₦airaland Forum

Ruleboi:
My mum's retirement party was yesterday. So me, my wife, and our three months old daughter had to travel down home to celebrate with her. Me and my siblings are all graduates except for the last born,as expected we've all left home to chase our different dreams in different lands. So occasions like this now feels like family reunion IYKWIM. May I add that I'm the first born and the only married one out of her five children? So the occasion was the first one with the nuclear family finally getting extended.

To the real issue; It was time to take pictures.Several shots with various categories of people had been taken. So a picture of mum with her children was called. My siblings were already set. I was called on to join in. Soon as I joined, my wife, seeing another picture was about to be taken hurried along to join, and she was told by one of my siblings that it's a children alone with mum picture. I signalled to her to let us take the picture, but she refused. Immediately asking what I meant by that,she jokingly insisted she must join in the shot as she is now a child too. Others pleaded to let us take the shot first as we had taken several other shots earlier on. She insisted, and the picture was taken with her. No issues about it as it was just a picture, and we were in a merry mood.

Afterwards on our way back home, my wife started giving me some attitude. She had taken offense that I agreed to take the picture without her. I tried to make her see that such pictures could be good for memoirs. I cited an instance of dead elderly people's burial programme booklets, where such pictures could be labelled "mum with her children" during retirement party. She never saw reasons still. She had to seek her mum's opinion about it, and her mum opined that she was right. That's what got me confused. Was I really wrong, or were they just being African? What's your stance on this?

Dude, no matter what, she's family. Her mother handed her to your mother when you guys got married, not to you. She is now part of your mother's children

....

eezeribe:
Op, your wife is very lucky. If I were any of your siblings, I would have insisted that she shouldn't join in the picture... Not minding whose OX is gored.

And you Mr OP, it seems you don't exert your Authority over such issues

Authority? Guy why? Is d OP like Buhari?

naso some women dey take their own hands scatter their marriage..

all those abokoku me and my husband type.. and na them dey cheat pass

everhopeful:
@op: Your wife seems to me like good woman. I believe that during your traditional wedding, your wife was told that your mother is now her mother and your family is now her family, and it seems your wife wholeheartedly took those words literally, believed this and acted accordingly since you said she has a good relationship with your mother.

Your action just told her the reality and don't be surprised when she actually starts treating your family as different from hers because that was the message you guys clearly passed across: that your mother is not her mother and can never be.

Your home is yet young, so please do not destroy it with carelessness. Your primary interrst shouldn't be about rights or wrong but about the fact that your wife felt hurt by the exclusion, which may have been reduced if she wasn't the only spouse in law as this may otherwiise have reduced the impact of the exclusion.

If really your priority is in making your home work and not on people taking sides, I would advise that you apologise to your wife and let her know you consider her a part of your family. Tell her you naively thought it was just a picture and didn't think she would be hurt.

May God bless and keep your home.

Wise.

everhopeful:
@op: Your wife seems to me like good woman. I believe that during your traditional wedding, your wife was told that your mother is now her mother and your family is now her family, and it seems your wife wholeheartedly took those words literally, believed this and acted accordingly since you said she has a good relationship with your mother.

Your action just told her the reality and don't be surprised when she actually starts treating your family as different from hers because that was the message you guys clearly passed across: that your mother is not her mother and can never be.

Your home is yet young, so please do not destroy it with carelessness. Your primary interrst shouldn't be about rights or wrong but about the fact that your wife felt hurt by the exclusion, which may have been reduced if she wasn't the only spouse in law as this may otherwiise have reduced the impact of the exclusion.

If really your priority is in making your home work and not on people taking sides, I would advise that you apologise to your wife and let her know you consider her a part of your family. Tell her you naively thought it was just a picture and didn't think she would be hurt.

May God bless and keep your home.

This is the most dumbest post have read in this thread..

They have taken several pic with her involved, even on their wedding day I believe there are pic she took with the bride maids that the husband wasn't there..

it's just a pic between mama and her children that's all, I see no reason why she should be offended.

op me no dey like prolong matter with woman, so I'm happy u explain things to her, with time she will get over it if she hasn't, na woman matter..
you're not at fault.

everhopeful:
@op: Your wife seems to me like good woman. I believe that during your traditional wedding, your wife was told that your mother is now her mother and your family is now her family, and it seems your wife wholeheartedly took those words literally, believed this and acted accordingly since you said she has a good relationship with your mother.

Your action just told her the reality and don't be surprised when she actually starts treating your family as different from hers because that was the message you guys clearly passed across: that your mother is not her mother and can never be.

