₦airaland Forum

greatiyk4u:
➜Haven followed your submissions and opinions on this matter I can only marvel at your level of reasoning which I find to be pride in ignorance.
What more reason should the inlaws have to be collecting money from someone in the past and even have the effontry to rub it in the face of their current son inlaws?
Are they that wretched, greedy or lack contentment?......think deep about this

Let's assume for the case of discussion that they are, in fact, being wretched, greedy, or lack contentment as you assume them to be, why can't they be that? Is it a crime for them to live that way — receive money and gifts from the man in question? Is there a law against them doing what they did?

Kobojunkie:
1. I am not trying to invalidate the bruise to his ego here. I am simply saying out loud what needs to be, which is that they literally don't owe him anything ......

And that is the point. "They don't owe him anything". You do recall I said the following, right?

budaatum:
They could collect from their ex-son in law and not tell their current son in law, if they did not have a motive.

So why are they telling him what their ex-in-law gives them when it's not his business?

The in-laws are disrespecting him, so it is wise for him to keep his distance instead of harass them like you suggest I meant, so that his ego is not bruised by them. Damn the consequences.

Kobojunkie:
Let's assume for the case of discussion that they are, in fact, being wretched, greedy, or lack contentment as you assume them to be, why can't they be that? Is it a crime for them to live that way — receive money and gifts from the man in question? Is there a law against them doing what they did?

If they receive money from someone's husband, son and relatives for such reason, it becomes double standards, cheating and lack of regards and respect to their son in-law, besides, old things has passed away, who even knows the Man motive for doing so?

Kobojunkie:
Let's assume for the case of discussion that they are, in fact, being wretched, greedy, or lack contentment as you assume them to be, why can't they be that? Is it a crime for them to live that way — receive money and gifts from the man in question? Is there a law against them doing what they did?

Are you intentionally missing the point or what?

They can collect whatever from whomever for whatever reason, but they don't need to tell their in-law because it's none of his goddamn business.

They are negatively impacting their daughter's home by telling her husband what her ex gives them!

budaatum:
➜And that is the point. "They don't owe him anything". You do recall I said the following, right? So why are they telling him what their ex-in-law gives them when it's not his business?
➜ The in-laws are disrespecting him,
➜ so it is wise for him to keep his distance instead of harass them like you suggest I meant, so that his ego is not bruised by them. Damn the consequences.

OP did not give us enough information regarding what really transpired. My guess is he may have been over at their place, where he may have seen the money and gifts that were given. If the reveal happened at their place, then I will say they are free to talk about such things in their own space. If the reveal happened over at OP's place, then there may have been some reason behind them revealing it to him. Again, that would depend on the motive behind their need to reveal it while at the OP's marriage space.

2. Earlier today, my ego got bruised by a sibling of mine, but you don't see me insisting I was disrespected. Why? I am not owed additional respect from anyone.

3. Harassment is obviously an immature thing for anyone to do in response to a bruised ego. Rather, I would suggest he swallow his pride and maybe avoid meeting them under similar circumstances to avoid a repeat of the same or similar. However, the other side of this is that he may also miss out on relevant information in the future.

budaatum:
➜Are you intentionally missing the point or what? They can collect whatever from whomever for whatever reason, but they don't need to tell their in-law because it's none of his goddamn business.
➜ They are negatively impacting their daughter's home by telling her husband what her ex gives them!

1. Again, you and I do not know the circumstances that led to OP finding out about this. Also, there is no law that states such information should not be broadcast to those we wish to keep in the know.

2. Explain!

Kobojunkie:
1. Again, you and I do not know the circumstances that led to OP finding out about this.

How he found out is a mute point. Fact is he found out and his in-laws told him the following.

Feisu:
But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

Kobojunkie:
Also, there is no law that states such information should not be broadcast to those we wish to keep in the know.

No there is no law. And there's no law saying OP should react one way or the other neither.

Kobojunkie:
2. Explain!

Explain what?

Kobojunkie:
3. Harassment is obviously an immature thing for anyone to do in response to a bruised ego. Rather, I would suggest he swallow his pride and maybe avoid meeting them under similar circumstances to avoid a repeat of the same or similar. However, the other side of this is that he may also miss out on relevant information in the future.

