₦airaland Forum

badejob:
I just married my husband back here in August. I even asked him before we got serious that if had a wife/girlfriend over there he wanted to bring over here (the States) just let me know..don't string me along, just let me know & I would just help. I know how it is so hard for immigrants & some lengths they go thru to get a Green Card.

Both our Pastors & the majority of his family that were here in the States attended the ceremony. The next day, as a surprise, his senior Aunt & Uncle provided me with the "traditional wear" for Nigerian brides to help my husband to feel some of his culture to be extended into our marriage cos we didn't have much time to plan.

The problem lays with his "ex-wife"..through a few family members, they confirmed she was "just a girlfriend". They never performed the traditional Nigerian wedding and/or never made it legal. They just called each other husband/wife for the fact they were intended for marriage later down the road. But while he's been in the States & for the past two years, before he was married to me, he kept his Facebook status as "single", even when I tagged him as having a relationship with me..he didn't change his relationship status till the day we were married. His ex even confronted him about his status change at one time then "felt better" cos his page said "single" while mine said "in a relationship" before we got married. He never told her of our marriage coming up till I found out about her & made it known to her a few days before we got married.

She didn't even have any old pix of them together posted up on Facebook herself as well as him. I was being Inspector Gadget cos I don't want to invest my time & heart for something that was a waste.

I just want to know why he can't leave her alone. Just the just YESTERDAY the ex posted a comment on his nephew's page that he re-posted a pic of that I took cos that's how good the picture looked & none of his family had seen updates in awhile outside the few wedding pix..she said "see my boo of life swagger". She had blocked me on FB so I originally couldn't see the post but one of HIS family members took a pic of it & showed it to me. I let her know right after that IM his "boo of life" cos IM the one married to him.

I even reported him to his brother about how he's broken his promise & gotten back in contact with her after blocking/banning her on all platforms.

So do I seriously need to worry about this girl?!?! Is his family covering for him & he plans on bringing her here?!?! Why wouldn't it be easy just to stop communicating with her now that he's married if this marriage is truly valid?? His excuse is: he's known her a long time. But I'm his wife & Ive explained numerous times how it's making me feel due to the fact Marriage for Green Card is so common practice here & the deceit to get it. It doesn't matter what country the immigrant is from.

And if this sounds like culturally, that this marriage is valid, just give me the advice I need to know to get him to stop communicating with her so I can stay settled. I almost rather him cheat on me here instead than worry that I'm being duped so he can bring somebody he loves more over here. He said he's "proven" his love by me meeting his family. But Naiji families will cover for their sons/brothers even more so than any other culture. That was another appeal to me to marry him cos of the strong family morals of the culture cos of my own shakey family relationships that are weak.

Please read this carefully, I have read everything you wrote and I comfortably tell you that your husband is NOT married to that woman. If he was there won't be this back and forth, he will tell you she's his sister and you won't even have a single reason to doubt him because both of them will play that game perfectly.

However, he has a bond with this woman and you have to be tough on him here, if possible tell him to decide if he wants to still be with her or you, If he chooses you, then you have to both agree on a definite punishment if he breaks away again. For example, you can tell him you will leave him if he gets in contact with her again. Apart from that put your mind at rest, make babies and enjoy your marriage.

ElsonMorali:
Unfortunately there isn't a website where you can check. All intended couples are required to collect a certificate from the registry which is then taken to the Church.

If he or the lady is Catholic, and they got married legally they probably had a Church wedding. You could get the name of their parishes from your in-laws (I don't know how you're going to do that), then you could search for that parish online and give the priest a call.

If the family members have assured you that he didn't legally marry the girl and you're his legal wife then I think you've got nothing to worry about concerning the legality of your marriage to him.

Move close to his family in the States and develop a good rapport with them. Nigerians are a communal people.

Once you're accepted by his family, they'll be the ones to call their son to order.

But I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your husband. Let him know that his communication with his ex gf bothers you and that it's too soon to start thinking of divorce unless he plans on bringing her to the US. Then watch his reaction.

I wish you the best.

Do you know how many discussions & arguments we have had behind this woman?! And I tell him WHY I feel uncomfortable?! Then he keeps his phone locked & hides conversations he has with her..its ongoing..I've pleaded with his family..reported him to his brothers..I'm tired..

badejob:
Do you know how many discussions & arguments we have had behind this woman?! And I tell him WHY I feel uncomfortable?! Then he keeps his phone locked & hides conversations he has with her..its ongoing..I've pleaded with his family..reported him to his brothers..I'm tired..

