Nairalanders, I'm at crossroads in my relationship and I'm at a loss on what to do.

I've been dating this lady for the past few months now, 4months to be precise. We are both in the same Postgraduate class. She has been very good to me, although she isn't perfect. Its interesting to note that we didn't start dating through the traditional method of a guy asking a lady out and things like that. I never officially asked her out, we started from being just friends, and then emotions got involved, and we have been good since then.

The issue started when she will always ask me who she is to me, and I always reply her that she is the woman I love and whose beautiful face I want to see everyday. She have asked me this question multiple times and my answer has never changed, sometimes I even have to go poetic. At every opportunity, I have made it clear to her that she is the one for me.

You have to also note that she was in a relationship which would have led to marriage if not that her family objected to it, based on ethnic differences. So sometimes I wonder if this is simply a case of paranoia. On one occasion she asked me if I will be proud to tell my family about her, if things were to work out between us, and I reassured her emphatically, and really, if things were to work out, it would be a dream to put a ring on her,but, I'm not ready for such now, and she knows the state of things for me. But, I have been careful not to make any express promises.

All of a sudden she started asking me 'to what end is the relationship'. She have asked me this question severally, and I told her that if things work out between us, that it will be amazing, but this isn't enough for her. Yesterday, she brought up this question again about 'to what end is the relationship', and that telling her i dont want to lose her is not enough, so I told her not to ask me that anymore, that if she feels she can't trust me or my intentions that she should feel free to walk. I really felt the interrogation was becoming sickening, so i had to put my feet down and I asked her why was she concerned about where the vehicle is going and not whether the vehicle is even good enough for the journey.

Since then she won't talk to me anymore. I understand she wants me to maybe promise marriage, but I can't, as noone knows what the future holds, besides, such promise may make her modify her behavior.

Somebody should advise me please. If I am to get married tomorrow, she is the woman for me. But I can't tell her this because we haven't really gone that far and I am not ready for making marriage promises now. And I don't want someone holding me hostage tomorrow, saying I promised to marry her.

Lalasticlala, mynd44, seun please help me.

hmmm...

OP I don't know about you, but my dad will always say 'no matter what you do, never promise a woman marriage, unless you are ready to marry her the next day'

Use your head

Op daddy 7Alexander has spoken that's all I have to say too..!!

Don't commit yourself to what you can't hold...if you not read, and she's that desperate or really wanna mk things come up speedy....Bros,let her go,you help yourself,you help her....when a girl begins to ask you such question over and over,she really wanna settle down ASAP....

That babe wants to settle down and she's not in for time wasting.. I do understand her plight though, since you ain't ready just tell her plainly that you'll love to marry her but you just have to be sure, it won't hurt, she just wants something to hold on to that's all, she must have experienced being jilted by someone she has invested all her time and energy in and she doesn't want a repeat

Op you have done necessary allow her do the rest

dump her

MrIndespensable:
Don't commit yourself to what you can't hold...if you not read, and she's that desperate or really wanna mk things come up speedy....Bros,let her go,you help yourself,you help her....when a girl begins to ask you such question over and over,she really wanna settle down ASAP....

exactly my thoughts, she have been having some issues with her dad because of his objection to her marrying the other guy. As a result she just justice wants to leave home. She is good, very good, but I'm not ready for marriage. Unfortunately, if I tell her this, she will walk, and sincerely, I don't want to lose her

Bae simply wanna settle down...! Don't force it if you ain't ready... Period!!!

As it stands now she might end up marrying a bully because she's desperate.

OP is she up to tarty?

Because e be like say she don dey near menopause

Only 4 months and you have already concluded that she is the woman for you?
I always tell my friends, COURTSHIP IS A PERIOD OF MUTUAL DECEPTION and PRETENCE. . dont be too fast to conclude

Op she is just bn insecure,Just call her and ve a nice discussion with her but don't promise her marriage if u re not sure yet. But if she opens up Nd tell u that she wants to settle down asap,then u ve to do needful either u marry her or u allow her to go. U can't keep her to urself if u re not yet ready.

creolehunt:
exactly my thoughts, she have been having some issues with her dad because of his objection to her marrying the other guy. As a result she just justice wants to leave home. She is good, very good, but I'm not ready for marriage. Unfortunately, if I tell her this, she will walk, and sincerely, I don't want to lose her

I understand you perfectly Man,since you not ready don't tie her down..you will surely get a good girl since you are good guy too..don't be scared to loose her,life goes on.

smartty68:


OP is she up to tarty?

Because e be like say she don dey near menopause

She is 26.

Cc cococandy, benita27, bamisepeters, ishilove, pocohantas

creolehunt:

She is 26.

