Lola's List - Poems For Review

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Lola's List - Poems For Review - Nairaland

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Lola's List by Nobody: 6:59am On Jan 02, 2016

I went undercover,
In a hope to be left undiscovered,
I was so shocked to discover,
My soul under these covers.
Who is this intruder,
Unwelcome intruder,

Are ye lost I ask,
I have a task it replies.

You must be a man, a question with a question,
You must be a man.
I have no strength, I have no voice, I have no mind, Must I be a man?
A woman I announce,
I am fearless in the face of fear,
I laugh at my own tears,
I hide when daddy's near,
Yes I must be a woman.

A child? I shiver,
I speak but the truth,
In my silence I scream,
Of your blood I survive,
Yes I must be a child.

You mock me I say,
Be gone you fool,
A tool you seek,
To scream ye yearn,
I Have your grief,
if Ye dare to leave!!

Waaaaat! I swear by HE who's hand I lay my soul,
I will call on my ancestors and call all my clan's men,
I'll signal to our tribe's men and...

Hahahaha I laugh at your ignorance.

Hear me young man,
Young girl, and ol woman,

Silence my child,
I have but lessons to teach, reach out your hand, or turn around and leave .

**First time I've put pen to paper.*

So other than high school; Year 7 to be exact (11yrs ol) I have had no training, other than reading, of poetry.

So I ask the real poets or lovers of poetry ( haters really aren't wanted) to copy my poem and edit it while explaining and constructive critic mode welcome.

Thank you in advance for your time and I can't wait to read your edited versions. #Happy2016

Ps pretend you're explaining poetry to an alien please.

5 Likes 4 Shares

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 7:09am On Jan 02, 2016

So teach me how to write a poem. embarassed

I remember some shi about structure

Ababab or bbaabb lipsrsealed

something along those lines... I beg someone tell me they understand all the (ABC of it) cheesy

Re: Lola's List by joseph1832(m): 7:52am On Jan 02, 2016

Nubian113:
So teach me how to write a poem.
I remember some shi about structure Ababab or bbaabb something along those lines... I beg someone tell me they understand all the (ABC of it)

That's rhyme scheme.

Re: Lola's List by E383: 9:03am On Jan 02, 2016

llaykorn, Nubian has put pen to paper, come and append your signature so we can sell the book. grin

Good one Nubian113

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 12:19pm On Jan 02, 2016

E383:
llaykorn, Nubian has put pen to paper, come and append your signature so we can sell the book.

Good one Nubian113

it's amateur but it's a start I guess cool

Re: Lola's List by E383: 12:23pm On Jan 02, 2016

Nubian113:

it's amateur but it's a start I guess

A very brilliant start. You have done brilliantly well. Llaykorn is a better critique, he will tell you where to improve on.

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 12:26pm On Jan 02, 2016

E383:

A very brilliant start. You have done brilliantly well. Llaykorn is a better critique, he will tell you where to improve on.

Whisper in my ear e-friend

[size=1pt] r u a "F" or "M" @ ur moniker embarassed

[/size]

Re: Lola's List by E383: 1:11pm On Jan 02, 2016

Nubian113:

Whisper in my ear e-friend

[size=1pt] r u a "F" or "M" @ ur moniker [/size]

Wishywishywishy tongue

.[size=1pt] I am He, is that your daughter? [/size]

Re: Lola's List by llaykorn: 1:46pm On Jan 02, 2016

Nubian113:

I went undercover,
In a hope to be left undiscovered,
I was so shocked to discover,
My soul under these covers.
Who is this intruder,
Unwelcome intruder

Let me try to analyze the plot of this poem stanza by stanza if I can get it right. Lol. You ran from the world in a bid not to be hurt but you were shocked when you realized how far you had run. While you were lost in gloom over what you just discovered, a stranger appears.

Are ye lost I ask,
TI have a task it replies.[/quotes]

The stranger didn't appear by accident; he was seeking you.

[quote]You must be a man, a question with a question,
You must be a man.
I have no strength, I have no voice, I have no mind, Must I be a man?
A woman I announce,
I am fearless in the face of fear,
I laugh at my own tears,
I hide when daddy's near,
Yes I must be a woman

.

