₦airaland Forum

5minsmadness:
He's so insensitive and yet you married him?
Anyway I want to believe you are saying this out of anger.

Maybe she's saying this out of anger . . or maybe she never knew this part of him. How else will you knot this about a man, except you live with him?

@bolded you sound like a baby at this point. So you don't love him anymore cos he spends more time with his friends? Is that how fragile your love is? Doesn't sound like it's going to be able to weather any kind of storm.
Hope you will understand when the babies start coming and his love for you fades since you'll be lavishing all your attention on them?

I can't believe you will compare his kids with his friends? Should't he also be lavishing love on the kids, are they not his?
You men forget that there is a thin line between love and hate. When a man (who claims) to love me would rather spend time with other people than me, I start to question his love. If someone hurst you over and over and over again, without remorse, the love is bound to 'reduce'.
What you men don't know is that this lifestlye is a type of cheating. Anything that constantly takes a man's attention away from his wife is not a good thing.

I have a better idea.
Divorce him outright.
He doesn't deserve you. You can't spend the rest of your life living with someone who won't show you 100% love 100% of the time. He's shortchanging you and you only live once. Live for yourself and enjoy yourself to the fullest. Don't let him cramp your style. Kick him to the curb.

Now who's childish? SMH!

Ujoan:
Maybe she's saying this out of anger . . or maybe she never knew this part of him. How else will you knot this about a man, except you live with him?



I can't believe you will compare his kids with his friends? Should't he also be lavishing love on the kids, are they not his?
You men forget that there is a thin line between love and hate. When a man (who claims) to love me would rather spend time with other people than me, I start to question his love. If someone hurst you over and over and over again, without remorse, the love is bound to 'reduce'.
What you men don't know is that [size=18pt]this lifestlye is a type of cheating[/size]. Anything that constantly takes a man's attention away from his wife is not a good thing.



Now who's childish? SMH!

Ah. Mabinu o.
Pls I agree that op should leave her house since this issue is making her SO miserable. This one cheating has entered she should divorce him abeg. The sneaky fellow even hid this evil part of his lifestyle from her if not she wouldn't have said 'yes' to his marriage proposal. Oh, the betrayal

5minsmadness:
You SO made my point.
1000likes

A woman stays home and makes the house a home for the man to come home to (cooking, cleaning) . .

Contributes financially to the family (sometimes more than the man) . . . .

Has to go through life-changing experiences to have his children . . .

Has to nurture the children till adulthood . . .

How does the man staying home to help out make marriage about women's convenience

Or what was your point again?

Ujoan:
A woman stays home and makes the house a home for the man to come home to (cooking, cleaning) . .

Contributes financially to the family (sometimes more than the man) . . . .

Has to go through life-changing experiences to have his children . . .

Has to nurture the children till adulthood . . .

How does the man staying home to help out make marriage about women's convenience

Or what was your point again?

And yet with all the above listed it's women that fill crusade grounds fasting and praying for men to marry them.
Women have suffered

5minsmadness:
Ah. Mabinu o.
Pls I agree that op should leave her house since this issue is making her SO miserable. This one cheating has entered she should divorce him abeg. The sneaky fellow even hid this evil part of his lifestyle from her if not she wouldn't have said 'yes' to his marriage proposal. Oh, the betrayal

Why don't you reverse the table . . . What would you say if OP is always out till late in the night, leaving hubby all alone at home. All the the name of hanging out with her friends?

I understand the need to jump to this man's defense, we all know that 80% of Nigerian married men still live like bachelors. OF course you have to justify your actions to yourselves, forgetting you wives are also humans, just like you.

5minsmadness:
And yet with all the above listed it's women that fill crusade grounds fasting and praying for men to marry them.
Women have suffered

Lol . . . now you are going into a completely different discussion.

Whether the woman fasted or prayed to get married is not important, but once a man gets married, he should behave like a married man, simple!

Shebi nobody is forcing men to get married nah? Babaymamaism is now on the rise so a man doesn't have to get married to have children.

Even ashewo full everywhere, so it's not about the sex. So why get married and still want to act like a bachelor? Kind of eating your cake and having it!