So why did you decide to change my "avoid them" to "harass them", I wonder.

I don't need any information from such bad toxic in-laws, thank you very much.

budaatum:
➜How he found out is a mute point. Fact is he found out and his in-laws told him the following.
➜No there is no law. And there's no law saying OP should react one way or the other neither.
➜ Explain what?

1. There is nothing moot about it. He found out about it, and so what? Were they supposed to retreat in shame from him or something, as though they had committed a crime? He found out, and even found them celebrating it, and they urged him not to think too much about it. Nothing wrong with that.

2. Well, yeah...sure! OP can't do much about it.

3. You claimed it negatively impacted his home, when all OP said was that he did not feel good about it. How does his getting his ego bruised imply that their daughter's home was impacted?

Kobojunkie:
1.
3. You claimed it negatively impacted his home, when all OP said was that he did not feel good about it. How does his getting his ego bruised imply that their daughter's home was impacted?

You do keep belittling his feeling for some reason by claiming "his ego bruised", but don't you seem to see how his "not feeling good about it" might negatively impact his relationship with his wife?

There is a thread about DNA where I opposed it with, trust will be negatively impacted. But in this case I will ask the op to go do DNA test on the children his wife has for him. That lack of trust is a negative in a relationship.

budaatum:
➜You do keep belittling his feeling for some reason by claiming "his ego bruised", but don't you seem to see how his "not feeling good about it" might negatively impact his relationship with his wife?
➜There is a thread about DNA where I opposed it with, trust will be negatively impacted. But in this case I will ask the op to go do DNA test on the children his wife has for him. That lack of trust is a negative in a relationship.

1. No

2. Those aren't remotely connected and so shouldn't be compared.

The only reason OP would wish to claim lack of trust in his wife from this is if he projected the actions of his in-laws on his wife. Blaming her for the actions of his parents would only reveal him to be a petty individual and nothing else.

Quickly go and do DNA test on your children. He is likely sending money to take care of his "children".

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

you lie. you have an issue with it. why did you open a thread on nairaland if you did not? did seun pay you to post this thread for engagements?

Feisu:
I would have been worried. Buy the guy and his family are currently in another country.

you would have been worried? it is either you are a bloody liar or you are writing this thread as a multi part series to the stories you have concocted

we wait for your new thread titled "my wife wants to travel abroad for her master's degree"

Kobojunkie:
1. No

2. Those aren't remotely connected and so shouldn't be compared.

The only reason OP would wish to claim lack of trust in his wife from this is if he projected the actions of his in-laws on his wife. Blaming her for the actions of his parents would only reveal him to be a petty individual and nothing else.

lol. you can't spot a fake thread when you see one?

OP will soon update us that his wife wants to travel abroad for her Masters degree.

You married from a wrong family.
You married a wrong girl, from a wrong family.
Your wife’s baaadddd DNA is from her parents.

1. How old were your in-laws when you married there daughter? How old are they now? If they between 45 and 60 years now, there’s that probability that you have ‘mismarried’ from alat’enuje version of parents that Nigeria has produced from late 1980s upward.

2. What work do your in-laws do or they did in the past?
If they had worked as low cadre staff with government pr unknown businesses or were trader with nothing to show for it and are not Godly or principled, you have entered it.

3. How old were you and your wife before you got married and how old are you now?
If your in-law were afraid your wife needed to get married quickly because she was getting of age, they may not have vetted you well before allowing her to marry you since they don’t want her to le n’le (be left unmarried). So they pushed her out to you like an old stock about getting expired.
But now that’s they have achieved their objective of her getting married, the pressure is no longer on them. They feel they can be doing anyhow and commercializing their daughter. Don’t forget we said they are sh.ame.less and alat’enu je o.

4. Does your wife have certain health or physical challenges? Do you currently have any health or physical challenges?
Saying yes to any of these may have made your in laws to act or have acted the way they are acting now.

5. How old was your wife’s ex when they left and now? Did he has any medical challenge then?
This could have been that the boy was underrated by your current in-law that he can’t make it. Now they are going back to their vo.mit.

