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100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ - Family - Nairaland

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100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 5:26pm On Jun 29, 2017
Nigerian Self-proclaimed Feminists should read this:


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-37861459

Californian Kathy Murray says she saved her marriage by giving up trying to control her husband. Despite considering herself a feminist, she follows - and now teaches others - the approach of a controversial book called The Surrendered Wife, which tells women to stop nagging their partners and start treating them with more respect.

The first time I married I was divorced by 26. I married for the second time at 32 but soon found myself sleeping in the guest room. My husband and I fought all the time.

Much of our fighting stemmed from the fact I thought my husband was clueless when it came to raising the children (we had four children between us aged from four to nine years old). We also quarrelled about how to manage our finances, and how often we made love.

I was working full-time as chief finance officer for a private school and also volunteered at my kids' school and in my community. My husband was a sales rep for a construction company but I was the breadwinner and acted like I was in charge.

I didn't tell anyone I was in constant conflict with my husband. I was embarrassed, angry and resentful.

The six principles of being a 'Surrendered Wife'

Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband. Respects her husband's thinking. Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him. Expresses what she wants without trying to control him. Relies on him to handle household finances. Focuses on her own self-care and fulfilment

My husband often resorted to watching TV and snuggling with our pets as I'd rage at him over ignoring my needs. I mean all men want sex right? Not my husband. He wanted nothing to do with me. It was awful.

The more I told my husband how he should be, the less he'd try. I couldn't figure it out so I dragged him to marriage counselling. But that only made things worse, so we sent our children to counselling since they too bore the brunt of so much of our conflict. That didn't work either.

So I went to counselling by myself and complained about my husband for more than a year. Spending thousands of dollars, only to find myself nearer divorce than when I started.

I'd cry, fight, yell and pout, thinking he would eventually come around, but he didn't. I lost weight, went to the gym and started getting attention from men which was tempting to act on, but I knew I couldn't do that, so I'd play the victim card and sulk. That didn't work either.

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 5:27pm On Jun 29, 2017
Continued:


I was about to end my marriage when I picked up a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I mean, they don't teach us how to be successful in marriage in school and the women in my life didn't share the secrets either.

It was incredibly humbling to recognise that I had something to do with why my marriage was failing and perhaps even why my first marriage failed. But it was also empowering.

I didn't know I'd been disrespectful to my husband or even that I'd been controlling and critical.

I thought I was being helpful and logical. I just didn't know that respect for men is like oxygen, so no wonder my husband was no longer interested in me sexually.

I'll never forget the day I first apologised to my husband for being rude for correcting him in front of the children, or the day I said "whatever you think" when I'd previously been extremely opinionated about what he should do.


I had trained my husband to ask my permission for everything. And then complained about it for a year in counselling that he couldn't make simple decisions!

I relinquished control of my husband's life, choices and decisions and instead I focused on my own happiness. I was no longer acting like his mother and started acting like his lover.

We were fighting less and less and my husband started reaching out to hold my hand or pull me in for a kiss.

I had no idea that I was responsible for my own happiness. I thought my husband should make me happy.

I've now found subtle ways of getting my husband in the mood for sex, which is far more effective than the days of begging, crying or yelling about wanting it. Even if I'm not in the mood and he is, I often find myself getting in the mood just by being open to receiving pleasure.

My kids began to notice the change in our relationship too, and as a result, their behaviour improved and our home became peaceful and fun again.

Women often ask me if my approach is about dumbing myself down or becoming a submissive wife. I tell them I am a feminist. Surrendering is acknowledging you can't change or control anyone but yourself. That's empowering!

1 Like

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by Ragnorak: 11:15pm On Jul 01, 2017
Most of the feminists we see are not feminists because they want equality. They want to control men. Marry one at your peril.

Quote me to say thrash an watch unripe mangoes fall on you.

5 Likes 1 Share

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by Familyfirst: 6:11pm On Jul 02, 2017
SycophanticGoat:
Continued:


I was about to end my marriage when I picked up a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I mean, they don't teach us how to be successful in marriage in school and the women in my life didn't share the secrets either.

It was incredibly humbling to recognise that I had something to do with why my marriage was failing and perhaps even why my first marriage failed. But it was also empowering.

I didn't know I'd been disrespectful to my husband or even that I'd been controlling and critical.

I thought I was being helpful and logical. I just didn't know that respect for men is like oxygen, so no wonder my husband was no longer interested in me sexually.

I'll never forget the day I first apologised to my husband for being rude for correcting him in front of the children, or the day I said "whatever you think" when I'd previously been extremely opinionated about what he should do.


