₦airaland Forum

Your failure to set boundaries is the reason you are in this mess. Why allow her communicate with her ex in the first place?
Since you didn't have issues with her communicating with her ex, you shouldn't have issues with the gifts also. And you will not have issues when you find out the ex is pounding your wife. Because you don't understand what boundaries are.

In all of these, I don't blame your wife or your in-laws. You are responsible for protecting your family and you failed woefully.

If you have nothing to do with your time, compete with his effort. Na her family go gain, last last. If you have serious things to focus on in life, ignore the matter. You will be the one to complain when they bring their problems to you. Face the factor in the equation which you can control; your wife.

weslay:
➜Your failure to set boundaries is the reason you are in this mess. Why allow her communicate with her ex in the first place?
Since you didn't have issues with her communicating with her ex, you shouldn't have issues with the gifts also. And you will not have issues when you find out the ex is pounding your wife. Because you don't understand what boundaries are.
➜In all of these, I don't blame your wife or your in-laws. You are responsible for protecting your family and you failed woefully.

Boundaries are not weapons you fashion against the freedoms and rights of others. Rather, they are meant as tools to help you in choosing the people you can better relate with. If OP had considered his partner's staying in contact with an ex a red flag, he should not have dated her let alone married her. There is nothing inherently wrong with a person keeping in contact with an ex. There are numerous stories of people who gained immensely from such connections. What is wrong is knowing this kind of connection is a red flag for you, but still chooking head in with someone who does it pretending that you have power or right to force them to change when you can no longer tolerate it. That is ridiculous thinking. 😩😩😩

OP's choice of a wife is not the reason why his in-laws keep tabs on his wife's ex. It is possible they preferred him even before OP showed up to ask for their daughter's hand. 🥱🥱

Feisu:
I'm sure he still has feelings for my wife and she's feigning ignorance.
If she and her family are comfortable receiving monetary and other forms of gift from another man, don't you think I should be worried.

I feel your pain. Because if anything directly or indirectly bring your wife and her ex close again they will make love because the closeness , the communication and the feelings is still there.

Hope when you and your parents will start collecting money and gifts from your own ex, your wife and her family will not complain

I believe in the golden rule

Diamond098454:
I feel your pain. Because if anything directly or indirectly bring your wife and her ex close again they will make love because the closeness , the communication and the feelings is still there.

Of course, the man might be planning dirty December on that woman already. And if so, the woman is already imagining their old sweet time together.

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it. But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.
This doesn't sit well with me.
I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

The issue here is not sending cash gifts in-laws. The reason for the divorce is. Now OP, you need to really dig in and understand the root cause of the divorce. Is it poverty, or childlessness, domestic violence, cheating. From there, I can advice. There is nothing like peaceful separation when it comes to marriage. And by the way OP, hope your wife's dowry has been returned.

I will advice when you're ready.... I am married too

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it. But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.
This doesn't sit well with me.
I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

Marrying a Virgen would have saved you from all these embarrassment. Enjoy. People like us will learn from your mistakes.

Double0h7:
The message they are sending is to up your hustle! Do you gift them?

After reading your comment I just shake my head

Saybal:
After reading your comment I just shake my head

Why?

Feisu

Now is the time for you to act like a Typical Nigerian Man.

Oya, get your mother involved (nothing like MiL wahala to panic a wife). Make Dem come scatter the house, act Nollywood movie for your wife. Tell her that if her family likes that man so much, she's welcome to leave the kids and join him. Don't say a word to her family but let this be the last time you send them anything: tell her to tell them that since they disrespected you, you too won't respect them.

Right now, your wife still has much to lose. If it progresses, she could end up like Judy Austin and her family, where her ex-husband was begging to release his kids, but Judy's family saw a wealthier man and chased him away. Hungry people are shameless.

Now, that guy may just be innocent. Hey, he may have a generous spirit and really liked her family (though one must ask if all the hungry extended relatives in his family have eaten, that he's feeding another family). But what they're doing is greedy and wrong.

