₦airaland Forum

letskeeptalking:
Thank you so much . . I really appreciate your advice!

if you need therapy for your marriage,then you are not serious.
You have no business with marriage.
My wife annoys me so much but I am the one who give myself reasons to forgive and love her.
One of the reasons is
She gave me a daughter that I love.
We have been through hard times together and come out stronger.
How can you throw away 15 years like it's nothing.
You are complaining about what the man is doing
What about what you are doing?
You keep malice,you think it doesn't matter?
That man is a good man for letting you in after you left the last time.
Because once I beg you and you refuse and cross my door with luggage,that's its.
On my honor,I will rather regret and miss you for the rest of my life than have you back.

Joeadamxx thank you for your contribution.

Letskeeptalking, you should read his advice a lot.

Most separated and divorced people won't want to be truly open, even on a faceless forum.

There are 4 big R's in Life:

1. Resentment: this is what you feel right now. You're boiling with it. The one thing you've mentioned that's really bad is "he's manipulative and acts like a Saint outside" and "he tried to manipulate me into a 3sum".

Those are big red flags and sadly very common for men going through a Midlife crisis.

Your statements "he's a narcissist" and "he refuses to grow"... I'm going to say something shocking: neither are probably true. Why? I've heard those lines a lot and till now that person cannot define exactly what they meant about their spouse. Just pure resentment or midlife crisis or crazy emotions. There are so many "narcissists that refuse to grow" nowadays that the only people qualified to diagnose those traits, serious Psychiatrists and Psychologists, should insist couples wean themselves off Social media (which is badly influencing everything) before they work with you.

2. Regret: "mannn I screwed up. I made bad mistakes, poor choices and here are the consequences of my actions. I'll probably never be forgiven and I cannot trust that forgiveness when it comes. No-one will ever know I regret this".
The Prodigal Son didn't end up in a ditch until years later. Regret is a slow growing tree.

Remorse: "I really hurt this person". Remorse is good, but it won't lead to lasting change. Your husband showed you remorse and that's why you came back, before.

Repentance: "Heavenly Father, I have sinned against You. I cannot forgive myself and neither will my spouse. Please give me Your grace. I will not hurt this spouse again because to hurt them is to hurt You". This is where Change starts.

Love is what motivates us to change.

Love is a choice. Choose to love God. Seriously. Choose to love a husband or choose to walk away, that's your choice.

Whatever you do, give him to God in repentance daily. Give yourself to God in repentance daily.

And watch the miracle happen. I don't know what will happen or what it will look like, but it will be good.

(Yes, I believe Feminism should exist because Patriarchy exists and both are 2 sides of a broken tarnished coin, neither belongs in the kingdom of Heaven).

letskeeptalking:
So are you divorced then? How can you help? Because I don’t think this has anything to do with feminism!

I think it does, although we don’t fully know the source of the conflict in this home. From what I’ve seen and my personal experience, many happy homes often become that way because of the wife. Please don’t misunderstand me—there are truly terrible husbands out there, and issues like domestic violence or cheating are serious and not something to overlook. But if those are not involved, many other issues can be worked through when both people are willing. This feminist tendency and pride is number killer of marriage. A meek and submissive wife hold the home. She is open to talk freely about issues. Remember what Proverbs 14:1 says A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands". It didnt say a wise man or a wise couple. The life and death of a marriage is in the hand of a wife.

Sometimes resentment builds quietly. Instead of calling her husband aside and saying, “This is what I’ve noticed,” and having an open conversation, frustration grows. Communication could solve many of these problems before they escalate. But you see that pride in women, that belief they are equal to a man, is the number cause of problem. Every spouse should know their role and their place in a marriage. They should support each other not want to take over the role of the other spouse.

Women are complex, and emotions play a significant role in how they behave. A man may be loving his wife, but if she does not feel loved in the way she needs, she will begin to frustrate the marriage. I also feel ladies are clever, self centred and selfish. It is always about their interest. When she doesnt see any value the husband is adding to her life (eg she has her own money and house) she begins to look for ways to create crises and eventually leaves. This one is doing 50 50 with her husband, that things will be bitting her body. Ladies naturally are not created to carry financial responsbility for long. Those who do lose respect their spouse. That is why men and husband have to always look for how to continue to create value for their wife, in whatever way possible, whether it is my helping her with chores, giving her money or gift, good sex anything she needs. I can go on and on but I will stop here.

