoid disappointments like this! How do you answer yes all through, text me till it's time then disappear. Fuc.k up my time, plans, money etc.

Now to details,

I have been talking to Oma for a bit, started online in February I think. We chatted quite a bit and got to know each other. I got to know her job, her routine, things like that. I often would ask to meet a babe after texting for like a week or two. As such, I asked Oma to meet, she agreed, we scheduled the time and place. When it was time, Oma became incommunicado, my calls and text messages went unreplied till the following morning. She texted the following morning that she slept off as she was tired from the exercises she went for: she didn’t exactly apologise, she just gave a reason why she didn’t show up. I took it calmly and just brushed everything aside and we scheduled another meet.
Now that I think of it I shouldn’t have brushed it aside, I should have checked that sh.ii!!!!!!!!

Anyways, we scheduled a second meet about a week after the failed first and guess what she was a no-show again!!!! Forgotten what the excuse/reason was this time. I also didn’t check it!!!!!!
However, after the second I decided I wasn’t going to ask about meeting anymore as I couldn’t fathom why she was stalling, something just didn’t seem right. Anyways, I never asked again and she never did either. I also decided I was going to cease communication with her in April, but I changed my mind after she showed genuine concern for me when I was incommunicado online, it felt like she cared and since then we’ve been communicating.

Things took a different turn when we were texting this week and she mentioned she was in her feelings, her emotions were going haywire. I encouraged her and then mentioned to her that even I, needed an unburdening of my own (I had an experience that morning that triggered my tear glands).
I asked if she was open to the idea of unburdening while drinking wine and just letting go, she said she was down. We couldn’t schedule it for that same day and we fixed it for yesterday night at my place. Knowing her antecedents, I asked multiple times between Wednesday and Friday, if she was going to be available, if she wasn’t going to flake. I got positive responses all through. Checked in on Friday and it was still positive.

Last night, my commute back home was messed up because of the rains, it was difficult to get vehicles. I texted Oma to let her know I might get home late and that might delay our plans a little, she acknowledged. I had been craving to have cakes for a bit, so I had ordered a cake captioned to depict what we both had going on. Grabbed a bottle of wine on my way home, an extra toothbrush, dinner and had even purchased tomatoes and pepper earlier that morning too.

Basically, I had planned the night and breakfast in bed kind of morning.
Got home some 20-25 mins later than our planned time, sent her a text I was home and if she needed me to come walk her……….crickets. Tried calling……..crickets. Sent another message………..crickets.
A part of me sort of expected it, another part of me was hoping this was going to be a redemption of some sort…lol!
Anyways, I had dinner, had a bath, brought out my vodka and drank to the night, which was a part of the plan after all.

Now I have her text sitting in my DM, I wonder if she thinks texting “so sorry” and “super sorry” with an emoji and her reason being that she slept off makes up for this.
I wonder the best way to handle this, cease communication with her by reading and ignoring the messages or blasting her straight up. I think the former, time to let it go.

The crazy part of all this is that I am/was hurt but I don’t feel it. I want to feel something, I want to have my tear glands well up, I want to feel that heartrending and searing pain but it just seems like I am in a state of numbness. Been feeling numb for quite some time, I need something to change that, something. I want to feel the way I felt briefly on Wednesday, I want to feel it, marinate in it, shed a few tears, I need a release!!!
Last time I shed a tear was 2020, I need to shed some, been strong for too long.

The caption on the cake is “To Tears, Wins and our Feelings”
Bleep Oma. The third time was supposed to be the charm.

It’s crazy sometimes how women don’t respect your time especially when you are moving to them romantically. I cannot begin to count the many experiences: is it the three times Rida did not show up, did not apologise nor cancel and I had to check her the third time which she read and ignored? Or the time I got two tickets for I and Sandra for an event, and she was incommunicado for about 48hours, only to become reachable after the show? Or the other lady who was checking in with me over the phone but was still a no show? Would it kill them to text or call to state their unavailability?

I do not know if it is supposed to be a form of punishment or a means to mess with you but henceforth I am not letting it go. They are either going to get a blasting or a taste of their own medicine.
For people who do not like their own time wasted (talk about biological clock yidi yada yada) they sure do like to waste that of others. I am not asking them to like me or be interested in me, I am simply saying respect my fuckin.g time, same way I respect yours.

Something else I do not understand is why a woman whom I approached - had a light-hearted conversation with (getting to know her type thing) - and then requested for her number while succinctly stating that if she was not open to further conversation or not interested in continuing the convo she could decline to give the number, gives me the number but acts flaky and disinterested over calls.
Why the Bleep are you stressing me? Why tf do you not just decline at point of contact? What’s wrong with these babes!!!

I am in the streets and everybody dey see shege!!!

The last two weekends have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. In the last two weekends I have had three experiences with babes that really stood out. I’ve felt disgust, irritation, pain, anger, happiness etc.

Perhaps, I should start with the one still currently unfolding. It’s crazy that I feel this way and if it was a babe I really didn’t like the next step to take is pretty obvious. However, in this case I know what to do but I don’t want to do it because I like this babe and it will pain me a little. She also knows what to do but it will also pain her a little but if we both can’t move past this then one of us has to do it.

So, I met Aka couple months ago, we’ve been talking since then and it’s been good, very good actually. She’s smart, communicates, carries her work well, quite thoughtful, seems kind, smells nice and can pass for presentable. Have you seen her thighs too?

We met up for the first time at my end two weekends ago and it was a time well spent, I did enjoy her company. I made attempts at her but those were rebuffed and I played it cool. We also watched a couple of episodes of this trending Nigerian series, watched because of her. It was generally a good time and I didn’t hesitate to let her know how much I enjoyed spending time with her when she got home. She expressed the same opinion and we planned to meet up again the following weekend to finish up the movie, have me give her a full body massage and just have a great time. I proposed she stayed over for a night, she proposed two nights and boy! I looked forward to those two nights with so much glee, now I almost wished it didn’t happen. In fact, I told her if I could reverse it, I would.

How do you go to spend two nights at a guy’s place with all the innuendos and previous attempts made and expect not to have sex? And when you are clearly asked if you want it or not you ramble round the point.

The first night while in bed cuddled up, I tried to plant kisses and do light touches here and there I was met with a resistance and at a point pushed off. That left a sour taste in my mouth, I attributed it to tiredness and let her be till like 12pm the next day. Had a direct conversation with her about it, do you want to be touched or not I asked. I pride myself on having sexual control even though my sexual discipline, maybe shit. She asked what I wanted and what we were and I laid my cards bare, she mentioned not wanting to have sex for fun or a relationship based off sex. I asked again and again multiple times if she wanted to be touched or not and each time she rambled on and on.

My intention was simple, if she wasn’t down for sex and didn’t want to be touched, I would have asked her to leave. One night was already uncomfortable enough, I didn’t want to make it two but two it was and torture it was. Thinking that we’d gotten to a middle ground of some sort, we played some games and I made attempts again. This was when the teasing and manipulation started. I was a fool! How did I not clock it sooner? She’d resist and then give a little leeway. She’d kiss me intensely, stop and refuse to kiss me again. I’d try again and she’d kiss me but stop my hands when they start moving, then allow my hands roam when I try again. This was the sort of game she was playing with me, and here was I, a fool! Playing along, hoping we’d touch base at the end of the day.

Things got so intense at a point, I could feel her wetness on my fingers, she was fucking Hot, I was fucking Hot! All attempts for her shorts to come off were rebuffed, she refused to take them off and at a point I just stopped. I was livid! Her actions made me mad! But more than that I was mad at myself!

Mad that, I didn’t ensure that she answered the question instead of rambling.
Mad that, I didn’t ask her to leave earlier.
Mad that, the opportunity forgone to have her around wasn’t worth it.
Mad that I made multiple attempts at her.
Mad that, I made so much effort to have an enjoyable weekend that didn’t go as planned and left me feeling worse than I should be and even bleeped up my new week. I almost lost appetite for food the following day because it left a really sour taste in my mouth.

After I stopped that night, I left her alone went to have a bath, watched a couple of movies till I started to doze off, went to the bed and slept off. We barely said words to each other the next morning and our conversations have tanked from there.

I enjoyed the first time she was here better and I told her, this time everything felt like war, or a battle. Even plans I had of us going out didn’t materialize. She was too guarded, way too guarded and still refused to answer the goddamn question!!!

