₦airaland Forum

Marriage is a school where you can't finish learning. I have searched through my mind about who to share this with, but I couldn't get anyone.

Since I had my first child, my MIL is always fond of saying that my daughter is her last child...my husband is the first and only son. There was even a day at the hospital that she made a statement (I can't remember what she said exactly but I knew my mum responded to her that "I will be alive to take care of my child and the other ones that will come afterwards). Since then, she always want to have a final say over anything that has to do with my daughter- her name, her birth certificate, when to cut her hair, where to have the naming ceremony even up till the point that she said she wanted to breastfeed my child (but I told my husband about this and he said it is impossible). Anytime I take care of my baby (maybe when bathing her or dressing her up), I get afraid of losing her to my MIL- for whatever reason. I am always afraid, and sometimes, it brings tears from my eyes. This morning, I summoned the courage to discuss my fears with my husband. He said what I said was gave him headache, and he hopes I am not expecting him to tell his mum to stop calling my daughter her daughter and that it is a normal thing. I told him he can't even do that, but I was just discussing my fear with him...going by her utterances. He kept quite for sometime and walked out on me. I didn't say anything afterwards till I left home for work. Please, what am I supposed to do? Am I unnecessarily being afraid?

Another issue: I am planning to buy a car, in fact, I should pay for the car before the end of today. The person that wants to sell the car to me wants to know whose name he should put on it. If you are in my shoes, whose name will you put? Your name, your husband's name, or Mr. & Mrs. .......
(My husband does not have one, and he hasn't bought one before).

Ps: I have only asked genuine questions, please do not pass insults. Thanks.

What your mother inlaw is doin is far from normal,please pray over this and keep cool.does you hubby know you are buying a car?il advise you buy in both your names so that the tension in the home dont rise more!

Husbands never see the danger until they're subjected to it.

Your MIL is taking things a bit too far. And this is touchy. So either start politely saying "yes mama Titi is a pretty name" and keep calling her Bisi or whatever you and your hubby named her (that's politely ignoring your mum) and carry your child to your mum. If your hubby notices his child isn't in the house and queries you, say "oh my mum wanted her little girl with her and even gave her a name, Solape". Even better, let your mum be coming to your home to enact this same controlling behaviour on your child for your hubby to see. When he complains, quietly tell him perhaps it is best both mothers are given boundaries for your child.

No grandparent owns your child. My mum and MIL hav access to my child because I and my husband are sharing that priviledge with them, not because they have a right.

My mum sounds like your MIL. And know this, for some silly reason a lot of men view their wives as combatants, not as helpmeets. So when their wives say something they feel is contrary to what they think (or may not have noticed), they act like it is a fight and put up their shoulders, rather than take it as a suggestion and valid thought from the other half of their brains. That's probably why he walked out.

That's why they need marital training for men on church but....

As for you, I'm guessing you're a new mum. relax these over protective feelings will reduce (that's the reason you're in tears when you bathe your child).

As for the car, put it in your name if it was all your effort. Did he bring out money for it? If he did, put it in both of your names. You and your hubby own everything together. Everything, abeg let us stop this nonsense whereby men keep saying they are paying for everything whilst the woman adds nothing to the house, every meal she used her money to make gives her partial ownership.

But let him know in a gentle voice you're getting a car (he should already know this since you are about to pay).

Lumpyy:
What your mother inlaw is doin is far from normal,please pray over this and keep cool.does you hubby know you are buying a car?il advise you buy in both your names so that the tension in the home dont rise more!

He knows. Thanks.

Another MIL DIL thread. when boundaries have not been set by the Head of house, this is what happens. Lemme read comments first.

Onegai, thanks for your opinion. God bless you.

He knows I am getting a car. He even helped me with the inspection. No monetary contribution from him, maybe he would have contributed if he has, I don't know.

Closetoheart:
Onegai, thanks for your opinion. God bless you.

He knows I am getting a car. He even helped me with the inspection. No monetary contribution from him, maybe he would have contributed if he has, I don't know.

No contribution from him. you are the one buying that car. Why shouldnt it be in your name?

Women! SMH.

On the MIL issue, honestly me I don't see any issue here maybe from the perspective I read it sha
She's ready to help/join hands in taking care of her for u
First time mum and I guess u just put to bed sef
Madam relax, u need an elderly person more than anything
Its not easy, I am telling u its not
No one can take ur child from u, she's only being a mother looking after her own grandchild
And I just read u started work? Pls how old is ur daughter and where do u keep her?

