₦airaland Forum

Happy Sunday to you nairalanders and top of the morning. There is this issue I want to let the house know so I can get advise from matured and experienced people here that have got through the same issue and how they deal with it

I have been separated or let say divorced for close to 3yrs and this had created lot of acrimony between myself and my ex wife including issues with her family. The last issue I had with her was she took my kids to her father to live there without my consent. Ever since then , she had been denying me access to my children cos the new place her parents stay is a new site which I don't have the location, I stop interfering when the issue was becoming too much for me and focus on my life cos I know at the right time things will sort itself out.
This morning I got a call from a strange man and he introduced himself to me, by that, I knew the man is from my ex wife family by mentioning the location he was calling from.He told me that did I heard that my father in-law passed away few days ago, I mentioned I wasn't aware. Non of the family called me to pass the information to me neither did they call my own family to notify them. At first I find it strange getting a call from a strange man and giving me such info while it was supposed to be done my either my ex wife or her family, but I thought maybe because of the acrimony going on, they decided not to communicate with me cos ever since my ex took my kids to stay indefinitely with her father without my consent, I stop communicating with her or her family members.

Now that the man is late, I was told by the man that he wants to see me and have a meeting with me that he got my number from my ex wife.
What I need to know is that, now that am divorced, do I have any responsibilities whatsoever to render to the family being that am no longer married to their daughter again. Is it a must to be present in whatsoever they want to do or present at the burial. Pls I need advice from people that have experience this before and how they handled it or people that are vast in wisdom. I don't want to be mean to ignore the family cos their daughter really disappointed and betrayed me and also her family had input on how our marriage collapsed. My kids are still with them and also I have the intention to taking custody of my kids as the grandpa they live with is dead and seems like my ex wife have remarried and can't leave my kids to strangers. I want to use this as an opportunity to get custody of my children.

Pls all your advice are welcomed and appreciated. Gracias

Decency and following the Lord means that you should do unto others as the Lord requires of you, not as they do to you. Which means, you should politely greet the man, thank him for informing you, get details of the burial, show up and pay your respects.

Kindly leave all talk of custody till you have seen your ex-wife and ascertained whether your daughters are well taken care of.

I beg of you (I've been begging you since last year)...break the pattern you have of listening to bad advice that is sure to follow. Because you're nursing greviances and bitterness, you tend to only listen to really bad advice.

You don't want to admit any mistakes, you just want to spin your version of events (mostly half truths and careful editing of your story so you're not the villain) so you can get strangers to insult your ex-wife and pity you because it makes you feel good. I've seen the path you're walking down, how it ends, e no worth am.

Attend the burial, be composed and dignified. Show your maturity. No need to contribute if you don't feel like.

Your ex-wife isn't your enemy, both of you screwed up in your marriage and until you can look into a mirror and be deeply honest and humble, peace will elude you.

And I want you to have peace.

Since children are involved your best bet is to participate in the burial but only passively. No need to involve your family members or making it a big affair.
If you are financially bouyant you can assist them with a token towards the burial,these acts of yours can water the ground in your favour when you come for the custody of your children. My opinion tho.

You have no responsibility. And do not let yourself be roped in. Any financial contribution you make should be free will donation as they won't even value it. Your Focus now should be your self and your kids

The man that died is your children's grandfather. If there are duties grandchildren ought to perform in the burial of their grandfather you have to perform those duties for your children.

Your connection with the family will never be over cos there are children in-between. You owe your children duties over their grandfather's burial not your ex-wife. Find out what those duties are and perform them for and on behalf of your children.

Those are reasons we always advise for married couples to exercise restraint on divorce once children are already involved. The divorce will never be TOTAL both of your shadows will still live in each other's house.

Thank you all for the inputs. Well I just hope they are not trying to use this man death to enter me or try to reconcile with my ex. Someone that cheated and wasn't even remorse about it. To be honest, I can't just stand her presence due to the anger am feeling towards her. The hurt is still there and this is what is making it difficult for me. This is the woman that have the gut to introduce me to the man she is having an affair unknowingly to her I know they are dating. All this enough has caused me heartbreak and emotional trauma. I can't even stand her that's it. Her presence aggravate my spirit knowing how she betrayed and hurt me. If it's you, can you still honor the invite. Pls be honest.

zarathustra:
The man that died is your children's grandfather. If there are duties grandchildren ought to perform in the burial of their grandfather you have to perform those duties for your children.