Asides the above we did other things, I sorted food throughout (cooked actually), watched movies, played games, had discussions etc. it was supposed to be fun, light and an escape but instead left a sour taste in the mouth of us both (She said it left a sour taste in her mouth too, that I was cold to her.)

I’ve had babes stay over and not have sex with them but the vibe was different. She was too guarded, way too guarded.

These days I ask babes directly if I can kiss them, if they want to have sex etc. It’s awkward, and feels very mechanical sometimes but I’m not about that life of convincing you to have sex with me, I am not about persuading you or begging you to have sex with me….nah nah nah.

I want you to want it as I want it and if you don’t, I tuck my tail and rest.

I sent Aka a message about it all, and she said I treated her coldly and that from my message all I wanted was sex. That sex was my foci point and she wasn’t about that, she wants an actual relationship or a friendship where boundaries were clear and established (already told her I wasn’t doing no friendship when we had the discussion at my place). She mentioned she also has a sour taste in her mouth (which I disagreed with her about). Sadly, I’m glad she has a sour taste in her mouth too. I shouldn’t be the only one whose feelings are hurt.

I don’t know how to walk us back to where we were or walk us forward to a better point because I am hurt, heady and want her to take some form of accountability for how it went while apologizing. She’s not going to do that because she’s heady, thinks I was cold towards her and that sex is the only thing I am after. We’ve only texted back and forth a couple of times, a call would actually go a long way to iron things out, because we’re both hurt but who’ll bell the cat? We’re both heady people, both big on self-respect and both practise the act of detachment. I know she expects me to take charge to broker the peace but I’m so hurt and not ready to put the hurt aside.

I’ve developed a likeness for her, she embodies certain qualities I like but I’m not convinced on dating as a whole yet but I know that’s what she wants. I know she likes me and she’s just looking out for herself because the street is bloody. I think she cried that night after I left her alone when I was livid. Looked at her in such a way and just left her.

I have thought about dating her and there are just three cons I spot so far:
• She’s quite heady – the kind of heady that refuses to bulge even when confronted with superior argument.
• She’s slightly hairy in places she shouldn’t be.
• Her younger sister is married! This screams pressure to me and I wouldn’t want any of that transferred to me, I am not ready to get married (part of why I avoid dating).

Cons she’d have dating me:
• I am not going to be accountable.
• I would most likely not be with her alone.
• I don’t throw the word love around and might not say it to her for monthsssssssss until I really feel that way.

Considering all this, this would be the best time to terminate this thing whatever it is but I LIKE HER!!!!!!!!! I ACTUALLY DO LIKE HER.

All I want right now is to be cuddled up with her, while pouring our hearts out and caressing each other’s skin, an intimate outpouring but if I tell her this, she’ll circle back to sex being the foci point.

Should I leave things to deteriorate or put that call through? Lord!

Anyways, another babe is coming to clear this hurt. Hopefully, nothing goes wrong.

Like I said the past two weekends have been a mix of emotions. Same two weekends ago, I was cat fished! Okay okay not cat fished. I was deceived.

What I ordered vs. what I got.

I ordered an angel, principalities and power showed up.

There’s this babe I’ve been talking to and from her pictures she looks good. Attractive, an okay height, pretty smile, good mannerisms etc. I proposed we meet up and she agreed. We fixed a meet.

The moment I saw her I froze for a second, who be this? AH! This cannot be the person I’m expecting! This cannot be the person I was cooking her favourite dish for. This is definitely not the babe whose picture I’d viewed multiple times.

A fat, dark skinned babe riddled with stretch marks from head to toe, decked in a disaster of a wig and scattered hair the moment she removed the wig. Tight shorts that accentuate a not so flat ass with visible dark patches at the back of her thighs. Like WTF!!! I was disgusted. I tried hard to hide my irritation to not make her feel some type of way but I really should make this type of babes feel a type of way. This is deception!!!

Her pictures depicted her as a light skinned, beautiful, size 12 maximum, appealing lady.
To compound my problems, my landlady and another tenant were outside when I ushered her in, I can imagine their disgust at me. What am I doing with a girl like this they must wonder?

Hiding my disgust, I engaged her and entertained her nonetheless, tried really hard not to say anything to affect her self-esteem.
Her body was gone gone, flabby, filled with large stretch marks, really big stomach. Omo!
I really just wanted to blast her for her deception because I was pained. WTF!!!!!
This babe even get mind dey think say we go fit date. Wow. Lofty dream.

There's more...

The delusions babes often have sometimes startles me. Lots of babes think their men need to spoil them with attention, gifts, money while they do nothing but just exist as soft princesses…ehen….A queen and more, princess of soft life. They don’t think of relationships as being a dual pathway of giving and receiving – attention, gifts, money, love, effort, time, and energy. For some, you’re the man so you must give, give, give and like parasites they’re there to take, take, and take. Every time they daydream about a relationship it’s one where the man is spending on them, they never think of what to reciprocate with asides sex that is. They are often quick to mention how love involves giving but they themselves never give/find it difficult to give in their relationships.

Keeping it on money, the moment a babe I’m dealing with tells me “her money is her money and my money is our money”, I go logout. It doesn’t make sense to me. How do you say I am your favourite person, I am your best friend, I am your this and that but you won’t spend money on me. If you don’t spend money on your favourite person, who are you spending it on? Chopping money is sweet irrespective of which genders money it is. I be soft boy abeg. I’m a proponent of making women invest their money in their dating relationships in the form of gifts and outings, not even by asking her but by she choosing to do so of her own volition. Why I go date babe wey no get doings

The worst part of it is babes who are waiting with their hands out, telling you that you’re stingy and you don’t want to spend money. Since, I have chosen not to spend, you that have, come and spend na…lol

There’s a couple of things to write about if I can get to it.
The thing with Aka
The one with Inka
The one with Ide.
Etc.

I used to think that I had self-discipline and control but the last couple of months have shown me that I only have self-control and no discipline, which is quite pathetic. Before these past couple of months, I had gone on a sexual activity break for about 11months. This break was involuntary and occasioned by a few things. It was during this break I realised that if I didn’t break out of my then lifestyle there was going to be nothing for me emotionally, intimately and sexually. At the time, the routine was work-home for that duration. The moment I settled whatever made me go on a sexual break, it felt like I became a loose cannon wanting to shoot at any and everything. Before the break, I was proud of everyone (but one) I had something to do with sexually and was also watching my body count. Then, I could say I had discipline but now…

A gross display of my lack of sexual discipline is displayed right up there, where I described what I ordered vs what I got. After such a terrible sight I saw, I still made an advance (just once *inserts emoji*) to have sex with this babe which she refused for xyz reason. Who does that? I kept asking myself after she left why I made an attempt when I clearly didn’t like and was irritated by this person. Is it as a means of conquest? Is it to pacify myself on time spent on her matter? Is it to just do ‘make e for no waste’? Why? Was it konji? Was the konji that bad? The answer was simple, indiscipline and ‘for the culture’.

This is also not the only scenario, this is probably just the worst of them all.

I have begun to clean up my antics and trying to walk my way back to the nature of the former years and it does seem difficult but necessary it is.

It doesn’t also help that I don’t have much of a social life and that my preferences are difficult to come by. My preference?
Smart/educated with a good sense of humour
Be presentable or preferably beautiful and put together, I like the skin, hair, nails, and fashion on fleek thing on your own income please.
No anger issues whether quick, short, bad or hot tempered
Kind and not unnecessarily stubborn.
Has her own income source and can comfortably take care of herself, if she has her own apartment that would be amazing.
Be a freak. A good-bad girl of some sort.
Lastly, she shouldn’t want a relationship. I know what it looks like but it’s what it is.

It’s already difficult to come by a person with the above, when you throw in physical attributes, it becomes a lot more difficult and with the no-relationship clause? I am shooting for the sun at this rate.

In this walk for sexual discipline, I’d be attempting to only move to people I’m attracted to physically first. Also, going to set a class standard where I only move to babes around my level – I didn’t used to think much of this but I would attempt to implement going forward.
Sexual-control as always is on lock, the idea of begging for sex/the tip has never sat well with me and I’m glad I’ve been able to maintain that one and not beg irrespective of the circumstance.

There’s a way I treat babes and perhaps that has to stop. I think I do too much. Typically, when a babe is at my place, I cook, serve the food, clear the dishes (if she doesn’t), do the dishes when she’s gone and still give transport fare (which I can’t comprehend why but I still do). The above happens whether or not sex occurred though there were times I withheld the last one.