Don't be dear. Don't give up on your marriage just yet. As long as he's not physically abusive towards you, I would like to encourage you to keep trying at least until you're absolutely sure he's no more interested.

There must be that one person he listens to in his family, that one person he respects so much. You might need to approach that person and seek their assistance.

I really don't have much background story about the two of you, whether it was love or an arranged marriage, for how long you courted etc.(can't remember if these were included in your first post. Too lazy to check back )

If you guys were in love before marriage then I'd say you should go back to that period, those times, those activities that brought you close to each other.

If it was an arranged marriage, well you can't appeal to a love that wasn't there in the first place.

And there's also the possibility that he feigned love just to get his green card.

Either way, you have two options

First, you could get out of the marriage and give yourself some peace of mind even as you lick your wounds, or

Second, you could decide to make your husband fall in love with you (an uphill task if you ask me).
Use the advantage of proximity an d get to know what he loves in a woman. The other woman is thousands of kilometers away, you on the other hand stay with him IN THE SAME HOUSE I guess.

Ordinarily I abhore divorce, but your case isn't ordinary now, is it?

All the best though.

Ordinarily I abhore divorce, but your case isn't ordinary now, is it?

All the best though.[/quote]I had a guy friend translate some texts between them at one point..and it's all I need to know..my guy friend advised to find someone else impartial to the situation to re-translate it so I can know he's telling the truth..but I don't know if anyone..then his family acts dumb & acts like they can't understand what the girl is saying to him!! There is no reason why this man would lie to me..he's hating to see the pain I'm in..he's confirmed all what is said on this forum..Nigerian families will cover up wives back home..I even confronted his brother & told them I have lost all respect for my husband &a family for covering this up..I confronted him with my newfound knowledge & he has had no response back once I laid it out before him..

This is his 2nd oldest brother I reported him to after I discovered once again he was talking to her a month after our marriage..we met in June & married in August..this was NOT an arranged marriage!! I felt genuinely at the beginning that this was real..we have no fights & arguements between unless I catch him talking to this girl..

He's been reported THREE times behind this..with NO CHANGE!! If he had respect for his family & respect for me, this wouldn't be an ongoing issue would it?? And the fact his older brother didn't have nothing to say when I confronted him with my newfound knowledge..NOTHING..

badejob:
Ordinarily I abhore divorce, but your case isn't ordinary now, is it?

All the best though.

I had a guy friend translate some texts between them at one point..and it's all I need to know..my guy friend advised to find someone else impartial to the situation to re-translate it so I can know he's telling the truth..but I don't know if anyone..then his family acts dumb & acts like they can't understand what the girl is saying to him!! There is no reason why this man would lie to me..he's hating to see the pain I'm in..he's confirmed all what is said on this forum..Nigerian families will cover up wives back home..I even confronted his brother & told them I have lost all respect for my husband &a family for covering this up..I confronted him with my newfound knowledge & he has had no response back once I laid it out before him..

This is his 2nd oldest brother I reported him to after I discovered once again he was talking to her a month after our marriage..we met in June & married in August.. this was NOT an arranged marriage!! I felt genuinely at the beginning that this was real..we have no fights & arguements between unless I catch him talking to this girl..

He's been reported THREE times behind this..with NO CHANGE!! If he had respect for his family & respect for me, this wouldn't be an ongoing issue would it?? And the fact his older brother didn't have nothing to say when I confronted him with my newfound knowledge..NOTHING..

Two months of getting to know each other?
I'm afraid you married a man you didn't really know.Was he the one who wanted the marriage done as soon as possible?As it stands now,he could have that lady as a fiancee and be hooked to you just for the papers.
Watch how events unfold for the next couple of months and decide what's best for you - to move on or wait it out.

Met June
Married in august

Very good.
No wonder human beings are the source and architects of their misfortunes and sadness simply because they never apply wisdom to their lives

thorpido:
Two months of getting to know each other?
I'm afraid you married a man you didn't really know.Was he the one who wanted the marriage done as soon as possible?As it stands now,he could have that lady as a fiancee and be hooked to you just for the papers.
Watch how events unfold for the next couple of months and decide what's best for you - to move on or wait it out.

I found out for sure..pretended I was him under HIS WHATSAPP account before she caught on what I was doing..I might be pregnant, too..she said for me to go on to have the baby..I said for what?!?! So you can be my child's stepmama?!?!

badejob:
I found out for sure..pretended I was him under HIS WHATSAPP account before she caught on what I was doing..I might be pregnant, too..she said for me to go on to have the baby..I said for what?!?! So you can be my child's stepmama?!?!