Your connection with the family will never be over cos there are children in-between. You owe your children duties over their grandfather's burial not your ex-wife. Find out what those duties are and perform them for and on behalf of your children.

Those are reasons we always advise for married couples to exercise restraint on divorce once children are already involved. The divorce will never be TOTAL both of your shadows will still live in each other's house.

What lead to the divorce was that she cheated. She betrayed and hurt my feelings really bad. All this makes it very difficult for me to deal with this issue. If it was just a normal divorce,I won't bother but her actions till now still hurt me and the pain is still there. So you still expect me to be very comfortable attending any burial that will make me see or or get close to her. I don't think I can deal with such emotions

overdrive:
Since children are involved your best bet is to participate in the burial but only passively. No need to involve your family members or making it a big affair.
If you are financially bouyant you can assist them with a token towards the burial,these acts of yours can water the ground in your favour when you come for the custody of your children. My opinion tho.

Thank you all for the inputs. Well I just hope they are not trying to use this man death to enter me or try to reconcile with my ex. Someone that cheated and wasn't even remorse about it. To be honest, I can't just stand her presence due to the anger am feeling towards her. The hurt is still there and this is what is making it difficult for me. This is the woman that have the gut to introduce me to the man she is having an affair unknowingly to her I know they are dating. All this enough has caused me heartbreak and emotional trauma. I can't even stand her that's it. Her presence aggravate my spirit knowing how she betrayed and hurt me. If it's you, can you still honor the invite. Pls be honest.

Guy you have to act maturely over this cos of tomorrow. This is not about you and your ex but about you, your children and their grandfather.
I still advise that you play any role that is expected of grandchildren. It is not about you but about your children. Don't extent your anger to them.

Afodot0022:
Happy Sunday to you nairalanders and top of the morning. There is this issue I want to let the house know so I can get advise from matured and experienced people here that have got through the same issue and how they deal with it

I have been separated or let say divorced for close to 3yrs and this had created lot of acrimony between myself and my ex wife including issues with her family. The last issue I had with her was she took my kids to her father to live there without my consent. Ever since then , she had been denying me access to my children cos the new place her parents stay is a new site which I don't have the location, I stop interfering when the issue was becoming too much for me and focus on my life cos I know at the right time things will sort itself out.
This morning I got a call from a strange man and he introduced himself to me, by that, I knew the man is from my ex wife family by mentioning the location he was calling from.He told me that did I heard that my father in-law passed away few days ago, I mentioned I wasn't aware. Non of the family called me to pass the information to me neither did they call my own family to notify them. At first I find it strange getting a call from a strange man and giving me such info while it was supposed to be done my either my ex wife or her family, but I thought maybe because of the acrimony going on, they decided not to communicate with me cos ever since my ex took my kids to stay indefinitely with her father without my consent, I stop communicating with her or her family members.

Now that the man is late, I was told by the man that he wants to see me and have a meeting with me that he got my number from my ex wife.
What I need to know is that, now that am divorced, do I have any responsibilities whatsoever to render to the family being that am no longer married to their daughter again. Is it a must to be present in whatsoever they want to do or present at the burial. Pls I need advice from people that have experience this before and how they handled it or people that are vast in wisdom. I don't want to be mean to ignore the family cos their daughter really disappointed and betrayed me and also her family had input on how our marriage collapsed. My kids are still with them and also I have the intention to taking custody of my kids as the grandpa they live with is dead and seems like my ex wife have remarried and can't leave my kids to strangers. I want to use this as an opportunity to get custody of my children.

Pls all your advice are welcomed and appreciated. Gracias

From your post op, I can deduce you are not officially divorced. Has the bride price been returned? If legally married, there must also be legal divorce.

If the above has not been addressed, I'm sorry to inform you that you are still married to the said lady hence may consider your role as an in-law if you wish. Also like someone suggested, you must bear in mind that you have children with the lady, you must be careful not to burn bridges.