I find these sort of things easy to do because I cook in bulk and there’s almost always food and drinks in the refrigerator. If there’s none, I whip up something light because they are my visitor and it’s probably their first time.

However, when it evolves to constant visits, I expect a change, I expect a contribution of some sort.

The first time Ide spent the weekend at my place, I handled everything –Meals, dishes, chops, chores and still gave transport etc. All she did was lay in bed all weekend, romps in the sheet, conversations and scrolling through social media. It registered in my head but I didn’t think much of it until same repeated itself in another visit where she spent two nights and it was the same pattern. I let it slide because at the time she said she was in a difficult space emotionally, mentally and needed a shoulder to cry on.

In subsequent visit, instead of doing things for her, I ask her to go do them herself e.g dishing her food, cooking her own food when she doesn’t want what’s available (noodles, fry eggs that sort of thing). She often refuses at first, citing being a visitor as her reason. However, when she sees I’m unwilling to budge she goes to sort it out.

Her most recent visit had me irritated, it was a weekend visit and I couldn’t wait for Monday morning so she could exit my space. She came in on a Friday night, we went out and had a semi good time. My irritation started the next morning when she asked what was for breakfast and I laid out all the options – tea, custard, soup, rice, noodles, eggs etc. Told her I was having custard for breakfast while she opted for noodles instead. Fresh pepper, onions and eggs were available so everywhere good. Imagine my surprise when she mentioned that I should go prep the meal for her. Ha! As per your chef. Lmao. Following my refusal, she went to the kitchen and prepared the disaster of a meal, left the plates unwashed after eating and left for work.

I washed the plates, prepared breakfast for myself and left for an engagement that didn’t see me return till late evening. Upon my return, I dropped what I brought and headed out to a mart to shop for groceries and stuff. About 20mins after my return from the grocery store, she returned. In fact, the bags from the shopping were still on the floor as I was too tired to arrange them immediately.

Tired we both were when she mentioned that she was hungry and asked what was for dinner, told her which soup it was and asked her to boil water for eba, before adding that she should make the eba. She refused vehemently, stating she was tired and reiterating that she was a visitor. Then proceeded to lie on the bed; my irritation grew. I arranged the groceries, defrosted the soup, prepared the eba, served it and called her to join. I no wicked like that -but would it have been wickedness if I didn’t prep any for her...

Ate a portion and left the remaining for her, then the complain about how there’s no meat in the soup, I pointed at the meat in the soup. She changed the complaint saying there was no fish in the soup for her and I’ve finished all the fish…WTF!

In the blink of an eye, she had finished all the soup left in the plate while eba was still left. She requested for more soup, told her the only option was for her to defrost some more soup. She wanted me to do it for her instead, I refused. She returned the soup bowl to the kitchen and left the plate with the remaining eba there on the table and went back to bed, I cleared it. I marvel at my patience sometimes.
Sunday morning, I prepared scrambled eggs and tea. Sometime during the day I light blasted her about how she couldn’t even make her own food, ordinary water to boil and noodles were a problem. Apparently, it got to her a little, she washed the cups and stuff I used in making the eggs.

She had informed me beforehand of 2 parties she had that Sunday and her intention to attend, I didn’t mind at all. This babe goes for the party and didn’t keep me in the loop until I asked if she had gotten there. She also didn’t loop me in of her return till past 10pm when she sends a message that she’s on her way back and doesn’t get home till past 12am. Turns out she didn’t even go to the party anymore, she gallivanted away with another of her friend to the club (found out afterwards). Not like her gallivanting was my business but I had to stay awake to open the gate for her.

She returned and apologised - which I didn’t bother to respond to - then mentioned that she was hungry. I just directed her to the pot –I’d prepared rice during the day- then slept off.

Monday morning I prepared for work, warmed the rice and stew, boiled some eggs and then packed each of us a plate. Guess what Ide says to me? “Breakfast nko?” Looked at her a certain way and told her to go make it herself. I still hand her some money for transport before we leave the house.

She seems to think she’s on a vacation or she’s a babygirl who should do nothing. This babe combs her wig all around the house and it’s never occured to her to sweep it off/gather it even after I mentioned it to her the last time. I would restrict her visits and stop her from spending the night. If she must spend the night rules would come into play.


Rereading this and it’s clear, I’m doing too much.

Why do people always expect a man to be the bigger person - especially women. A woman does something wrong or even insults you and everyone expects you to be the bigger person and let it go. No one cares if you’re emotionally hurt or if the action got to your marrow. As long as you’re the man, you’re expected to be the bigger person. Some even go as far as telling you, “that’s how women are”. Sadly, I am not a/the bigger person. I don’t know how to apologize to people who offend me first. When you do something wrong, I expect a discussion and an apology, I could even setup the discussion to let you know where you hurt me. However, should you choose to keep malice, insult me or avoid me, I will return the same energy in maximum fold.

The gag, however, is that you’ll be called names by the same people who were begging you to be the bigger person when you refuse to be. You, the victim, becomes the aggressor in their eyes for standing on business and defending yourself….nonsense.

These days, the statement “You’re a man na” begins to sound more and more irritating to hear depending on context. The moment that statement jumps out, an emotional manipulation, blackmail, cheating, silencing, miscarriage of justice etc is about to take place. Like the market woman who kept repeating “you be man, you be man” while reducing my vegetables.

Wow!!!!!!!
Between today and last month I've gone on 6 dates I think. 4 last month and 2 today.
Thus far, only one had me wanting more.
If I can find the time, I'll break some of them down.

One of the babes today was just it. She was just it.

Imagine me awake this early and what’s going through my head is my woman trouble. Sometime ago, Aka spotted something that suggested that I was seeing other women. She didn’t confront me about it but the conversation has come up and Aka is not having it. She’s sad, she feels a type of way and communication with me has tanked. It feels like she’s withdrawing and it’s messing with me. It’s messing with me because I really do like her. Heck! I’m in love with her. She’s the only one I’ve said that word to in the last two years.

I knew something like this was going to pop up, I had mentioned it as one of the cons she’ll have dating me. We are here now and navigating it is difficult not because I don’t know what to do or say but because I don’t want her to leave. If it was someone else, I know the exact things to say, the exact things to do, and wouldn’t care what followed. Why then can’t I take same steps for Aka? Because we have something beautiful going on, she has been nothing short of amazing, and I’ve been nothing short of awesomeness until now.

She had mentioned to me multiple times that cheating was a deal breaker for her but I’ve never said anything on how I didn’t subscribe to the idea of being with only one woman. Also, technically I’m not cheating because it’s a situationship but I don’t want to bring up that side of the conversation as it would be insensitive and only serve to hurt. Tbh, I should have asked her out and made things ‘official’ but I stalled as a result of that deal breaker, I am not ready to give up my other babes yet.

I am in a conundrum. I want to make things official, I don’t want her to leave but I also want to keep my other babes (who know I’m not going to date them) by the side. Whereas, she wants to be the only one in the picture. So, I’d have to cut off 2-3 other women for her?
Thoughts have been dancing in my head if it’s a fair exchange, 1 for 3? Plus accountability and my freedom?

I know the exact steps to take but my emotions are stopping me from moving in that direction, it’ll hurt me and hurt her. It’ll probably also set us apart if it’s as strong a deal breaker as she puts it and I don’t want us apart neither do I want her hurt.

However, I think it’s time to do what must be done. It’s time to tell her that I want a relationship with her but I am not going to be faithful. It’s going to be heart breaking, it’s going to be painful for us both but I’m not going to lie to her.
Irrespective of the outcome, would still send her a Christmas gift like I have in mind. I intend to give all my babes something for Christmas.

Oh btw, I and Ide have stopped communicating. I didn’t reply her messages on time because I was busy, I apologised for it but she threw a tantrum instead and deleted all messages she sent. Lol. I just left the chat at that point, person wey stand on one leg before.

Damn! This thing with Aka is driving me crazy! I miss her!

Or would the best thing be to tell her every babe is gone, tell her she’s the only one that matters and do my thing on the side hoping she doesn’t find out? This might just be the best way.

You know, she asked me if I wanted her to reciprocate what I did - see someone else that is. I said no I don't want her to reciprocate because I am selfish but that's not really an honest answer.
More than anything I'd prefer if she reciprocates. That should have been my answer to her but instead I said the above. Like I said, I know the correct answers but...

