₦airaland Forum

Pinky and the brain was my favourite cartoon. So I easily figured it out wat the story is all about.
Nice work...bro, hope to read more of your works sooner

I'm liking this already. Nice style

This post was created in 2011 and hit front page in 2015..lesson 1: never ever give up.

Jasi7:
This thread is 13years old....can u imagine?...ishilove no b small pikin again o!!!

Okay oh. And which software gives you 13 from 11 - 15. Lemme guess....'Microsoft Retardation?...

StealthIdeals:
One of the reasons behind the use of 'big words' by most Nigerian writers, I think, is because they have not simplicity in mind. If we all subscribe to simple grammatical flow of words, how do you diffrentiate men from boys? What I think about this work is that the storyline is not fit for heavy use of windy sentences. Besides, I've read Ishilove's works before; she's an avid thinker.

Your response is even more complex than the problem you address.

chai, all dis grammar wey u waste on top how to kill rats. E don reach person write project o!
B4 the first one died, e would have seen things.

Reference:
Your response is even more complex than the problem you address.

My brother! more lyk ,using a sledge hammer to kill an ant.

Okay, you guys think this is a joking matter abi?...but what a coincidence?

You even went as far as giving them such fancy names as "Gonzales, Spiky"... when plain simple annoying names like "Kamoru" would have suffice?
No offence to Kamoru, he is just the neighbourhood Bully that would never get off my mind, for over forty years when we were kids in the same Primary school!

By the way, wifey told me car Wiper is no longer working and l find that impossible... for a new SUV that we hardly use?
I did the normal checks and found that the Wiper Engine was working (wiper moves) but washer was not spraying water even though l had filled the bottle to the top?
When l opened the hood, lo and behold, Kamoru and his kinsmen had turned the Engine compartment into an upscale 3-bed apartment, like it was Fashola's low-cost housing... except that this one if free!

As l asked wifey to keep pumping the Wiper while l was wondering what could be the problem ..though l did notice some "oblong, evil smelling droppings" of Kamoru around the engine.... but what caught my attention was water dripping on my shoes like Kamoru was actually taunting me by urinating on my well-polished shoes!
For a minute, l was like Kamoru, if this is true, l have to learn how to eat four-legeds like you as that is what would please me the most!

When l looked down and closer, i realized that the water that was supposed to go through the hose into the wiper, was what was leaking on my shoes!
Kamoru and his gangs have eaten the hose half way and thus the pressure was just leaking out with the water!

I nearly cried, to think that upon that, he has ruined my shoes!
I love animals but today, l decied that l have to invest in the best "Chop and Dry" that money can buy so off l went like l was shopping for something more important along the lines of a Valentine Gift for wifey!

I bought assorted "weapons" that would shame even ISIS or Boko haram!
From "Powdered" one, to "Book of Death" (yes, l sabi that one wella but the bastards in my area are known to know how to side step them or "connive together" to pull a "fallen one" out of its clutch!).
I also bought a new type called "Biscuit". ......Solid, evil-smelling and looks like a Biscuit!

I was grinning when l came back home that wifey looked at me curiously and asked if some under-Gee had made a pass at me on my way back?

I cleaned up the Engine area and laced everywhere with my WMD and invited Kamoru to try me again!

Luckily, the hose was not very expensive but nothing has given me much pleasure, waking up on a Monday morning, which is not very pleasurable, than to find some "king-size kamoru" and his entire clan, sprawled in very oblique positions and one "leaner" amongst them who came late to the party, was still in the throes of death!

The way he jerked and wriggled, with saliva foaming around the corners of his twitching mouth...
Cheesux! I never knew l have the capacity to derive so much joy from watching a horror movie like Kamoru's cousin gasping for breath!
I had to ask for forgiveness afterwards because l could almost have had an orgasm from the pleasure.

They cleared all my "Biscuits" and l in-turn, cleared all of them so much so that neighbours were giving their own "testimonies and thanking me" for being pro-active!
Next time you have a problem with the Kamorus, please dont even bother with the "Book of Death".... "Biscuits" are the bomb!
"We haar now Dishiital, we haar no longer hanalog" .....in Mama P's voice!

Lastpage!

