₦airaland Forum

A man’s wife is his possession. She is part of his
investment. He believes that by the virtue of anointing her
as his wife, he has elevated her status amongst her peers
and accorded her a respectable position in society.

No
matter how he treats her, it is around her that he builds
his empire and nurtures his desires and hopes for the
future. The fruits of his labour are expended on his wife
and the fruits of their loins, with the belief that they will
be the joys of his old age. No matter the circumstances or
situation of their relationship, whether good or bad, this
oftentimes does not erode her value or undermine her
position in his home and life. For as long as she remains
the chosen one, she is expected to be out of reach for
other men.

Being a Mrs is no mean tag. An exalted position such as
wife, must also come with its demands and
responsibilities and one of them, if not top on the list, is
fidelity: the resolve to preserve one’s self and body to the
service of another. Though this is supposed to be
mutually binding on the two, man and wife, African
culture, tradition and the assumed and accepted
polygamous nature of the male specie, make this more
binding on the woman, than the man. In fact, the Holy
books seem to affirm this position. The Bible admonishes
women to submit to their husbands while the Qur’an
counsels that they guard their husbands’ secrets. Even
moral and societal values, and health considerations
compel it upon the woman, that she stays faithful to her
husband.

Women found wanting in this regard, no matter their
social status and rating, usually fall from grace to grass.
Men consider it a slight on their manhood and a short
change on their investment. Most find it difficult to
forgive such women and the consequences are
sometimes grievous or even deadly.

However, this position now appears to have changed over
time. It is now almost a daily occurrence to hear chilling
confessions of various shades of infidelity from and about
married women.
Many of these stories leave one’s mouth
gaping and mind confused. There is the tale of a woman
with five children in Oke Ira, Ogba, Lagos State, Nigeria
who ended up confessing that only two of them belong to
her husband. One being for the husband’s younger
brother and two for her lovers. The cat was let out of the
bag when the lover insisted on taking custody of his two
children. Refusing all pleas from the woman, he went
straight to her husband and divulged the sordid details.

A similar scenario played out in Meiran area of Alagbado,
on the borders of Lagos and Ogun states. Olusho,
spiritual leader of a white garment church, in one single
blow lost his wife and two children to one of his rich
patrons. His wife on being caught in her web of lies,
decided there was no point denying herself and two
children of the luxury their biological father could provide
for them any longer. So, rather than plead with Olusho to
cover her misdeed and shame, she simply organised a
haulage vehicle and with the support of her rich lover,
moved out same day despite the intervention of
neighbours and elders around. Olusho’s spiritual ministry
came to an abrupt end.

In another case, a young man narrowly escaped being
convicted of child trafficking and perjury by the American
immigration authorities. On the graduation of his first
child from high school in the UK, he figured that he could
work out a cheaper deal with his college expenses since
he is an American citizen and the boy also holds an
American Passport. So, he filed all the necessary papers.
Everything was perfect until a DNA test to prove paternity
revealed he was not the biological father of the boy. To
save his neck, he was forced to reveal that his marriage to
the boy’s mother ended when he discovered she was
carrying a pregnancy that was not his. Without a sense of
remorse, she confessed that the pregnancy was for her
boss at the office and moved out of her matrimonial
home, relocating to London.

A few years after, the first of
the other three children was discovered not to belong to
her husband as well. The teenage boy also turned out to
be the biological child of the same man, her boss who
fathered the last child.
However, more intriguing in this drama of infidelity are
the men who are privy to the shenanigans of their wives
and turn a blind eye to them. Every time, I come across
such stories, I marvel at the level of depravation and
immorality that must have gone into such an alliance.
Several reasons have been postulated for such
developments which to my understanding bothers
majorly on finance and material gains and self
centeredness.

Few have to do with saving public image. For, what is left
to be salvaged in the public image of a man whose wife’s
sexual escapades with other men is no secret? Is he
protecting his wife or his children, or simply pushing off
the day of his eventual spiritual and physical death?
Stories of men who connive with their wives to conceive
children by other men and claim ownership of such
children also beat my imagination. For me, this is the
height of self deceit and should the cookie crumble, the
man still remains the ultimate loser. The children, no
matter their level of disappointment, will still know their
mother as such.