She said she was sure if she was the one who did what I did, we wouldn't be talking anymore. She's wrong, I would have been elated

I am doing the inverse of things I should be doing, by now I should've mentioned to her that I can't be with one woman alone but I've been tongue-tied on that.
I do hope I don't join the league of men who have made her scream men are scum multiple times.

Wow!

Been a minute!

I and Aka have been in a relationship for a minute now and sometimes I wonder if I should have asked her out. Aka is a sweet girl like I have reiterated multiple times but there are sides to her that have me ruminating and have been on my mind for a bit.

I listed the below qualities as things I wanted in my woman.

Decrypter:
Smart/educated with a good sense of humour
Be presentable or preferably beautiful and put together, I like the skin, hair, nails, and fashion on fleek thing on your own income please.
No anger issues whether quick, short, bad or hot tempered
Kind and not unnecessarily stubborn.
Has her own income source and can comfortably take care of herself, if she has her own apartment that would be amazing.
Be a freak. A good-bad girl of some sort.

Aka is smart/educated. She's presentable but has no style. Hair gets done from time to time, nails, lashes and fashion she doesn't really do. I feel like she could be tempered but controls her anger and tries not to show it or act on it.
She's kind , has some stubbornness.
Can take care of herself but doesn't have her own space. Her job provided accommodation on the premises.
She's not a freak or pretends not to be, almost tending to being prude.

If I was to score this, she'd score 5 out of 9, that's an average score. Why then did I ask her out? Cos she was sweet.
What were the sweet things she did? Always brought stuff when coming to see me - mostly food. Her gifts, cake and cooking during my birthday which coincided with when a certain exam result, which she took and did well in was released. I gave emotional and financial support towards the success of the exam which happened last year. She’s also given materials to prepare for the same exam and is probably saving me a card (which she could sell) to write the exam.

Recently though, I've been micro scoping Aka and there are certain places where she falls short and/or has a different stance. I have been thinking about it a lot and I don't like that I am, it's unhealthy. However, certain things need to change either on my end or hers.

Gender Roles:
Thus far in our relationship I have moved like a modern-traditional man so to speak. I have cooked, served, done the dishes, given gifts, given money, loved, massaged etc. I suspected though, that Aka wasn't moving that way (traditional women). There was always this friction, some form of a silent power tussle. An issue we had recently, brought it to the fore and confirmed to me that she saw us as partners. Partners? Can you imagine? Oh! What nonsense have I been doing then? Technically means she saw us as equals. She even went further to say, she wanted us to relate as mates, that it makes her freer. Who’s her mate ehn? It’s is pretty ironic coming from my babe who once said she could only date people above her level – this statement rubbed me off the wrong way when she said it early on, even before our relationship, but it was a realistic statement. You then meet someone who’s “above your level” and you want to relate as mates and be able to say and do whatever you like? Nah, won’t fly with me.

What were the things I observed?
When she’s at my place through the weekend, she seems to never want to do nothing – not clean, not cook. I have spoken to her about this both directly and indirectly but it doesn’t seem to be working especially cooking.
Also, the way she’s spoken to me a few times tells me that she either perceives me poorly or just doesn’t care about how she sounds because we are supposed to be “mates”. How my babe go dey tell me “Come and sweep this thing”. “Sweep this thing before I come out of the bathroom” ehn! Shey my ear dey pain me ni? LMAO. As how? Of course, I didn’t do it. Or her telling me to go and cook for her, something she’s supposed to be the one doing. There are others too. There’s a stereotype that women from her axis are often masculine but I am not one to care for stereotypes. However, when I juxtapose that with the fact she has a little testosterone, leads a department at work and her attitude…..
I spoke to her about this and she said she didn’t mean it that way that maybe I might have misconstrued her when those things happened and she’ll improve.

TBH, the cooking gets to me the most because it just doesn’t make sense. I am not even talking about making food for me for the whole month yet, just the weekend we are together. In order to further confirm this, on two or three weekends I didn’t cook nothing and on such weekends we ate out all through, no single suggestion from her on cooking or whipping up something.
I think there’s something she has against acts of service to a man or men perhaps. When she goes to her sister’s she cooks, when she goes home she does, but when she comes to see me it’s a vacation. Does this mean she hasn’t cooked for me? No she has but it’s been a while. I want it whenever she’s around and there’s no food – often there is because I bulk cook but if there’s none I want her to offer to make something.

I think I am also a problem. I do too much. Just like with Ide up above, my modus operandi has changed now though.
I have invited Aka for the weekend, it’s the last check before I port to plan B. I didn’t bulk cook this month been eating out all through, spoken to Aka both directly and indirectly about cooking for me but she’s parried it and encouraged me to try cooking. If she comes through and it’s the same pattern of resting all through which she seems to have already mentioned and we still have to eat out and there’s no mention of cooking, I move to plan B.

What’s plan B?
Plan B is where we become partners. Aka often likes to refer to herself as a visitor, I have reiterated multiple times that she’s not a visitor but she likes the tag both for humor and otherwise. Well, in plan B she becomes a visitor. I’ll host her like a visitor but it’ll be for a day no more weekends. Come in the morning, leave by evening, you’ll be properly served. I would begin to pay her visits, she can choose anywhere she prefers to host me, partners yeah? Gifts would take a nose dive. I gave gifts in December, February and would do same this month, gotten the gifts already. We’ll begin to split bills for events we are attending together – we have one this weekend. Transport fares (even if I don’t give it often) would disappear because I don’t understand the rationale for that sef (I do sha).
The weekend would decide. Should plan B come into play, it would shake us a bit but then it would bring clarity on what path she really wants to take.

Weight:
This is another thing that’s slowly changing. My babe is adding weight!!! The weight is beautiful to see in certain places but the stomach is increasing too and that is my worry. I prefer her former stature, it was proportional and most importantly the stomach was almost flat – She could body crop tops but now…
I’d mentioned to her even before we started dating that fat babes aren’t my go to especially for dating. The max I can go is probably a size 10 for average height babes and a size 12 for tall babes.
She said that her folks have mentioned the weight gain and she can also tell that she’s put on weight. I don’t want to pile on that so she doesn’t feel under pressure. I have mentioned squats, walking and dieting as a way to tackle weight gain but she’s said she’s not ready yet. My worry is that she’s going to put on more weight because she hasn’t made any change to her diet or lifestyle.
I am fit and take my fitness seriously and would like my babe to be fit and trim.

Sex:
Aka believes in aura for aura.
I have tried to explain to her that there are places where I’ll fall short and she’ll make it up and places where she’ll fall short and I’ll make it up, some ying-yang thing. However, I don’t think she bought it, she probably thinks I am saying it to evade doing certain things.
Aka has some ‘escape-prudish’ tendencies, she can be docile sometimes, restrictive with movements during sex. She doesn’t want to give head not because she can’t but because I won’t give her one. She forgets that she doesn’t like a particular position that I like and I’ve compromised for her.
This ‘escape-prudish’ tendencies makes me not want to flirt and makes me keep the freaky side of me. However, I feel like deep down in her she wants to be freaky but wants me to beg, cajole, sugar talk her into it and that’s not my pattern..
I shall deliver aura for aura after this weekend, docility, single position and she doing the work shall be my mantra.

I have also have my own shortcomings that get to her:
• I am very rigid!!! She has said this a couple of times. I am not romantic. Sadly, I am practical but I probably don’t understand romance. I would’ve thought that giving gifts, cooking and the likes would count as romance but it seems there’s a different form of romance she has in mind and I am not adapted for such. She also said she has requested me to do stuff for her sometimes and I refused and she had to do them herself. She’s right, but those were gender based stuff and she didn’t request properly. Why you go dey send me message like say I be your subordinate for work.
• I would not give her head!! I am not giving head. She has talked about this a couple of times. I haven’t given anyone head and I am not about to start now. I’ll please her in multiple other ways including using a toy (recently got one) if she’s open to it but I am not putting my mouth there. In her usual aura for aura mantra she has scarcely given me head. She sent me a post one time from social media about men who don’t give head but want to be given head and I told her I had a thousand ways to decimate that argument. She asked that I go ahead but I didn’t because I was protecting her feelings somewhat. Under plan B, and aura for aura, she would either have to give head or do the position else…
• Lastly, I am not vocally expressive about feelings. Aka wants to be serenaded with sweet words, she wants to hear compliments, and me singing “I love you” to her like a tune. She wants to hear it morning, afternoon and night and I am very very stiff lipped. I show it but she wants me to keep saying it as much as I show it.
I think these are the ones I can point to for us both and she might have some more to add but I guess I’ll find out as we go along. I feel like I am forgetting a few things and I’ll add them as I remember.
While typing this, her message came in and she’s excited for the weekend, she’s excited to come see her man. Whereas, her man is here typing an epistle containing a breakpoint that could change their relationship dynamics, I almost feel guilty.