The stranger ignorantly assumes you to be a man (he met you in a dark room and where he couldn't see your natural features and wore ear protectors too). You prove him wrong by informing him of your weaknesses. You inform him of how you lack a voice and a mind and announce that you are a woman.

No!

You ignorantly assume him to be a man and he informs you of some his features and you assume him to be a woman. Then he let's you know more, laughs in your face and sarcastically says he's a woman, truly.

A child? I shiver,
I speak but the truth,
In my silence I scream,
Of your blood I survive,
Yes I must be a child.

You're back on your guessing spree and you're scared now, probably from his laughs and you call him a child. But he let's you know more about him and tells you things too evil to be birthed from the hands of children.

You mock me I say,
Be gone you fool,
A tool you seek,
To scream ye yearn,
I Have your grief,
if Ye dare to leave!!

You're frustrated and angry at him already. You tell him to leave. (The second part of this stanza is unclear yet.)
Oh? He's held you captive?

Waaaaat! I swear by HE who's hand I lay my soul,
I will call on my ancestors and call all my clan's men,
I'll signal to our tribe's men and...

You try to scare him.

Hahahaha I laugh at your ignorance.

But he laughs it off.

Hear me young man,
Young girl, and ol woman,

Silence my child,
I have but lessons to teach, reach out your hand, or turn around and leave.

He asks you to be quiet. He asks for a pledge to allow him teach you some lessons and asks you to leave if won't give him that pledge.

You've written a beautiful poem, but, did you give it to him? sad

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 2:52pm On Jan 02, 2016

E383:

Wishywishywishy .[size=1pt] I am He, is that your daughter? [/size]

*smh*

1 Like

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 2:57pm On Jan 02, 2016

llaykorn:

Let me try to analyze the plot of this poem stanza by stanza if I can get it right. Lol. You ran from the world in a bid not to be hurt but you were shocked when you realized how far you had run. While you were lost in gloom over what you just discovered, a stranger appears.

Ok I like your interpretation shocked

I explain the whole poem in the first 3/4lines. I found my soul. I asked and guessed, nan, woman, child, who is this

I'm threatened with the truth and then given the option of the red/or blue pill (metaphor for the ending.).

That's where I was going with it lipsrsealed

1 Like

Re: Lola's List by sholybrown4u(m): 8:39pm On Jan 02, 2016

you too much. I love girls with brain.

Re: Lola's List by Apelex(m): 8:59pm On Jan 02, 2016

As I lay here wit grief and resentment.
I think of her smile,
Her oneess,
Its so sad
I regret my actions
I regret my unconscious decisions
I regret everething
Time flies by and I get scared
Scared to loose my soulmate
Sacred to loose my engine
For she has driven me all these years
It is as though I ask for a rewind of time from grandfather in the sky
The feeling of sheer depression sinks into my brain
Mentally nd emotionally depressed I am
All seems to be valiant a of my troubles
Scared I am to the very elm of time
I miss her smile
Her cheeks
She was so full of life
I cant stop thinking of her
The way she held me so strong all these years,
Her believe and love 4 me,
For sadness is my only friend.

POEM BY APELEX……..

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 9:17pm On Jan 02, 2016

Nubian113:
I went undercover,
In a hope to be left undiscovered,
I was so shocked to discover,
My soul under these covers.
Who is this intruder,
Unwelcome intruder,

Are ye lost I ask,
I have a task it replies.

You must be a man, a question with a question,
You must be a man.
I have no strength, I have no voice, I have no mind, Must I be a man?
A woman I announce,
I am fearless in the face of fear,
I laugh at my own tears,
I hide when daddy's near,
Yes I must be a woman.

A child? I shiver,
I speak but the truth,
In my silence I scream,
Of your blood I survive,
Yes I must be a child.

You mock me I say,
Be gone you fool,
A tool you seek,
To scream ye yearn,
I Have your grief,
if Ye dare to leave!!

Waaaaat! I swear by HE who's hand I lay my soul,
I will call on my ancestors and call all my clan's men,
I'll signal to our tribe's men and...

Hahahaha I laugh at your ignorance.