Decide what's best for you.

thorpido:
Decide what's best for you.

And he claims she was making all this up, right?? Since I had to "go behind his back"..he said what else can he do to prove what he is saying?!?! I told him that he could call the girl on speaker & tell her it's over & there is to be no more contact & he keeps giving me reasons why he can't..

badejob:
And he claims she was making all this up, right?? Since I had to "go behind his back"..he said what else can he do to prove what he is saying?!?! I told him that he could call the girl on speaker & tell her it's over & there is to be no more contact & he keeps giving me reasons why he can't..

Okay, we are approaching Telenovella status in the drama levels here. You ought to get off NL, pack a bag and go somewhere for a month and think. Think what you want to do, think what you want him to do, think of what the future should look like and how to shape it the way you want. My advise is that, since you want a baby so badly, go have one (he will pay Child Support), since you said you could be helpful to him with his papers, may as well stick with with the plan (at least you know where you stand) and since he is supporting you financially (you're benefitting from this marriage), may as well continue with the program. Because it's rare to date so quickly and get married so fast (c'mon, you can't even get a guy to date you and move in that fast unless he needs a place to stay), you agreed to this, you found out about the other woman and decided to "warn her off" by informing her that you two were getting married (no-one does that) so you cannot claim this blindsided you, deep down you must have suspected (which is why you were fighting her so early on).

Be pragmatic.

badejob:
And he claims she was making all this up, right?? Since I had to "go behind his back"..he said what else can he do to prove what he is saying?!?! I told him that he could call the girl on speaker & tell her it's over & there is to be no more contact & he keeps giving me reasons why he can't..

He's obviously not being sincere.
Have you confirmed you are pregnant?Maybe you should give yourself a break.Take some time off to think what you really want.You may need to move on or decide to stay and see how it pans out.

Phewwwwww!

If he truly loves you then it wouldn't cost him anything to tell the lady off. You've gotten cool advice here from onegai and thorpido.


You know where the shoe pinches you. Just do what's best for you. Be careful.

ElsonMorali:
Don't be dear. Don't give up on your marriage just yet. As long as he's not physically abusive towards you, I would like to encourage you to keep trying at least until you're absolutely sure he's no more interested.

[b]There must be that one person he listens to in his family, that one person he respects so much. [/b]You might need to approach that person and seek their assistance.

I really don't have much background story about the two of you, whether it was love or an arranged marriage, for how long you courted etc.(can't remember if these were included in your first post. Too lazy to check back )

If you guys were in love before marriage then I'd say you should go back to that period, those times, those activities that brought you close to each other.

If it was an arranged marriage, well you can't appeal to a love that wasn't there in the first place.

And there's also the possibility that he feigned love just to get his green card.

Either way, you have two options

First, you could get out of the marriage and give yourself some peace of mind even as you lick your wounds, or

Second, you could decide to make your husband fall in love with you (an uphill task if you ask me).
Use the advantage of proximity an d get to know what he loves in a woman. The other woman is thousands of kilometers away, you on the other hand stay with him IN THE SAME HOUSE I guess.

Ordinarily I abhore divorce, but your case isn't ordinary now, is it?

All the best though.

I found THAT person..AND SHE'S TOLD THE LADY OFF TWICE NOW..she as assured me that I'm the one with the mandate & Im right in feeling this..she sees through the lady's game as well..he still won't admit wrong but my sister that I love with my WHOLE heart is going to help me fix it..I know she's being sincere..she feels like it's a soul tie he can't loose of..but like I finally explained to him..he needs to see this woman is out for blood..as I told him, I don't know what happen between them there in Nigeria, but this lady is out to destroy him..period..cos the cousin had talked to the lady a few days before, RIGHT?? Told the lady to let my hubby be..the lady told her yes & she didn't know of any plans, right??

As soon as I showed her those texts messages, it showed I was not making this stuff up..now the lady has been exposed for what she was doing..I warned the lady I was about to bring in the family & she didn't believe me..even his cousin says my husband has changed for the better since we have met..he was changing before my very eyes when he re-established contact with the lady..not into the loving hubby I know!!