Relationships come with expectations and one of the questions I asked Aka multiple times was, what her expectations from me were? She always parried this question.

I also messed up, I should have asked what sort of relationship she wanted to have. She was thinking of us as partners and I was already acting both modern and traditional man role together, who send me? The outcome of this weekend would determine my position going forward.
Cheers to the freaking weekend.

We didn't even make it past the weekend.

She: Decrypt33r, I am leaving.

Me: You're leaving?

She: Yes

Me: Ok.

Decrypter:
We’re both heady people, both big on self-respect and both practise the act of detachment.

This comes to mind again.

The weekend was supposed to be a chill and fun one, even though it was also a check for my babe but things didn’t go as planned.

I know I’ve been a little bit mechanical/standoff-ish towards Aka in the last week or two for reasons earlier stated and it’s likely that she perceived it. However, I had exhibited no such thing this weekend. How then did things nosedive?

The event we had was for Friday and I had gotten tickets for us both. However, I made a big mistake! Instead of checking to confirm where the venue was going to be, I had assumed it was the usual venue and had made plans with Aka using that venue. She was to stay with a friend very close to that venue and leave her bags with her and we’d retrieve the bags when leaving the venue. Alternatively, Aka suggested coming to my ends first and then we head out together for the event, but it would have been too stressful. While she didn’t mind the stress, it would have altered my other plans because I would have had to go home first to give her the keys and all the other places/logistics I needed for the weekend would have had to wait till the next day.

I left work around 6pm, stopped around the area to get some money, got stuff from a mart, went to get fuel, went to get the last gift, headed to another mart, then went to get a haircut, then to buy food for dinner and I headed home. I had hoped to be off to the venue by 10pm, unfortunately I was just getting home at about 10:30pm. I had kept her in the loop though I knew she was tired of where she was and would have loved to come to mine instead.

Anyways, I arranged the stuff bought, freshened up, ate the food bought halfway and packed up the rest to be taken with me – I was rushing because I had kept babe waiting a while and my appetite wasn’t there anymore knowing she was waiting. I was about to book a ride when I realized that the venue’s address was different. I checked and cross-checked and it was different. I immediately reached out to my babe stated the mistake, and apologized while putting plans in motion to rectify the situation. The difference in distance was probably 10-15mins. I booked a ride and headed out to pick her up and proceeded to the actual venue.

On my way, she mentioned that she was going to be out waiting for us once I notified her that we were past a particular place because we didn’t know the area. Once, we were past the area, I notified her but she wasn’t out yet, though she spotted us. We got someplace parked and lurked before she came out with the friend. When she approached to enter the car, I mentioned to her twice that she was supposed to be out waiting for us and how we didn’t know this area. I think that rubbed her off the wrong because she went quiet and started fiddling with her phone and even when I apologized again and was trying to explain how the mistake with the venues occured, she wasn’t listening.

I stopped the explanation midway and started teasing and playing with her. She loosened up and we were in a good place by the time we alighted at the venue. We got in, I found someone to secure the bags and off we went to have what, I, at the time thought, was going to be a good time.

I got cups, served the drinks and the music was manageable. I mutter something to her hearing and then she responds saying “avoid me”. As a joke, I move a few metres away from where she is, she walks up to me and then whispers that I am still too close and then I move really far. I moved away from sight and circled back to a spot where I could watch her from but she couldn’t see me and stayed there for a while. I spotted her many times scanning for me but she was unable to spot me. I returned after about maybe 15 – 20mins with a drink and laughed at her asking her not to stress her neck from too much stretching. She seemed upset. I offered her the drink and she asked what it was, I told her to take a sip to find out but she dismissively said she wasn’t interested. I carried my drink and moved beside her and that was it.

We didn’t converse anymore until the end of the event. I retrieved the bags at the end of the event, booked our ride and off we went home, there was no convo on the way home either.

Got home, we both freshened up separately and off to bed we went, me before her. She came to bed and curled up at a corner, I beckoned to her to come close but she said she was okay where she was.

Morning came, we exchanged greetings and I told her bread was available for breakfast.
No more conversation ensued between us until she stated that she was leaving.
Which was a good choice to be honest because I had the same thought in mind. The only difference was I going to wait till night and ask her to leave the next morning if there were no conversations between us.

Anyways, following my “fire and forget principle” I handed her the gifts I got her and bidded her farewell. Even the handing off didn’t come without its own drama. She wanted to open the bag indoors to check what it was. I wasn’t going to allow that, it’s either you take and go with it or you forget about it. I asked her if she wasn’t going to take it and then she took it, said thanks and left.
I waited a couple of hours for her to reach out that she’d arrived safely but she didn’t and I sent a message asking if she had. That was left unanswered for hours until she responded.

I woke up to a short thank you message this morning which I responded curtly to. She called me a couple of hours after but we were unable to talk because I was in transit.
In all of this, I still cannot fathom what the issue is but this is the time to set things straight and decide if a breakup is better for us than continuing together.
She’s a sweet girl still, she brought me some stew.
Time to call her back.

Settled with Aka, returned her call and she stated that my disappearance made her feel hurt uncomfortable and sad. I stated that the disappearance was a joke which she started how then did she take offence to it? Even if she took offence to it, I called her while we were in bed to discuss it and she refused. After a lot of back and forth, she apologised and I did too. I also scheduled a physical meet at a venue so we can extensively discuss our relationship. I sent a couple of questions over, she answered and we discussed the answers during our meet. I also brought up the things I listed above except weight and we discussed them extensively.

Aka often says, “Aura for aura” and “We all know what we are doing”. I had always thought the sayings were for me but after the physical meet, I realise the sayings applied to her in totality. I wasn’t dealing with her from an aura for aura standpoint but I will henceforth. Also, all the while she knew what she had been doing! Her not doing ‘anything’ when she came around was on purpose! After all, I’ll do it or perhaps it wasn’t important to me. Also, she lied on the sex positioning thing, it wasn’t a pain in the waist. She just had a sort of “prudish” attitude to it. Personally, I think she sees it as a very dominating position and she doesn’t want to be ‘dominated’.

So, while I was being sweet, caring, thinking of how to make my babe happier, and doing more, she was okay with just “coasting” along.
From the discussions, she wanted us to spend more time together, wants me express love verbally. She said I have invalidated her feelings a few times when we had disagreements. I’ve told her I’ll make amends.

On my end, she has said she’ll begin to cook and do chores. She’ll also improve on the positioning and head would come into play consistently. I got the concessions I wanted but I guess I’ll see what happens and how long it last.

However, that meet has shown me that I need to make her invest more, I think I have been carried away and gone on a spree in Feb and March. I am dialing it back, no gifts anymore for a while, no outings either. Any outings, would have to be very cheap. I’ll also make her pay for a few stuff. In response to my questions, she mentioned she didn’t want a relationship where anyone held back but she was holding back – in expression, in sex, in service. All which I pointed out to her. I guess we’ll see how things go moving forward.
The things I did in Feb and March for my babes was financial recklessness for my 9-5 salary.
I need to find a new situationship by the side. I have dropped Ika somewhat. Kemi has been flaky for a while now but she still shows up. I need a new person.

When I met Aka, one of my deal breakers was a quick tempered person, I suspect Aka might be quick tempered but controls it well. One of her deal breakers is any form of cheating. We are violating each other’s deal breakers so to speak.
I strongly suspect Aka has issues with acts of service to men and I said this to her and she confirmed it to be true. Bourne out of trauma perhaps.

Anyways, all issues discussed and trashed out, if there’s no improvement, I’ll just adjust accordingly. In fact, I am adjusting already.
Bulk cooked yesterday, about four different things, the fifth was supposed to be pepper soup but I’ll get to that today.
It’s crazy how Aka talked about wanting partnership but never thought of financial partnership. Lol.

As humans, economics has taught us that our wants are insatiable and I really and truly believe this. It’s practical and shows up in our everyday life.

My relationship with Aka has been smooth thus far and I am even preparing for her birthday.