^^^Lastpage

Nice piece, OP!

And this is just getting to front page after tqo years :-g
if it was some pooo about Tonto Dike..... D MODS must be sleeping :-)

be ready alwaysbe ready alwaysbe ready always

please how do I make a post headline

Topic of December 2011 making front page on February 2015. This mods self, they must be high on cheap weed

Ishilove:
Life, they say, is a battle field. In my family’s case, one of life’s many battles started roughly around the time Speedy Gonzalez, stationed in Big Sister’s, room joined forces with Pinky and the Brain in Mother’s room and tried to take over the world; their own concept of the world being confined to that cosy little bungalow located at No 10 Ayo Akanji Street, Oriental Rd, Lagos, Nigeria, Africa.

In consternation and near helplessness, we turned to The Good Book for nuggets of wisdom and direction on how to deal with our most irritating and unwelcome vagabond guests, and ultimately we were led to the Book of Death . . .

Now let’s be brutally honest with ourselves here; every family harbours kindred of Pinky and the Brain in the crannies of their abodes, but I am fairly certain that the ones living in No 10 Ayo Akanji Street were directly descended from dinosaurs.

So great were they in size and in meanness of disposition that when my Aunty Justina, who came for a visit caught a glimpse of the massive receding hindquarters of one of Speedy Gonzalez’s kinfolks, she shrieked

“Oburogwoloko, na bush rabbit una dey train for here??!!?”

Mother, discomfited, had proceeded to recount the gory tales of our torment's in the claws of these mangy cretins to Aunty, complete with graphic images of shredded clothes and books, desecrated salt containers, despoiled foodstuffs, violated Indomie cartons, half eaten shoes and a host of other soul shrinking horrors.

As fate would have it, much later that day, in the dead of night to be precise, Aunty had gone to ease herself. As she approached the toilet, she heard what sounded like inhuman screams coming from the toilet area. Lion-hearted woman that she is, she cautiously advanced towards the toilet. NEPA (for they will forever remain NEPA to my generation, no matter what name the government chooses to give them) had fortunately forgotten to do what they were best at in our neck of the jungle. As a result Aunty was able to switch the bulb in the toilet on when she got to the entrance. The screams were coming from a four-legged resident who had had the misfortune to slip and tumble into the toilet bowl on its way to an assault on our food store.

Aunty, a most pious woman, on beholding this sight and unmindful of the lateness of the hour, crowed in absolute delight:

“Retribution. Lo, the Lord hath delivered thee into mine hands for punishment!!!”

As she recounted with great relish the following day, she lifted her lappa and positioned her great African behind over the drenched rodent scrabbling frantically about in the slippery toilet bowl. The cretin, on sighting this behemoth buttocks and sensing that the end was very near indeed, resumed its pitiful wailing.

However, Aunty, bent on exacting vengeance on behalf of everybody, was deaf to its pleas. She let rip a steaming stream of fiery urine on the hapless creature who screeched even louder at this painfully undignifying treatment. To conclude the execution, Aunty flushed the nasty little beast into oblivion.

“That’s one down, about a hundred more to go,” Younger Brother remarked wryly after Aunty gleefully finished recounting her nocturnal adventure. We all solemnly agreed with him.

Our “lodgers” became bolder and bolder by the weeks and it got to a point where they stopped darting around the house and simply took to taking leisurely strolls, totally unmindful of the presence of humans. Now you might find this hard to believe, but remember Yours Truly mentioned at the beginning of this narrative that the kinfolk of Speedy Gonzalez who occupied NO 10 Ayo Akanji Street were entirely in a class of their own.

The straw that pulverised the camel’s back was The Incident at the Family Meeting.

THE INCIDENT AT THE FAMILY MEETING

It was Father’s turn to host the bi-monthly family meeting and as a result we made sure the house was more spic and span than usual.

When our brethren were assembled in the parlour and the usual high level, top secret discussions bordering on state security was in full swing, Speedy Gonzalez himself, in all his bedraggled grandeur, glided genteely past our disbelieving gaze, on his way to some errands beneath the television shelf.

Our brethren, perhaps out of embarrassment on our behalf pretended not to notice this furry intrusion and carried on as if nothing happened.

