₦airaland Forum

Nahimm:
I turned 29 about a month ago. I met my wife in the first quarter of 2024. We dated for a short period—about three months—before she became pregnant.

At that time, I was earning very little and living in a face-me-I-slap-you single-room apartment. My wife, on the other hand, was working, had a side hustle, and was also in her final year of a part-time academic program. She earned more than I did then. I was almost done with my own part-time program and was hopeful that completing it would help me secure a better job.

My wife is from the South-West, while I am from the Middle Belt. I loved her deeply and did not want anything to make her unhappy. I agreed to marry her, but I was not financially prepared for the traditional marriage list her father gave me. Because of the pregnancy and the need to be married before the baby was born, we opted for a court wedding.

After the baby was born, we moved into a one-room self-contained apartment. God helped me secure a new job, and my income improved, although it is still not enough to say I have full financial stability.

After childbirth, I began noticing many issues. I cannot say they were unusual because we had never lived together before—she only used to visit me occasionally. My wife comes from a family where her parents are separated. When we started living together, we experienced frequent misunderstandings. She was often unhappy, easily provoked, and at times verbally insulting toward me. I also noticed challenges with hygiene and other domestic concerns.

People around me advised that these behaviors might be related to postpartum changes, so I tried to be patient. At the time, I worked from home, assisted with household chores, and made conscious efforts to make her comfortable and happy, but it remained difficult.

Whenever we had issues, she would invite her mother and sometimes her mother’s friends into our home. They would speak in her language, which I do not fully understand, and she would describe me as wicked and complain about finances. At that period, I was indeed struggling financially. I had debts from securing the apartment, which cost close to two million naira, and although she also supported during that process, the financial pressure was intense.

My wife does not talk much, but when she does, her words are often very hurtful. She has made statements such as threatening to curse the water and salt she used to cook for me and calling me broke and proud. I overlooked many of these comments, believing they were influenced by postpartum stress.

One pattern that concerned me over time was laundry. She would not wash my clothes. Personally, I do not see washing my own clothes as a major issue, especially since we do not yet have a washing machine and I have time to do laundry. However, when I wash, I wash everyone’s clothes—hers, mine, and the baby’s, including her underwear. Over time, it became concerning that even when she did laundry, she would not wash my clothes unless I complained.

Financially, I give her close to ₦100,000 monthly, which is about 60% of my salary, to cover feeding and the baby’s needs. I also take care of other household bills. Hospital expenses are covered under my HMO.

Despite this, she often makes it seem as though the money I give her is insufficient and that she spends far more.

I have tried to communicate constructively. For example, I suggested that she buy food items in bulk instead of in small quantities, but she does not take this advice.

One issue that escalated matters significantly was intimacy. She often reacts aggressively when I touch her at night. I have tried explaining that I understand intimacy cannot happen all the time, but when she declines, I expect politeness rather than kicking, shouting, or asking me to leave her alone. On the rare occasions when she responds more calmly, she gives reasons such as needing to wake up early for business or to prepare the baby.

She sees her mother almost every day and regularly shares details of what happens in our home with her.
Last month, following a serious disagreement, she left our home with the baby and went to stay at her mother’s house. During efforts to resolve the issue, her mother told me several things I had not previously known, particularly complaints about the amount of money I give my wife. I eventually settled the issue by stretching myself financially to satisfy her family.

Despite my efforts, my wife did not return immediately. She stayed at her mother’s house for approximately one month and returned only when she decided to do so.

My own mother, who had not yet met my wife, initially encouraged me to be patient and make peace. She supported the steps I took to resolve the issue so my wife could return home. However, after I had done everything requested and my wife still delayed her return, my mother became more protective of me. She suggested that I relocate and inform my wife of my decision—if she agrees, we relocate together; if not, I should proceed alone.

My mother’s concern is that this pattern might repeat in the future, possibly many years later, where my wife might leave with the children, disrupting my life and delaying my progress.

I have not acted on my mother’s suggestion.
My wife has now returned, and things appear slightly better, but her manner of communication has not changed significantly. She remains very defensive and does not welcome open, healthy conversations. When I feel overwhelmed, I go silent to avoid becoming aggressive. She also tends to withdraw and remain quiet.

At present, I am focusing on improving myself, particularly financially.

At some point, I considered divorce and discussed it with her. However, our nine-month-old baby is a major concern for me, and I genuinely want a stable and healthy home for my family.

I would appreciate guidance on how to handle this situation.

ayoncox:
All you explained is typical of most Nigerian ladies, she is just gaslighting you, your own role is to overlook. Get more busy, work on increasing your income, because you are now dealing with Version 2, version 3 is coming

elmagnifico411:
This is even not about the finances. Your wife is not into you.. eh r accepted marrying u cos of the pregnancy thereby not wanting to appear unserious and be called names. You know these things are now, western parents believe a lady should marry whoever got her pregnant, and that’s what happened.