Your home is yet young, so please do not destroy it with carelessness. Your primary interrst shouldn't be about rights or wrong but about the fact that your wife felt hurt by the exclusion, which may have been reduced if she wasn't the only spouse in law as this may otherwiise have reduced the impact of the exclusion.

If really your priority is in making your home work and not on people taking sides, I would advise that you apologise to your wife and let her know you consider her a part of your family. Tell her you naively thought it was just a picture and didn't think she would be hurt.

May God bless and keep your home.

correct... You just said my mind..Most of the advice given are just childish, I believe most of them are not even married. Either family picture or whatever, your wife should always be by your side. The way you take her is the way your family will.

Ur wife is nt only ur wife, she is for the family leaving her home for urs, she's is totally correct bc long as its ur mother, equally its hers too, at least u woulda u know women by now!!!!

Hey bro. I'm not sorry to say Buh ur wife is who she is..uve known her attitude before marriage.. So y bring this here?.. Na family picture she deaf?

everhopeful:
@op: Your wife seems to me like good woman. I believe that during your traditional wedding, your wife was told that your mother is now her mother and your family is now her family, and it seems your wife wholeheartedly took those words literally, believed this and acted accordingly since you said she has a good relationship with your mother.

Your action just told her the reality and don't be surprised when she actually starts treating your family as different from hers because that was the message you guys clearly passed across: that your mother is not her mother and can never be.

Your home is yet young, so please do not destroy it with carelessness. Your primary interrst shouldn't be about rights or wrong but about the fact that your wife felt hurt by the exclusion, which may have been reduced if she wasn't the only spouse in law as this may otherwiise have reduced the impact of the exclusion.

If really your priority is in making your home work and not on people taking sides, I would advise that you apologise to your wife and let her know you consider her a part of your family. Tell her you naively thought it was just a picture and didn't think she would be hurt.

May God bless and keep your home.

wise words!

Your wife was right.

When we all get married, don't they tell us that our inlaws are our new parents?

What's your wife's last name today? What is the last name of all of you so called siblings.

Forget all these (Nairaland) people urging you to demean your wife's position. It is your family. Too, as the eldest, you are creating a precedence, which is totally wrong. You should let your siblings, and extended family at large, know that you and your wife are inseparable.

Last July I buried my mum, when it was time for the family picture, all of us and our spouses came in, except our youngest brother's fiance, who I politely told off. (Thank God I did, because today they have broken up).

There's nothing African about it. It is the right thing to do and your wife was right about that. How she expresses her dissatisfaction is totally up to her.

And I think you should start listening to your wife - she'll save you from pressing the self-destruct button.

You were very right, so also, she was right too. The picture should have been taken in batches, one with her and another with your sibblings. Don't forget, she is in the family now. Just let her know you mean't no harm.

Op,most of the guys advising you here are young and not married they can break your home. Your wife only sees herself as a daughter in the family. You yourself are not wrong either,she's also not wrong. Apologise to her,calm her nerves let her keep seeing herself as a daughter to mama and keep your home. God bless you

Ruleboi:
Seriously it was never caused any serious quarrel between us. To be factual, I just felt let down she felt offended afterwards. I mean, that was not the first picture we took on the day. We had taken several others with her in it. I felt if she had just taken it as what it is as soon as she was told,then she wouldn't have felt bad about it at all. Your stance and hers just made me realise some people could attach unrelated meanings to things, thereby making the the simplest things seem complex.

man, stop arguing, what "everhopeful" told u is d answer u seek. Read it 5more times and learn from it. Otherwise u r d type that claim right in everything and it may end up affecting ur young home in d long run.

Wife of nowadays.....




BTW... Who wife epp

It is not a about taking sides. Your wife was very wrong. The picture was for your siblings not sibblings in-law. Her mother is just something else.

I take your wife's side and u kinda deserve the attitude she z displaying. its a simple thing since u said ur siblings has taken some pictures before she joined, u would hv just maintained she take pictures with d family since she insisted instead of making a fuss about it with ur siblings. That was embarrassing enough, i must stay especially in d mist of ur siblings. Afterall d camera film wont finish. Then when she s satisfied with d snaps, u could pet her to step aside so u can continue your "family pic".. As simple as ABC. D attitude is just for u to apologize nd dont always feel u re always right. You did good to have asked for our opinions although no one has monopoly of knowledge, i hope u understand mine.

BTT:
Your wife was right.

When we all get married, don't they tell us that our inlaws are our new parents?

What's your wife's last name today? What is the last name of all of you so called siblings.

Forget all these (Nairaland) people urging you to demean your wife's position. It is your family. Too, as the eldest, you are creating a precedence, which is totally wrong. You should let your siblings, and extended family at large, know that you and your wife are inseparable.