The man that called might be thinking the death of your father in-law presents avenue for reconciliation.

My advice:
Proceed with caution. Never embark on that journey alone! Never go without letting people know your movements. If possible involve security!!

Afodot0022:
➜Now that the man is late, I was told by the man that he wants to see me and have a meeting with me that he got my number from my ex wife.
What I need to know is that, now that am divorced, do I have any responsibilities whatsoever to render to the family being that am no longer married to their daughter again. Is it a must to be present in whatsoever they want to do or present at the burial. Pls I need advice from people that have experience this before and how they handled it or people that are vast in wisdom.
➜I don't want to be mean to ignore the family cos their daughter really disappointed and betrayed me and also her family had input on how our marriage collapsed. My kids are still with them and also I have the intention to taking custody of my kids as the grandpa they live with is dead and seems like my ex wife have remarried and can't leave my kids to strangers. I want to use this as an opportunity to get custody of my children. Pls all your advice are welcomed and appreciated. Gracias

According to you, you are separated — not legally divorced— so, yes, the man who died is still your father-in-law and you still bear some responsibility. You are still legally married to this woman. Until you legally divorce her, that will remain the case.

2. So, even after all these years of your filling pages upon pages on Nairaland on wanting custody of your children, you have still not gone to formally file for custody — whether shared or full — in the courts? I really don't understand why you are dead set on making your ex seem like the bad person in all of this.

Afodot0022:
What lead to the divorce was that she cheated. She betrayed and hurt my feelings really bad. All this makes it very difficult for me to deal with this issue. If it was just a normal divorce,I won't bother but her actions till now still hurt me and the pain is still there. So you still expect me to be very comfortable attending any burial that will make me see or or get close to her. I don't think I can deal with such emotions

If I were in your shoes, I will tell the man that the only condition for me to honor his invitation is that my kids must be released to me first.

If they release the kids, block their numbers and send them 10k for their troubles. If they refuse, forget about the kids & stop sending upkeep money to the woman. She will get tired one day and send them back to you.

You don't have any reason to associate with the family as far as divorce has been concluded. They are using the kids as hostage to collect ransom from you

delugadou:
If I were in your shoes, I will tell the man that the only condition for me to honor his invitation is that my kids must be released to me first.

If they release the kids, block their numbers and send them 10k for their troubles. If they refuse, forget about the kids & stop sending upkeep money to the woman. She will get tired one day and send them back to you.

You don't have any reason to associate with the family as far as divorce has been concluded. They are using the kids as hostage to collect ransom from you

Honestly I agree with this take.
Even her family didn't have the decency to call and inform you! That says a lot

Onegai:
Decency and following the Lord means that you should do unto others as the Lord requires of you, not as they do to you. Which means, you should politely greet the man, thank him for informing you, get details of the burial, show up and pay your respects.

Kindly leave all talk of custody till you have seen your ex-wife and ascertained whether your daughters are well taken care of.

I beg of you (I've been begging you since last year)...break the pattern you have of listening to bad advice that is sure to follow. Because you're nursing greviances and bitterness, you tend to only listen to really bad advice.

You don't want to admit any mistakes, you just want to spin your version of events (mostly half truths and careful editing of your story so you're not the villain) so you can get strangers to insult your ex-wife and pity you because it makes you feel good. I've seen the path you're walking down, how it ends, e no worth am.

Attend the burial, be composed and dignified. Show your maturity. No need to contribute if you don't feel like.

Your ex-wife isn't your enemy, both of you screwed up in your marriage and until you can look into a mirror and be deeply honest and humble, peace will elude you.

And I want you to have peace.

You are blaming him too. My father is dead in his grave because of tolerance and peace. He needs to be alive for himself too.