6. What work were you doing and how financially stable were you then when you met your wife? What work are you doing now and how financially stable are you?
If you have financially gone down, compared to when you met your wife, your alat’enuje in-law and their daughter maybe using this against you.

7. What work was your wife doing before you met her and what work is she doing now? Is she financially stable than you are? Is she the one taking care of your home?
If she’s more buoyant than you are, your in-law may use this opportunity to disrespect you. She too may use it against you.

8. Have you done all necessary marriage rites? If you haven’t, this may make your in-law to feel you haven’t really married their daughter but you are just keep her for them. They may see you as an un-s.erious type.

9. Are your in-laws doing similar thing to any of their other children? If yes, you are in for a loooonnnnnng thing.
:
——-

I feel your wife is rekindling old flame of love. She could have gone halfway than you think. Try and find out more, discretely, and don’t take laws into your hands. Have solid evidence before to take any step.
She has not respected you or your marriage and hasn’t seeing herself as, fully, your wife. Her eyes still fit dey street.
Her raw videos fit dey the other guy hand and she could be looking up to better opportunities to meet him.

Don’t rule out any opportunities of getting more info from her circle of friends. Just know how to go about this, if you are closer to any of them.

Set up a faa.kke social media account of her favorite and have stunning profile of a made Nigerian man of her desire and be using this to engage her. Don’t rush things. Start as a friend and engage her in her area of interest until you gain her trust and then go into other areas you may want to know about her. I repeat, don’t rush things. And don’t always make yourself available on the profile. Depict pictures of man that is better abroad then her ex.

Lastly, DOUBLE YOUR EFFORTS in being a man. Not because of your wife or your in-law but because of yourself. You need to avoid ‘see-finish’ depr.ession, high BP and early kkpaii.

You may need to change your job or go into a trade or leave the country.

Outlaws playing 'In-laws'

Shameless folks throwing such shits at your face. They will be the one to remind your wife that she should have married the ex.
How would the same 'in-laws' and the wife take it if this guy is spending on his ex and her parents? The answer will tell you how low-life these folks are.

My brother, do not go into competition with anyone. Pray to God, work hard and smart and your days of overflowing blessings will come sooner than you ever imagined.

spice123:
The issue here is not sending cash gifts in-laws. The reason for the divorce is. Now OP, you need to really dig in and understand the root cause of the divorce. Is it poverty, or childlessness, domestic violence, cheating. From there, I can advice. There is nothing like peaceful separation when it comes to marriage. And by the way OP, hope your wife's dowry has been returned.

I will advice when you're ready.... I am married too

Oga,are you high? where did you see divorce in the Op story? make una dey try read and comprehend na!

Shameless inlaws

Kobojunkie:
1. They didn't set any such boundary, as is apparent from OP's reveal.

2. Did OP state that his wife does not respect him? Why assume disrespect when OP clearly did not state that he was disrespected by his wife in any of this?

The OP have clearly said that he feels deeply disrespected by this, you're just busy defending rubbish here.

Kobojunkie:
You mean maybe it was to get him to do better in terms of giving them gifts and money?

Can you imagine this sort of mentality

budaatum:
I do agree with you regarding the op and his marriage, and I think he should learn to mind his own business and keep his nose out of the business of his in-laws.

the ex is grooming the wife and her shameless parents by sending them money. The ex and the wife still holds very deep communication and whenever that ex lands in Nigeria that communication is going to go beyond quite Deep . How magnanimous is this ex that he still sends money to the parents of an ex girlfriend? I'm sure he also sends money to his own relatives and wife's relatives too right?

Op should come to the realisation that he married into a shameless family and begin to remove any emotional attachment he has on that marriage and just focus on fulfilling his duties as a husband/father as the case might be. He should rather transfer his emotions to somewhere else if he wants to live a long and enjoyable life.

Double0h7:
My conclusion? I don’t think you read my comment or comprehended it. I said THEY (his in-laws) are sending him a message the message to up his hustle.

