₦airaland Forum

SixSeven:
letskeeptalking

I know it's a lot for you to spill but what has he got to say about you or what were the things he said about you in his own story?

PS: you wrote to the other person that you pity him. Do you still love him? (if he changes for the better)

He tells people I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, so people never get it when I say I want to leave.

I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Despite everything, I chose this man, and it was real love for me. But I know that I deserve better, and he's incapable of change. It's not his fault too. I don't blame him, he is who he is . . You have to be living with some pretty heavy demons to become that way!

The reason I asked you for the church you go to is because of what will people say. Nigerians are very good at public display of good character but you don't know a man until you live with him or do business with him. There is a danger of a single story and the usual Nigerian way of being sentimental instead of calling bad behaviour out. Whether you like it or not, people will judge you. What you must do is ask yourself DO I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH?


https://www.tiktok.com/video/7363741629842279722

At this stage, I think he needs a reality check. Your family needs it. Sometimes, a temporary separation makes us understand reality and like junkie said, this environment is not healthy for your daughters. When we have a distance relationship and we don't have an environment that checks our childish behaviour, we are woken to reality. You have seen all the signs and past behaviours. What I will recommend you do this time is let the families meet and mention the problem before taking your decision. Make sure you record it and write it. It is easy for people to make judgment and of course each family will support their child. Record it and write it just the way you are writing to a public forum like this. Write your part, let it be discussed among the family. I am saying this because you come from 🇳🇬 but live in 🇨🇦. You can be free in 🇨🇦 but play your cards well.


https://www.tiktok.com/video/7080170125286051077?

If you want to handle a manipulator, you record their actions and document your steps for posterity sake. Your conscience will be at rest eventually. I wish you and your family the best.

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7275126599253577003?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMTqbc6L6BQ

letskeeptalking:
He tells people I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, so people never get it when I say I want to leave.

I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Despite everything, I chose this man, and it was real love for me. But I know that I deserve better, and he's incapable of change. It's not his fault too. I don't blame him, he is who he is . . You have to be living with some pretty heavy demons to become that way!

Your previous decisions have been reasonable. I mean, still giving him the chance to get back to his senses. He needs some time to grow and this is not about age. I guess because of familiarity, he has taken the current situation for granted. Men love the chase and sometimes when you are not available, they will have to find you. He will look for you. Even when men step out, they know who is a good woman and you sound like one. Let the other women show him small shege but never lower your standards because as much as a good man is a good example for daughters, the decisions you take will guide your daughters in future as well. The man who's not disciplined cannot be cautioned. The temporary separation may give him the space to think and live in his own thoughts and really decide if he can really walk the talk. You are not his mother and you cannot raise an adult. They have to come to their own senses to accept responsibility and accountability.

I always tell men to always improve themselves, keep getting better but no kill yourself for women o lol. I can see you complained about how relaxed he is but I have heard women complain about this. The man they married vs the man he has become. Let him meet you to your new standards because it's for his own benefit and his own good. Listen to this video below when you can. Signs of narcissists are there and how to handle them. Meanwhile, involve your family and give those children a sense of love and community. They don't understand everything that's going on for now but as your daughter is getting to the teenage stage, she is going to face influence at school and boy-girl matters will come up. Which is why the father figure is very important. Children are often impressionable until they get sense. So do not play his own game. What some women do is use the anger in their relationship to shape the mind of the child and you now have bitter children who are feminists and redpillers giving advice on man and woman because they lacked love and structure when they were young. Create an environment of care and standards for the children and you too should get help in this trying time.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPVdK9v0CK8

I still see a ray of hope in this relationship but it will have to go through some bitter washing mode before the clothes come clean! It's that wisdom and tact in this current chapter that you need (to ask God for) while writing the story in your book of life.

letskeeptalking:
We all have flaws, but I think it's a very sad thing, when a man is unable to find himself.

still not clear . What is the main issue? Or you just want to leave?