And yes on ur car, na u use ur money buy am, why Hubby's name or Mr n Mrs?

You are hyperventilating over nothing
Your MIL will not always be around so why make an issue out of nothing?

Yes in an ideal world she would give you guys space but she hasn't so you just have to deal with it diplomatically. Just say you've heard and do whatever pleases you and your hubby shikenna

With reference to the car, talk to your husband first and ask for his preference with the registeration.

Mr and Mrs is probably the best way to go about it

Interesting piece.

A similar scenario is playing out in my home. I am married and wifey recently gave birth to a baby. My mum insists that the boy should bear the name she gave the boy while I chosed another name entirely. I simply told my wife that the baby bears the name i gave him...but we will call him the name my mum gave him WHENEVER we are with my mum ONLY.

Men need to be wise.


As for the name of the car, i advise you to please put the name of your hubby. It doesnt cost you anything, men loves to have their ego massaged on a daily basis. There is no way your hubby will be truly happy if you omit his name, he may not show it at first but trust african man, he will surely think about it.

No need to create unnecessary strife.

Pick your battles.

Dyt:
On the MIL issue, honestly me I don't see any issue here maybe from the perspective I read it sha
She's ready to help/join hands in taking care of her for u
First time mum and I guess u just put to bed sef
Madam relax, u need an elderly person more than anything
Its not easy, I am telling u its not
No one can take ur child from u, she's only being a mother looking after her own grandchild
And I just read u started work? Pls how old is ur daughter and where do u keep her?

And yes on ur car, na u use ur money buy am, why Hubby's name or Mr n Mrs?

Thanks. I have always been working. She is in the creche. My baby is 8 months old.

Closetoheart:
Thanks. I have always been working. She is in the creche. My baby is 8 months old.

But there u have someone willing to take care of her for u
Even better than u in some ways

Well these MILs have their own for body
But then she's only trying to be supportive
If u don't want, don't stress it

@ closetoheart, I'll advise you based on my own personal experience which is also similar to yours. Your mum in law may mean no harm.

When I had my 1st child, my mum in law was the one with me, hubby was in a different state and I wasn't given any maternity leave from work so I had just my usual annual leave off. She over pampered my baby calling him her baby, never allowed me bath him when she was around etc but I cared less cos I believe she did all out of love and I was overworked sef. There was a time I left for work but forgot some docs and had to return to pick them to my surprise on getting home, saw mum in law breast feeding my baby. To say I was shocked was an understatement cos I hadn't seen such before. I didn't confront her o, I immediately called my mum to narrate what I just saw because she is in the medical field but mum calmed my fears and said it was normal amongst old people that they did it to pacify babies and I shouldn't worry cos no breast milk was secreted. I however still informed hubby and he told me he'll tell his mum to stop it since I wasn't comfortable with it.

Secondly, I also bought a car before hubby and put my name without even discussing with him, when he found out he wasn't happy. Years later when he bought his, he called me at the dealers and asked whose name I wanted on the documents, I was surprised he could ask me o. However I told him to use his name since I had earlier bought mine in my name. Guess what he did, he used mr&mrs.

In conclusion, please ask your hubby the name you should put on the car docs or better still go with Mr&Mrs and ignore your mum in law, she means no harm. I guess she's just excited in being a grandma. All the best

Onegai:
[s]Husbands never see the danger until they're subjected to it.

Your MIL is taking things a bit too far. And this is touchy. So either start politely saying "yes mama Titi is a pretty name" and keep calling her Bisi or whatever you and your hubby named her (that's politely ignoring your mum) and carry your child to your mum. If your hubby notices his child isn't in the house and queries you, say "oh my mum wanted her little girl with her and even gave her a name, Solape". Even better, let your mum be coming to your home to enact this same controlling behaviour on your child for your hubby to see. When he complains, quietly tell him perhaps it is best both mothers are given boundaries for your child.

No grandparent owns your child. My mum and MIL hav access to my child because I and my husband are sharing that priviledge with them, not because they have a right.

My mum sounds like your MIL. And know this, for some silly reason a lot of men view their wives as combatants, not as helpmeets. So when their wives say something they feel is contrary to what they think (or may not have noticed), they act like it is a fight and put up their shoulders, rather than take it as a suggestion and valid thought from the other half of their brains. That's probably why he walked out.