Hear me young man,
Young girl, and ol woman,

Silence my child,
I have but lessons to teach, reach out your hand, or turn around and leave .

**First time I've put pen to paper.*

So other than high school; Year 7 to be exact (11yrs ol) I have had no training, other than reading, of poetry.

So I ask the real poets or lovers of poetry ( haters really aren't wanted) to copy my poem and edit it while explaining and constructive critic mode welcome.

Thank you in advance for your time and I can't wait to read your edited versions. #Happy2016

Ps pretend you're explaining poetry to an alien please.

i don't know why people like using old English in poetry ...it irks me seeing words like Ye and Thou in every poem....modern day poets seem to be stuck in a time warp from the Elizabethan era..

your piece was døpe... It's so good that Imma rate it 1/100 grin

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 10:41pm On Jan 02, 2016

darkenedrebel:

i don't know why people like using old English in poetry ...it irks me seeing words like Ye and Thou in every poem....modern day poets seem to be stuck in a time warp from the Elizabethan era..

your piece was døpe... It's so good that Imma rate it 1/100

Just thought ye with yearn; sounds better than you yearn cry

Rating wasn't required so tongue

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 10:55pm On Jan 02, 2016

Nubian113:

Just thought ye with yearn; sounds better than you yearn

Rating wasn't required so

Is your name Lola? no be Yoruba name be that? grin

i didn't you know you were a Muslim....are you a Five-percenter?(Nation of gods & earths)

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 12:01am On Jan 03, 2016

darkenedrebel:

Is your name Lola? no be Yoruba name be that?

i didn't you know you were a Muslim....are you a Five-percenter?(Nation of gods & earths)

Lol you love interview rebel? Lol allow the exposure (as usual) Quit the constant observing especially when I'm not even 10% sure that you ain't some fat bedridden lezz undecided

So I mind my biz like I do and you follow suit 'handsome' tongue

Re: Lola's List by lezz(m): 12:22am On Jan 03, 2016

Nubian113:

Lol you love interview rebel? Lol allow the exposure (as usual) Quit the constant observing especially when I'm not even 10% sure that you ain't some fat bedridden lezz

So I mind my biz like I do and you follow suit 'handsome'

Lezz happens to be a handle here and not an abbreviated form of any perversity.

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 12:28am On Jan 03, 2016

lezz:
Lezz happens to be a handle here and not an abbreviated form of any perversity.

You come disturb me for that bit of info. Ok by lezz

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 12:44am On Jan 03, 2016

Nubian113:

Lol you love interview rebel? Lol allow the exposure (as usual) Quit the constant observing especially when I'm not even 10% sure that you ain't some fat bedridden lezz
So I mind my biz like I do and you follow suit 'handsome'

Interview? nahh.. like you said I constantly observe things, even the tiniest detail..I think I have low latent inhibition like Michael Scofield cheesy

sorry for asking anyway...was just curious

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 1:39am On Jan 03, 2016

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 1:42am On Jan 03, 2016

darkenedrebel:

Interview? nahh.. like you said I constantly observe things, even the tiniest detail..I think I have low latent inhibition like Michael Scofield

sorry for asking anyway...was just curious

Come on hun. I was hoping you'd help me here not be your usual lipsrsealed

All I did was write what came to mind. That's how it flowed and I just followed. So I wanna try another one. So far no to old slang...got ya. I'm trying too hard to keep a rhyme and rhythm. So maybe just go with it. But I love rhymes and a certain flow.

This one I tried to tell a story but I lost the reader (couldn't follow who was speaking, me or the poem).
I'm reading up on structure, stanza

Rhythm scheme. Lol I'm trying to learn a new skill grin

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 2:13am On Jan 03, 2016

Nubian113:

Come on hun. I was hoping you'd help me here not be your usual
All I did was write what came to mind. That's how it flowed and I just followed. So I wanna try another one. So far no to old slang...got ya

I was kidding about the old slang/old English thingy... I just don't fancy Shakespearean English.. You can use it if you wish to..you must not be inhibited as a writer...
as a matter of fact your window of creativity must never be constricted to a format..