@OP, if you truly want to leave, that is your choice. Marriage is not by force but by choice and commitment. If you decide it’s no longer for you, Please leave, infact making the decision now will be great for your husband, he can quickly move on with Life than at an old age. Nothing is out there particular in Canada. I wish you the very best.

amtheone:
It is quite challenging what you are going through. This was not what you signed for, but this is where you are. I would advise that in the face of these challenges and pains that you remain calm.

If both of you have tried everything and it still does not work, separation should be the next step. It is better for both of you to stay apart but alive than trying to stay together and lose it all.

Don't worry so much about the kids. They will understand better when come of age. It is going to be a long journey no doubt but you will be fine. There is actually no short cut to come out of it but try and have a healthy mindset.

You didn't for once tried to hear what her husband has done to her. She confessed that her husband wants the marriage, meaning she's the one pushing for divorce, it's obvious she's seen a greener pasture some where and we all know it's not always green.
She did indicate and physical abuse from the husband, she's just tired and don't love the husband again.
I wish the husband well, I'm sure he will eventually meet the one that will love him the way he is

letskeeptalking:
My parents were married for over 50 years until my dad passed. . But like every other couple, they had their issues. I saw love growing up, and that's how I know this is not it.

I mentioned before that back home I lived separately from him . . we had separate lives then too and I was 100% responsible for the kids. I still am in a way. I've always lived the life of a single woman even though I have been married. Back home he would go MONTHS without contacting me at all, or making any effort to see his kids. I had every opportunity to see other men if that's what I wanted, and he won't even know about it.

Just to be clear, I do not want to rekindle anything. Even if I stayed, it will not be because I'm interested in fixing the marriage, because I am not!

Can't you guys just trust that a woman knows what she wants, and not every woman is willing to mortgage her self respect in the name of marriage?

Look woman, your issue is you don’t like telling yourself the truth. From all your narrations so far, you have always presented yourself as blameless, and that’s where the problem lies here.

You know what you want. And what you want does not include fixing the marriage. That alone suggests you’re not intentional to make the marriage work. Even if the man makes attempts to , his efforts will end up failing.

It takes two to tango. Whatever your husband has grown up to become in the cause of this your relationship it was caused by something. He separated from you because of something.

Why not come down from the horses back and humble yourself. You’re a leader. Act as one. Communicate your mind to him. Don’t be irritant of your husband. Whatever area he appears incomplete, cover for him because nobody is perfect. You definitely have your own defects too.

The grass is not greener anywhere. Those that are green that you see outside are being constantly watered with conscious effort and patience.

You didn’t mention domestic violence so, this issue is to me fixable.

Think about this again. God will help you to overcome this trying time in your life. Amen

letskeeptalking:
Do you really think I would consider divorce if I've not tried counselling?

And I know that my kids will NEVER be wayward, and even if he's present in our home, they will still be raised by a single mother!

PS: Why do people think women cannot stay single?

You shouldn't have come online and ask for our opinion since your mind is made up.

You want us to validate your decision to break your home. When you leave your husband now you I'll start sleeping with different married men around causing problem for some other homes.

I just dey pity u
U are financially stable make u dey write d long episodes
Remember dis quote" Had I know, I shouldn't did it's
If u divorce your husband,and your friend replace u
U don't know meme
Try to fix your marriage
When they ask u during the wedding day
Sebi u say " yes I do'
Remember your marriage vow
You can only divorce your husband if the marriage want to cut your life short
Be warned
Be careful
Be prayerful

letskeeptalking:
He tells people I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, so people never get it when I say I want to leave.

I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Despite everything, I chose this man, and it was real love for me. But I know that I deserve better, and he's incapable of change. It's not his fault too. I don't blame him, he is who he is . . You have to be living with some pretty heavy demons to become that way!

Everyone online is an angel. Till we hear from the other side.

Onegai:
Joeadamxx thank you for your contribution.

Letskeeptalking, you should read his advice a lot.

Most separated and divorced people won't want to be truly open, even on a faceless forum.

There are 4 big R's in Life:

1. Resentment: this is what you feel right now. You're boiling with it. The one thing you've mentioned that's really bad is "he's manipulative and acts like a Saint outside" and "he tried to manipulate me into a 3sum".

Those are big red flags and sadly very common for men going through a Midlife crisis.

Thank you . . I'm not even going to deny that I am deeply resentful and I had to work out why during therapy . . It's why I feel I can't go on . . because the reason behind my resentment has not changed. I don't want to end up being bitter for life.

Like I mentioned earlier, I think he's fighting some really bad demons, and trying to help him was literally drowning me! I became the worst version of myself, trying to be supportive of the kind of life he wanted.

letskeeptalking:
Thank you . . I'm not even going to deny that I am deeply resentful and I had to work out why during therapy . . It's why I feel I can't go on . . because the reason behind my resentment has not changed. I don't want to end up being bitter for life.