That's why they need marital training for men on church but....

As for you, I'm guessing you're a new mum. relax these over protective feelings will reduce (that's the reason you're in tears when you bathe your child).

As for the car, put it in your name if it was all your effort. Did he bring out money for it? If he did, put it in both of your names. You and your hubby own everything together. Everything, abeg let us stop this nonsense whereby men keep saying they are paying for everything whilst the woman adds nothing to the house, every meal she used her money to make gives her partial ownership.

But let him know in a gentle voice you're getting a car (he should already know this since you are about to pay).[/s]

Absolute nonsense...

Don't women need marital training on how to handle their annoying MILs as well?

Would you also support a man buying/building a house with his money and not include his wife's name or put her as the next of kin on the documents, because she did not contribute a dime to it?

crackhaus:
Absolute nonsense...

Don't women need marital training on how to handle their annoying MILs as well?

Would you also support a man buying/building a house with his money and not include his wife's name or put her as the next of kin on the documents, because she did not contribute a dime
to it?

When you do finally marriage counselling (or speak to your married friends) they will tell you it is probably the Catholic church that stressed the role of the man in the marriage is not to be antagonizing his wife. I can confirm that most of the Pentecostal churches hold more programmes for women (after all you've just said they should one for handling their MIL) Women are getting enough rules and regulations, it's time we address the other half of the equation.

Please if I buy my car myself all I need do is ask Mr Onegai (he will probably say "Mrs" because his dad is a lawyer and I have lawyers in my house. We understand the long-term implications of having joint acquisitions and single acquisitions). If he and I contribute to a house, our name on it. If he and I don't, separate names.

And ejoor NL masochist association, please free me. I'm not a nice person

Onegai:
When you do finally marriage counselling (or speak to your married friends) they will tell you it is probably the Catholic church that stressed the role of the man in the marriage is not to be antagonizing his wife. I can confirm that most of the Pentecostal churches hold more programmes for women (after all you've just said they should one for handling their MIL) Women are getting enough rules and regulations, it's time we address the other half of the equation.

Please if I buy my car myself all I need do is ask Mr Onegai (he will probably say "Mrs" because his dad is a lawyer and I have lawyers in my house. We understand the long-term implications of having joint acquisitions and single acquisitions). If he and I contribute to a house, our name on it. If he and I don't, separate names.

And ejoor NL masochist association, please free me. I'm not a nice person

well put. Men need to be taught what to do also. No one teaches us but they all expect us to be the man. Is it magic ?

Sophyrocks:
Another MIL DIL thread. when boundaries have not been set by the Head of house, this is what happens. Lemme read comments first.

so you believe the man is the head of the home Beautiful.


Now as for the poster, I think I'll hand it over to mature minds.

Onegai:
When you do finally marriage counselling (or speak to your married friends) they will tell you it is probably the Catholic church that stressed the role of the man in the marriage is not to be antagonizing his wife. I can confirm that most of the Pentecostal churches hold more programmes for women (after all you've just said they should one for handling their MIL) Women are getting enough rules and regulations, it's time we address the other half of the equation.

Please if I buy my car myself all I need do is ask Mr Onegai (he will probably say "Mrs" because his dad is a lawyer and I have lawyers in my house. We understand the long-term implications of having joint acquisitions and single acquisitions). If he and I contribute to a house, our name on it. If he and I don't, separate names.

And ejoor NL masochist association, please free me. I'm not a nice person

I'm not Catholic so I don't know what they do in their marriage counselling sessions.
However, I can tell you for a fact that marriage counselling in Pentecostal churches are for couples (both man and woman inclusive).

So you're telling me you won't mind if your name is left out of the documents to a house your husband bought/built himself?
Are you not a Nigerian woman anymore?

I'm not nice as well.

okotv:
so you believe the man is the head of the home Beautiful.


Now as for the poster, I think I'll hand it over to mature minds.

Of course i do.

Sophyrocks:
Of course i do.

that's a new one. Thought you were a feminist. Sorry for the misinterpretation.

Dyt:
But there u have someone willing to take care of her for u
Even better than u in some ways

Well these MILs have their own for body
But then she's only trying to be supportive
If u don't want, don't stress it

She left after taking care of my new born baby and I for 6 weeks (out of which we spent 11 days in the hospital; and some of the weeks, she doesn't spend d weekends with us). So, I don't think she is willing to take care of the baby for me. I didn't inconvenient her in any way. She eats what she wants me to prepare for her. She even wanted us to follow her to her house (outside my state of residence) so that she could show off her new born g-daughter.