Growing up, I often avoided relationships and that’s why I have only been in two with Aka being the second. I had a myriad of reasons I avoided it, a ton of them actually. Two of which are:
- If I’m not looking to get married, what’s the need for a relationship?
- Relationship are restrictive, stressful and demanding.
The first one has always been in my head and a conversation with Aka between yesterday and this morning has reminded me again of the second.

To answer the first, relationships provide companionship and companionship is an integral part of human nature. However, relationships often have an end goal for most people which is to get married, raise kids and be a family. If that’s not my current end goal, isn’t it better to avoid a relationship or find someone who shares the same sentiment as me? Well, that’s what I have often done – avoid relationships as a whole or state it from the get go that while I want a relationship, I am not looking to get married just yet. I stated the above to my ex and current to avoid claims of “you wasted my time”. Heck, I broke off the last with the ex because I was starting to feel the “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” and other statements of that sort becoming more frequent. I wasn’t ready but I knew she was and I knew she wanted it so much even though she denied wanting it as much and even said it wasn’t a biggie. She got married about a year ago and the amount of times she has posted and reposted the wedding, her dress and all those shenanigan is enough to tell me that I was right and she really wanted it. I did her a favour by breaking the relationship off but at the time she couldn’t see it and resented me for it. I might have to do Aka the same favour.

For me and Aka, I thought it won’t matter because she had plans to leave the country and things would just naturally dip when she left especially because I am not a fan of long distance. However, that plan has hit a stumbling block and might not be revisited anytime soon.
Aka’s birthday is coming up and I know birthday blues would hit alongside some recent happenings. She’ll have to introspect and I wonder if marriage and settling down talks would come up either directly or subtly. Early on in this diary I stated that one of the cons of dating Aka would be ‘’settling down” pressure. At the time her younger sister was married, and now her elder sister’s marriage/wedding is currently in the works. When that of the elder sister is done, eyes would naturally fall to her and here she is with a guy who isn’t ready and wouldn’t be in a while. Well, I guess we will see. In the meantime, I shall continue to love on her and have a proper conversation when the time comes.

About the second, relationships are a lot of work and it can get tiring putting in the work especially because human wants are insatiable and the more you do, the more the person wants. The issue of not being romantic came up again in our conversation between yesterday and today.
The things she listed include:
- Checking in while at work.
- Calling on voice and video and how one time I asked her why she wants to see my face
- Constant reminder on why she’s special, morning texts, notes
- Using the love word etc

I will address them one after another starting with the first.

Personally, I think that I and Aka over communicate. We are always texting and exchanging VNs back to back through the day from morning when I wake till evening when I retire for the day. Up above in this diary, I stated that one of my cons would be unaccountability to her but it’s been largely the opposite. She knows when I leave home, when I am out exercising, when I get to the bus stop, when I get a vehicle, when I get to work, when I close, when I get a vehicle home, when I am home, how work went, dinner plans, cooking plans etc. All these conveyed through texts and VNs every single day. Since we got to know each other, I doubt we’ve gone a day without communicating. She mentioned wanting me to check in while at work but I know that’s not what she really means because I do check in while at work around 65% of the time and go totally radio silent at work for about 35% of the time. However, the check-ins are brief to respond to pending messages and that’s not what she wants, she doesn’t want me to just reply and disappear. She wants me to keep replying back and forth as is our norm.

I can text during work hours when I am free but I don’t want to because we over communicate as it is and on some days it feels like pressure and work is my breather. My preference would have been to let me be during the day and we talk once at night but that’s not enough for her. So you see, freedom restricted. Anyways, told her there’s nothing to do about work check-ins, the status quo remains. We can always talk before and after work but don’t expect check-ins or responses at work hours. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen but don’t expect it. If there’s an emergency put a call through.

Imagine morning, evening check-ins not being enough but that’s how humans are wired, when we get what we want, we ask for more. If I begin to do morning, afternoon and evening check-ins, she’ll still ask for more, that more might become frequency of messages etc there’ll always be something.

For the second, our calls are not frequent. Our communication style have mostly been texts and voicenotes, calls are not frequent and video calls are seldom. The frequency of calls vary from none at all to 2/3 in a week. I do agree that it’s low but that’s because we are over communicating! I can’t send all these texts, all these gazillion vns and still call, wetin happen? It’s a lot, stressful and the calls are not short calls! We’ll be on call for 30mins to 2hours or even more. Also, for calls I like to concentrate, which means for that timeframe I am doing almost nothing else that requires concentration aside from talking to you. The same applies for video calls. These things have to be regulated somewhat, there are times when I don’t want to talk or chat, I just want to be. I can’t tell her some of these things because they’ll hurt or come across as me not wanting to communicate. Anyways, I told her I’ll improve and do better with calls.

For the third, I write notes, sweet messages and the likes but they’ve been mostly tied to occasions like birthday, valentine, hitting a milestone etc I need to do better in that regard.

Lastly, using the love word. I have said this word more times to Aka then I have ever said it in my life before meeting Aka. Still, I don’t feel comfortable saying it. This was one of the things I listed as my shortcomings early on in this diary. I and Aka come from two different worlds. She’s used to using the love word. She uses it loosely, uses it with female friends, her sisters, her nephews and co. On the other hand, I hardly even say the word. Before Aka, I could count how many times I had said it, to whom I’d said it etc. I will have to say it more often but I also know it’ll mean less to me. The more I repeat it, the more it becomes just another word.

On Aka’s, former shortcomings she’s improved a lot but her “aura for aura” mantra still lives on subtly. Also, I told her I’d not request for her to give me head any more. I did that because after all my explanation and what not, she was still insinuating I give her head. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have told her I’d not request anymore but I did and I’ll live by that. I also need to match that aura somewhere else.
I got on a weight program recently to drop some weight but mostly to motivate my babe to lose weight. She did join and has been trying, thus far, there have been changes. She’s not there yet but I’m glad she’s improved and is taking it seriously. Following my inputs, she’s made changes to her diet and lifestyle.

It’s funny that I thought my babe was a size 12 even with the weight she put on until I checked what her waist and hip size was and compared against what that of a size 12 should be, I screamed! My babe was already at a size 16. No way!!!

I decided to go on another weight loss journey and the target was to lose 10kg in 2months. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy target. I have just one week left to the completion of the 2months target and thus far I have lost 7+Kg. I doubt I’ll be able to lose 2+kg in one week but I’m fine with an 8Kg+ or above loss.

It’s been a tough ride and I can’t wait for it to terminate next week. I have really dropped and can’t wait to see my folks exclaim when they see me. I wasn’t overweight but I decided to lose some fat and then bulk up again. I could also have gone slowly but I prefer the fast and drastic method to going much slower. My program was simply - dieting and exercise.

For dieting, I reduced my food intake to once a day (that’s dinner) and supplemented with fruits and eggs during the day. I avoided junks in totality and even reduced my sugar consumption. It was harddddddd and on one or two occasions, I had to eat small chin chin here and there.
I took up walking as a major exercise. I was walking an average of about 2hours daily, 1 hour in the morning, 30mins in evening and another 30mins for walks taken during day to day activities. In the second month, I incorporated jogging occasionally and also started hitting the gym to lift weights like twice a week. On some Satudays, I take extended evening or morning walks for 2-3hours.

I gave a similar program to Aka and while she hasn’t been as consistent as I, she’s doing okay. She’s cut out sugar, drinks, junks and eats once or twice a day. She’s also been exercising from time to time by walking and skipping. We are in a good place.

Lastly, Aka’s Birthday is coming up and I have a plan in mind. I also have a budget in my head and it’s clear that my budget cannot finance my plan. I’ll have to either cut out a lot of things from the plan or raise my budget significantly.
The four phase plan include:
1. A gift: A pair of heels.
2. Selfcare: Have her get a pedicure, make her hair, fix her nails, lashes and some makeup.
3. Take her on a restaurant date.
4. Take her to a party.

I will have to settle for one or two of the above.

Cost Implications:
The first could cost between 20-30k
The second between 50-70k
The third between 50-60k
The last between 40-50k

In all of these, my budget is 50-60k. I have already committed some money to the last option. Looks like the first and last option would have to do. Perhaps, add a perfume to the heels. Another option is to just send her the money, personally, I think that works. However, that’s not romantic. The best would have been to do all but……..

This month is pretty packed, two family members have their birthdays coming and rent is also due…Lord take the wheels.

Decrypter:
Oh btw, I and Ide have stopped communicating. I didn’t reply her messages on time because I was busy, I apologised for it but she threw a tantrum instead and deleted all messages she sent. Lol. I just left the chat at that point, person wey stand on one leg before.