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

Stay with your husband through thin and thick, before you choosed him to be the father of your kids why didn't you study him first, divorce like you're in a western society

please let them not share the property 80 40 when you are divorcing... let the man go with all of it or the highest chunk.. Because to be a man is not easy

letskeeptalking:
But I have other kids, and even though my oldest is fragile, I worry about about the kind of example I'm setting for the younger ones too. My 7-YO told me that she's never going to get married, that when she's grown and rich, she will just buy kids



I don't think he cares too much about her 'state of mind' . . . He's just one of those men that just don't care about ANYTHING. I don't really want to pass any blames because I know I'm not the best person to live with, but he has said on several occasions that if I leave him I will raise the kids alone. He even told them that if I divorce him, they won't get to see him anymore. I know he's weaponizing them and I didn't care when I left the first time. But he twisted her mind so much that she physically fell sick from anxiety. A lot of things came out during counselling, that I don't want to talk about here, but I strongly believe that he doesn't care about the kids, even though he pretends to, and puts up appearances for appearances sake.

And no, I don't have a son. . . just daughters!

And no, cheating is not the problem. I gave him the go ahead to do that because he wanted a son and I didn't want to have anymore kids . . not for him anyway!



Like I said, I have my issues, but at least I'm aware and I'm working on them. He is refusing to face his, and I can't help him with that. I almost lost myself trying.

My family is aware and they support any decision I make. The first time I left, he went back to Nigeria and went with his family to "beg" for me to return . . made a lot of promises. I think I forgave too quickly.

I like the fact that you try to give more details when asked. It shows you really want people to make informed advise. Curious to know which state both of you are from. Would also like to know where you are based and how long you have lived there. Reason being that you once said he had to travel. Travel from where to where.

How will you rate your current relationship with God the father? Do you still have a fellowship with him? You need to pour out your heart to him for guidance. If you are based in Lagos, would have directed you to Livelyword church in coker Lagos. You can go on a Wednesday between 9am to 1pm. It's a one on one counselling. You won't regret it.

SixSeven:
Your previous decisions have been reasonable. I mean, still giving him the chance to get back to his senses. He needs some time to grow and this is not about age. I guess because of familiarity, he has taken the current situation for granted. Men love the chase and sometimes when you are not available, they will have to find you. He will look for you. Even when men step out, they know who is a good woman and you sound like one. Let the other women show him small shege but never lower your standards because as much as a good man is a good example for daughters, the decisions you take will guide your daughters in future as well. The man who's not disciplined cannot be cautioned. The temporary separation may give him the space to think and live in his own thoughts and really decide if he can really walk the talk. You are not his mother and you cannot raise an adult. They have to come to their own senses to accept responsibility and accountability.

I always tell men to always improve themselves, keep getting better but no kill yourself for women o lol. I can see you complained about how relaxed he is but I have heard women complain about this. The man they married vs the man he has become. Let him meet you to your new standards because it's for his own benefit and his own good. Listen to this video below when you can. Signs of narcissists are there and how to handle them. Meanwhile, involve your family and give those children a sense of love and community. They don't understand everything that's going on for now but as your daughter is getting to the teenage stage, she is going to face influence at school and boy-girl matters will come up. Which is why the father figure is very important. Children are often impressionable until they get sense. So do not play his own game. What some women do is use the anger in their relationship to shape the mind of the child and you now have bitter children who are feminists and redpillers giving advice on man and woman because they lacked love and structure when they were young. Create an environment of care and standards for the children and you too should get help in this trying time.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPVdK9v0CK8

I still see a ray of hope in this relationship but it will have to go through some bitter washing mode before the clothes come clean! It's that wisdom and tact in this current chapter that you need (to ask God for) while writing the story in your book of life.

You are very insightful, and I truly appreciate your taking the time to contribute to this.

It’s a very difficult thing to put in the work required to grow, and not everyone is capable of it.

Thanks for the video

letskeeptalking:
1. The issues we've had from the beginning are mainly, his lack of empathy, lack of growth (as a person, as a husband and as father), and him standing for himself alone, no one else counts! So he says he's sorry, he will do better, but he doesn't even try. The same issues we fought over 15 years ago, and things still happening till today. Of course now he doesn't even bother to try to pretend anymore . .

2. I know his behavior is not my fault. I spent years trying to be someone he would make the effort for . . I blamed myself, maybe if I did this or did that . . until i realized it wasn't me it was him. It's just who he is, and he is not capable of change. And I know that I deserve better . .

Understandable. I take that to mean that if he makes visible efforts at some tangible changes, you're willing to give the marriage a little more time? Or your mind is made up?