Ujoan:
Why don't you reverse the table . . . What would you say if OP is always out till late in the night, leaving hubby all alone at home. All the the name of hanging out with her friends?

I understand the need to jump to this man's defense, we all know that 80% of Nigerian married men still live like bachelors. OF course you have to justify your actions to yourselves, forgetting you wives are also humans, just like you.

Of course I shouldn't jump to the man's defence. He's a man and we all know how evil men are, how they don't get anything right, how they take advantage of women at every opportunity they get. No one should come to his defence or look at the issue from his perspective because he has no say in this matter! Evil immature man that tricked op into marrying him when in reality he was in love with his friends! Chai, women have suffered indeed

I highly doubt ANY man will sit at home doing nothing while his wife is out partying but then again with the number of effeminate men in this generation it just might be possible. If men were as lonesome and needy as women then this thread wouldn't be filled with women sharing thier experiences.

I feel for the op sha. I mean, left to me, I would have said she doesn't have to make him choose between her and his friends (some of which he would have made thier acquaintance even before he thought of marrying her and some of whom moulded him into being the successful man he is today which is part of what attracted her to him in the first place ) but rather she should tell him how she feels and come to a compromise when he has a specific time of the day in which he gets home after spending time with his friends. That way he doesn't feel compelled to spend time with her and she doesn't feel cheated, neglected and unloved.

But like you have insinuated, there is no compromise in this matter. The man should realise all that the woman is sacrificing for him and leave his past life and everything he has ever known, and sit his ass down in the house with her forever. That is the true sign of love and maturity.

5minsmadness:
Of course I shouldn't jump to the man's defence. He's a man and we all know how evil men are, how they don't get anything right, how they take advantage of women at every opportunity they get. No one should come to his defence or look at the issue from his perspective because he has no say in this matter! Evil immature man that tricked op into marrying him when in reality he was in love with his friends! Chai, women have suffered indeed

Sarcasm? really? That's your defence? SMH!

I highly doubt ANY man will sit at home doing nothing while his wife is out partying but then again with the number of effeminate men in this generation it just might be possible. If men were as lonesome and needy as women then this thread wouldn't be filled with women sharing thier experiences.

So while both husband and wife are out gallivanting, what time will be left to build a family?

I feel for the op sha. I mean, left to me, I would have said she doesn't have to make him choose between her and his friends (some of which he would have made thier acquaintance even before he thought of marrying her and some of whom moulded him into being the successful man he is today which is part of what attracted her to him in the first place ) but rather she should tell him how she feels and come to a compromise when he has a specific time of the day in which he gets home after spending time with his friends. That way he doesn't feel compelled to spend time with her and she doesn't feel cheated, neglected and unloved.
But like you have insinuated, there is no compromise in this matter. The man should realise all that the woman is sacrificing for him and leave his past life and everything he has ever known, and sit his ass down in the house with her forever. That is the true sign of love and maturity.

Are his so-called friends more important that his parents? And yet the bible says about marriage that a man must leave his mother and father and cling to his wife. The two become one! That's our understanding of marriage, so it's not strange for a women to want her hubby to spend time with her.

I'm sure she has tried the talking and compromise thing but oga no gree . . . I bet the OP won't mind if hubby tried to balance issues, no sane woman would. We are all for 'compromise' . . . but the in real sense, the word implies a give and take situation. Not for the man to ALWAYS have his way!

I honestly don't care if my husband feels 'compelled' to spend time with me. I rather not feel 'compelled' to let him spend the time with his friends. If staying home makes him miserable, let him stay and let both of us me miserable together. That's the true definition of 'clinging'

And yes, I want him to think about me anytime he's out with his friends, and know that I'm upset and will probably leave cold meal for him when he gets back (don't even talk about sex . . )

I want him to feel guilty and uncomfortable with each passing minute. I want him to be as miserable out there as I am back home.

If that makes me immature, then so be it!

And believe me, even if the man is also out partying, no sane man will feel comfortable knowing his wife is always out late at night 'hanging' out. You men like forcing us to accept things from you, when you know you'd never accept same from us!