What are the odds of two babes I had a thing with last year reaching out to me on the same week! Is it a setup?

One of them was Ide, talked about her in one of the entries above. I reread the entry on Ide and lord! I allowed her get away with too much before cautioning her. I give too much grace sometimes. After, she threw the above tantrum, our conversation nosedived. We didn't communicate anymore until she reached out some time in December last year, asking that I help her purchase and send a particular type of sunscreen I had gotten for her as a gift. The chats were short and curt but I did help (too much grace ). There's been no convo after that until she showed up this week with a sticker on WhatsApp, trying to be playful but I don't play like that. If you offend or disrespect me, you must apologise before we can play! I told her to offer a proper apology but instead she asked why I felt I needed an apology when there was no bad blood between us. I went on to say her actions (how we parted) were disrespectful which she disagreed with. I wasn't about to have a back and forth when I already knew she was in my dm to make a request. So I asked, "What can I do for you?"

Guess what she reached out for? She has exams back to back and needs a place to stay for 2-3days.
Well, you already know my response to a request like that, there's no space for disrespectful bitches.
I told her I'm unable to assist.
She responds and says "You won't hate me forever, you'll get over it".
I respond and say "I don't hate you, there's no reason to. Enjoy."

She proceeds to drop one sticker and two other messages to be playful but those I didn't bother to respond to. I had indulged her enough, she did mention that I was hostile but that's because she doesn't know what my hostility looks like, what she saw was indifference.
I guess that brings an end to her chapter except she gives a proper apology with a bottle of wine. Nonsense.

The second babe who reached out did so this morning via a call. The last time we communicated was in October last year. She was the one who ended our convo, even the job links I sent to her then, were never responded to. I got the message and moved ahead gladly.

You can imagine my surprise when I saw the number. I was very curt, stiff lipped and tending towards dismissive over the call.

She: Good morning
Me: Good morning, yes.
She: Do you still have our chat on your phone?
Me: What do you need? *while wondering wtf kind of request this is*
She: I have deleted our chats, do you still have it on your phone, so you can screen record for me
Me: What do you need?

Call drops

She's not serious.


I mentioned in an entry above, that I dropped Ika and that Kemi has been flaky. Well, some 2months ago or so Kemi told me she was going on a celibacy journey. I know the celibacy journey is bullshit but I respect it. We still chit-chat but that's a babe gone. As it stands, I'm only with my babe, Aka.
I also stated in an earlier entry that I was looking for a new situationship but I haven't been actively looking. Perhaps, I should stop looking at all?

Who no gree see signs go see wonders!
When I discuss the subject of men with friends or in groups, I’ve often mentioned that men are largely stupid when it involves women especially Nigerian men. The kind of upbringing we have forces a certain conditioning upon you where your ego is very strongly tied to money and provision. Also, as most men get richer the ego blossoms and now they can’t afford to let anything dent that ego.

I’m not going to say the ego battle is an easy one, never, it isn’t. However, one must know where to draw the line. The richer men get the more they hate rejection and a no from a woman can hurt so much that you begin spiral and do things you shouldn’t. This is why one must learn to take a no, chest the dent and move on. It’s not easy but one must learn.

Currently reading a diary and can’t believe the things I am reading but considering he’s a Naija man it’s totally expected. Naija men have a knack for going out of their way for babes who have no affection for them. The typical naija well to do guy dates from the reverse, quick to show he’s got the cash to spend rather than vetting who he wants to be with.


The things I’m reading are insane, he’ll say love drove him but I think desperation, pressure coupled with sunk cost fallacy did. If I had to place a bet, I’ll say the guy is Igbo and the girl is too. If my brother does anything like this, I will take him to a private home and whip him to sanity. Naija men need to learn to vet women rigorously and make sure that they’re adding value to your relationship. This idea of “I am the man, she doesn’t need to contribute or do nothing” is balderdash. It doesn’t matter what you earn, your woman has to add significant value to the relationship one way or another.

How’re you with a woman with nasty character, who wouldn’t cook for you or sees it as slavish, gives nothing but keeps taking and taking, billing and billing, doesn’t give two bleeps about your family or your situation, kept giving conditions for something she’s not paying for, gave you nothing for your birthday while you moved the earth for her and it doesn’t even stop here o. LMAO.

Even if babe use juju for me, e no go work.


I can’t even blame the babe, she warned him multiply times, told him to his face. Such disrespect! I respect it.
When people say what/who they are, I take it and check if it works for me. Some babes would tell you that they’re stubborn and they’re goats, but knights in a shining armor always there to catch a beautiful crazy damsel in distress. Me? I’ll give you space.

Some would tell you of their anger issue/madness, I give them more space.

How can I see a queen and more in a woman with bad character, gross disrespect, insatiable quest for material thing, no atom of care etc. Taah! Tufia!


Nah, this guy is probably ragebaiting me with this story because………..this is definitely not love in any way, shape or form.

Naija men, “Anything my woman wants, she gets”, for a woman that isn’t doing nothing for them. Tueh!

“To know if an Igbo man is rich, look at his wife and children. He might be wearing rags but the wife and children would be adorned the best”. I hate the above statement so much.

Once you jam a very rabid feminist on twitter or facebook, check well , she’s an igbo babe. When you jam this kind of mumu spending, jazz like stories, it’s an igbo man.

A lot of men like suffering in the name of love. Sadly, somewhere in his heart is still a tiny flame for this babe, if she comes back again in some years time, he’ll fall like a pack of cards.

Often times, we hear of the desperation of women to get married, what isn’t spoken about a lot is the desperation of men to get married too at a certain age bracket. When this desperation hits, the taxi-cab theory becomes real. They hitch it with the next person who appeals to them just enough, playing it carefully, cautiously and over-compensating just so the person doesn’t run away or refuse.
We can often see the reality of things but choose to live in delusion. Reality would always smack you in the face.

Some people would curse the girl in the above post, swear at her, call for karma etc but nothing might happen to her because life isn’t Nollywood. She might even meet a bigger maga courtesy of all the doings (pictures, videos, gifts) of the old nigga that she’s been flaunting on her snapchat.

God!!!!

Nothing makes me come alive like music. Music is my bleeping drug.
Give me a good DJ, Give me a dance floor and watch me go insane.



That's why it's easier for me to pay for tickets to a concert: where I have to stand, sing along and dance than spend same money in a restaurant.

What are the odds of having same title with another person's diary?
Got to change that.

Yayi!!!!!!!!!
It’s the end of the month and yes I pulled it all off bar two things which will get sorted tomorrow with October budget. Salary dey enter, salary dey finish.
My budget for Aka’s birthday was 50-60k as I stated above but I knew that the only way that could work was if I cut down on the things I wanted to do. Anyways Aka had a blast and I spent double the budget. I had her go get her hair, nails and lashes done – manicure and pedicure took a backseat. We also attended a ticketed event where we had a time –tickets, food, drinks and transport all covered. Interestingly, Aka offered to cover our ride back home but I told her not to worry, it’s her birthday. That was considerate and kind of her, she probably thought I had spent a sum (in total I did). That’s the kind of babe you date! Not the ones who want to see you crumble and show you no kindness and/or consideration.

Monday morning before we head out, I hand her a gift. I changed my mind about giving her a pair of heels. I opted for skincare products, a perfume and a corporate dress instead. Of course, she was very appreciative.

I’ve gone above my limit this month and should pipe low next month but I have 3-4 ticketed events to be at next month. I intend to drive cost significantly low next month, as such I’ll be doing them alone. I also need to cut amount spent on food and be more prudent with spending for next month. In the spirit of being prudent, I shouldn’t be attending the 3-4 events for next month but then………..

scratch that, let's make it 5 events

I said five events? Make that 6! This one is a religious event but it counts nonetheless.

Apparently, today is boyfriend’s day. Normally, I don’t care for these things: Valentine, birthday, anniversaries etc. My ex and a couple of friends (females) are the ones who made me begin to care about them. Left for me, I’d rather not bother. Now, Aka has added boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s day to my wahala. Girlfriend’s day was a couple of months ago and Aka started reminding me about it before the day. I looked it up and turns out it’s supposed to be a day for women to celebrate each other but somehow it has become a romantic celebration too. The origin of most holidays have deviated from what they used to be and now a lot of them have romantic undertones.

