₦airaland Forum

Read it on your blog yesterday. 'The white pant' thing still cracks me up each time I remember it .


I hope you still have the white pant as a souvenir

Those big white pants is one hell of a title. And for d first time i laughed out loud Lolssss

Nice hilarious well written n direct,honestly could not differentiate if it's fictional or reality but all d same I really like d part which talks about 'alter ego running 2 d bathroom n returning.

I guess this is fictional.

If any lady let's a man into her room late night, She must be a slut.

BellaBambina:
Adewale!!!! Isalrite o. I might be your mum or neighbour you know...lol

Cud be ooo...,u cud b my neighbour cos my mum is nt on NL...,
I leave around dat sambisa forest d river beside it to b precise....,wbu

Lol!

Psalmwise:



Cud be ooo...,u cud b my neighbour cos my mum is nt on NL...,
I leave around dat sambisa forest d river beside it to b precise....,wbu

Lwkmfh! Such an hilarious and beautiful write-up. Something tells me it's a fiction though.

standd:
Thanks
But I am not a flawless writer..
My secret though is reading a lot, I am a book junkie and I guess it wouldn't be fair to have read so many books and not let them pass through me. So, right now I can comfortably pen down anything without stress, all the years of spending my pocket money in book clubs paid off after all.

I see.....Thanks a bunch

Trinxie:
Hmmm "Fulatanci?"

Your signature say u are Yoruba-fulani... Fulani people speak fulatanci....

Wonderfully hilarious... Just beautiful... You write like Sebozakura Kageyoshi, Foxy Flow and Ishilove rolled into one...

I just love ur style...

Hope to write like u some day.

Capableben:
Your signature say u are Yoruba-fulani... Fulani people speak fulatanci....

.
Lol...I dont understand the Fulani Language...just understand Yoruba

standd:
*Blushing from Gaza to Iraq*

Merci

Hmmm, please don't let those ISIS guys get hold of you oh. From all indications, they are far worse than the Boko boys oh.

Trinxie:
.
Lol...I dont understand the Fulani Language...just understand Yoruba

Motigbo! but if that's so, your signature is misleading then......lol

lol

Capableben:
Motigbo! but if that's so, your signature is misleading then......lol

Nah, not misleading...u don't necessarily ignore who u are just because u cant speak your language.

toykathy:
buoye1, psalmwise, harjibolar, harjibolar10, u guys need to see dis i swear. O dun baje.
Weldone Standd, me likey.

Mama toykathy.. ..
No be my fault say I dey show now ooo, na because. .. . You know now
Here I am anyway
Thanks ma lady


Standd, I get that kind daddy for my hood also, he always force himself on small small ladies also, but me never see him peck thou


Nice one Standd

harjibolar10:
Mama toykathy.. ..
No be my fault say I dey show now ooo, na because. .. . You know now
Here I am anyway
Thanks ma lady


Standd, I get that kind daddy for my hood also, he always force himself on small small ladies also, but me never see him peck thou


Nice one Standd

stop ur noise jhur. Psalm is writing noise maker o

harjibolar10:
Mama toykathy.. ..
No be my fault say I dey show now ooo, na because. .. . You know now
Here I am anyway
Thanks ma lady


Standd, I get that kind daddy for my hood also, he always force himself on small small ladies also, but me never see him peck thou


Nice one Standd

Thanks Harjibolar

toykathy:
stop ur noise jhur. Psalm is writing noise maker o

Oga psalm no fit write ma name now

standd:
Thanks Harjibolar

You are welcome Jawe Standd to sure

standd:
Standd ©2015
The Big White Pant.
All rights reserved.

***
A couple of years ago, I was posted to serve my country in Edo State, Nigeria.
If you are not a Nigerian, you may not know that Nigerian graduates go through a compulsory 1year scheme after graduating from the University or Polytechnic.
During this scheme, we are called youth corp members, paid a monthly stipend of #19,800 or about $100 and we adorn the green and white khaki, proudly serving our country, under the sun and in the rain.

So I was a youth Corp member, serving my country in Edo State, Nigeria.
Two months after I resumed at my place of primary assignment, I visited a friend at her lodge and met a man in her room. The man introduced himself as the Branch Manager of a certain bank in town.
My friend was posted to the same bank and I simply assumed that the BM was her friend.