What stops the OP from making her own friends

I think its a selfish trait for you to want him to become someone else just because of you

Before he married you he was an individual, He has his friends, his hobbies, his likes and aspirations in life but suddenly he marries you want him to drop all that and just focus on you

Thats some form of bondage. He loves his football, he has his friends, he has his hobbies why dont you get yourself busy too with other things

Is being married your only purpose in life at the moment? Go join a book club, go to the library, pick up gardening, make friends and stop suffocating the man

If you are not satisfied with who he is. then divorce him

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice, mixed with a few bag eggs but you'll know the ones to listen to

Tell him how you feel. Him pretending not to. hear you speak to him is immature on his part. He seems to be resenting you for something small. You two should have Date Night(s) every week (when kids come you won't have time to. even sleep). If he's glued to his screen, you keep yourself on your screen too. My hubby developed that habit when he was by himself for a while, I complained and he got defensive. So I got glued to my screen to the point he started coming to check what was making me laugh or keeping me engrossed.

A lot of men don't realise that being married means things change. They ignore their wives and cling to their friends desperately because they're scared that letting go of their old lifestyles means they're getting older/not as fun/changing too much. Then the kids come and their neglected wives focus solely
on them and the men begin to feel neglected. So they either stay home or go out even more with their friends.

A lot of this stems from the fact that guys feel marriage is a cage, not a blessing. So they are always trying to "fight off shackles".

What city are you in, if Lagos I could recommend places for you to go (but you have to make an effort to go there).

Onegai:
A lot of this stems from the fact that guys feel marriage is a cage, not a blessing. So they are always trying to "fight off shackles".

What city are you in, if Lagos I could recommend places for you to go (but you have to make an effort to go there).

If marriage means you have to drop what makes you happy like your hobbies, your Sports, your friends your family your career then its really a cage

raumdeuter:
If marriage means you have to drop what makes you happy like your hobbies, your Sports, your friends your family your career then its really a cage

Sigh. You guys like to fight unnecessary battles in this section.

No-one in this world can have it all. When in school, you didn't have enough time to read HARD and party HARD. Same with work: you weren't hitting the club on a Thursday or drinking away all night in a Sunday. So why get married and think you'll have all the time in the world to juggle work, a family, quiet time and friends and social life EQUALLY? Something has to give and if you can decide what your priorities are, you'll give time to your wife and family FIRST. Or don't get married so you don't have to juggle them.

No-one is stopping anyone from going out once in a while and keeping your hobbies but to do so at the detriment of the most important person in your life is idiotic. But if your wife is not the most important person in your life, tell her upfront or better yet, DON'T GET MARRIED. Trust me, she will find someone else (you're not Mark Zuckerberg, so yeah, you're easily replaceable like everyone else). And you can continue your Bachelor lifestyle in peace

All the guys who took the time to stay home and let me quote one of them "stay home and help her develop her confidence as a wife" are the guys whom their marriages are great

Just wear him down with so much s ex that he cant move,then tell him there has to be a balance between 'you and him' time & 'friends time.
Maybe find stuff that you both can do together even if its weekends away in a hotel..Best to do it now before babies land.
Hopefully he will come around.If he doesn't, start a book club or something to keep your mind occupied otherwise you will find yourself steaming with anger daily.

Good Luck.

Onegai:
Sigh. You guys like to fight unnecessary battles in this section.

No-one in this world can have it all. When in school, you didn't have enough time to read HARD and party HARD. Same with work: you weren't hitting the club on a Thursday or drinking away all night in a Sunday. So why get married and think you'll have all the time in the world to juggle work, a family, quiet time and friends and social life EQUALLY? Something has to give and if you can decide what your priorities are, you'll give time to your wife and family FIRST. Or don't get married so you don't have to juggle them.

No-one is stopping anyone from going out once in a while and keeping your hobbies but to do so at the detriment of the most important person in your life is idiotic. But if your wife is not the most important person in your life, tell her upfront or better yet, DON'T GET MARRIED. Trust me, she will find someone else (you're not Mark Zuckerberg, so yeah, you're easily replaceable like everyone else). And you can continue your Bachelor lifestyle in peace

All the guys who took the time to stay home and let me quote one of them "stay home and help her develop her confidence as a wife" are the guys whom their marriages are great

There are many things that make a person not just being married. Most women are actually self centered.