I and Aka had a friendly back and forth about the girlfriends day thing. As a compromise, I sent her a short note celebrating her (which she has described as boring) on WhatsApp. There’s already a lot on my plate to start adding boyfriend and girlfriend day please - Birthdays, Anniversaries, Valentines etc. These many things can be overwhelming sometimes. However, if a note suffices then that’s workable, I can do that even if it’s tagged boring. Not acknowledging the day is the better option though because in due time other things begin to creep in asides notes.

For boyfriend’s day Aka wrote me a long sweet note on WhatsApp showing gratitude and appreciation for memories, things I’ve done and standing by her – sweet note. She also made this short video collage using our pictures. I had plans to do something like that with pictures and videos from valentine but never really got to it. Sweet girl she is. Sometimes I think she really wants that whole burning flame, social media-ish, dreamy kind of romance but my rigidity just scatters it. However, like she acknowledges in the note, I’m handy and more solution driven than building castles in the air with words. However, in certain situations the yearnings for those words trump even practicality. Why not do all, ehn? I am just a boy please.

During the course of our chat from the above note she sent, Aka’s aura for aura came to the fore yet again. I don’t like it but at this point, I respect it. Self-preservation and watching out for yourself. I need to modify pattern.

I just had somewhat of a miserable weekend.

As much as Aka is a sweet person and we have something good going on, we also have a compatibility mismatch in how we process stuff, there’s also a mismatch with how she renders “acts of service”. This weekend was supposed to be an enjoyable one, it was supposed to be celebratory even. Aka has been looking to move jobs for a while. She’s been searching, applying, interviewing and she recently received a beautiful offer. It was supposed to be a happy weekend but somehow we spent the first 6-7hours happy and the remaining 32hours miserable, exchanging monosyllabic words.

This isn’t the first time it’s happening, it’s about the third time I think. We’re having a good time and suddenly my babe says or does something that just sends the mood nose-diving. At this point, I almost think it’s a purposeful act, something to put me at arm’s length for a while?

My sleep between last night and this morning was so off, I couldn’t sleep well, kept waking at intervals.

How did the situation deteriorate? We were discussing her current workplace and how the director said he wasn’t impressed with her department’s effort while I was lying on her. She explained what the director said and I said I see his perspective. The director not being impressed wasn’t their fault, but I definitely see his perspective and I tried to explain it to her but she saw it as supporting the director and went silent instantly. Next thing I know, she says I should come down and she wants to go press her phone. How are you going to press your phone while we are having a conversation I said? Well, I rollover and she truly rolls to the other side, picks up her phone and there goes our weekend.

That incident left a bad taste in my mouth, some conversations are going to be difficult but they are going to be had. If you can’t have nuanced conversations then we are in for a long ride. I consider her act disrespectful and she has to apologise. However, my babe thinks there are some things you don’t talk about/apologize for, you just move along. Well, not in this case.
The night this incident happened, she cuddled into me while I slept and I expected her to mutter the words “I am sorry”, but she didn’t. Did she expect cuddling into me to solve the issue without apologizing or talking about it? It didn’t.

Having to deal with this kind of act or mood swing or whatever is tiring. One minute we are up, the next we are elsewhere.
Imagine how long we spent together miserable giving each other silent treatment and monosyllabic response and not sorting things out, she’ll soon begin to try sorting things out on chat.

I could’ve arrested the situation myself but I don’t want to be/deal with a babe who has to be pampered or cajoled to apologise for what she did wrong. Even if you cannot see what you did wrong, you must be able to spot that something is wrong and bring it up for discussion.

The amount of times I thought about breaking up last night was insane! I kept asking myself why I had to put up with this behaviour.
Anyways, when she apologises and comes around we’ll have a conversation about it and if she doesn’t come around…

Women said cooking was a survival skill and everyone should learn how to cook. Men have learnt and keep learning how to cook and the same women are now avoiding the survival skill they are supposed to have.

Nigerian men are really suffering, they keep bending back again and again for women. You give head, cook, provide, buy rose, and cater to her emotional needs. What do you gain in all of this? An ego polish? A woman who continually says “I can’t do that”?

Just coming from a thread where over 70% of the women there say they don’t cook, they eat out and their man would have to eat out or cook himself. It’s also interesting how women now casually say they want a man that can cook and call such man a romantic man but when a woman cooks it’s suffering and slavery. In this particular thread a woman even referred to the man as inconsiderate for wanting his babe to cook. Men need to use their heads but until they begin to, the women would use it for them.

You’re doing everything to make your babe/woman happy, what is she doing to make you happy in both tangibles and intangibles? You have all these responsibilities towards her and the family, what are hers towards you and family?

“Awww, Get you a kind partner, get you a considerate partner, get you an intentional partner” all from women who only know what these words mean when they’re at the receiving end.

I give it to women though, they’ve mastered the act and art of using media, sex and ego boosting to relegate men where they want them and the beautiful part is: a lot of men are still blind to it or maybe I am the one who has lost it.

Feel free to put quantifiers (some, few, a lot) where you like.

Decrypter:
I just had somewhat of a miserable weekend.

As much as Aka is a sweet person and we have something good going on, we also have a compatibility mismatch in how we process stuff, there’s also a mismatch with how she renders “acts of service”. This weekend was supposed to be an enjoyable one, it was supposed to be celebratory even. Aka has been looking to move jobs for a while. She’s been searching, applying, interviewing and she recently received a beautiful offer. It was supposed to be a happy weekend but somehow we spent the first 6-7hours happy and the remaining 32hours miserable, exchanging monosyllabic words.

This isn’t the first time it’s happening, it’s about the third time I think. We’re having a good time and suddenly my babe says or does something that just sends the mood nose-diving. At this point, I almost think it’s a purposeful act, something to put me at arm’s length for a while?

My sleep between last night and this morning was so off, I couldn’t sleep well, kept waking at intervals.

How did the situation deteriorate? We were discussing her current workplace and how the director said he wasn’t impressed with her department’s effort while I was lying on her. She explained what the director said and I said I see his perspective. The director not being impressed wasn’t their fault, but I definitely see his perspective and I tried to explain it to her but she saw it as supporting the director and went silent instantly. Next thing I know, she says I should come down and she wants to go press her phone. How are you going to press your phone while we are having a conversation I said? Well, I rollover and she truly rolls to the other side, picks up her phone and there goes our weekend.

That incident left a bad taste in my mouth, some conversations are going to be difficult but they are going to be had. If you can’t have nuanced conversations then we are in for a long ride. I consider her act disrespectful and she has to apologise. However, my babe thinks there are some things you don’t talk about/apologize for, you just move along. Well, not in this case.
The night this incident happened, she cuddled into me while I slept and I expected her to mutter the words “I am sorry”, but she didn’t. Did she expect cuddling into me to solve the issue without apologizing or talking about it? It didn’t.

Having to deal with this kind of act or mood swing or whatever is tiring. One minute we are up, the next we are elsewhere.
Imagine how long we spent together miserable giving each other silent treatment and monosyllabic response and not sorting things out, she’ll soon begin to try sorting things out on chat.

I could’ve arrested the situation myself but I don’t want to be/deal with a babe who has to be pampered or cajoled to apologise for what she did wrong. Even if you cannot see what you did wrong, you must be able to spot that something is wrong and bring it up for discussion.

The amount of times I thought about breaking up last night was insane! I kept asking myself why I had to put up with this behaviour.
Anyways, when she apologises and comes around we’ll have a conversation about it and if she doesn’t come around…

Me: Good evening sweets, how are you doing?
She: Good evening babe, I am fine and you?
Me: I am very well. What’s this nonsense that you are doing?
She: Ermmmm babe, I didn’t mean it that way, I am sorry. Yidi yidi yaga didi gigi ….




Chai!!!! Imagination is about to finish me. The above didn't happen. I and Aka are still at a stalemate. None of us have asked the other how they're doing. We just say good mornings and I tell her when I arrive at work and when I’m back home. Is this how it’s going to be? A mature, intentional, emotionally intelligent man would have reached out like my imagination above but sadly I’m not one in this case. When women use adjectives such like: real, intentional, EI man just prepare for the manipulation or emotional blackmail that’s about to follow.
There has to be a timeframe where this can become grounds for a breakup. I didn’t envisage it lasting this long especially for something not “worth it”.
Anyways, I have written somewhere in this diary that I and Aka share some traits - We’re both heady people and it shows. We’re both unyielding and even though this issue isn’t worth it considering all we’ve shared, I am not going to bell this cat.