The reason why I will say we are divorced even if not officially done cos what we did was traditional marriage, when we separated,I requested for the bride price to be returned but they refused to give me.I was made to understand that in Yoruba land, they don't return bride price if there are children between the two especially if the kids are with the nother. Maybe Yoruba people should shed more light to this.From my own end, am divorced and can't have anything to do with that woman. I will be a fool to accept her back cos am the one that knows what she did to me. This woman took my kids away to her parents and deny me access to those children. So now that the man is dead, they now want to see me. Honestly if not that I respect the dead, I won't step my foot there irrespective of anything. You all won't understand the pain I went through by this wicked and evil woman. I can't even stand being in their midst cos I don't trust them. A woman that can boldly and blindly took me to the man that she was sleeping with and the man was trying to counsel us. Is that the woman I should trust or reconcile with...never. Incase the divorce was normal, I won't mind going there but with thee acrimony going one within the both families, I don't think it's a good idea to go there. They can't even call my family members to notify them, it was a stranger they sent, you can see the kind of rubbish family they are. Not even a text message. It's easy for you all to say I should act matured but if you have been through what I went through, you will just ignore that family totally.

lecturerdabo:
From your post op, I can deduce you are not officially divorced. Has the bride price been returned? If legally married, there must also be legal divorce.

If the above has not been addressed, I'm sorry to inform you that you are still married to the said lady hence may consider your role as an in-law if you wish. Also like someone suggested, you must bear in mind that you have children with the lady, you must be careful not to burn bridges.

The man that called might be thinking the death of your father in-law presents avenue for reconciliation.

My advice:
Proceed with caution. Never embark on that journey alone! Never go without letting people know your movements. If possible involve security!!

Afodot0022:
Happy Sunday to you nairalanders and top of the morning. There is this issue I want to let the house know so I can get advise from matured and experienced people here that have got through the same issue and how they deal with it

I have been separated or let say divorced for close to 3yrs and this had created lot of acrimony between myself and my ex wife including issues with her family. The last issue I had with her was she took my kids to her father to live there without my consent. Ever since then , she had been denying me access to my children cos the new place her parents stay is a new site which I don't have the location, I stop interfering when the issue was becoming too much for me and focus on my life cos I know at the right time things will sort itself out.
This morning I got a call from a strange man and he introduced himself to me, by that, I knew the man is from my ex wife family by mentioning the location he was calling from.He told me that did I heard that my father in-law passed away few days ago, I mentioned I wasn't aware. Non of the family called me to pass the information to me neither did they call my own family to notify them. At first I find it strange getting a call from a strange man and giving me such info while it was supposed to be done my either my ex wife or her family, but I thought maybe because of the acrimony going on, they decided not to communicate with me cos ever since my ex took my kids to stay indefinitely with her father without my consent, I stop communicating with her or her family members.

Now that the man is late, I was told by the man that he wants to see me and have a meeting with me that he got my number from my ex wife.
What I need to know is that, now that am divorced, do I have any responsibilities whatsoever to render to the family being that am no longer married to their daughter again. Is it a must to be present in whatsoever they want to do or present at the burial. Pls I need advice from people that have experience this before and how they handled it or people that are vast in wisdom. I don't want to be mean to ignore the family cos their daughter really disappointed and betrayed me and also her family had input on how our marriage collapsed. My kids are still with them and also I have the intention to taking custody of my kids as the grandpa they live with is dead and seems like my ex wife have remarried and can't leave my kids to strangers. I want to use this as an opportunity to get custody of my children.

Pls all your advice are welcomed and appreciated. Gracias

Firstly, call that number back and find out who that man is 👌.
Secondly, if you must attend that burial, don't go alone, consult your family and security 📌💯.
Lastly, take any decision that deems you fit. You are your own soldier, army,god. Not even the USA secretary of defense can guide you . Take charge 💯

Make financial contributions if and only if they will release your kids to you to plan for. Their grandfathers burial.

And don’t be emotional in dealing with her family

Don’t repeat words you say to them twice

I remembered when I went to the barracks where she works to check up on my children,I discovered that she dumped the children at her father's place just because she is dating another man.this woman embarrassed me and ridicule me to her colleagues. Me the father of her kids, someone I paid her bride price treating me like that, even her colleagues where angry at her and was begging me.I even received a phone call from one male colleague and I was even threatened that if I set my foot in the barracks again, I will be lock up in prison. Can't you imagine a woman treating the father of her kids like that. Ever since then I stop any form of communication with her and just focus on my life. All these she was doing are all in support of her family. So now that the man is dead, they now want me to come and discuss what pls.