Cc cococandy, benita27, bamisepeters, ishilove

Hmmm! And she's already acting like this

Please let her be biko

First off, are you both compatible on the ethnicity side of things? Remember that was what broke her first engagement.
Second, do you really know what you want? I doubt it as you are dating someone who is all bent on getting married ASAP and that is not what you want at the moment and yet you won’t let her go to meet someone who wants to settle down ASAP like her? Why are you bent on holding on to her (you are selfish) and yet you are not ready to marry as at now? You clearly know she wants marriage and nothing more.
Third, you already know that she is desperate just within 4 months you’ve known each other not even allowing time to pass for a proper courtship to know if both of you are suited to each other and she’s already desperate to settle down? Which kin thing be that?

Smartty68 i am here.

To the issue of discusaion:

First, no one is perfect, we are all struggling and no matter how hard we struggle to be perfect we will still become more imperfect.

If you know you are not ready just let her go, she needs a man who is ready, this is more than obvious.

Even if you don't want to hit the nail on the head, a woman will know if your plans for her are negative or not through the words of your mouth, it is not until you say you want to marry a woman that she will know you really want her forever, however, she will want you to hit it very hard for confirmation which you are denying her.

You started it and you cannot finish it all. I remember my best friend who happens to be a female asked me that question back then and i was so smart to tell her she is my friend because i know i don't want any feelings to grow, women are weak when it comes to emotional matters, the moment you start calling a lady pet names she will start thinking there is a special feelings for them let alone when you now mention those sweet words, you are a murderer.

You caused it so you should try all you can to withdraw what you have created in her.

This is the fact, she is ready to settle down and you are not, so, if you have nkt explored her i think you should create the space so that she can really see that you are not ready for what she thinks you are ready for.

creolehunt:

She is 26.

Cc cococ.andy, beni.ta27, bamise.peters, ishil.ove, pocoh.antas

You know what you want. Just don't let anyone coerce you into putting a ring on the finger. I won't say 4months is too soon 'cause some people married in one or two of dating but you still do need time to decide if marriage is the next move and if she's truly the one.

She's desperate to settle down and insecure of her place in your life. There was no formal relationship proposal so she was naturally meant to have doubts if you loved her, and perhaps you're the kind of man who loves deeply but never makes it overt to his spouse so she had to demand for assurance.

Tell her you're not ready, and be ready to loose her if she can't stay.

She would not stop disturbing you with her demands for you get ready to settle down with her!

Until yu come clean n tell her you can't afford to get married now! ...she's beginning to sound too desperate! ... I would advice to stay clear of her desperate moves to tie you down since yuar not ready!

Fine you love her m don't want to lose her ...but love is bullsh!t when it comes to decision concerning marriage leading to building a family.

If yu can't afford to sponsor a family avoid anything marriage! ....I personally have told myself that if am not financially okay to sponsor both my own family ...I would not get married!

I would rada use the token I have in sending food stuffs to my parents instead of using it to pay for a wedding that I know won't last since I will go broke after the wedding ceremony!

I rada die single n alone than giving birth to children without the means to sponsor their education n feeding!

Dude, let her go if you can't give her what she wants.

creolehunt:
exactly my thoughts, she have been having some issues with her dad because of his objection to her marrying the other guy. As a result she just justice wants to leave home. She is good, very good, but I'm not ready for marriage. Unfortunately, if I tell her this, she will walk, and sincerely, I don't want to lose her

Y are you selfish? Y do u want to waste her time?
4 months in a defined relationship should tell where it is heading to.

She is bigger than this boyfriend and girlfriend BS and wants a more committed relationship.

My friend tell her in clear terms that you are not thinking of marriage because you are not ready and let her go and marry a man that is ready.

It is even likely when you are ready u'll marry someone else and end up wasting her time.

Please save her precious time and future by letting her go.

Thank you for your responses.

She knows I'm not ready for marriage now, because she is fully aware of my present situation. And I do not know if she is desperate for marriage now either, in fact there was a day she told me that she is looking to get married at least 3years from now.

The feeling I get is that she wants it to be me, whenever she plans to settle down. OK, on my birthday, she insisted on unprotected sex, which I vehemently objected to. I told her about the risk of pregnancy, and in her words 'is it not people that get pregnant'? After my refusal, she mercilessly teased me saying I wasn't a real man, that I was scared.

On one occasion, she was telling me about the baby names of her choice and how she wants a small wedding.

She is very much into me, and have made sacrifices for me, honestly. But marriage isn't in my plans now, and I can't promise her that, not like she told me she wants to get married ASAP, she only said she wants a committed relationship, I dont know what she means by committed

creolehunt:
Nairalanders, I'm at crossroads in my relationship and I'm at a loss on what to do.

I've been dating this lady for the past few months now, 4months to be precise. We are both in the same Postgraduate class. She has been very good to me, although she isn't perfect. Its interesting to note that we didn't start dating through the traditional method of a guy asking a lady out and things like that. I never officially asked her out, we started from being just friends, and then emotions got involved, and we have been good since then.