You don't eat every free meal you're offered, that called Greed and is a sin.

If the ex was sending gifts and money maybe once a year or every 2 years, it would be perfectly fine. Anything more than that, please let your wife and her family explain what rubbish they're doing.

Double0h7:
Why?

your conclusion is dat the other guy is richer than the Op so he should double is hustle ,he is not in any competition with anybody he married their daughter legally , they can take their daughter and give to the other man

The only problem is marrying from such shameless and hungry

Is not compulsory he give them any gifts if he doesn't have the means

Saybal:
your conclusion is dat the other guy is richer than the Op so he should double is hustle ,he is not in any competition with anybody he married their daughter legally , they can take their daughter and give to the other man

The only problem is marrying from such shameless and hungry

Is not compulsory he give them any gifts if he doesn't have the means

My conclusion? I don’t think you read my comment or comprehended it. I said THEY (his in-laws) are sending him a message the message to up his hustle.

Kobojunkie:
I can't really say what motive they may have, if any, from the much information provided by OP. What I know is that the one that OP is married to is their daughter, not them. Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman — It is not between a woman's entire family(herself included) and the man, like many people like to pretend when it suits them.

If the wife's family doesn't like OP for whatever reasons they may have, it's their prerogative. OP can't force them to like him. He can only focus on and work on his relationship with his wife, and them because she is their child.

I can't say what their motive is neither, but I can say what the effect of their action is on the op, whom I agree should take responsibility and remove his eyes from what the ex does and stop competing completely and let him win with his in-laws while I concentrate on my own family.

Were they family friends even before they started dating? Then It didn't work out and both families continued being friends .


The only way I see this happening is if there has been some sort of relations between the 2 families before the 2 started dating.

Marry a virgin, una no go hear.

Double0h7:
The message they are sending is to up your hustle! Do you gift them?

gift kee them

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

start looking out for a new wife, your wife is gone according to your story

How does that have to do with you if he sends money to them. It still means that your in-laws are still hustling and need a means of livelihood. So he should hate them because of you. I think you should hustle more and put your mind on it

Sending money to her parents not the problem, but Ur wife still keeping in touch with his ex is the problem

Wetin be your problem na? Old road no dey 🔐 close na.

Kobojunkie:
Does the man in question directly threaten you or your wife? Does his sending money to her parents somehow threaten your ability to relate to them or send them gifts? What exactly is the problem here? Let us know!

No vex o. Are you married? Just want to know o.

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

Her ex is still “farming on the farm you have bought”

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

Know where to marry from no be curse. Some families don't have any iota of shame. I know some families that parents dont accept such offers except you didnt have anything to do with their daughter, who is already married.

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

No matter how they try to paint it, it's morally wrong.

If the tables are turned, your wife wouldn't stand the fact that you are communicating with your ex.

Kobojunkie:
Does the man in question directly threaten you or your wife? Does his sending money to her parents somehow threaten your ability to relate to them or send them gifts? What exactly is the problem here? Let us know!

Switch it , and assume it is the wife that came to complain on Nairaland that her husband is sending money to his ex inlaws , are you keeping the same energy? Or you only support everything as long it is feminine centric?

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

If they have no children between them there is no reason why they should still be contacting each other, irrespective of whether they broke up peacefully or not. You don’t joke with matters of love, it can spark anytime. Cut off the contact between them and tell her to move on. If you do that the other man will likely stop sending gifts as the distance will prevent that.

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

That is the source of your problem Mr. Nice guy
And when you talk about this ex of your wife. I hope you are talking about ex-boyfried, not ex-husband. Because if na ex-husband i dont know what to call. And you deserve all that you are going through with this situation

Kobojunkie:
1. They didn't set any such boundary, as is apparent from OP's reveal.

2. Did OP state that his wife does not respect him? Why assume disrespect when OP clearly did not state that he was disrespected by his wife in any of this?

Some things are better left as they are,
They have each moved on, they should leave it at that, reconnecting again on the premise of just friendship is pretentious, sex and romance connected them before and would still connect them again if they should have one on one meeting again