Afodot0022:
The reason why I will say we are divorced even if not officially done cos what we did was traditional marriage, when we separated,I requested for the bride price to be returned but they refused to give me.I was made to understand that in Yoruba land, they don't return bride price if there are children between the two especially if the kids are with the nother. Maybe Yoruba people should shed more light to this.From my own end, am divorced and can't have anything to do with that woman. I will be a fool to accept her back cos am the one that knows what she did to me. This woman took my kids away to her parents and deny me access to those children. So now that the man is dead, they now want to see me. Honestly if not that I respect the dead, I won't step my foot there irrespective of anything. You all won't understand the pain I went through by this wicked and evil woman. I can't even stand being in their midst cos I don't trust them. A woman that can boldly and blindly took me to the man that she was sleeping with and the man was trying to counsel us. Is that the woman I should trust or reconcile with...never. Incase the divorce was normal, I won't mind going there but with thee acrimony going one within the both families, I don't think it's a good idea to go there. They can't even call my family members to notify them, it was a stranger they sent, you can see the kind of rubbish family they are. Not even a text message. It's easy for you all to say I should act matured but if you have been through what I went through, you will just ignore that family totally.

My brother, follow your mind, no b you kill am. Na man you be , you are a conqueror 📌💯🙌

Afodot0022:
I remembered when I went to the barracks where she works to check up on my children,I discovered that she dumped the children at her father's place just because she is dating another man.this woman embarrassed me and ridicule me to her colleagues. Me the father of her kids, someone I paid her bride price treating me like that, even her colleagues where angry at her and was begging me.I even received a phone call from one male colleague and I was even threatened that if I set my foot in the barracks again, I will be lock up in prison. Can't you imagine a woman treating the father of her kids like that. Ever since then I stop any form of communication with her and just focus on my life. All these she was doing are all in support of her family. So now that the man is dead, they now want me to come and discuss what pls.

As I have told you previously, all these stories mean nothing. The fact that you refuse to approach the courts to seek custody is the reason why you do not have custody of your kids, so your wife(since you are both still married on paper) is not the one to blame for all of this.

Afodot0022:
I remembered when I went to the barracks where she works to check up on my children,I discovered that she dumped the children at her father's place just because she is dating another man.this woman embarrassed me and ridicule me to her colleagues. Me the father of her kids, someone I paid her bride price treating me like that, even her colleagues where angry at her and was begging me.I even received a phone call from one male colleague and I was even threatened that if I set my foot in the barracks again, I will be lock up in prison. Can't you imagine a woman treating the father of her kids like that. Ever since then I stop any form of communication with her and just focus on my life. All these she was doing are all in support of her family. So now that the man is dead, they now want me to come and discuss what pls.

Number one mistake, never marry a military/paramilitary woman 📌💯, na wetin kill my papa. Thank God you are alive

Afodot0022:
➜The reason why I will say we are divorced even if not officially done cos what we did was traditional marriage, when we separated, I requested for the bride price to be returned but they refused to give me. I was made to understand that in Yoruba land, they don't return bride price if there are children between the two especially if the kids are with the nother. Maybe Yoruba people should shed more light to this.From my own end, am divorced and can't have anything to do with that woman. I will be a fool to accept her back cos am the one that knows what she did to me.
➜ This woman took my kids away to her parents and deny me access to those children. So now that the man is dead, they now want to see me. Honestly if not that I respect the dead, I won't step my foot there irrespective of anything. You all won't understand the pain I went through by this wicked and evil woman. I can't even stand being in their midst cos I don't trust them. A woman that can boldly and blindly took me to the man that she was sleeping with and the man was trying to counsel us. Is that the woman I should trust or reconcile with...never. Incase the divorce was normal, I won't mind going there but with thee acrimony going one within the both families, I don't think it's a good idea to go there. They can't even call my family members to notify them, it was a stranger they sent, you can see the kind of rubbish family they are. Not even a text message. It's easy for you all to say I should act matured but if you have been through what I went through, you will just ignore that family totally.

If you both did not register your marriage in the Nigerian courts, meaning there is no proof that you were ever married, then it follows that you are just a baby daddy to your children.