Kobojunkie:
1. You have one life to live, and have been living it in the worst way possible for your mental health and that of your children. What do you think you will regret about this if you decide to choose better for yourself from now on? 🥱🥱

2. You already know that you are literally harming your children and their future by continuing to remain with them in the current state. Children learn from the example shown to them by their parents. And right now, you are showing them that holding on to a miserable life is what marriage means. Is this really what you want for them? 🥱🥱

3. Why ask this question as if remaining in your state, as you described, can ever be considered a better choice?🥱🥱

AI copy and paste spotted 👎👎👎

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

Hmmm…. Divorce isnt a good thing sha. I still checked my ex status this morning after being separated for over 3years. I think of her everyday eventhough Ive re-married and she’s pregnant already

If care is not taken before year end I go join any of the above. Just engaged the services of a marriage therapist which I'm paying heavily for

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

Madam what exactly is your husband doing or "not doing"

If you pity him, then you may want to consider helping him and he too could help you. You know as humans, its only logical for us to see things from our perspectives, not really clear of the perspective of the other person because s/he is his/her own shoes alone with his/her personal experience or perception of things.

letskeeptalking:
I don't hate him . . far from it. I actually pity him!

This one that has energy to respond to every comment with 'prenty Engrish' and even go the extra mile to number the paragraphs, I can easily imagine what your soon-to-be-ex husband is going through.

You are financially successful and your egocentrism is understandable, but it takes two people to ruin a marriage.

Edited.

Let me just contribute my quota. By God's grace, I live and teach abroad and I can't tell you for free that divorce is not really good. A lot of my kids' parents are divorced and it's really affecting the kids badly I mean badly. Today, one of my students cried to my office because her parents are planning to get divorced. I don't really know your husband but I strongly believe that your relationship can work. It takes two to tangle. Most times, we always believe that divorce is the last option but there are other options that can ignite and unite your family. Shalom

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

Think about the fact if you have been the one speeding money the last 25 years, would you want to break up and file for divorce. You ladies are something else, when there is shortage of money or financial support, you want to break up because there is one man outside promising you heaven on earth. My dear, you will be surprise and learn the hard way.

Remember, no matter how you beautiful or exciting you were, no man would accept you back, they would rather start afresh from someone with no history. Make your decision and stick to it, don’t complicate a man’s life!

GVTAsiwaju:
Hmmm…. Divorce isnt a good thing sha. I still checked my ex status this morning after being separated for over 3years. I think of her everyday eventhough Ive re-married and she’s pregnant already

Did you have kids with your ex?

thesicilian:
Understandable. I take that to mean that if he makes visible efforts at some tangible changes, you're willing to give the marriage a little more time? Or your mind is made up?

I think we re past that . . After 15 years, I no longer feel he is capable of change. Plus I can't help but feel resentful that it took him 15 years to want to be better for our marriage! So at this point just making the change will not do, I need reparations for what I went through.

For instance, he made me lose my years of investment over his bad decisions, refusal to listen to advise and just generally irresponsible and vindictive behavior. I don't think I will get over that until I get a refund for lost funds (plus interest).

I can name a hundred instances . . I'm just exhausted from forgiving, after already losing so much!

SouthSouth1914:
Think about the fact if you have been the one speeding money the last 25 years, would you want to break up and file for divorce. You ladies are something else, when there is shortage of money or financial support, you want to break up because there is one man outside promising you heaven on earth. My dear, you will be surprise and learn the hard way.

Remember, no matter how you beautiful or exciting you were, no man would accept you back, they would rather start afresh from someone with no history. Make your decision and stick to it, don’t complicate a man’s life!

So have you been through divorce then? Are you talking from experience?

We don't know the full story, you might also be a problem to the marriage. We have domineering and narcissistic women who want everything to go there way and not let the man be the man of the house.

ShenTeh:
This one that has energy to respond to every comment with prenty Engrish and even number the paragraphs self, I can safely deduce what your soon-to-be-ex husband is going through.

You are financially successful and your egocentrism is understandable, but it takes two people to ruin a marriage.

And I also took responsibility for my role . . but it also takes two to fix a marriage.

I don't think a woman being confident in herself is egocentrism, and even if it were, I think I have earned it at this point, and I have apologies for that!

letskeeptalking:
Canada

canada ? Ahaaaaa. What is it with abroad and breaking up of marriage. If you guys were to be in Nigeria l, things would have probably turned out different

LockDown69:
We don't know the full story, you might also be a problem to the marriage. We have domineering and narcissistic women who want everything to go there way and not let the man be the man of the house.