****
One cool evening, I closed from work and strolled into my lodge, standing right in front of my door was the same BM I met at my friend's place when I went visiting. I greeted him politely and though the question on the tip on my tongue was how he got my address. I opened my door and ushered him in politely.

That was the beginning of my woes.
I offered him water and he grinned and asked for a plate of food instead. I smiled and pretended I did not hear his request. I had barely closed my door when my 'dear' BM asked if he could remove his 'very fine' and ultra-expensive T.M. Lewin shirt. His excuse was my very hot and stuffy room.

*my heart rumbled in angered constrictions and palpitated in bloated annoyance at the audacity of my uninvited guest*

But my mouth curled in a sly smile and I even apologized for my very stuffy room. The BM did not bat an eye as he stripped off his shirt.

*wonders shall never end, my mind whispered as my invisible alter-ego clapped her hands together in wonderment*

Yet, my mouth remained in it's state of perpetual closure with a small smile curving my lips in veiled cynicism.

*When and how did you meet this man, my invisible alter-ego sneered and asked me*

The man is already sitting comfortably on my well laid bed, his eyes roving aimlessly like a common thief about to pick pockets in a crowded place.

****
He began to churn out series of questions in a bid to get familiar. After a while, I asked him how he got my home address and why he came to visit without seeking my consent first.
He explained how he got smitten the first day we met at my friend's place, and how he couldn't resist trailing me until he got my address.

He talked for over an hour, I would nod my head, wriggle my fingers, shift my body like a shape-shifter and frown my face in hopes that he would read my body language and leave. If body-language perception was a course, this man would surely fail with a BIG F.
He continued to yarn 'dust' but when he asked for a plate of food again, I quickly rushed into the kitchen to prepare a pot of jollof rice...glad that I won't have to see his scraggly self for several minutes.

****
After eating his fill and stretching his bow-legs across my single chair, he resumed his absurd tirade. But this time, the BM did not mince words when he asked me to be his slut. He ranted on and on about being the Alpha and Omega of several Millions in Naira and a plethora of other properties.
He professed lust and narrated how his heart skipped the first day he saw me.
In rushed sentences, the grown man with a pot-belly, bow-legs and a set of sparkling white teeth described without halt, how we should tangle limbs and make sweet sweet love.

Oh! He promised me a corner in his already crowded heart- Confided in me that he is married to 'a very short and ugly woman' who thankfully, had enough sense to give him 'bright and beautiful children'.
He promised to take good care of me, told me he has a nice pad in town, two cars with factory fitted AC, a generator that is always fuelled (now I don't blame him, I blame PHCN staff whose sociopathic tendencies includes hoarding of power and my boss who prohibited us from switching on the lodge's generating set until 10pm everyday). He said his wife is far away in a distant town and never visit without calling first, he also said he will buy me everything I ask for. He promised me the National Stadium in Lagos, the Museum in Paris and The White House in USA. 

*my invisible alter-ego fainted from all his lies*

My jaws slacked and I opened my mouth in awe, even as words fail me...The glint from the ring on his finger combined with the intensity of his burning vigour almost blinded me.

The audacity, the lewdness and the brashness of a typical cheating husband.

I stood up from my bed, picked up his shirt and flung it across my room onto his laps and ordered him out of my room.


*****

.....I flung his shirt at him and made for the door. As I made to pass by the BM, his hands flew out and he grabbed my arms, I paused and directed a scorching look his way, wrenched my arms from his grip and finally opened my door.

"Mr. BM, find your way out or I will scream till all the youth Corp members here come to my door"

The evil BM laughed and fixed a searing gaze at me as he buttoned his shirt.
Then he reached into his wallet, counted crisp #1000 notes and dropped them on my table.

Before I could open my mouth to ask him to pick up his filthy crispy-new Naira notes, my invisible alter-ego stood up from the spot where she had fainted earlier and choked me with a dare-devil grip.

I could not utter a word as the BM sauntered out of my room, leaving behind the scintillating scent of his signature perfume and memories of his very filthy proposition.

'Me, Me!! To become a slut' I spoke to myself in whispers.