So, no matter the amount you earn, there’ll always be problems. It’s a compatibility issue. I’ll advise u check yourself and make sure your mental health isn’t tampered with. 3 months is just too small.. you guys don’t know yourselves at all, and she’s not trying to come around even after marrying you.

If I were you, I won’t ask her to come back home. I’ll just be sending upkeep for the baby and continue my life alone. When she comes back to her senses, she’d return and wait outside till I arrive cos I’d have changed the locks.

GboyegaD:
Could she be she's confused and not ready for marriage? A friend once dated a lady who when he asked where she see them in a couple of years told him she sees them being separated and the children in her custody. With that, my friend silently withdrew, and she kept saying he broke the relationship without any good reason. I brought this up because from the way she is acting, she might be one of those who feel the husband is only useful for childbearing. If that is the case, it will be challenging for her to change.

You mentioned she was earning better than you at first. What is she using her salary for now? Why do you have to take on so much more responsibilities?

Nahimm:
We dated for a short period—about three months—before she became pregnant.

I was almost done with my own part-time program and was hopeful that completing it would help me secure a better job.

Because of the pregnancy and the need to be married before the baby was born, we opted for a court wedding.

My wife comes from a family where her parents are separated. we experienced frequent misunderstandings. She was often unhappy, easily provoked, and at times verbally insulting toward me.

I worked from home, assisted with household chores, and made conscious efforts to make her comfortable and happy,

At that period, I was indeed struggling financially. I had debts from securing the apartment, which cost close to two million naira, and although she also supported during that process, the financial pressure was intense.

One pattern that concerned me over time was laundry. She would not wash my clothes.

Financially, I give her close to ₦100,000 monthly, which is about 60% of my salary, to cover feeding and the baby’s needs. I also take care of other household bills. Hospital expenses are covered under my HMO.

Despite this, she often makes it seem as though the money I give her is insufficient and that she spends far more.

One issue that escalated matters significantly was intimacy. She often reacts aggressively when I touch her at night. I have tried explaining that I understand intimacy cannot happen all the time, but when she declines, I expect politeness rather than kicking, shouting, or asking me to leave her alone. On the rare occasions when she responds more calmly, she gives reasons such as needing to wake up early for business or to prepare the baby.

She sees her mother almost every day and regularly shares details of what happens in our home with her.
Last month, following a serious disagreement, she left our home with the baby and went to stay at her mother’s house.

Despite my efforts, my wife did not return immediately. She stayed at her mother’s house for approximately one month and returned only when she decided to do so.

My own mother, who had not yet met my wife, initially encouraged me to be patient and make peace. She supported the steps I took to resolve the issue so my wife could return home. However, after I had done everything requested and my wife still delayed her return, my mother became more protective of me. She suggested that I relocate and inform my wife of my decision—if she agrees, we relocate together; if not, I should proceed alone.

My mother’s concern is that this pattern might repeat in the future, possibly many years later, where my wife might leave with the children, disrupting my life and delaying my progress.

I would appreciate guidance on how to handle this situation.

Nahimm:
Thanks for the advise, please what does the version 3 look like?

elmagnifico411:
This is even not about the finances. Your wife is not into you.. eh r accepted marrying u cos of the pregnancy thereby not wanting to appear unserious and be called names. You know these things are now, western parents believe a lady should marry whoever got her pregnant, and that’s what happened.

So, no matter the amount you earn, there’ll always be problems. It’s a compatibility issue. I’ll advise u check yourself and make sure your mental health isn’t tampered with. 3 months is just too small.. you guys don’t know yourselves at all, and she’s not trying to come around even after marrying you.

If I were you, I won’t ask her to come back home. I’ll just be sending upkeep for the baby and continue my life alone. When she comes back to her senses, she’d return and wait outside till I arrive cos I’d have changed the locks.

EmperorIsaac:
But, the story is AI generated! Quote me daily.

bigiyaro:
If Regina still fled from her billionaire husband, then you should know that money is not your problem, even if you give your wife millions every month, her spending habit or whatever she uses the money for will simply change. If the money you are giving her before covers chicken stew, she will want to upgrade to turkey stew, buy her 2024 range rover, she will want 2025 range rover.. hope you get what I mean, you will only send yourself to an early grave if, you think your life is all about filling a bottomless pit.

Nahimm:
I turned 29 about a month ago. I met my wife in the first quarter of 2024. We dated for a short period—about three months—before she became pregnant.

At that time, I was earning very little and living in a face-me-I-slap-you single-room apartment. My wife, on the other hand, was working, had a side hustle, and was also in her final year of a part-time academic program. She earned more than I did then. I was almost done with my own part-time program and was hopeful that completing it would help me secure a better job.