Like I mentioned earlier, I think he's fighting some really bad demons, and trying to help him was literally drowning me! I became the worst version of myself, trying to be supportive of the kind of life he wanted.

Oya, go back and read my post again, I completed it now


And don't listen to anyone telling you, that you'll be lonely forever whilst he's balling.

Na lie!

Both of you will be so utterly miserable and sad that you didn't make it work

Remember one reply you got here: he thinks of his ex daily and checks on her, even with a pregnant new wife

Legitbeauru:
Look woman, your issue is you don’t like telling yourself the truth. From all your narrations so far, you have always presented yourself as blameless, and that’s where the problem lies here.

You know what you want. And what you want does not include fixing the marriage. That alone suggests you’re not intentional to make the marriage work. Even if the man makes attempts to , his efforts will end up failing.

It takes two to tango. Whatever your husband has grown up to become in the cause of this your relationship it was caused by something. He separated from you because of something.

Why not come down from the horses back and humble yourself. You’re a leader. Act as one. Communicate your mind to him. Don’t be irritant of your husband. Whatever area he appears incomplete, cover for him because nobody is perfect. You definitely have your own defects too.

The grass is not greener anywhere. Those that are green that you see outside are being constantly watered with conscious effort and patience.

You didn’t mention domestic violence so, this issue is to me fixable.

Think about this again. God will help you to overcome this trying time in your life. Amen

Leave them!

A lot of the time, it's because of how the man has pampered them or shown fear of losing them that they think they "Deserve better".

That's the root cause of all of this. Imagine someone who left without domestic abuse or anything said the husband went to ask her back and she went again and as it is, she's enroute the third time.

I advise the man to let her go totally. When she goes outside, then she can find what she's looking for.

There's a saying out here : "Sometimes when you treat people well, they begin to believe they deserve better".

Poster and the likes: You're 40 years of age, just know what this entails

1. Don't expect anyone to be head over heels inlove with you in the market. Men today knack and leave the next day.
2. Expect most of your romantic options to be married men or divorced men.
3. Do not think your husband would not remarry or has no options. Be prepared to be jealous when he gets a wife or steady girlfriend.
4. You need to have a purpose asides your children when you're in such state. Without that, you'll most likely turn your children to your purpose and this can lead to them turning into single mothers or you interfering in their marriages et al.
5. This decision is irreversible. Don't keep hope in your mind that he'll beg you again till the end of time. Be prepared to be single for the next 20-30 years.

Stay blessed.

Egungun ... Na express you dey go

"my kids" "my kids" "my kids"
Bullshit!!!!

letskeeptalking:
1. I guess it’s just the fear of the unknown for me at this point!

2. I definitely know I want better for my kids. But my oldest recently told me that she knows I no longer want to be married to her Dad, but she doesn’t want to be from a broken home. She wanted him to “forgive him” and “give him another chance”. Of course she’s 12, and doesn’t really get it. So it got me thinking if she’s just being a kid, or if she will end up resenting me in the future.

3. I always have a choice, it’s my kids I’m worried about.

You'd think and assume you actually have a choice, until you're clearly out of the marriage, your eyes will open, and you'll see and know that those choices are just mirage, by then, it'll be too late for you to go back ...

impeccablephili:
You shouldn't have come online and ask for our opinion since your mind is made up.

You want us to validate your decision to break your home. When you leave your husband now you I'll start sleeping with different married men around causing problem for some other homes.

Actually I just asked for the opinion of people who have been through divorce . .

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

I believe marriage is not easy anywhere. My mother would say, give yourself time , take it to God in prayer. He can solve it all

Legitbeauru:
Look woman, your issue is you don’t like telling yourself the truth. From all your narrations so far, you have always presented yourself as blameless, and that’s where the problem lies here.

I never said I was blameless . . But I did not come here to talk about who is right or wrong. I got dragged into this conversation because I was trying to respond to some questions.

But I think I got what I need now, so thank you . .

kaymart:
"my kids" "my kids" "my kids"
Bullshit!!!!

lordkrato:
Leave them!

A lot of the time, it's because of how the man has pampered them or shown fear of losing them that they think they "Deserve better".

That's the root cause of all of this. Imagine someone who left without domestic abuse or anything said the husband went to ask her back and she went again and as it is, she's enroute the third time.

I advise the man to let her go totally. When she goes outside, then she can find what she's looking for.