Last July I buried my mum, when it was time for the family picture, all of us and our spouses came in, except our youngest brother's fiance, who I politely told off. (Thank God I did, because today they have broken up).

Does nothing African about it. It is the right thing to do and your wife was right about that. How she expresses her dissatisfaction is totally up to her.

And I think you should start listening to your wife - she'll save you from pressing the self-destruct button.

on point

Mimzyy:
Hmmmm.

What do men really want?

what are you saying can't relate it to the topic

everhopeful:
@op: Your wife seems to me like good woman. I believe that during your traditional wedding, your wife was told that your mother is now her mother and your family is now her family, and it seems your wife wholeheartedly took those words literally, believed this and acted accordingly since you said she has a good relationship with your mother.

Your action just told her the reality and don't be surprised when she actually starts treating your family as different from hers because that was the message you guys clearly passed across: that your mother is not her mother and can never be.

Your home is yet young, so please do not destroy it with carelessness. Your primary interrst shouldn't be about rights or wrong but about the fact that your wife felt hurt by the exclusion, which may have been reduced if she wasn't the only spouse in law as this may otherwiise have reduced the impact of the exclusion.

If really your priority is in making your home work and not on people taking sides, I would advise that you apologise to your wife and let her know you consider her a part of your family. Tell her you naively thought it was just a picture and didn't think she would be hurt.

May God bless and keep your home.

Your post is a very sensible one, and reflects how many wise people would approach this matter.

BUT:

Other wise people differ.

OP was not being careless, neither was his family being unreasonable. He does not need to apologize to his wife. There's been a disagreement, but this is not one of those I'm-right-you're-wrong things.

If push comes to shove, I'd say the family is 100% right. When a man marries a good woman, and she's welcomed and told she's now family, nobody takes that to mean that she's now a biological daughter! And neither does she need to become a biological daughter to act as one! Would she for example insist on being recognized by name in the will (for example) of her father-in-law as a child Maturity and careful reflection should help a woman determine in such cases when to assert herself, and when to pipe down.

I've witnessed similar scenarios on numerous occasions, and indeed, there's usually the daughter-in-law who insists she's now family. Often, two sets of pictures are taken, one with the children, and the other with (wink, wink) all the children. It's all fun, usually, but remember, when push comes to shove, she's NOT a biological daughter, and that's perfectly fine. She does not (as you imply) need to see herself as a de jure biological daughter to act as a de facto one.

OP no worry,

As said, common sense is not common. The issue is on ur path, u re right.
It's just a pity that ur mother-in-law (sorry to say) has instilled some sense of irresponsibility on her daughter, Lemme quote it as "like mother like daughter "
And on the contrast to the mother and "HER" childen picture, when u need it 4 memoir kindly edit her commot.

#simple, my 2 pasewas

I'm just happy the ladies are taking the sides of the man

Ruleboi:
My mum's retirement party was yesterday. So me, my wife, and our three months old daughter had to travel down home to celebrate with her. Me and my siblings are all graduates except for the last born,as expected we've all left home to chase our different dreams in different lands. So occasions like this now feels like family reunion IYKWIM. May I add that I'm the first born and the only married one out of her five children? So the occasion was the first one with the nuclear family finally getting extended.

To the real issue; It was time to take pictures.Several shots with various categories of people had been taken. So a picture of mum with her children was called. My siblings were already set. I was called on to join in. Soon as I joined, my wife, seeing another picture was about to be taken hurried along to join, and she was told by one of my siblings that it's a children alone with mum picture. I signalled to her to let us take the picture, but she refused. Immediately asking what I meant by that,she jokingly insisted she must join in the shot as she is now a child too. Others pleaded to let us take the shot first as we had taken several other shots earlier on. She insisted, and the picture was taken with her. No issues about it as it was just a picture, and we were in a merry mood.

Afterwards on our way back home, my wife started giving me some attitude. She had taken offense that I agreed to take the picture without her. I tried to make her see that such pictures could be good for memoirs. I cited an instance of dead elderly people's burial programme booklets, where such pictures could be labelled "mum with her children" during retirement party. She never saw reasons still. She had to seek her mum's opinion about it, and her mum opined that she was right. That's what got me confused. Was I really wrong, or were they just being African? What's your stance on this?

see the answer from your statement

She had to seek her mum's opinion about it

Ignore your wife

lilmax:
even this one too will modify her comment when her brain is back.... guy don't stress yourself

she don modify her comment just like you said

lilmax:
even this one too will modify her comment when her brain is back.... guy don't stress yourself

lol, nd modify it she did.

proffemi:
Your post is a very sensible one, and reflects how many wise people would approach this matter.