The guy was that way before he married, He had other things that made him happy. After work, A guy has to probably prepare for more professional exams, higher education, weekly Chess or Tennis clubs games, have weekly bible studies to attend, have Saturdays dedicated to football to watch, Maybe goes to the gym 2 hrs for 3 days a week. These are the things that make him who he is for her to desire a marital union with him but as soon as he gets married, he has to drop all those and just stay watching the eyes of the wife.

Its usually with girls who have no social life and nothing going for them hoping to dump all their emotional burden on the man post marriage

Even Zukerberg or Obama you think they dont have other things they do with their lives? If sitting down to stare at the faces of their spouse is what makes them who they are today. You think Obama made the connections to be popular in Politics and become a president by staring at Michelle's eyes day and night? Do you know how many round the clock meeting he had to do, how much networking he had to do, how much hanging out with colleagues he had to do. The guy was even a community organiser which means endless meetings here and there

Those men that became Bank MD, that became partners in their firms that became succesful people do you think they made it by sitting down at home all day starring at their wifes face? Yet na the same wife would tell him after a few years that why isnt he succcesful like Mr A and B.

If you know how many business deals are completed at the typical Boys night club hangout, Golf course or Tennis club

Which man became succesful in life by sitting at home all day looking at his wifes face day and night. Am sure if he does that. the same woman would tell him to go and be a man and not just sit at home

Why isnt the man forcing the wife to be in his own image rather its the women always looking to change their husband

Let her go ahead and get that someone real quick so both of their lives wont be miserable. The guy is sad because the wife doesnt want him to be who he is, the wife is sad because the husband isnt who she wants him to be
Rather than have 2 unhappy people she should serve him divorce papers and go pursue her happiness

raumdeuter:
There are many things that make a person not just being married. Most women are actually self centered.

The guy was that way before he married, He had other things that made him happy. After work A guy has weekly Chess or Tennis clubs games, have weekly bible studies to attend, have Saturdays dedicated to football to watch, Maybe goes to the gym 2 hrs for 3 days a week. These are the things that make him who he is for her to desire a marital union with him but as soon as he gets married, he has to drop all those and just stay watching the eyes of the wife.

Its usually with girls who have no social life and nothing going for them hoping to dump all their emotional burden on the man post marriage

Let her go ahead and get that someone real quick so both of their lives wont be miserable. The guy is sad because the wife doesnt want him to be who he is, the wife is sad because the husband isnt who she wants him to be

Even Zukerberg or Obama you think they dont have other things they do with their lives? If sitting down to stare at the faces of their spouse is what makes them who they are today. You think Obama made the connections to be popular in Politics and become a president by staring at Michelle's eyes day and night?

Those men that became Bank MD, that became partners in their firms that became succesful people do you think they made it by sitting down at home all day starring at their wifes face? Yet na the same wife would tell him after a few years that why isnt he succcesful like Mr A and B.

If you know how many business deals are completed at the typical Boys night club hangout, Golf course or Tennis club

Why isnt the man forcing the wife to be in his own image rather its the women always looking to change their husband

Rather than have 2 unhappy people she should serve him divorce papers and go pursue her happiness

Of course women don't know! Our brains are apparently too simple. to comprehend how Networking works. We may be doing the same things in our lives, we may have grown with actual chairmen of board of directors or economic advisors to heads of states or doctors or professional people as parents (who strangely had enough time for their families) but that's not important, amirite

Sigh. It's Christmas everyone! Who wants to go salsa and samba dancing this Christmas

To me, I believe men do that only when they marry for the sake of bearing children and having a wife at home that will do the home chores and satisfy him everytime he needs it. But didn't marry bcus he was ready for marriage neither bcause he sees his wife as a friend or companion

To me, I believe men do that only when they marry for the sake of bearing children and having a wife at home that will do the home chores and satisfy him everytime he needs it. But didn't marry bcus he was ready for marriage neither bcause he sees his wife as a friend or companion.