However, Speedy was not as sensitive as our brethren. To our utter vexation, he proceeded to make such a hullabaloo that Father, mortified beyond words was forced to put a halt to proceedings in order to allow Younger Brother fish out Speedy and dispatch him to his maker.

This incidence marked the beginning of the end for our malodourous, four-legged vagabond residents because Mother declared an all-out war on them after this event.

We thence tried a series of devices ranging from poisons to traps, all to no avail.

One momentous day, Yours Truly was idly leafing through a do-it-yourself handbook called The Good Book, when lo and behold, an answer to the problem of our irksome, disease carrying co-habitants was revealed.

ENTER. . . THE BOOK OF DEATH

The Good Book directed us to the Book of Death. This book, when opened and left in the path of creepy crawlies ensured that they never stepped foot again on solid ground.

Big Sister was the first to try The Book. At first it caught the occasional Cockroach {another despicable creature}, the over-adventurous wall gecko, ant and spider. When we had all but given up hope, it finally caught two of late Speedy’s kinfolks. Simultaneously! O what a happy day for Big Sister!!

With high hopes Mother took a copy of the Book to her room, and in no time Pinky and the Brain were uprooted and shipped off to the Land of No Return. In less than a month there was a noticeable decrease in the pest population in NO 10 Ayo Akanji Street, Oriental rd., Lagos, Nigeria, Africa.

The battle rages on though. It is not yet Uhuru in that cosy little bungalow where my heart lives. We often have to fortify our foodstuff with brick, mortar, concrete and The Book of Death against a possible coup by our four legged enemies. We always have to be on the alert; never allow them even the slightest advantage over us because if we do, dislodging them will be very, very difficult.

However, in all these we are more than conquerors.

THE END





Note: “Speedy Gonzalez” and “Pinky and the Brain” are the names of two very popular cartoon characters

Just in case you didn't know

Hmm,..excellent write up.

That your aunty get mind o But mehn you are so right. The first day I used The Book Of Death on my house, I caught about 8 of those critters at once. My brother dubbed me The Great Mice Trapper

observing from the roof of my car.

Laughing my ass off

Thanks ishilove and Mr lastpage

I know the feeling..

Just that book of death can't work for this tenants of ours..

The biscuit method on my mind now

That's talent. I see the swag on your delivery. I salute

Very nice. I wonder whether you are a novelist. Please,I need that book of death too

I de com make I type.

Ahhh, book of death, No pharoah, no mummy, no hamunaptra, no imhotep, no anubis- amadioha no dey!!!


Lool-Great african behind

Bulshit

Ishilove:
Life, they say, is a battle field. In my family’s case, one of life’s many battles started roughly around the time Speedy Gonzalez, stationed in Big Sister’s, room joined forces with Pinky and the Brain in Mother’s room and tried to take over the world; their own concept of the world being confined to that cosy little bungalow located at No 10 Ayo Akanji Street, Oriental Rd, Lagos, Nigeria, Africa.

In consternation and near helplessness, we turned to The Good Book for nuggets of wisdom and direction on how to deal with our most irritating and unwelcome vagabond guests, and ultimately we were led to the Book of Death . . .

Now let’s be brutally honest with ourselves here; every family harbours kindred of Pinky and the Brain in the crannies of their abodes, but I am fairly certain that the ones living in No 10 Ayo Akanji Street were directly descended from dinosaurs.

So great were they in size and in meanness of disposition that when my Aunty Justina, who came for a visit caught a glimpse of the massive receding hindquarters of one of Speedy Gonzalez’s kinfolks, she shrieked

“Oburogwoloko, na bush rabbit una dey train for here??!!?”

Mother, discomfited, had proceeded to recount the gory tales of our torment's in the claws of these mangy cretins to Aunty, complete with graphic images of shredded clothes and books, desecrated salt containers, despoiled foodstuffs, violated Indomie cartons, half eaten shoes and a host of other soul shrinking horrors.