My wife is from the South-West, while I am from the Middle Belt. I loved her deeply and did not want anything to make her unhappy. I agreed to marry her, but I was not financially prepared for the traditional marriage list her father gave me. Because of the pregnancy and the need to be married before the baby was born, we opted for a court wedding.

After the baby was born, we moved into a one-room self-contained apartment. God helped me secure a new job, and my income improved, although it is still not enough to say I have full financial stability.

After childbirth, I began noticing many issues. I cannot say they were unusual because we had never lived together before—she only used to visit me occasionally. My wife comes from a family where her parents are separated. When we started living together, we experienced frequent misunderstandings. She was often unhappy, easily provoked, and at times verbally insulting toward me. I also noticed challenges with hygiene and other domestic concerns.

People around me advised that these behaviors might be related to postpartum changes, so I tried to be patient. At the time, I worked from home, assisted with household chores, and made conscious efforts to make her comfortable and happy, but it remained difficult.

Whenever we had issues, she would invite her mother and sometimes her mother’s friends into our home. They would speak in her language, which I do not fully understand, and she would describe me as wicked and complain about finances. At that period, I was indeed struggling financially. I had debts from securing the apartment, which cost close to two million naira, and although she also supported during that process, the financial pressure was intense.

My wife does not talk much, but when she does, her words are often very hurtful. She has made statements such as threatening to curse the water and salt she used to cook for me and calling me broke and proud. I overlooked many of these comments, believing they were influenced by postpartum stress.

One pattern that concerned me over time was laundry. She would not wash my clothes. Personally, I do not see washing my own clothes as a major issue, especially since we do not yet have a washing machine and I have time to do laundry. However, when I wash, I wash everyone’s clothes—hers, mine, and the baby’s, including her underwear. Over time, it became concerning that even when she did laundry, she would not wash my clothes unless I complained.

Financially, I give her close to ₦100,000 monthly, which is about 60% of my salary, to cover feeding and the baby’s needs. I also take care of other household bills. Hospital expenses are covered under my HMO.

Despite this, she often makes it seem as though the money I give her is insufficient and that she spends far more.

I have tried to communicate constructively. For example, I suggested that she buy food items in bulk instead of in small quantities, but she does not take this advice.

One issue that escalated matters significantly was intimacy. She often reacts aggressively when I touch her at night. I have tried explaining that I understand intimacy cannot happen all the time, but when she declines, I expect politeness rather than kicking, shouting, or asking me to leave her alone. On the rare occasions when she responds more calmly, she gives reasons such as needing to wake up early for business or to prepare the baby.

She sees her mother almost every day and regularly shares details of what happens in our home with her.
Last month, following a serious disagreement, she left our home with the baby and went to stay at her mother’s house. During efforts to resolve the issue, her mother told me several things I had not previously known, particularly complaints about the amount of money I give my wife. I eventually settled the issue by stretching myself financially to satisfy her family.

Despite my efforts, my wife did not return immediately. She stayed at her mother’s house for approximately one month and returned only when she decided to do so.

My own mother, who had not yet met my wife, initially encouraged me to be patient and make peace. She supported the steps I took to resolve the issue so my wife could return home. However, after I had done everything requested and my wife still delayed her return, my mother became more protective of me. She suggested that I relocate and inform my wife of my decision—if she agrees, we relocate together; if not, I should proceed alone.

My mother’s concern is that this pattern might repeat in the future, possibly many years later, where my wife might leave with the children, disrupting my life and delaying my progress.

I have not acted on my mother’s suggestion.
My wife has now returned, and things appear slightly better, but her manner of communication has not changed significantly. She remains very defensive and does not welcome open, healthy conversations. When I feel overwhelmed, I go silent to avoid becoming aggressive. She also tends to withdraw and remain quiet.

At present, I am focusing on improving myself, particularly financially.

At some point, I considered divorce and discussed it with her. However, our nine-month-old baby is a major concern for me, and I genuinely want a stable and healthy home for my family.

I would appreciate guidance on how to handle this situation.

Onegai:
DNA test being N1.3million is big news o...

Pretty sure it's not more than N250,000 to N450,000...

And babies and toddlers don't have strong features, they can look like anyone (my lastborn has a strong resemblance to me, but apparently is the vomit of his dad, according to in-laws. Maybe I should DNA test him🤔).

Onegai:
Nahimm

That's odd...Synlab listed the prices of all their tests online save that.

Anyway, you can go to Lagos DNA Testing Center, it's accurate and cheaper there

Nahimm:
I tried looking them up on google but couldn’t find it.
Please how do I find them, location or online page

Nahimm:
I tried looking them up on google but couldn’t find it.
Please how do I find them, location or online page

Onegai:
Go to Lagos Island, they are there, a big building somewhere around Broad Street.