One of such stories that springs up in my mind is that of a
man who after becoming a “born again” Christian decided
to seek restitution. (Whatever that meant to him!) He
allegedly woke up one day and summoned his wife of over
30 years of marriage and their three children to a meeting
where he spilled the beans. The three children, the last, an
undergraduate and another, already married, were not
his.
They were arranged by his wife for him to cover his
shame and inability to father a child, many years ago. Now
that he had been set free of all burdens and shame by his
heavenly father, he no longer felt a sense of compulsion
to keep such a thing secret anymore and so, wanted to set
the records straight with the truth. His wife should tell
him and the children who fathered them.
Thereafter, he would seek forgiveness and permission
from the man to continue to play his fatherly role on the
children. Naturally, the children took sides with their
mother and denounced their father’s actions, even the
church was not on his side, for his queer manner of
restitution. Such an arrangement to my understanding is
a no brainer on the part of such a man, and a win-win
situation for the woman who got an unlimited access to
jump into bed with any man of her choice, conceive
pregnancies outside of the matrimony and openly raise
them with another man’s sweat.

Even then, emerging trends point to the fact that Nigeria
is gradually catching up with the West in what is termed
as open marriage. An open marriage is a union where the
partners are permitted to have sexual relationships with
other partners.

The terms of what is permissible for the two is often spelt
out and the partners adhere to these rules. The plus side
of this arrangement is that the partners get to enjoy the
benefits of two worlds. First is the respect and social
status that marriage provides and the other is the
freedom to explore their sexuality without actually
rocking the boat. While this may not actually be a
common or detailed trend in Nigeria, what is true and
now gaining ground is a practice where the husbands
pretend not to know about their wives extra-marital
affairs but bask in the benefit that such relationships
offer.

A distraught married woman whose husband was deeply
and openly involved with another married woman sought
audience with the woman’s husband with the hope of
resolving what had now become an embarrassing
situation for her. The man patiently heard her out but his
response almost knocked her off her feet. He trusts his
wife completely and has no problems with her
relationship with a man he considers a great mentor in
their lives, he insisted. If she has problems with her
husband, she should go and address it and not drag him
into her war.

All her evidences and plea to help save her marriage were
discarded by the woman’s husband. Many men who have
identified where their breads are being buttered, courtesy
of their wives generosity have learnt to look the other
way, if only to sustain the lifestyle they have or to remain
in their imaginary social status. It is no longer an
abomination to know that your wife is unfaithful. If the
benefits or proceeds from the relationship are
worthwhile enough, knowing the man can only be icing on
the cake as the guy can also get something on the side for
himself if he plays his cards well.

Another category of open marriage in the Nigeria of our
time is one where the wife is not into the affair for
material or monetary gains, but for personal emotional
fulfilment. These couples are usually rich or powerful
members of the society and have an image to protect.
Many reasons may be attributed to this, such as the
sexual inadequacies of the man which tend to result in
extra-marital affair(s) by the woman. In a situation where
the wife is discreet enough about it, and the family name,
business and connections are not affected in any way,
some of these men willingly look the other way these
days.

More so when the men are no saints themselves. Once, in
a conversation with a male colleague who is in his second
marriage, he informed me that he could never divorce his
wife on the basis of infidelity since he is guilty of same.
According to him, should he walk in on her and her lover,
he would excuse himself and walk away, focusing more
on her good sides. He insists this was a mistake he made
with his first marriage and has vowed not to allow such a
little thing ruin his happy home ever again, now that he is
wiser. (Hmmm! Aren’t some of us just lucky? ) Do have a
wonderful weekend!

Ok.you too

What a wonderful epistle?

Apostle Paul will be smiling now cos of it!

But then, very much on point op tnx!!!

Couldn't read, no paragraphs.

Open marriages in Nigeria is as old as time.

Whom the field is open to is another matter altogether.

And please break the OP into paragraphs.... Stopped reading halfway.

@op, I enjoyed reading through, happy weekend to you too.
Back to topic...sadly, that's the world we live in now. I've seen and heard a lot of horrible stories about these weird unions but nowadays, everyone advices everyone to 'mind their own business ' and that means you can only look on while praying earnestly that you don't become a victim too.

bukatyne:
Open marriages in Nigeria is as old as time.

Whom the field is open to is another matter altogether.

And please break the OP into paragraphs.... Stopped reading halfway.

Noted
..TNX

Many Nigerian marriages these days are open marriages where one or both parties close their eyes to infidelities . Society Is part of the problem. As long as people continue to look down on divorced folks many would rather stay in these weird unions so people can say they are role models who've been able to keep their marriages. The irony of it when I hear someone is a role model for been married I lol, if only you know what some of those marriages really look like from the inside