I don't think you have a good grasp of compression. You're making a conclusive statement by saying "THEY (his in-laws) are sending him a message..." if you had said" THEY might be.." or "could it be that they are..." Then that would be an inconclusive statement

Eniitankorede:
If they have no children between them there is no reason why they should still be contacting each other, irrespective of whether they broke up peacefully or not. You don’t joke with matters of love, it can spark anytime. Cut off the contact between them and tell her to move on. If you do that the other man will likely stop sending gifts as the distance will prevent that.

she will not cut off contact but would instead keep it away from the husband. The wife and family would become discreet with the communication with the ex. Op should accept the fact that he married into a shameless family and start withdraw whatever emotional attachment he has on that marriage.

Feisu:
I would have been worried. Buy the guy and his family are currently in another country.

Just keep an eye on ur woman's phone to know what's up the ex can always travelled down to nigeria and arrange to have sex with ur wife at any time without ur knowledge after God fear women.

Double0h7:
The message they are sending is to up your hustle! Do you gift them?

Must he gift them ? Are they poor ?

flokii:
@OP That your wife no get sense.. she is even open about her unfaithfulness. This world don spoil.
Okafor's law will make that Ex to have sex with your wife whenever and however he likes. the ex fit tie your wife hands and legs to ceiling fan dey knack am.. he dey press money steady.

As in.... He's watering the ground for when he comes back to the country, knacking go dey that's for sure. Don't be surprised that it will even be the parents that would tell the wife to and see the ex to show appreciation.

Feisu:
My wife still keeps contact with her married ex. She says they parted peacefully so they are still friends.
I didn't have an issue with it.

But I recently found out he sends money and gifts to my inlaws and they are all so happy with that. Even celebrating this in my presence and saying I shouldn't be jealous or anything because their daughter knows she's married and their relationship was in the past.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I also know for a fact that my parents wouldn't accept unsolicited gifts from my ex or that of my siblings.

Oga don't be a fool, they are taking you for a ride. The least respect you can get from them , you won't get anything. The height of it is celebrating it in your presence. I won't take that shit from those horrible and glutinous inlaws. They can go have their daughter.

Wenonawde:
Must he gift them ? Are they poor ?

Gift them what , is he owing them anything, nonsense family

Kobojunkie:
1. I am not trying to invalidate the bruise to his ego here. I am simply saying out loud what needs to be, which is that they literally don't owe him anything since he is not married to them. (His marriage is instead to their daughter, and whatever business he has with them is through their daughter.) Anything else they do... their business and not really his to have a say or control over.

2. Does it only apply to me? Well, advise him to go harass them in their home for taking money and gifts from someone whom he seemingly considers a rival, and see what happens.

3. If they had kept their collecting of gifts and money from the ex, but OP had mistakenly found out anyway, either through a neighbor or someone on the outside, do you truly believe OP's feelings would have been a lot less hurt by it all then?

4. Drawing boundaries to ensure he protects himself from such situations going forward is always a good place to start; however, seeking to cut them off completely may likely cause more damage to his marriage than to them.

You see how all over the place your arguments are? Earlier you said it's none of his business what the in-laws do since he's not married to th but to Their daughter and according to you the Op should face his marriage and leave the in-laws to do whatever they like as it's Their right to associate with whomever they choose. But here now you're against the Op cutting off the in-laws and focusing on his marriage as he's not married to the in-laws after all. You want him to maintain contacts with the shameless in-laws who disrespect him by robbing their greed on his face, but you don't want him to react to the disrespect from the in-laws.

Kobojunkie:
1. No

2. Those aren't remotely connected and so shouldn't be compared.

The only reason OP would wish to claim lack of trust in his wife from this is if he projected the actions of his in-laws on his wife. Blaming her for the actions of his parents would only reveal him to be a petty individual and nothing else.

I'll accept this is your view. And like all our views, it's one.

I appreciate the below better.

GeneralOuki:
the ex is grooming the wife and her shameless parents by sending them money. The ex and the wife still holds very deep communication and whenever that ex lands in Nigeria that communication is going to go beyond quite Deep . How magnanimous is this ex that he still sends money to the parents of an ex girlfriend? I'm sure he also sends money to his own relatives and wife's relatives too right?

Op should come to the realisation that he married into a shameless family and begin to remove any emotional attachment he has on that marriage and just focus on fulfilling his duties as a husband/father as the case might be. He should rather transfer his emotions to somewhere else if he wants to live a long and enjoyable life.