As fate would have it, much later that day, in the dead of night to be precise, Aunty had gone to ease herself. As she approached the toilet, she heard what sounded like inhuman screams coming from the toilet area. Lion-hearted woman that she is, she cautiously advanced towards the toilet. NEPA (for they will forever remain NEPA to my generation, no matter what name the government chooses to give them) had fortunately forgotten to do what they were best at in our neck of the jungle. As a result Aunty was able to switch the bulb in the toilet on when she got to the entrance. The screams were coming from a four-legged resident who had had the misfortune to slip and tumble into the toilet bowl on its way to an assault on our food store.

Aunty, a most pious woman, on beholding this sight and unmindful of the lateness of the hour, crowed in absolute delight:

“Retribution. Lo, the Lord hath delivered thee into mine hands for punishment!!!”

As she recounted with great relish the following day, she lifted her lappa and positioned her great African behind over the drenched rodent scrabbling frantically about in the slippery toilet bowl. The cretin, on sighting this behemoth buttocks and sensing that the end was very near indeed, resumed its pitiful wailing.

However, Aunty, bent on exacting vengeance on behalf of everybody, was deaf to its pleas. She let rip a steaming stream of fiery urine on the hapless creature who screeched even louder at this painfully undignifying treatment. To conclude the execution, Aunty flushed the nasty little beast into oblivion.

“That’s one down, about a hundred more to go,” Younger Brother remarked wryly after Aunty gleefully finished recounting her nocturnal adventure. We all solemnly agreed with him.

Our “lodgers” became bolder and bolder by the weeks and it got to a point where they stopped darting around the house and simply took to taking leisurely strolls, totally unmindful of the presence of humans. Now you might find this hard to believe, but remember Yours Truly mentioned at the beginning of this narrative that the kinfolk of Speedy Gonzalez who occupied NO 10 Ayo Akanji Street were entirely in a class of their own.

The straw that pulverised the camel’s back was The Incident at the Family Meeting.

THE INCIDENT AT THE FAMILY MEETING

It was Father’s turn to host the bi-monthly family meeting and as a result we made sure the house was more spic and span than usual.

When our brethren were assembled in the parlour and the usual high level, top secret discussions bordering on state security was in full swing, Speedy Gonzalez himself, in all his bedraggled grandeur, glided genteely past our disbelieving gaze, on his way to some errands beneath the television shelf.

Our brethren, perhaps out of embarrassment on our behalf pretended not to notice this furry intrusion and carried on as if nothing happened.

However, Speedy was not as sensitive as our brethren. To our utter vexation, he proceeded to make such a hullabaloo that Father, mortified beyond words was forced to put a halt to proceedings in order to allow Younger Brother fish out Speedy and dispatch him to his maker.

This incidence marked the beginning of the end for our malodourous, four-legged vagabond residents because Mother declared an all-out war on them after this event.

We thence tried a series of devices ranging from poisons to traps, all to no avail.

One momentous day, Yours Truly was idly leafing through a do-it-yourself handbook called The Good Book, when lo and behold, an answer to the problem of our irksome, disease carrying co-habitants was revealed.

ENTER. . . THE BOOK OF DEATH

The Good Book directed us to the Book of Death. This book, when opened and left in the path of creepy crawlies ensured that they never stepped foot again on solid ground.

Big Sister was the first to try The Book. At first it caught the occasional Cockroach {another despicable creature}, the over-adventurous wall gecko, ant and spider. When we had all but given up hope, it finally caught two of late Speedy’s kinfolks. Simultaneously! O what a happy day for Big Sister!!

With high hopes Mother took a copy of the Book to her room, and in no time Pinky and the Brain were uprooted and shipped off to the Land of No Return. In less than a month there was a noticeable decrease in the pest population in NO 10 Ayo Akanji Street, Oriental rd., Lagos, Nigeria, Africa.

The battle rages on though. It is not yet Uhuru in that cosy little bungalow where my heart lives. We often have to fortify our foodstuff with brick, mortar, concrete and The Book of Death against a possible coup by our four legged enemies. We always have to be on the alert; never allow them even the slightest advantage over us because if we do, dislodging them will be very, very difficult.

However, in all these we are more than conquerors.

THE END





Note: “Speedy Gonzalez” and “Pinky and the Brain” are the names of two very popular cartoon characters

Just in case you didn't know

what is this nonsense?

Can i borrow your pen? I lost mine in my dream

I wil like to read the book of life.

Great, intelligent piece

Ok