I had trained my husband to ask my permission for everything. And then complained about it for a year in counselling that he couldn't make simple decisions!

I relinquished control of my husband's life, choices and decisions and instead I focused on my own happiness. I was no longer acting like his mother and started acting like his lover.

We were fighting less and less and my husband started reaching out to hold my hand or pull me in for a kiss.

I had no idea that I was responsible for my own happiness. I thought my husband should make me happy.

I've now found subtle ways of getting my husband in the mood for sex, which is far more effective than the days of begging, crying or yelling about wanting it. Even if I'm not in the mood and he is, I often find myself getting in the mood just by being open to receiving pleasure.

My kids began to notice the change in our relationship too, and as a result, their behaviour improved and our home became peaceful and fun again.

Women often ask me if my approach is about dumbing myself down or becoming a submissive wife. I tell them I am a feminist. Surrendering is acknowledging you can't change or control anyone but yourself. That's empowering!
Every wife should read this again and again,go home to make her Marriage work.
I think you should read what Wives of happy husbands are doing right here:http://www.dailyfamily.ng/9-things-wives-happy-husbands-every-day/

1 Like

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by Prognose: 6:34pm On Jul 02, 2017
Ragnorak:
Most of the feminists we see are not feminists because they want equality. They want to control men. Marry one at your peril.

Quote me to say thrash an watch unripe mangoes fall on you.

Feminism started out well but went overboard on a lot of things. The average modern day feminist is not fun to be around at all, they always seem to be spoiling for a fight. Be all the woman you can be and be proud of it, no need for gender wars. We are not equal. It doesn't make any gender any less inferior.

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Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 6:53pm On Jul 02, 2017
Ragnorak:
Most of the feminists we see are not feminists because they want equality. They want to control men. Marry one at your peril.

Quote me to say thrash an watch unripe mangoes fall on you.

I like the type of feminists who will say that under no condition should a man hit a woman. But when you ask her that "what of if I hit you in retaliation after you hit me first?", then she will tell you that even if she hits you first that you aren't supposed to hit back. That is when they claim to be the weaker sex.

Thunder fire feminism!!!

3 Likes

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 7:02pm On Jul 02, 2017
Prognose:


Feminism started out well but went overboard on a lot of things. The average modern day feminist is not fun to be around at all, they always seem to be spoiling for a fight. Be all the woman you can be and be proud of it, no need for gender wars. We are not equal. It doesn't make any gender any less inferior.

The thing is that the word feminism is basically abused. Why? Because many so-called feminists, especially in Nigeria, probably depend on their boyfriends to live luxurious lifestyles yet call themselves feminists on NL.

No gender is inferior but I'll definitely want to preserve my cultures and tradition. I once had a gf that tells me she must get married to a guy that knows how to cook. I just laughed out loud..
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by GiantParrot(m): 1:50pm On Jul 03, 2017
Interesting read.

Personally, I believe first wave feminism made sense. The society wasn't fair to women in general (actually society was hardly fair to anyone who wasn't wealthy. Wealthy women got far better treatment than 99% of men). But that does not mean everything about that society was wrong. The natural order of male-female relationships in virtually every society all around the world couldn't have happened by mistake. Refining such societies to become more just, as advocated by first wave feminist, was truly something to fight for. Providing equality of opportunity is an excellent step towards refinement. Girl child education is important. Women should be able to aspire to careers where they can rise to positions they deserve. Women, like everyone else need protection from violence. Be it spousal abuse or any other form of abuse.

The 3rd wave feminism came with hatespeech towards men, and leftist nonsense like equality of outcome without regard for merit. It's a totalitarian movement that pushes coercive collectivism, tries to tell all men and women how they must think. They tend to coerce all women, through tactics such as shaming and/or exclusion, into the movement's preferred career choices, having little regard for the individual woman's preferences.

However, the reality is that actions have consequences. Natural orders are usually an imperfect equilibrium that work for the parties involved. Trying to overturn such orders has its negative and positive consequences on the different parties. 3rd wave feminism has its consequences on both genders. Consequences like women being more and more unhappy in the West, facing depression more than ever before; Angry men groups developing as an unsurprising reaction to feminist impact on society. Evidence can be seen in the links below:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2324926/Majority-British-women-pick-housewife-having-career.html

http://nypost.com/2015/05/26/why-powerful-men-now-hide-behind-open-doors/

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1098023

https://www.forbes.com/sites/larissafaw/2011/11/11/why-millennial-women-are-burning-out-at-work-by-30/#180a4db7664

http://www.nber.org/papers/w14969

1 Like

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by bukatyne(f): 5:20pm On Jul 03, 2017
SycophanticGoat:
Nigerian Self-proclaimed Feminists should read this:


@Bold, not necessary except you are spoiling for a fight and not impacting knowledge.

