₦airaland Forum

**“A married woman is junior to anyone that was married into her husband's family before her and also junior to every child born before she married into the family, and she can't call them by their real names even if the person is a baby. However, if they are junior to her in age, they will also respect her in return.”**

That statement right there is what I find deeply troubling.

It is baffling to me that a form of “respect” that can directly subjugate one gender is still so tightly upheld and defended, particularly by men.

Why should a woman become “junior” simply because she married into a family later? Why should the same principle not apply equally to a man who marries into his wife's family? And why should a woman have to subordinate herself to a child simply because that child was born into the family before she married into it?

At what point do we stop calling this respect and start calling it **hierarchy and subjugation**?

And honestly, it makes me wonder about something deeper: **does the average Nigerian man truly understand love as equality, partnership and mutual dignity?**

Or has the struggle, patriarchy, social conditioning and the constant emphasis on hierarchy shaped so much of our thinking that some people genuinely struggle to recognise when a cultural practice is degrading to the other gender?

I'm not saying Nigerian men cannot love. Of course they can.

I'm questioning whether we have sometimes been taught a version of love where a woman is expected to **submit, adjust, endure and become “junior”**, while the man's position remains largely unquestioned.

A culture existing for generations doesn't automatically make every aspect of it good, fair or necessary.

We should be able to love our culture and still question it.

We should be able to respect our elders without institutionalising the subjugation of women.

And we should be able to ask uncomfortable questions about traditions that have been normalised for so long that people no longer stop to ask whether they are actually just.

**If respect is supposed to be mutual, why are the rules of “respect” so often disproportionately placed on women?**

Fridud234:
**“

It is baffling to me that a form of “respect” that can directly subjugate one gender is still so tightly upheld and defended, particularly by men.


And honestly, it makes me wonder about something deeper: **does the average Nigerian man truly understand love as equality, partnership and mutual dignity?**



A culture existing for generations doesn't automatically make every aspect of it good, fair or necessary.

Don't sweat it. This practice of subjugating women is not a culture thing but a class thing. Men are very intentional when it comes to treating a woman right. And that is why some men value their side chicks over their wives because their side chicks appear more sophisticated than their wives.

That said, which man on earth will have the audacity to tell his wife who is a billionaire's daughter how to address her in laws? But they won't hesitate to read the riot act to their wives who is a nobody.

Honestly, I don't blame the men, but the women who condone such mistreatment. You should see how some women go the extra mile to defend a man for treating them badly. With such a mindset, many women will continue to be pawns in the hands of men. So, much of the blame should go to women too for being stupid.

Na urhobo man u be Mr OP But me i no folo me i dey greet my elder brother wife wen senior me o

We4all:
Don't sweat it. This practice of subjugating women is not a culture thing but a class thing. Men are very intentional when it comes to treating a woman right. And that is why some men value their side chicks over their wives because their side chicks appear more sophisticated than their wives.

That said, which man on earth will have the audacity to tell his wife who is a billionaire's daughter how to address her in laws? But they won't hesitate to read the riot act to their wives who is a nobody.

Honestly, I don't blame the men, but the women who condone such mistreatment. You should see how some women go the extra mile to defend a man for treating them badly. With such a mindset, many women will continue to be pawns in the hands of men. So, much of the blame should go to women too for being stupid.

I actually think you have raised an important point about class and power, but I strongly disagree with your conclusion that women who tolerate or defend these practices are simply “stupid.”

In fact, your billionaire's daughter example proves something important about what I'm questioning.

If a man suddenly becomes very careful about how his wife is treated because she is a billionaire's daughter, then clearly the issue cannot simply be “Yoruba culture” or “respect for tradition.” If the same cultural rule becomes negotiable when the woman has wealth, status or a powerful family behind her, then what we are really looking at is **power and hierarchy**.

And that is exactly why I don't think we should dismiss this conversation as merely “culture.”

A woman who has no economic power may be expected to kneel, submit, endure insults, tolerate unreasonable demands from in-laws and accept being treated as “junior.” But give that same woman enormous wealth or social status, and suddenly everybody discovers another interpretation of the culture.

That tells me that these practices are not always as absolute as people pretend they are.

However, I won't join you in calling women who tolerate these things “stupid.” Many women are raised from childhood to believe that being a “good woman” means enduring, submitting, keeping the peace and protecting the man's reputation at all costs. Some women depend financially on their husbands. Some fear losing their marriages. Some have children to consider. Some have simply internalised the same patriarchal system they were raised in.

That's conditioning, not stupidity. That's Programming— a long term programming of the mind. Do you know how powerful the mind is and how difficult it is to change a mind. Look at our society. Every one! Including your reply which specifically puts a woman with money above the “supposed subjugation” a married woman is supposed to take.