The issue started when she will always ask me who she is to me, and I always reply her that she is the woman I love and whose beautiful face I want to see everyday. She have asked me this question multiple times and my answer has never changed, sometimes I even have to go poetic. At every opportunity, I have made it clear to her that she is the one for me.

You have to also note that she was in a relationship which would have led to marriage if not that her family objected to it, based on ethnic differences. So sometimes I wonder if this is simply a case of paranoia. On one occasion she asked me if I will be proud to tell my family about her, if things were to work out between us, and I reassured her emphatically, and really, if things were to work out, it would be a dream to put a ring on her,but, I'm not ready for such now, and she knows the state of things for me. But, I have been careful not to make any express promises.

All of a sudden she started asking me 'to what end is the relationship'. She have asked me this question severally, and I told her that if things work out between us, that it will be amazing, but this isn't enough for her. Yesterday, she brought up this question again about 'to what end is the relationship', so I told her not to ask me that anymore, that if she feels she can't trust me or my intentions that she should feel free to walk. I really felt the interrogation was becoming sickening, so i had to put my feet down and I asked her why was she concerned about where the vehicle is going and not whether the vehicle is even good enough for the journey.

Since then she won't talk to me anymore. I understand she wants me to maybe promise marriage, but I can't, as noone knows what the future holds, besides, such promise may make her modify her behavior.

Somebody should advise me please. If I am to get married tomorrow, she is the woman for me. But I can't tell her this because we haven't really gone that far and I am not ready for making marriage promises now. And I don't want someone holding me hostage tomorrow, saying I promised to marry her.

Lalasticlala please help me.

Why wouldn't she be concerned about the destination before worrying whether the vehicle is strong enough to do the journey? The first and the primary concern should be to determine your destination while whether the vehicle is capable becomes secondary. That's the ways things should be and not the other way round.

BioTeck:


Why wouldn't she be concerned about the destination before worrying whether the vehicle is strong enough to do the journey? The first and the primary concern should be to determine your destination while whether the vehicle is capable becomes secondary. That's the ways things should be and not the other way round.

This isn't really my line of thought. Will you meet a lady, and jump into making marital promises? What happened to building a truly meaningful connection, understanding yourselves, creating strong emitional bond, appreciating your individual aspirations?

When she asked if I will be proud to take her home to my people if things worked out, I told her yes. What else does she want to hear?

Desperate bitch. Some families just subject their daughters to desperation. Denied Marriage cos of ethnicity. Smh

Give her belle

ur problem will be solved biitch

So u won tell me say, u don't know wat to do

I don't know about u OP but in my humble opinion, I think u are driving 200km per hour on an 80km Zone. u met 4 months ago and u have professed your undying love for her already..

Don't u think that word was thrown a bit too casual and too soon And could be the reason why she kept on asking if u were for real.
Don't u think she has heard those kind of sermon several times from other guys?.

Pls do not let any human corner and drag u into what u cannot complete.. i guess u know what she wanted..So if u are not ready don't waste her time...

creolehunt:

This isn't really my line of thought. Will you meet a lady, and jump into making marital promises? What happened to building a truly meaningful connection, understanding yourselves, creating strong emitional bond, appreciating your individual aspirations?

When she asked if I will be proud to take her home to my people if things worked out, I told her yes. What else does she want to hear?

There's always a way of saying YES that it would mean No to the next person. I believe if you were convincing enough, she'd understood your meaning.

If you need my honest opinion, let her be. She wants to rush you and it would cause problems later. If God says she is the is the one, she would still be available even one year from now.

creolehunt:
Thank you for your responses.

She knows I'm not ready for marriage now, because she is fully aware of my present situation. And I do not know if she is desperate for marriage now either, in fact there was a day she told me that she is looking to get married at least 3years from now.

The feeling I get is that she wants it to be me, whenever she plans to settle down. OK, on my birthday, she insisted on unprotected sex, which I vehemently objected to. I told her about the risk of pregnancy, and in her words is it not people that get pregnant'? After my refusal, she mercilessly teased me saying I wasn't a real man, that I was scared.

On one occasion, she was telling me about the baby names of her choice and how she wants a small wedding.

She is very much into me, and have made sacrifices for me, honestly. But marriage isn't in my plans now, and I can't promise her that, not like she told me she wants to get married ASAP, she only said she wants a committed relationship, I dont know what she means by committed

The writings on the wall are as plain as day. It's obvious what she wants. You know what she wants. She knows you know what she wants. You know she knows you know what she wants. So pls stop deceiving yourself and let her go. You can't eat your cake and have it.

creolehunt:
exactly my thoughts, she have been having some issues with her dad because of his objection to her marrying the other guy. As a result she just justice wants to leave home. She is good, very good, but I'm not ready for marriage. Unfortunately, if I tell her this, she will walk, and sincerely, I don't want to lose her

.

that's self centred of you. tell thet babe the truth jare... awon time wasters... iranu...