*But you collected his money- my invisible alter-ego taunted*

'I did not collect his money, He dropped his money on my table and you choked me and prevented me from asking him to pick up his filthy money'

*My invisible alter-ego scoffed at me before dissolving into the shadows of my now dark room*

****
I picked up the money and convinced myself it was his way of paying for my steamy plate of jollof rice and compensation for subjecting me to hours of vile and putrid talk.

The next day, I paid a visit to my friend and told her everything that happened in my room the previous day.
My friend bursted into this very devilish laughter and almost choked on her own hiccups... When she calmed down, she explained to me that the BM had called her on the phone to complain that I am a witch, he even told her that I looked at him like I wanted to split his skull open with a knife.
The very shameless man then asked her to plead with me to accept his proposal.

I just kept mute while she spoke and then later asked her to go with me to a Mart where I spent half of  the BM's evil money on her. That way, my conscience became clear and my alter-ego even gave me a thumbs-up.

***
A week passed, then two weeks, then three weeks later, I was on my bed, having another heated argument with the alter-ego in my room when I felt something shifting outside my window.
I peeked at my wall-clock and saw that it was some minutes before midnight. I sneaked away from my bed like the self-trained CIA agent that I was, picked up my very stout and deadly 4-inched platform shoes and moved stealthily like Jack Bauer towards the window.
I shifted the curtains and peeked at the intruder outside my window. The sight of the unmistakable silhouette that met my eyes was cataclysmic to say the least, prior to that night, my mind had been building up to this sight while I painted different scenarios that made even my alter-ego shiver in anticipated dread.
I thought a burglar had visited me but when I parted my curtains, standing by my window was the evil BM ( kindly disregard the fact that I spent his crispy new Naira notes), he was clutching his bag and his very rumpled Suit jacket.

I flinched and recoiled from the window like one stung by bees, I stood stiffly like a mannequin, wishing him away and cursing myself for not paying keen attention to all the Jack Bauer moves I had practiced while watching 24.
He did not go away and I could not hold my breath anymore so I forced myself out of my mannequin-pose and asked...

"Who is there?"

"Mr. Ucee. The BM."

*My invisible alter-ego jumped away from the bed and quietly sneaked into the bathroom, obviously she lost faith in her abilities to ward of devilish BMs*

"BM, what are you doing here by this time of the night?"

"I had to work late, my car was faulty, and I am afraid I can not go home because of tales of people getting kidnapped in this part of town."

"Okay, you are the BM, they could come here to kidnap you. I am not a member of the NPF, pls go home, please."

*I also muttered to myself that I can not be Jack Bauer so I have to stop watching 24*

"I can't go home, pls open the door, your neighbours are starting to switch on their lights, it's awkward standing out here alone."

"Pls go home, I don't know you, I just met you and where have you been sleeping whenever you worked late...I mean before we met?"

"Pls, don't let them kidnap me out here." He pleaded.

We argued back and forth until my alter-ego sprang out from the bathroom to open the door. I swear, it wasn't me. I was frozen in place...my alter-ego must have opened that door.

***
I was not angry when he asked to use my bathroom or when he asked for dinner..But I couldn't hold my rage when he spread himself like a vulture on my bed and wriggled out of all his cloths to bare his very hideous briefs- The big white pant.

I stared daggers at him but he ignored me.
There and then, I knew this man was a veteran at forcing himself on young women. He has no iota of shame or self-respect whatsoever.

*My overzealous alter-ego bursted into laughter at the sight of BMs white pant.

I could not decide which is more outrageous, a full-grown man with no self-respect, his oversized white pants, or the fully erect but stunted pecker..... striving for relevance when it is not even longer than my thumb.

*sighs*

BM passed the night in my room and I did not sleep a wink. One would have thought that I laid beside molten lava as the heat emanating from BMs side of the bed could cook red beans till it's done. I began the ageless task of 'swatting mosquitoes'.
The devilish BM would stretch his hands towards my breasts while feigning deep sleep. While myself and the invisible alter-ego continued to swat off his hands.
At a point, BM moved his big-white-pant-clad groin close to my bum, I did not need to move away as I knew that even when fully-erect, his tiny pecker could not cover the distance, try as he may.

****
Then he finally slept, after hours of puffing hot-molten air close to my head.
I wondered why the kidnappers failed to grab him on his way here, I also wondered why a married man would stoop so low to stylishly want to force himself on a young naive youth corp member like me.