And yes, women can absolutely participate in perpetuating systems that disadvantage other women. I agree with that. We should hold women accountable when they actively enforce harmful expectations on other women.

But ultimately, the existence of women who tolerate mistreatment doesn't absolve men who choose to inflict it.

My bigger question remains: **why should a woman's economic status determine whether she deserves dignity and equality?**

If a billionaire's daughter doesn't have to be treated as “junior,” then why should the woman who is a “nobody” have to be?

That is precisely the mentality I think we need to challenge. “The culture”.

This makes me wonder one more time: Do Nigerian men truly fall in love?

dollytino4real:
Na urhobo man u be Mr OP But me i no folo me i dey greet my elder brother wife wen senior me o

Na exactly this kind exception I dey talk about. You dey greet your elder brother’s wife irrespective of who senior pass—that one na mutual respect, not subjugation. And that's exactly my post. Mutual respect. And would you respect her the same way if she was your junior brother’s wife?

Fridud234:
Na exactly this kind exception I dey talk about. You dey greet your elder brother’s wife irrespective of who senior pass—that one na mutual respect, not subjugation. And that's exactly my post. Mutual respect. And would you respect her the same way if she was your junior brother’s wife?

na d junior brother wife go greet me as her elder sister, because my junior brother wife no suppose senior me

Sometimes things like this are meant to check wayward and uncouth ladies...

This is common among Yorubas, the thinking is that it's the family that married the wife not the husband.

Fridud234:
**“A married woman is junior to anyone that was married into her husband's family before her and also junior to every child born before she married into the family, and she can't call them by their real names even if the person is a baby. However, if they are junior to her in age, they will also respect her in return.”**

That statement right there is what I find deeply troubling.

It is baffling to me that a form of “respect” that can directly subjugate one gender is still so tightly upheld and defended, particularly by men.

Why should a woman become “junior” simply because she married into a family later? Why should the same principle not apply equally to a man who marries into his wife's family? And why should a woman have to subordinate herself to a child simply because that child was born into the family before she married into it?

At what point do we stop calling this respect and start calling it **hierarchy and subjugation**?

And honestly, it makes me wonder about something deeper: **does the average Nigerian man truly understand love as equality, partnership and mutual dignity?**

Or has the struggle, patriarchy, social conditioning and the constant emphasis on hierarchy shaped so much of our thinking that some people genuinely struggle to recognise when a cultural practice is degrading to the other gender?

I'm not saying Nigerian men cannot love. Of course they can.

I'm questioning whether we have sometimes been taught a version of love where a woman is expected to **submit, adjust, endure and become “junior”**, while the man's position remains largely unquestioned.

A culture existing for generations doesn't automatically make every aspect of it good, fair or necessary.

We should be able to love our culture and still question it.

We should be able to respect our elders without institutionalising the subjugation of women.

And we should be able to ask uncomfortable questions about traditions that have been normalised for so long that people no longer stop to ask whether they are actually just.

**If respect is supposed to be mutual, why are the rules of “respect” so often disproportionately placed on women?**

Yes African culture. So she should know her place

illicit:
Sometimes things like this are meant to check wayward and uncouth ladies...

duduade:
Yes African culture. So she should know her place

What is the wife's place?

Besides African culture involves rituals, human sacrifices, slave trade et al.

I hope you still participate in them.

bukatyne:

Yeah

I said what I said

Arr u wayward

Sometimes it is a cultural thing. If you want me to call my junior "aunty" or "Uncle", it's fine by me. I will give you that title as you are collecting from me.

"Aunty Somto, your head is not correct. Shut your filthy mouth there before thunder will strike you."

You know, stuff like that. That smallie who will disrespect me and get away with it because of one cultural loophole has not been born.

I don't see the big deal in this issue. I see nothing wrong in this cultural practice that promotes mutual respect and line of hierarchy. In cooperate world culture is practiced, your colleagues in the same cadre who came in before you are your senior colleagues irrespective of age. You're married into the family and those who are there before you are your senior that doesn't mean they won't respect you. More especially if they find out you're their senior age wise. Let's not look down on our culture our ancestors were not drafts... even the Western world still uphold their culture with all it's rituals . Reading in-between lines, I will say your concern is that the same faith doesn't apply to men in the woman's family. Don't forget that in most cases equality is not justice/equity. Once a woman is married she has formed a new unit were the man is the head and she if she is family oriented, she should also find her square-root in the extended family tree. Let's learn to appreciate our culture. The obnoxious once we can amend it but the one you raised here should be upheld.