There's a saying out here : "Sometimes when you treat people well, they begin to believe they deserve better".

Poster and the likes: You're 40 years of age, just know what this entails

1. Don't expect anyone to be head over heels inlove with you in the market. Men today knack and leave the next day.
2. Expect most of your romantic options to be married men or divorced men.
3. Do not think your husband would not remarry or has no options. Be prepared to be jealous when he gets a wife or steady girlfriend.
4. You need to have a purpose asides your children when you're in such state. Without that, you'll most likely turn your children to your purpose and this can lead to them turning into single mothers or you interfering in their marriages et al.
5. This decision is irreversible. Don't keep hope in your mind that he'll beg you again till the end of time. Be prepared to be single for the next 20-30 years.

Stay blessed.

This is funny . . .

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

You have not mentioned any concrete or good reason why you want to leave. Marriage is not all about feeling, you need substantive and evidence based reason to leave

letskeeptalking:
Did you have kids with your ex?

No! She couldn’t get pregnant….. My present wife is pregnant. She’s still single though

NB: She filed for the divorce for reasons best known to her…. I didn’t fight it this time because it’s the 4th time she left the house for her parents’

lordkrato:
Leave them!

A lot of the time, it's because of how the man has pampered them or shown fear of losing them that they think they "Deserve better".

That's the root cause of all of this. Imagine someone who left without domestic abuse or anything said the husband went to ask her back and she went again and as it is, she's enroute the third time.

I advise the man to let her go totally. When she goes outside, then she can find what she's looking for.

There's a saying out here : "Sometimes when you treat people well, they begin to believe they deserve better".

Poster and the likes: You're 40 years of age, just know what this entails

1. Don't expect anyone to be head over heels inlove with you in the market. Men today knack and leave the next day.
2. Expect most of your romantic options to be married men or divorced men.
3. Do not think your husband would not remarry or has no options. Be prepared to be jealous when he gets a wife or steady girlfriend.
4. You need to have a purpose asides your children when you're in such state. Without that, you'll most likely turn your children to your purpose and this can lead to them turning into single mothers or you interfering in their marriages et al.
5. This decision is irreversible. Don't keep hope in your mind that he'll beg you again till the end of time. Be prepared to be single for the next 20-30 years.

Stay blessed.

You’ve said it all. Besides, I still haven’t seen any concrete reason why she wants to end the marriage.

Firstly as long as he isn't into domestic violence, pls stay with him ! I believe you are a Christian and you know the teachings of CHRIST on divorce! Secondly, Even if you are totally fending for the family still remain in the house, I have taught woman to conquer their husbands by submission - countless testimonies ( Use your feminine power" Stoop to Conquer " In all fear GOD

Zaheertyler:
Haba seems like your ego has been hurt because of attachments
Stay in your marriage
Play your role as a wife and a mother
You can play the role and still be very formal with him make him no say you no Dey play with am
But don’t leave please
It might be really hard but years later you will be happy you didn’t leave and you will see the capacity that staying has built inside of you
Especially in helping your children and other younger people around you navigate such problems In their own time

Above all
You had a dream or passion that you had before getting married
Now might just be the time to follow it
So many things to say to you
But don’t leave
If you don’t have strength then you should draw strength from the place of prayers and keep pushing

GVTAsiwaju:
No! She couldn’t get pregnant….. My present wife is pregnant. She’s still single though

NB: She filed for the divorce for reasons best known to her…. I didn’t fight it this time because it’s the 4th time she left the house for her parents’

Thanks for sharing . .

I think most women prefer to remain single after a divorce, than go back to old patterns. When a woman decides to leave a marriage, she is ultimately making the decision to stay alone forever. Sometimes that is better than staying married to the wrong person.

MaigidaNigeria:
Firstly as long as he isn't into domestic violence, pls stay with him ! I believe you are a Christian and you know the teachings of CHRIST on divorce! Secondly, Even if you are totally fending for the family still remain in the house, I have taught woman to conquer their husbands by submission- countless testimonies ( Use your feminine power" Stoop to Conquer " In all fear GOD

Isn't the teaching of Christ that a marriage can be dissolved on the basis of infidelity?

letskeeptalking:
I think we re past that . . After 15 years, I no longer feel he is capable of change. Plus I can't help but feel resentful that it took him 15 years to want to be better for our marriage! So at this point just making the change will not do, I need reparations for what I went through.

For instance, he made me lose my years of investment over his bad decisions, refusal to listen to advise and just generally irresponsible and vindictive behavior. I don't think I will get over that until I get a refund for lost funds (plus interest).