Onegai:
Sigh. It's Christmas everyone! Who wants to go salsa and samba dancing this Christmas

The bold is what you should be telling the OP she can go salsa and samba dancing learn new things go and mix Live her own life not just waiting for the husband to come home and entertain her.

[quote author=Onegai post=40619361]OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice, mixed with a few bag eggs but you'll know the ones to listen to

Tell him how you feel. Him pretending not to. hear you speak to him is immature on his part. He seems to be resenting you for something small. You two should have Date Night(s) every week (when kids come you won't have time to. even sleep). If he's glued to his screen, you keep yourself on your screen too. My hubby developed that habit when he was by himself for a while, I complained and he got defensive. So I got glued to my screen to the point he started coming to check what was making me laugh or keeping me engrossed.

I really prayed that there was something I might have done wrong big or small so I can correct myself but since day one I have done nothing but agreed to everything he said to everything he wanted but the fact that I know I have been none but good to him is driving me crazy I really wish there was! so it would give me a reason as to why he's treating me like this.


What city are you in, if Lagos I could recommend places for you to go (but you have to make an effort to go there).


I don't live in Lagos but thank you hun.

Arisha:
My husband and I have been married one year this coming December and it’s been great! We rarely fight about the things most couples fight about (money, sex) and we don’t have children to fight over (yet)…but we do fight about his friends. We live two hours from any of my friends or family, and, since I am not the most social butterfly, meeting new people slightly terrifies me. On the other hand, my husband is a social butterfly and can make friends with anyone.


What seems to be our issue is how much time he wants to spend with them. he’d spend his time with them during the weekdays after getting back from work , and if I don't say anything... He spends the weekend with them too so we barely see each other — and then he wants to have friends over almost every chance he gets. He doesn’t seem to understand that he’s not a bachelor anymore.


I’ve tried to find a compromise but it just isn’t happening. Conveniently, he happens to forget that we live two hours from any of my friends or family and that none of his friends have girlfriends, so it’s like I am stuck in “poker night” hell every time they are over. It doesn’t help we live in a small city and we don’t have a car right now and everything I would like to go do by myself is too far to walk to.


Perhaps it’s me. Am I wrong to want to have my evenings alone with my husband? I have tried to discuss this with him several times, but, every time I make a suggestion about what would work for both of us in regards to his friends he accuses me of “being angry and sensitive at small issues!!" and "getting mad at him for no reason " and then he refuses to talk about it and hours go by with us ignoring each other.

I try my best to make him happy the one day I have him to myself after all that ignoring thing. none of us apologizes and I am not expecting him to but I try showing it to him how much I still love him by preparing his favorite dishes and even watch football with him, keep the house extra tidy and dress nicely just so he notices me and starts to want to spend his time with me but apparently none of this is working.

At evenings we could sit in a room for hours without talking with his head buried to the screen and as soon as his friends or relatives call he seems like he has alot to talk about and could be on the phone for hours until I go to sleep.

I am not trying to cut him off from his friends, but I would like him to grow up a little and realize I am his first priority, not his friends. I am at my wits end. PLEASE HELP!

Madam, please check yourself very well. There may be one or more things you do or fail to do that sends him away. Every man needs just one thing, 'REST OF MIND'.

[quote author=raumdeuter post=40617252]What stops the OP from making her own friends

Actually I do have friends and you would know that if you read my post carefully.

I think its a selfish trait for you to want him to become someone else just because of you

How is it selfish of me to want to spend time with my husband?! And how am I going to make him someone else by wanting that? I wouldn't marry him or love him if he wasn't for who he is.



Before he married you he was an individual, He has his friends, his hobbies, his likes and aspirations in life but suddenly he marries you want him to drop all that and just focus on you


Yes. I acknowledge that, he had friends, hobbies and I never said I want him to drop all of that or cut off his friends but I never thought for a second that I would be a second priority and he would put them first.

Thats some form of bondage. He loves his football, he has his friends, he has his hobbies why dont you get yourself busy too with other things

As I already stated we live in a small city and everything is far from where we reside.