I really did not come here to judge my marital issues . . I was only looking for experiences of real life divorcees, before I make a life changing and irreversible decision.

lastmessenger:
canada ? Ahaaaaa. What is it with abroad and breaking up of marriage. If you guys were to be in Nigeria l, things would have probably turned out different

Not really, we lived separately in Nigeria and that's the only reason we stayed married. It's also why we've fallen back into that pattern so easily. But now the kids are old enough to understand these things.

I am a man in my late 50s who have considered the divorce route with my spouse many, many times because I just couldnt see us living together happily.
She was proud, disrespectful and I felt she was not a good housewife to me or a great mother to our children! To make matters' worse, there was infidelity on her part that made our union untenable. But, I lived through the broken marriage of my parents and had vowed that I will never allow my children live through the same experience as I did! Alas, life is cyclical, we are our past!!! To make matters worse, I am this insecured, anti-social character with no friends, my family is all I have. So, in revenge I also started cheating, and I was not even hiding it! I became a terror to my family so much so that a visitor sprained her ankle while she and my family were running to hide when I arrived home from work. I was unhappy, so was my my wife and my children. I keep telling myself I will go through with the divorce when my children are grown.
But recently, something happened, she started taking interest in watching Yoruba movies on YouTube and (well, this is what I thought, anyway) she started appreciating the Yoruba women's respectful attitude towards their husbands and elders'. Subtly, I also started reading marriage counselling literatures and realised, we were 2 differents beings from different environments who needed to understand each other, something we never truly did in the euphoria of the whirlwind romance and bed breaking sex we were having while dating. So, one day, as the husband, I called her and said I am tired of the fights and acrimony and will instead of asking her to change to suit me, I was ready to change into the best husband and father I can be for her and my children and bam!! everything started changing, our marriage is having a new lease! Now, were the children affected or probably damaged by this acrimony while it lasted? Oh, yes! But they realise we are all humans and we are working on ourselves and our relationship.
So, my humble advise is that since your husband says he does not want a divorce, work on YOURSELF and hope HE does the same and maybe, just maybe, you can start making your way back to Love!!

God bless!!

HeavenlyHolines:
Let me just contribute my quota. By God's grace, I live and teach abroad and I can't tell you for free that divorce is not really good. A lot of my kids' parents are divorced and it's really affecting the kids badly I mean badly. Today, one of my students cried to my office because her parents are planning to get divorced. I don't really know your husband but I strongly believe that your relationship can work. It takes two to tangle. Most times, we always believe that divorce is the last option but there are other options that can ignite and unite your family. Shalom

Thanks, I appreciate your contribution. I know the dangers of divorce and how it impacts the kids . . but what about raising them in a toxic environment? Is that not even more harmful to them in the long run?

Hope you get money?

E get why I dey ask

letskeeptalking:
Not really, we lived separately in Nigeria and that's the only reason we stayed married. It's also why we've fallen back into that pattern so easily. But now the kids are old enough to understand these things.

please are you a Christian?

Feelings are fleeting. Una two suppose go see thrapist before una finalise divorce. cos most times na 2 people dey damage the marriage.

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

I have had narcissistic friends and worked with some narcissistic bosses in the past. It was horrible, their lack of empathy and cool demeanour makes them silent monsters. And the sad part is that they put on a show so elaborate that everyone thinks they are angels. Leaving someone of that nature requires that you really plan for it thoroughly, because he is going to come for you with everything once he knows you want to break free.

I suggest that you spend your time preparing yourself psychologically, emotionally, and financially for what might be coming. No one should stay in a relationship with a self-absorbed narcissist.

letskeeptalking:
I think he went home because he called my mum and she said she didn't want to discuss it over the phone. She didn't mean for him to travel all the way, but he did that to force her hand and manipulate the situation. He went with his family, and they kept trying to defend his actions and claim that our issues were just "normal marital issues". Anyway, long story short, he's the type of person that will pretend for as long as it takes, or go to any length to get what he wants. He did it while we were courting!

If you met him, you would call him a saint. We are Catholics and joined a Nigerian fellowship too, but I to stopped going to that because people there saw me as the evil one. He still goes there till date, never misses it. But the things he got me to do during the marriage are not things children of God should be engaging in. The last straw (one of the main the reason I left), what when he tried to manipulate me into having a 3**Sum, and I almost did it too because I was that far gone.



And no, he doesn't respect ANYONE . . he genuinely believes he knows it all. He is clearly a narcissist, and I don't think anyone would understand, except me, because I'm living in it.