₦airaland Forum

Dear my urborn
I don't know if you would
be my daughter or my son
right now am in a point of
no return,trying to pay
attention without refund


I cant promise to win,
life is short I should
be writing my will


am writing my
wrongs,they are
trying to peep
I will make sure
mama is queen

you will be a blue
blood you will never
work in vein
you will be a blue
blood you will never
work in vain

it's true talk your dad
is insane because I
choose to be different
from those that are
the same

yours sincerely Gidi .Q

from

GidiQuotes:
Dear my urborn
I don't know if you would
be my daughter or my son
right now am in a point of
no return,trying to pay
attention without refund


I cant promise to win,
life is short I should
be writing my will


am writing my
wrongs,they are
trying to peep
I will make sure
mama is queen

you will be a blue
blood you will never
work in vein
you will be a blue
blood you will never
work in vain

it's true talk your dad
is insane because I
choose to be different
from those that are
the same

yours sincerely Gidi .Q

GidiQuotes, this is a beautiful piece, really. There are a few things I'd like to say about it, though. First is: the title - to me - doesn't seem to correlate enough with the poem body. Don't you feel the same?

Secondly, I'm very sure that this piece would have looked more beautiful, polished and would even be easier to read and understand if you had punctuated it. Take a look a look at the second line in the second stanza for an example. There should have a been a sign between 'life is short' and 'I should be writing my will' to signify a break. Imagine you performed this piece as spoken word: it sure would sound very awkward if you didn't observe a pause between those two phrases, so there should be a mark to signify that pause in your writing too. As much as I am not a fan of the ellipsis in poetry, I should confess that it would be the best to go in there. A hyphen or a semi colon would do the job quite well, too.

Thirdly, I remember you telling me something about you being a rebel (not the exact word you used) poet. You're definitely also a modern one, so I understand perfectly why you're not plying the conventional route of starting every line with a block letter, but, I think you should try it someday; it's beautiful!

Once again, you have a very beautiful piece. I have a feeling your child smiled at this. It's a just a feeling.

llaykorn:
GidiQuotes, this is a beautiful piece, really. There are a few things I'd like to say about it, though. First is: the title - to me - doesn't seem to correlate enough with the poem body. Don't you feel the same?

Secondly, I'm very sure that this piece would have looked more beautiful, polished and would even be easier to read and understand if you had punctuated it. Take a look a look at the second line in the second stanza for an example. There should have a been a sign between 'life is short' and 'I should be writing my will' to signify a break. Imagine you performed this piece as spoken word: it sure would sound very awkward if you didn't observe a pause between those two phrases, so there should be a mark to signify that pause in your writing too. As much as I am not a fan of the ellipsis in poetry, I should confess that it would be the best to go in there. A hyphen or a semi colon would do the job quite well, too.

Thirdly, I remember you telling me something about you being a rebel (not the exact word you used) poet. You're definitely also a modern one, so I understand perfectly why you're not plying the conventional route of starting every line with a block letter, but, I think you should try it someday; it's beautiful!

Once again, you have a very beautiful piece. I have a feeling your child smiled at this. It's a just a feeling.

thanks boss