Is being married your only purpose in life at the moment? Go join a book club, go to the library, pick up gardening, make friends and stop suffocating the man

Yes at the moment my only focus is on my marriage we have only been married for one year and it only feels like I have lived with him for a month! and already questioning myself if he loves me at all I am hurting everyday so whose really suffocating?!

Are you my husband? You sound so much like him.
He told me exactly all these when we newly married and I was complaining of been neglected at home.
All men must be the same when it comes to this!

raumdeuter:
There are many things that make a person not just being married. Most women are actually self centered.

The guy was that way before he married, He had other things that made him happy. After work, A guy has to probably prepare for more professional exams, higher education, weekly Chess or Tennis clubs games, have weekly bible studies to attend, have Saturdays dedicated to football to watch, Maybe goes to the gym 2 hrs for 3 days a week. These are the things that make him who he is for her to desire a marital union with him but as soon as he gets married, he has to drop all those and just stay watching the eyes of the wife.

Its usually with girls who have no social life and nothing going for them hoping to dump all their emotional burden on the man post marriage

Even Zukerberg or Obama you think they dont have other things they do with their lives? If sitting down to stare at the faces of their spouse is what makes them who they are today. You think Obama made the connections to be popular in Politics and become a president by staring at Michelle's eyes day and night? Do you know how many round the clock meeting he had to do, how much networking he had to do, how much hanging out with colleagues he had to do. The guy was even a community organiser which means endless meetings here and there

Those men that became Bank MD, that became partners in their firms that became succesful people do you think they made it by sitting down at home all day starring at their wifes face? Yet na the same wife would tell him after a few years that why isnt he succcesful like Mr A and B.

If you know how many business deals are completed at the typical Boys night club hangout, Golf course or Tennis club

Which man became succesful in life by sitting at home all day looking at his wifes face day and night. Am sure if he does that. the same woman would tell him to go and be a man and not just sit at home

Why isnt the man forcing the wife to be in his own image rather its the women always looking to change their husband

Let her go ahead and get that someone real quick so both of their lives wont be miserable. The guy is sad because the wife doesnt want him to be who he is, the wife is sad because the husband isnt who she wants him to be
Rather than have 2 unhappy people she should serve him divorce papers and go pursue her happiness

raumdeuter:
There are many things that make a person not just being married. Most women are actually self centered.

The guy was that way before he married, He had other things that made him happy. After work, A guy has to probably prepare for more professional exams, higher education, weekly Chess or Tennis clubs games, have weekly bible studies to attend, have Saturdays dedicated to football to watch, Maybe goes to the gym 2 hrs for 3 days a week. These are the things that make him who he is for her to desire a marital union with him but as soon as he gets married, he has to drop all those and just stay watching the eyes of the wife.

Its usually with girls who have no social life and nothing going for them hoping to dump all their emotional burden on the man post marriage

Even Zukerberg or Obama you think they dont have other things they do with their lives? If sitting down to stare at the faces of their spouse is what makes them who they are today. You think Obama made the connections to be popular in Politics and become a president by staring at Michelle's eyes day and night? Do you know how many round the clock meeting he had to do, how much networking he had to do, how much hanging out with colleagues he had to do. The guy was even a community organiser which means endless meetings here and there

Those men that became Bank MD, that became partners in their firms that became succesful people do you think they made it by sitting down at home all day starring at their wifes face? Yet na the same wife would tell him after a few years that why isnt he succcesful like Mr A and B.

If you know how many business deals are completed at the typical Boys night club hangout, Golf course or Tennis club

Which man became succesful in life by sitting at home all day looking at his wifes face day and night. Am sure if he does that. the same woman would tell him to go and be a man and not just sit at home

Why isnt the man forcing the wife to be in his own image rather its the women always looking to change their husband

Let her go ahead and get that someone real quick so both of their lives wont be miserable. The guy is sad because the wife doesnt want him to be who he is, the wife is sad because the husband isnt who she wants him to be
Rather than have 2 unhappy people she should serve him divorce papers and go pursue her happiness

Word.