Giving back the bride price is not the only way to get a divorce in Nigeria. Visit the courts with any proof you have of your marriage and seek a solid dissolution so you can be sure you are, in fact, divorced from the woman at this point in time. Abandonment is not considered divorce either.

2. The woman is the mother of the kids, hence the reason why she has the kids with her. If you want the kids, you seek custody and present evidence that you are their father and are deserving of at least shared custody of them. It's been many years now since you started this rant against this woman here on Nairaland. To think that in all of that time, you have yet to do any of the needful remains shocking.

When we advice against inter-tribal marriage, people insult us. OP, why you go even marry Yoruba woman in the first place as an Igbo man ? Their way of life is different from ours.

All the questions went inbe wan ask the Op, dem don already ask the questions,so Op, begin to dey give answers to the questions so that I kwn waytin to ask again

zarathustra:
Thank you all for the inputs. Well I just hope they are not trying to use this man death to enter me or try to reconcile with my ex. Someone that cheated and wasn't even remorse about it. To be honest, I can't just stand her presence due to the anger am feeling towards her. The hurt is still there and this is what is making it difficult for me. This is the woman that have the gut to introduce me to the man she is having an affair unknowingly to her I know they are dating. All this enough has caused me heartbreak and emotional trauma. I can't even stand her that's it. Her presence aggravate my spirit knowing how she betrayed and hurt me. If it's you, can you still honor the invite. Pls be honest.

Guy you have to act maturely over this cos of tomorrow. This is not about you and your ex but about you, your children and their grandfather.
I still advise that you play any role that is expected of grandchildren. It is not about you but about your children. Don't extent your anger to them.

He has no role to play in the burial because he is not married to their daughter anymore.

Afodot0022:
I remembered when I went to the barracks where she works to check up on my children,I discovered that she dumped the children at her father's place just because she is dating another man.this woman embarrassed me and ridicule me to her colleagues. Me the father of her kids, someone I paid her bride price treating me like that, even her colleagues where angry at her and was begging me.I even received a phone call from one male colleague and I was even threatened that if I set my foot in the barracks again, I will be lock up in prison. Can't you imagine a woman treating the father of her kids like that. Ever since then I stop any form of communication with her and just focus on my life. All these she was doing are all in support of her family. So now that the man is dead, they now want me to come and discuss what pls.

You have no role to play whatsoever in your ex father-in-law's burial. Though I'd suggest you visit the family to hear what they want to tell you. If it's about reconciliation with your ex or trying to force you to contribute financially, don't accept.

Your main priority should be paternity test for the kids.

Onegai:
Decency and following the Lord means that you should do unto others as the Lord requires of you, not as they do to you. Which means, you should politely greet the man, thank him for informing you, get details of the burial, show up and pay your respects.

Kindly leave all talk of custody till you have seen your ex-wife and ascertained whether your daughters are well taken care of.

I beg of you (I've been begging you since last year)...break the pattern you have of listening to bad advice that is sure to follow. Because you're nursing greviances and bitterness, you tend to only listen to really bad advice.

You don't want to admit any mistakes, you just want to spin your version of events (mostly half truths and careful editing of your story so you're not the villain) so you can get strangers to insult your ex-wife and pity you because it makes you feel good. I've seen the path you're walking down, how it ends, e no worth am.

Attend the burial, be composed and dignified. Show your maturity. No need to contribute if you don't feel like.

Your ex-wife isn't your enemy, both of you screwed up in your marriage and until you can look into a mirror and be deeply honest and humble, peace will elude you.

And I want you to have peace.

"Tiri gbosa" for you @Onegai!
You have spoken with so much maturity. Marital issues are not easy to handle moreso with everyone wanting to have an opinion on other people's matter.
I'll just add that you go to pay your last respects to your father-in-law, along with an older or elderly family member from your side.
Wish you a speedy resolution.

This man always remind me of adebayo4christ.

In the traditional African culture, you are under obligation to do the right thing by actively participate in the burial of your in-law irrespective of the relationship with your partner, especially if children are involves.

Only immature or inexperience people will advise you to stay off. Besides, if he was the one that have been taking care of your kids since divorce withiout your input, I will advise you to financially contribute as well.