I'm highly anticipating your next drop...if there's anything i love more than beautiful women, it's reading literature both from pros and rookies.. cheesy

Nubian113:

I'm trying too hard to keep a rhyme and rhythm. So maybe just go with it. But I love rhymes and a certain flow

Lmfao... Flow in Poetry? grin

why not start writing rap verses instead.. grin

rap is way more exhilarating

anyway, you can employ the use of slant rhymes whenever you feel stuck...e.g you can rhyme orange with foreign or door hinge..
I equally use slant/approximate rhymes ..
In ma last drop - I rhymed Allegiance with difference, squishing and incense
you can visit a rhyme dictionary as well...though it's not the best option as it would make your verse seem formulaic and mechanical...

as for the flow/rhythm, i advise you draft out a skeleton[outline] for your piece before you start writing and also count syllables...
i.e if your first line consists of 5 syllables
your second line should be around 5, 6 or 7 syllables..same should apply for your 3 and 4th & 5th line..depending on how lenghthy you want the rhyme scheme to be ...
e.g 1st line- Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla - 5 syllables
2nd line - bla di Bla di Bla di - 6 syllables ...
you can switch it up if you want...

with time you'd master it...employ the use of alliterations and assonances as well..

Nubian113:

This one I tried to tell a story but I lost the reader (couldn't follow who was speaking, me or the poem).
I'm reading up on structure, stanza Rhythm scheme. Lol I'm trying to learn a new skill

Yeah I noticed..this poem is a little bit obscure, but I think I got the message you were trying to convey.

I'm not really a poet.. perhaps veteran poets on nl can help you better..but if you are willing to have a firmer grip on rhyme schemes - polysyllabics, alliterations, metaphors, and counting of syllables, I'm more than willing to tutor ya....

all you got to is notify me whenever you are ready and we'd commence in a jiffy grin

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 2:30am On Jan 03, 2016

darkenedrebel:

Is your name Lola?

Lol Lola is the pronunciation of my name but my name is spelt different.

no be Yoruba name be that?

I famz a yaruba man and now I'm divorced.

i didn't you know you were a Muslim....are you a Five-percenter?
No!! really I'm militant "I suffer fools gladly"
I'm extreme in views, I'm extreme by nature. I thought Bush was looking for me for a sec then I looked down at my Gucci and thought nah I'm safe for now

(Nation of gods & earths) what's this please?

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 2:39am On Jan 03, 2016

Nubian113:
[/quote]

Lol lola is the pronunciation of my name but my name is spelt different.

I famz a yaruba man and now I'm divorced.

No!! really I'm militant "I suffer fools gladly"
I'm extreme in views, I'm extreme by nature. I thought Bush was looking for me for a sec then I looked down at my Gucci and thought nah I'm safe for now
(Nation of gods & earths) what's this please?

lol.. Bush looking for you... Hehe

you don't know nation of gods? angry

Elijah Mohammed? Louis Farrakhan? .....check Google as to explain na long talk...

Isn't it late over there..feeling insomniac?
me feeling sleepy already so goodnight Lola grin

...

Re: Lola's List by Nobody: 2:48am On Jan 03, 2016

darkenedrebel:

Lol lola is the pronunciation of my name but my name is spelt different.

I famz a yaruba man and now I'm divorced.

No!! really I'm militant "I suffer fools gladly"
I'm extreme in views, I'm extreme by nature. I thought Bush was looking for me for a sec then I looked down at my Gucci and thought nah I'm safe for now
(Nation of gods & earths) what's this please?

lol.. Bush looking for you... Hehe

you don't know nation of gods?
Elijah Mohammed? Louis Farrakhan? .....check Google as to explain na long talk...

Isn't it late over there..feeling insomniac?
me feeling sleepy already so goodnight Lola ...

Ain't slept since boxing day. Sweet dreams dude undecided

Ps that's the nation of Islam dudes lols no no no

My foundation is sunni Muslim... Derailed my own thread. Thanks. I'm out. *licks the tip of her pencil* grin

Re: Lola's List by merit12(f): 8:43am On Jan 04, 2016

E383:
llaykorn, Nubian has put pen to paper, come and append your signature so we can sell the book.

Good one Nubian113

must you always call llaykorn every were you go?is he your wife? grin

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