@OP, interesting read. It is what every woman should learn preferably before she gets married. We assume/ are taught that men are domestically awkward so an average wife treats her husband like he is stupid domestically.

Some wives even treat their husbands like he is not the father of the kids and over fret when he is just to spend a night with them.

The art of letting go of things that do not concern you and relinquishing 'control' is very important to lead a fulfilling life.

Again, Nigerians are not taught to truly respect people: Respect is really listening to others even when we don't agree with them.

We need to re-train ourselves to respect people.

And this has nothing to do with feminism.

2 Likes

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by DarkRebel69: 7:01pm On Jul 03, 2017
bukatyne:


@Bold, not necessary except you are spoiling for a fight and not impacting knowledge.

@OP, interesting read. It is what every woman should learn preferably before she gets married. We assume/ are taught that men are domestically awkward so an average wife treats her husband like he is stupid domestically.

Some wives even treat their husbands like he is not the father of the kids and over fret when he is just to spend a night with them.

The art of letting go of things that do not concern you and relinquishing 'control' is very important to lead a fulfilling life.

Again, Nigerians are not taught to truly respect people: Respect is really listening to others even when we don't agree with them.

We need to re-train ourselves to respect people.

And this has nothing to do with feminism.

Many Nigerians contrue respect to mean “prostrating to greet an elderly person”. grin

1 Like

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 9:29am On Jul 06, 2017
bukatyne:


@Bold, not necessary except you are spoiling for a fight and not impacting knowledge.

@OP, interesting read. It is what every woman should learn preferably before she gets married. We assume/ are taught that men are domestically awkward so an average wife treats her husband like he is stupid domestically.

Some wives even treat their husbands like he is not the father of the kids and over fret when he is just to spend a night with them.

The art of letting go of things that do not concern you and relinquishing 'control' is very important to lead a fulfilling life.

Again, Nigerians are not taught to truly respect people: Respect is really listening to others even when we don't agree with them.

We need to re-train ourselves to respect people.

And this has nothing to do with feminism.

feminism has actually degenrated from activism to cultism. Most women who feel that they are feminists usually want to have their husbands play ball boy for them. It's a norm in our normal day to day lives.

I'm an African man born and brought up in Nigeria, so a girl shouldn't be telling me she can't get married to a man that doesn't know how to cook. Heck I should be the one telling her that.

If my wife is unemployed, I expect her to take care of the house but if she's working and I'm also working then the services of a househelp is needed. It shouldn't be like a situation where a lady would be telling me she can't do any house chore when we're married, even if she doesn't have anything doing. I've seen several girls who believe that a lady's words should be the last.

We must acknowledge the fact that women are humans and as important as men to the society but when women begin to ask for too much and want to be seen as the supreme being, that's where problem comes in.
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by Nobody: 9:58am On Jul 06, 2017
bukatyne:


@Bold, not necessary except you are spoiling for a fight and not impacting knowledge.

@OP, interesting read. It is what every woman should learn preferably before she gets married. We assume/ are taught that men are domestically awkward so an average wife treats her husband like he is stupid domestically.

Some wives even treat their husbands like he is not the father of the kids and over fret when he is just to spend a night with them.

The art of letting go of things that do not concern you and relinquishing 'control' is very important to lead a fulfilling life.

Again, Nigerians are not taught to truly respect people: Respect is really listening to others even when we don't agree with them.

We need to re-train ourselves to respect people.

And this has nothing to do with feminism.
Well said! I like my man domesticated. Some men are clueless in home management without their wives _that's why their wives fret, it shouldn't be so. He should be actively involved in the daily running of the home (I don't mean dropping money on the dining table). It's not an attempt to emasculate him, it's for his own good.

Our inability to truly respect another is the reason threads (and issues) like this keep coming up, even when its common sense. These things should come naturally if people love and respect their spouses.

DarkRebel69:


Many Nigerians contrue respect to mean “prostrating to greet an elderly person”. grin
What we have here is lots of pseudo-respect and eye service. That's why one person would be going out of his (or her)way to subjugate a fellow human and the other will rebel.

4 Likes 2 Shares

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 10:50am On Jul 10, 2017
PaperLace:

Well said! I like my man domesticated. Some men are clueless in home management without their wives _that's why their wives fret, it shouldn't be so. He should be actively involved in the daily running of the home (I don't mean dropping money on the dining table). It's not an attempt to emasculate him, it's for his own good.