I can name a hundred instances . . I'm just exhausted from forgiving, after already losing so much!

. It takes two to tangle, both of you are responsible for the state of this marriage, your husband need to learn how to live peacefully with a woman. It takes a lot of wisdom and lot of patience to live with a woman.
You also need to be submissive and calm. All these I need a refund plus interest, bad decisions..refusing to advise, general irresponsibility, I paid for that. and this will not bring peace. No one on this forum can give you the solution to your marriage, or give u the exact recipe to change a man or a woman. But the best thing u can do is to place it on the altar of fervent and continuous prayer for God to intercede.

letskeeptalking:
I think we re past that . . After 15 years, I no longer feel he is capable of change. Plus I can't help but feel resentful that it took him 15 years to want to be better for our marriage! So at this point just making the change will not do, I need reparations for what I went through.

For instance, he made me lose my years of investment over his bad decisions, refusal to listen to advise and just generally irresponsible and vindictive behavior. I don't think I will get over that until I get a refund for lost funds (plus interest).

I can name a hundred instances . . I'm just exhausted from forgiving, after already losing so much!

. It takes two to tangle, both of you are responsible for the state of this marriage, your husband need to learn how to live peacefully with a woman. It takes a lot of wisdom and lot of patience to live with a woman.
You also need to be submissive and calm. All these I need a refund plus interest, bad decisions..refusing to advise, general irresponsibility, I paid for that. and this will not bring peace. No one on this forum can give you the solution to your marriage, or give u the exact recipe to change a man or a woman. But the best thing u can do is to place it on the altar of fervent and continuous prayer for God to perfect ur marriage

Willie2015:
. It takes two to tangle, both of you are responsible for the state of this marriage, your husband need to learn how to live peacefully with a woman. It takes a lot of wisdom and lot of patience to live with a woman.
You also need to be submissive and calm. All these I need a refund plus interest, bad decisions..refusing to advise, general irresponsibility, I paid for that. and this will not bring peace. No one on this forum can give you the solution to your marriage, or give u the exact recipe to change a man or a woman. But the best thing u can do is to place it on the altar of fervent and continuous prayer for God to intercede.

I don't agree . . I am not responsible for the state of this marriage. . . and it took me a while to realize that. But you are right on one thing, I won't learn how to solve my problems here. I'm also not trying to solve anything.

Can't people who have gone through divorce just share their experiences and stop trying to fix my marriage? If I wanted to fix it I will be in a therapist's room, not here.

letskeeptalking:
I've thought about it, and I think I just made a mistake in my choice. Not because I was stupid, but because I was targeted and manipulated. We courted for 2 years and you know how Christian courtship is. I was too impressed with his devotion to church that I neglected to ask the right questions. Plus you know the "God said" factor . . . But now I see clearly that he is who he is . . and the apple did not fall too far from the tree.

I don't think we've ever had a good marriage, even in the early days. But I endured, mainly because of Christian guilt. I don't think I would have ever considered leaving until I started seeing the impacts of his behavior on the kids. So when he said he would change, and I was told to "teach" him how to be a good father, I thought maybe I just needed to change the way I guided him and set expectations. But I was young too when we got married, with zero experience. So why am I the one teaching him? he's 7 years older than I am, and he's not even 50 yet.

Financially we contribute equally . . he doesn't teach the kids anything, doesn't even bother with them. And you are right, the "Prince" search didn't start until recently, because he just assumed I would keep having kids until we get one. But I stopped because I had to give myself sense. Aside from paying 50% of the bills, I do ALL the chores except when the kids help. I do all the childcare because he's NEVER home, and honestly it's easier to just do it that fight with him about it.

Whew . . I never really wanted to get into details here because I genuinely hate talking about these things . . plus I don't want to misrepresent the fact, because it's impossible to make sense of these issues in a chatroom.

PS: Just to add that I wasn't trying to hide my behavior or anything. I know I behaved badly, but only in reaction to his own behavior. I would give you an instance, but I don't want to shock you But nothing I did was unprovoked. So yes, while I may have gone overboard a couple of times, it was always for a reason!

You know you made him change. It was when you stopped refusing sex he changed and you know that pretty well.

letskeeptalking:
I don't agree . . I am not responsible for the state of this marriage. . . and it took me a while to realize that. But you are right on one thing, I won't learn how to solve my problems here. I'm also not trying to solve anything.

Can't people who have gone through divorce just share their experiences and stop trying to fix my marriage? If I wanted to fix it I will be in a therapist's room, not here.

.I wish you good luck in your quest .