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Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Then you be the drive . Start the business but tell him about it. Start saving, also tell him about it. Some people need to see you do something before they get involved in it

I think you need to see a therapist. This would help.

Women nowadays have higher testosterone than older generations. That's what is causing many marital issues

l cant date a boring babe, you have to be freaky af and understand dark humor


For me marriage shouldnt be a something you take seriously , at times get childish and playful

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Check your mail

breadtoaster:
I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Sister, I want to say thank for sharing this, because I have my own struggles and I'm trying to understand something, and your situation gives it more clarity.

I'll tell you what someone told me, there are laws that govern the universe, that if you abide by them, everything gets easier, and if not, the it gets hard.

I want to try to explain what might really be going on here.
I’m not deeply into “new-age” ideas, and I don’t accept everything that comes from that space. But I’ve noticed that some of the principles, especially those that have a logical or even scientific explanation, hold some truth.

One such idea is that things don’t just happen on the physical level — there’s also what we might call a metaphysical or energetic layer to our reality. Our thoughts, emotions, and desires affect that layer.

When we strongly desire something, we give it excess importance. This creates an energetic imbalance — like a charge — in the field of life around us. And nature, by its own laws, always seeks balance.
So, when we hold on tightly to something, life starts to find a way to neutralize that imbalance.

You mentioned your ambitions — your drive, your goals, your need to push forward. That energy of ambition carries strong importance. Life, in response, brings a counter-force to balance it — and that might very well be what your husband represents: the opposite pole.

Now, at first glance, you might think, “If I’m ambitious and he’s passive, maybe we balance each other.” But it often doesn’t work that simply. Instead, the contrast becomes friction — “I’m this, he’s that,” “I’m trying, he’s not,” and so on. The more attention and emotional charge we give to this difference, the more it grows.

Here’s the key: the heart doesn’t recognize negative or positive — it only responds to intensity of feeling.
So even if you’re frustrated or angry, the energy you’re putting out is still charged with feeling, and life reflects that.

The conscious mind gives meaning to things — “this is good,” “this is bad” — but the world doesn’t respond to those labels. It mirrors what we feel most intensely. That’s why, when we hate a situation or obsess over what we don’t want, it tends to persist.

This doesn’t mean you should suppress your emotions or pretend things are fine. It means you should release the excessive meaning you’ve given to them.
Because whenever we over-identify with a desire or an emotion — whether ambition, frustration, or even resentment — we give it too much weight, and life reacts to neutralize it, often in uncomfortable ways.

So what can you do?
You don’t need to go to extremes or deny what’s happening. Instead, begin by reducing the importance you place on it.
Shift your attention away from what you dislike and toward what brings you peace.
Your reality reflects the state of your inner world — the quality of your attention.

If you can stay centered and cultivate inner peace regardless of what’s happening, your world will gradually reflect that peace. Focus on joy, calm, creativity, and purpose. These states radiate energy that naturally attracts more of what aligns with them.

You might ask, “How can I be at peace when my situation feels this difficult?”
The truth is, it’s not the situation itself that keeps you stuck — it’s the meaning your mind attaches to it. When you stop treating it as something catastrophic, its power over you weakens.

I’m not saying your challenges aren’t real — but peace begins when you stop assigning so much emotional importance to what’s wrong and start nurturing the feeling of what’s right, even if it’s small.

It’s almost miraculous how life rearranges itself when we shift our inner focus from resistance to calm awareness. I’ve seen it myself — not perfectly, but enough to know it works.

So if there’s one thing I hope you take from this, it’s this:
The excessive importance you’ve placed on your ambitions and your frustrations has created an energetic imbalance — and your husband, in a way, reflects that opposite pole. To restore harmony, don’t fight him or the situation. Release the excess meaning.
Turn your attention inward — toward peace, joy, and clarity. Life will begin to balance itself around that.

So much I can say, but let me stop here

I can help you with your emotions 🙏 if only you can open your heart to me Whatsapp me
08120345154

Urakweni25:
I can help you with your emotions 🙏 if only you can open your heart to me Whatsapp me
08120345154

Make Married woman open up her heart to you?
So,wetin she go open for the husband?
You lots will see vulnerability and jump on it...


I won't edit your number out of this post till kingdom come.
Na man dey do man. I don catch you.

Would you mind a healthy friendship?

I honestly wonder what some people discuss during courtship. Everything mentioned here are things that should naturally be discussed during that stage. Unfortunately, many ladies and guys spend courtship skyrocketing from one eat-out to another—beach outings, hangouts, and parties—without having meaningful conversations.

The main purpose of courtship is to discuss the future, assess compatibility, and decide whether to move forward together or go separate ways.

Everyone is driven by something. You can’t say, “I’m not extremely driven by myself, but I want to achieve greatness.” If you weren’t driven at all, you wouldn’t even be thinking or talking about this.

What you need is to find a better way to communicate these things with him. As a woman, you should be able to approach the conversation wisely and intentionally.

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

I'm a man in my late 30's. Looking for a matured and probably lonely woman in Ibadan for friendship/companionship (no-string attached). Ibadan only, please.

Reach me on 09026599396 (WhatsApp only).