₦airaland Forum

Young woman covering mouth
with hand, close-up
There is a trend I have noticed among people
who seek help in marriage and couples’
counseling. Both partners usually have the best
of intentions. Both usually want to save the
relationship and make it better. But often people
end up in marriage counseling because they are
engaging in five selfish behaviors which prevent
good communication and understanding for each
other to take place.

1. During a discussion or argument, thinking
more about your reb*ttal and less about what
your partner has to say.
This is the number one issue I see among
couples seeking counseling. Partners will do a
fine job of expressing their frustrations, but
then become defensive when the other partner
begins to talk. They begin forming their defense
while the other person is talking thus missing
important information their partner is trying to
convey. This usually goes back and forth, and I
often see that both partners contribute to this
barrier to communication by also personalizing
(more on this later) and becoming more
defensive as emotions escalate. I suggest to my
clients to practice listening by paying careful
attention to the message their partner is trying
to send and repeating back what they are
hearing, without any sarcasm or rudeness. It is
also sometimes helpful to write down what you
hear your partner saying to keep your attention
more on his message.

2. Not telling your partner about issues, both
individual and in the relationship.
I have yet to meet a human being who can read
another’s mind, and your partner is not an
exception to this rule. It is selfish to assume that
she should know exactly what is wrong and how
you want her to help. It may be stress at work,
worries about finances or behaviors your
partner is engaging in that bother you. The list
can be long, and not talking about it will breed
resentment and irritation with each other. Often
I see couples taking out stresses and irritations
on each other. Talking and listening to each
other can remedy a lot of what is bothering you.

3. Making assumptions: It’s not always about
you!
The flipside to the previous selfish behavior is
making assumptions about your partner’s
behavior and taking it personally. When human
beings experience stress, we tend to react in
ways that are not always helpful or nurturing to
a relationship. I often see that a partner will be
short tempered with her beloved. The beloved
then takes these actions personally and becomes
irritated or angry. Ideally, the partner
experiencing the stress would communicate to
his partner (as was outlined in the number 2
behavior). But since none of us is perfect, it may
be up to the offended party to bring this
behavior to her partner in a way that is gentle
and kind, while communicating how this
behavior made him or her feel. When doing
this, be careful to put assumptions aside. In
other words, don’t assume that your partner
intended to attack you and had malicious
intentions. Instead, remind yourself that he is
still the person you chose and the person you
love.

4. Worrying about your s*xual needs and
ignoring the s*xual needs of your partner.
s*x is an important part of marriage and an
issue that almost always comes up in couples’
counseling. Usually the issues with s*x come
down to partners having different s*x drives,
desires and expectations of what is normal and
healthy in a marriage. It is important for each
partner to talk about these issues. It’s OK to state
what you would like to see as far as s*x goes in
the marriage. Once those things are said, try to
then consider what your partner has said and
consider his needs and how you can
accommodate and respect them. Communication
is extremely important in this area, and it will
need to be an ongoing discussion.

5. Only considering the quirks and mannerisms
about your partner that bother you, and not the
things you are doing that may be bothering your
partner.
I cannot tell you how many couples’ sessions
start with “He does this” or “She does that.”
These statements usually go on to describe some
behavior or personality trait that drives the
other person crazy. Instead of focusing on what
the other person is doing, I encourage both
partners to focus more on their own behaviors,
particularly those that irk the other person. I
don’t ask people to change who they are, but I
do ask that they become more self-aware and
willing to make adjustments to make the
relationship better.
Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. If
you notice yourself engaging in any of the above
behaviors, you have already done a lot of the
work to correct the behavior, as awareness is
often the most difficult step to making a change.
The key to addressing these behaviors is
continued awareness.

INTROVERT:
reading

DollyParton1:
A guy once told me all men are babies. That your number two shouldn't exist in a marriage. That just as babies can't say what is wrong with them when they are crying , but the mothers who are women figures it out most of the time, so also are men. According to him, he doesn't have to tell his wife what is wrong with him, it is the duty of the wife to figure it out.

Just another excuse for the male folk. A friend's opinion of men remains an opinion. I can say the same; that all women don't know what they want and should be excused for foul behaviours or their men should find their sh!ts out all by themselves. Makes sense

An2elect2:
Just another excuse for the male folk. A friend's opinion of men remains an opinion. I can say the same; that all women don't know what they want and should be excused for foul behaviours or their men should find their sh!ts out all by themselves. Makes sense

DollyParton1:
well I called him out on his bullshïts that day. I am not a pedophile, why do I wanna get married to a baby. I definitely ain't gonna bone a baby.