Our inability to truly respect another is the reason threads (and issues) like this keep coming up, even when its common sense. These things should come naturally if people love and respect their spouses.


What we have here is lots of pseudo-respect and eye service. That's why one person would be going out of his (or her)way to subjugate a fellow human and the other will rebel.
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by Funnyguy83: 3:16am On Jul 11, 2017
op they are coming for you .

1 Like

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by cococandy(f): 5:28am On Jul 11, 2017
You could become a surrendered husband and your family will also have peace.

For you to think that your woman must be the one to surrender speaks volumes to the main issue you people have in your relationship. i.e your blind ego

1 Like

Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by cococandy(f): 5:33am On Jul 11, 2017
And we are back to house chores undecided
SycophanticGoat:


feminism has actually degenrated from activism to cultism. Most women who feel that they are feminists usually want to have their husbands play ball boy for them. It's a norm in our normal day to day lives.

I'm an African man born and brought up in Nigeria, so a girl shouldn't be telling me she can't get married to a man that doesn't know how to cook. Heck I should be the one telling her that.

If my wife is unemployed, I expect her to take care of the house but if she's working and I'm also working then the services of a househelp is needed. It shouldn't be like a situation where a lady would be telling me she can't do any house chore when we're married, even if she doesn't have anything doing. I've seen several girls who believe that a lady's words should be the last.

We must acknowledge the fact that women are humans and as important as men to the society but when women begin to ask for too much and want to be seen as the supreme being, that's where problem comes in.
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 5:40am On Jul 11, 2017
cococandy:
And we are back to house chores undecided

Bia cococandy, hapu'm aka... undecided
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 5:43am On Jul 11, 2017
cococandy:
You could become a surrendered husband and your family will also have peace.

For you to think that your woman must be the one to surrender speaks volumes to the main issue you people have in your relationship. i.e your blind ego

Oi.. Stop the attack.. Every other person made their points in a civil manner except you. This is the problem we are having with you modern day feminists.. undecided

By the way, do I look like I was the one that made up the post? Click on the link, it wasn't just made by a feminist but a white one (the major proponents of feminism).. So why the attack?
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by cococandy(f): 6:15am On Jul 11, 2017
Where's the attack?

Are you the one that created the thread? Yes. So...
SycophanticGoat:


Oi.. Stop the attack.. Every other person made their points in a civil manner except you. This is the problem we are having with you modern day feminists.. undecided

By the way, do I look like I was the one that made up the post? Click on the link, it wasn't just made by a feminist but a white one (the major proponents of feminism).. So why the attack?
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by revolt(m): 8:40am On Jul 11, 2017
cococandy:
You could become a surrendered husband and your family will also have peace.

For you to think that your woman must be the one to surrender speaks volumes to the main issue you people have in your relationship. i.e your blind ego
well put it like this, Choose your battles wisely. If none of both parties refuses to back down cos of bloated egos, who bears the brunt after each fight cos I know naturally men do not want to commit matter of fact it pays him more to have his freedom. Woman on the other lives for a wedding day and her happy home. In this battle mosy likeltly the woman wikk lose all round so why would you go into such a self destructive battle? My two scents
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by SycophanticGoat: 4:53pm On Jul 13, 2017
cococandy:
Where's the attack?

Are you the one that created the thread? Yes. So...


So since I created the thread (sources duly acknowledged), but copied someone's post for the thread, then I must take responsibilities?
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by cococandy(f): 6:27pm On Jul 13, 2017
SycophanticGoat:



So since I created the thread (sources duly acknowledged), but copied someone's post for the thread, then I must take responsibilities?
Umm yea
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by Nobody: 4:17pm On Jul 10, 2019
Nice article. Men are not complex, our needs and expectations are simple. Show us love, respect us (and our family and friends), allow us be men (by not trying to control us). You can express your grievances or disagree with us in a decent manner (and not like a wild dog). Correct us with love, don't nag and don't use sex as a weapon.
Re: 100 Women 2016: I Am A 'surrendered Wife’ by elektra(f): 4:40pm On Jul 10, 2019
Abeg, everybody should find their own level. Marry someone with shared values.
If you want a wife that does all the house chores, marry someone who has no problem with that arrangement.
If you want a domesticated man, look for a man that has no problem contributing to house chores.
If a girl told you she wants a man that knows how to cook, leave her and find another girl that does not care if her man cooks or not.
No need to drink Panadol for nonexistent headache.

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