You've said it all nothing more to add

Op

aflyingbird:
he's attached to her in some way.... dey were either married n still are , or r in a relationship... wateva da situation it doesn't look like he gon' leave her alone oo .... he gave u his answer ~~~ he's known her for a long time . u knew of her b4 u married him , it's lyk u saw fire buh jumped in it anyway . he may be using u for green card to bring her to da u.s lyk u already know . nothing u can do to make him leave her...he didn't leave her before he married u , he sure ain't gon' leave her now . watch how tins unfold for some months... if he still doesn't leave her u berra say bye bye to da marriage b4 he breaks ur heart , ur wallet n uses u for green card to boot . not too late 2 walk . wateva u do , don't get pregnant n have a baby for him anytime soon cus if u want to get a divorce it wud be easier 2 do if no kid between u . don't make da mistake of finking having a baby for him gon change him ooo , it won't ooo . i don talk my own ~~~

badejob:
I just married my husband back here in August. I even asked him before we got serious that if had a wife/girlfriend over there he wanted to bring over here (the States) just let me know..don't string me along, just let me know & I would just help. I know how it is so hard for immigrants & some lengths they go thru to get a Green Card.

Both our Pastors & the majority of his family that were here in the States attended the ceremony. The next day, as a surprise, his senior Aunt & Uncle provided me with the "traditional wear" for Nigerian brides to help my husband to feel some of his culture to be extended into our marriage cos we didn't have much time to plan.

The problem lays with his "ex-wife"..through a few family members, they confirmed she was "just a girlfriend". They never performed the traditional Nigerian wedding and/or never made it legal. They just called each other husband/wife for the fact they were intended for marriage later down the road. But while he's been in the States & for the past two years, before he was married to me, he kept his Facebook status as "single", even when I tagged him as having a relationship with me..he didn't change his relationship status till the day we were married. His ex even confronted him about his status change at one time then "felt better" cos his page said "single" while mine said "in a relationship" before we got married. He never told her of our marriage coming up till I found out about her & made it known to her a few days before we got married.

She didn't even have any old pix of them together posted up on Facebook herself as well as him. I was being Inspector Gadget cos I don't want to invest my time & heart for something that was a waste.

I just want to know why he can't leave her alone. Just the just YESTERDAY the ex posted a comment on his nephew's page that he re-posted a pic of that I took cos that's how good the picture looked & none of his family had seen updates in awhile outside the few wedding pix..she said "see my boo of life swagger". She had blocked me on FB so I originally couldn't see the post but one of HIS family members took a pic of it & showed it to me. I let her know right after that IM his "boo of life" cos IM the one married to him.

I even reported him to his brother about how he's broken his promise & gotten back in contact with her after blocking/banning her on all platforms.

So do I seriously need to worry about this girl?!?! Is his family covering for him & he plans on bringing her here?!?! Why wouldn't it be easy just to stop communicating with her now that he's married if this marriage is truly valid?? His excuse is: he's known her a long time. But I'm his wife & Ive explained numerous times how it's making me feel due to the fact Marriage for Green Card is so common practice here & the deceit to get it. It doesn't matter what country the immigrant is from.

And if this sounds like culturally, that this marriage is valid, just give me the advice I need to know to get him to stop communicating with her so I can stay settled. I almost rather him cheat on me here instead than worry that I'm being duped so he can bring somebody he loves more over here. He said he's "proven" his love by me meeting his family. But Naiji families will cover for their sons/brothers even more so than any other culture. That was another appeal to me to marry him cos of the strong family morals of the culture cos of my own shakey family relationships that are weak.

It's very simple really, Just file for him so he can get his workers permit, that way he can work and also contribute to the family. He will get his 2yrs temporary green card, he can't bring anyone with that. Make sure you delay his permanent for at least 7yrs it is possible. Make sure you choose the lawyer and relay your plans and fear to the immigration lawyer. Fyi don't allow him go to nigerian after he gets his temporary

badejob:
I found THAT person..AND SHE'S TOLD THE LADY OFF TWICE NOW..she as assured me that I'm the one with the mandate & Im right in feeling this..she sees through the lady's game as well..he still won't admit wrong but my sister that I love with my WHOLE heart is going to help me fix it..I know she's being sincere..she feels like it's a soul tie he can't loose of..but like I finally explained to him..he needs to see this woman is out for blood..as I told him, I don't know what happen between them there in Nigeria, but this lady is out to destroy him..period..cos the cousin had talked to the lady a few days before, RIGHT?? Told the lady to let my hubby be..the lady told her yes & she didn't know of any plans, right??

As soon as I showed her those texts messages, it showed I was not making this stuff up..now the lady has been exposed for what she was doing..I warned the lady I was about to bring in the family & she didn't believe me..even his cousin says my husband has changed for the better since we have met..he was changing before my very eyes when he re-established contact with the lady..not into the loving hubby I know!!

There's no way an online relationship can beat an offline relationship. You're the one he sees everyday, and unless he's planning on relocating the girl from Nigeria or relocating himself to Nigeria, I'll say you shouldn't be too bothered.