Mr. & Mrs.

okotv:
that's a new one. Thought you were a feminist. Sorry for the misinterpretation.

I am not a feminist. I completely understand the feminist movement and why it has come to stay.

See, no-one is blaming men. But we need to be real, men and women need to be taught how to handle marriage. Put your ego aside, in fact leave it at your office before you go home to your wives, husbands. Assume her thoughts are in your best interests.

My baby will spend time with my MIL more than my mum because my mum has 7 grandkids, my MIL's only grandchild is too far away, let her have her something to be playing with. But even then I will still discuss it with my hubby first and ask him to enquire from his mum before I saddle her with pikin. At the end of the day, that child will hold me and his father responsible for his well-being, not his grandma. So father and I will make all final decisions, grandparents can suggest and feel free to spoil them with gifts nothing more

Just take it easy.

Closetoheart:
She left after taking care of my new born baby and I for 6 weeks (out of which we spent 11 days in the hospital; and some of the weeks, she doesn't spend d weekends with us). So, I don't think she is willing to take care of the baby for me. I didn't inconvenient her in any way. She eats what she wants me to prepare for her. She even wanted us to follow her to her house (outside my state of residence) so that she could show off her new born g-daughter.

She's no problem then
As a matter of fact I only see a MIL here
Her case not an issue

The main is ur car n the name
Well I said its urs so it shld be in ur name
Some said u shld put Mr n Mrs

Ur choice
Whatever makes it for u

Sophyrocks:
I am not a feminist. I completely understand the feminist movement and why it has come to stay.

okay. Thanks ma'am. Any idea about carefreewannabe's whereabouts ?

okotv:
okay. Thanks ma'am. Any idea about carefreewannabe's whereabouts ?

I've wondered the same. She deactivated her account. Miss her though.

You are paranoid and insecure. As far as I know, a child has more stake in his paternal roots. I don't see why ur MIL can't call the baby her daughter.
Look ma'am, just grow up. Your husband is beginning to get pissed off.
Meanwhile a child should bear the name the parents give except the parents ask another person to name the child.
As for your car, put your name. I've never seen where people register a car with Mr and Mrs.

Sophyrocks:
I've wondered the same. She deactivated her account. Miss her though.

miss her too...just hoping she comes back.

Dyt:
On the MIL issue, honestly me I don't see any issue here maybe from the perspective I read it sha
She's ready to help/join hands in taking care of her for u
First time mum and I guess u just put to bed sef
Madam relax, u need an elderly person more than anything
Its not easy, I am telling u its not
No one can take ur child from u, she's only being a mother looking after her own grandchild
And I just read u started work? Pls how old is ur daughter and where do u keep her?

And yes on ur car, na u use ur money buy am, why Hubby's name or Mr n Mrs?

Sorry to ask, are you saying couples should use just their name when buying anything except the other person contributes?

Woman, don't start a fight you can't finish. If you will be happy when hubby starts buying properties on his name alone then go ahead and exclude his name. But if you will one day need a joint ownership of your Hubby's properties, then show example.

You don't really have any business with her I don't know why you are bothering yourself over nothing. She's your husbands mother and your daughter's grandmother. So leave her. Nobody will tell her to go . when she's not paid attention to or noticed she will go. The business you have is with your child and daughter. It's not even an issue so relevant to be discussed with your husband. Just tell your daughter that is your grandma and not your mother. You're her mother and that is your grandma so call her grandma. If her grandma decides to dote on her, buy things etc that's her business.respect her as your child's grandma but don't give her too much attention that you will start working up yourself over nothing. If your daughter starts calling her grandma, fight dey there?




If someone decides not to mind her business for whatever reason best known to her in the guise of coming to see her grandchildren, when you mind yours and let her know through your action that you don't send her. She will do the needful




next

Sophyrocks:
No contribution from him. you are the one buying that car. Why shouldnt it be in your name?

Women! SMH.

Because it might bring quarrel to the house.
Women are the same people that will advice another woman to make sure her husband puts both his and her names on a plot of land that he buys even if the woman didn't contribute a penny and now you have no qualms about her putting the car in her name only?

Smh!