The thing is, ALL of these answers have the potential to be right. It's up to you to get to the bottom of it:

A) You have no connection whatsoever, or your connection has faded (else you'd actively and routinely seek out each others' company, because you WANT to).

B) You have drastically different expectations as to the time you need to spend with each other as a couple, and simply need to find a workable balance.

C) Your appreciation and/or pursuit of time alone, time spent with friends/family, goals, life pursuits, hobbies are extremely disproportionate and at opposite ends of the spectrum.

PLEASE, don't have kids as per another user's suggestion. Kids are not a relationship fix! If anything, it'd have the opposite effect. You need to communicate and figure this out first. GL.

A lot of wonderful advises here from those that do know beta ... but d truth is, I believe, your husband is bored.
Boredom is said to be one of the top silent killers of relationship.
The boredom is wats making him regress to his bachelor ways.
U said the last 1 yr has been wonderful, but it's a matter of perception...has it really been wonderful for him as well
I believe in compromise but u also need to be smart as well to become a bit like one of the boys( meet him halfway)
Nothing to add.
Peace

@Arisha

How do you spend your time when he is out with his friends?

Ujoan:
I think you are completely WRONG.

It's always easy to blame the woman when the man obviously have a personality defect, how can her husband's irresponsibility be her fault?

In my own case, my husband would text me every second, while with his friends and pester me with calls just to keep me awake. And when he gets home at odd hours all he wants to do is stay up and gist about his day (with his friends) . . . My night became days and my days nights!

Sometimes it's not about drinking . . . it's about the 'gist' they 'gist' while drinking . . . .

I work too and I hardly have time to obsess over every little thing . . . but it's nice to know that you husband will be coming (and staying) home to you, rather than going out all d time.

Also, some men don't just understand 'tact' . . . Even if they do, they choose to ignore it or interpret it as 'understanding'. My husband used to brag to his friends about how 'understanding' I was of his lifestyle and how I was such a 'perfect wife' because I don't bother him when he hangs out all the time. But I was trying to be 'tactful', I thought that was the way to handle it. It wasn't untill I started bringing down fire and brimstone that he started knowing how badly I was really hurt.

Some men are just that way . . . . it's not easy to change one's personality. It takes time, patience and tolerance.

I understand you clearly.
In as much as one does not need to blame
the woman completely.

Will i blame a man for hanging out only
to leave his wife at home and hang out
with friends?

No. I won't.
Because there is a missing link somewhere.

If a man hangs out regularly with friends
after 6 months to 1 year of marriage, it
shows how much he has refused to grow
and that is a function of the role the wife
plays with respect to making the man use
his senses correctly at every given time or
opportunity.

Your husband obviously respected how hurt you
were whenever he was hanging out that was
why he listened to you. Or rather for peace
sake.

If he has his way he will do it again.

I love hanging out too and I am married
with children.

I still hang out once in a while with friends
if the need is important.

My wife didn't talk or scold me out of it because
it simply wouldn't work.

She simply engaged me tactically and that
worked out well for both of us.

If a married man or woman is not behaving
responsibly, then the spouse is not doing
enough to put him or her to order.

Marriage is meant to correct certain defects
we had as singles and not to keep us at the
same level or worsen our shortcomings.

I still maintain that the op has work to do in
making her husband the husband she wants
him to be.

I know as women, we just want the guy to be there... whether there's a reason, whether there is no reason... Nothing to be ashamed of. I'm like that too. . Men crave for sex more than women and women crave for attention more than men. And that attention he MUST fulfill.

You need to create an itinerary and call it 'your time', a daily scheduled time and obligation he must fulfill.
He can frolic with friends at a certain times only, but not on that scheduled time of the day he must dedicate to you.

So the day he spent time with you, you allowed him to be by himself chatting nonsense on his phone or internet? Somebody you are supposed to tie on the bed and **** his brains out.

Modified.....Look for your own fun such as join a gym and women's clubs. No kids yet so spread your wings.
You have to try and be a small social butterfly for your own sanity. If you go to church, connect with someone who could pick you up sometime.