*scoffs*

Hmmmmn, I denied myself sleep and kept watch till dawn. When my clock struck 6am, I quickly got up from the bed, wore my clothes, wrote a note asking the BM to drop my key under the foot-mat outside my door. I packed a small bag and ran out of my room.

*****
I stayed away from my room for 2 weeks, and avoided going near the bank even when I ran out of cash.
The day I decided to go back home, I pleaded with my friend to go with me. We met my bewildered neighbours who regaled us with tales of a tall, handsome man who always showed up at my door late at night. For five days, they watched him come and go. The shameless man, what nerves! I fumed....

Then I picked up my key from under the foot mat and as we entered my room, the sight that greeted us was indescribable....

Oh Gawd!

Staring right at us from it's perch on the straight-backed chair was the Big White Pant.

BM left his pant in my room, the hideous pant.

My friend clutched her stomach, doubled over and laughed until she began to hoot..

My invisible alter-ego fainted again...

And I sank to my knees and bursted into tears.
Oh! How I detest that white pant and its owner.

*****
I did not see or hear from the BM until I concluded service and left Edo state. I made sure to package his Big White Pant and sent it to him through my friend working with him.

Till date, I shiver when I see big white pants...I guess the BM is to blame.

~The End~


****
Thank you for reading.
Kindly share and like this post, you can also leave a comment and let us know what you would have done if faced with a cheating husband bent on having his way with you.
             
*****
Visit my blog: chesapeakesblues

Standd,
Feb 23, 2015.

u try sef,if na me,I won't allow him into my room,d night he came,I will allow him sleep at my door(dat kind of person cn rape or use diobolic power on a person)with d way u sound u went to a private school.

SAVEDBABA:
u try sef,if na me,I won't allow him into my room,d night he came,I will allow him sleep at my door(dat kind of person cn rape or use diobolic power on a person)with d way u sound u went to a private school.

Lol

standd:
Lol

am I mistaken u went to a frivate school

Dyoungstar:
I guess this is fictional.

If any lady let's a man into her room late night, She must be a slut.

Lmaooo Did you seriously type this with a straight face? I bet you are kidding jor.

Very hilarious...got me giggling since I read it,"the big white pant"
He even left it for you to come back and meet it in your room,Stewpeed man

u ar indeed a prolific writer and if i hav ur name, i tink u do bcom an author i want to read her works. thanks 4 the write-up

dbestuncle:
u ar indeed a prolific writer and if i hav ur name, i tink u do bcom an author i want to read her works. thanks 4 the write-up

Thank you for reading Glad you liked it

Nd i sat on d toilet seat nd laughed ma ass out gently washed ma butt nd hands got out nd suddenly burst out laughing buhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

TODAY THE VOTING OF MISS NAIRALAND ELIMINATION ROUND 1 COMMENCES AND TWO OF OUR LITERATURE-LANDERS ARE PARTICIPATING..THEY ARE ONE OF US, LET US SHOW THEM SUPPORT BY CLICKING THIS LINK
https://www.nairaland.com/2320383/miss-nairaland-contest-2015-elimination
AND TYPE:
I VOTE ADEH39
I VOTE MARIAMFERANMI
I VOTE AIPETEE2
Cc:nljega
Tanx for your coperation

harjibolar10:
TODAY THE VOTING OF MISS NAIRALAND ELIMINATION ROUND 1 COMMENCES AND TWO OF OUR LITERATURE-LANDERS ARE PARTICIPATING..THEY ARE ONE OF US, LET US SHOW THEM SUPPORT BY CLICKING THIS LINK
https://www.nairaland.com/2320383/miss-nairaland-contest-2015-elimination
AND TYPE:
I VOTE ADEH39
I VOTE MARIAMFERANMI
I VOTE AIPETEE2
Cc:nljega
Tanx for your coperation

What's happening? You have spammed almost all the threads in this section with this same post. Why?

standd:
What's happening? You have spammed almost all the threads in this section with this same post. Why?

All in the name of campaign I guess. .. And you can only see it here on literature section


Jahbless, your vote count ma'am

Standd please give me permission to copy this story on my blog. I will credit you as the writer and owner of the story. Please....