BUT:

Other wise people differ.

OP was not being careless, neither was his family being unreasonable. He does not need to apologize to his wife. There's been a disagreement, but this is not one of those I'm-right-you're-wrong things.

If push comes to shove, I'd say the family is 100% right. When a man marries a good woman, and she's welcomed and told she's now family, nobody takes that to mean that she's now a biological daughter! And neither does she need to become a biological daughter to act as one! Would she for example insist on being recognized by name in the will (for example) of her father-in-law as a child Maturity and careful reflection should help a woman determine in such cases when to assert herself, and when to pipe down.

I've witnessed similar scenarios on numerous occasions, and indeed, there's usually the daughter-in-law who insists she's now family. Often, two sets of pictures are taken, one with the children, and the other with (wink, wink) all the children. It's all fun, usually, but remember, when push comes to shove, she's NOT a biological daughter, and that's perfectly fine. She does not (as you imply) need to see herself as a de jure biological daughter to act as a de facto one.

Wrong, in a proper ceremony when call is made for the children of the celebrants photoshoot, it is strictly for children of the celebrants and not in-law.

The reasons for that are memorial.

The wife should have respected herself and wait for invitations before joining them.


It's not her husband's family event and not her husband's.

This is a case study of logic Vs emotion, we need to understand that women are emotional, and we were asked to live with them with wisdom, since you discovered that your wife was offended by that scenero, you should have forget logic and try to patronize her emotion,so that she will not use deduction to come up with a stance on the matter.

I narrated this story to my wife,and she pitch a tent with your wife, so I didn't bother to take the opposite side,but if such a situation should come up in my family in the future, I know how to go about it.

BTT:
Your wife was right.

When we all get married, don't they tell us that our inlaws are our new parents?

What's your wife's last name today? What is the last name of all of you so called siblings.

Forget all these (Nairaland) people urging you to demean your wife's position. It is your family. Too, as the eldest, you are creating a precedence, which is totally wrong. You should let your siblings, and extended family at large, know that you and your wife are inseparable.

Last July I buried my mum, when it was time for the family picture, all of us and our spouses came in, except our youngest brother's fiance, who I politely told off. (Thank God I did, because today they have broken up).

Does nothing African about it. It is the right thing to do and your wife was right about that. How she expresses her dissatisfaction is totally up to her.

And I think you should start listening to your wife - she'll save you from pressing the self-destruct button.

You are wrong!

Several pictures were taken on that day and she featured in most of them. So not being part in one does make her not part of the family. Infact, a woman would know whether she was welcomed by her inlaw on a daily basis. She doesnt need to wait till pictures were taken in a party.

Oh you mean...if your in law is having a meeting, you ll go and join them all in the name of "your family is my family".

Damned if you do,damned if you don't.
Some families would be offended if she didn't join in the pics ,some (op) were offended she wanted to join.And the way a person behaves depends on where they come from.Maybe in her family there's no differentiation,chai!! Pesin wey open her whole heart and mind has been put down well well in public.She will never forgive or forget

I feel sorry for her though,I believe she's a bit immature believing she's what she's not.Mistaking daughter in law for daughter . When will we all learn?? Ur MIL can never be your mother ,your FIL can never be your father,when the chips are down you will see it live.Too bad it happened in public for op's wife.

I don't even understand why she insisted on making a scene then?Was it out of embarrassment? Op you too shame on you,at least you should have covered up small and let her take one and then whispered to her to shift so you can take your pics.That was one opportunity for you to show her you have her back but you failed.

Prepare for a personality change towards your entire family though.That one Na sure banker.sorry in advance

Lesson: forget all this accept as your family treat as your mother and father,such relationships take time to build and most of the time it's a manual for wives to follow which normally always fail.We must learn to accept relationships as what they are and build them up as best as possible.Not everyone will be lovely dovey.Respectful relationships with boundaries can also be beautiful,no need for fakery.

OBAGADAFFI:
Wrong, in a proper ceremony when call is made for the children of the celebrants photoshoot, it is strictly for children of the celebrants and not in-law.

The reasons for that are memorial.
The wife should have respected herself and wait for invitations before joining them.


It's not her husband's family event and not her husband's.

Don't say I'm wrong when you don't even understand what I'm saying.

Hint: I'm saying exactly the same thing you're saying, only adding that sometimes, when a daughter-in-law insists on gatecrashing, two sets are taken.

I no put mouth for husband and wife matter.Last time I did,they resolved issues and I became d enemy