₦airaland Forum

Am a psychologist, I took time to read your post concerning your wife and all the activities involved before the wedding and after the wedding.

My brother your wife loves you, but at some points you are not doing the right thing by frowning or getting annoyed at some of her wrong actions.

Getting annoyed or frowning at a particular situation is good, but please during this, you don't beat her, or say some things that will cause havoc in your marriage, you are only reminding her that you are the head of the family. Please note, you only do this when you are sure she is wrong, please if you are not sure, don't try it all.

If you recalled, before now she was still communicating with her ex, whether you believe it or not, the flames of that love is still with her. Not wishing her a happy birthday on the dot 12 was to prove a point to her that, you no longer care for her. You never can tell what the ex discussing with her. But mind you, she is your wife. Women tends to respond to words more than what the see.

What am about to tell you, if you can't do it, you wouldn't be able to save your marriage.
On a cool evening, take note that she free and alone, kneel down and hold her hand, begin to tell her that, she is always in your mind, my brother you know the sweet words to say. Note this: if she tells you to stand and she hugs you, brother your workings will not be tedious, else my brother you have a big work to do.

But if there is green light, you just don't stop there, begin to give her more attention, even if you are in office call her like two times before you come back home. When you come whether she cook or not, ignore it, find your food and go play with her, don't give her space at all. My brother she will start thinking about you by force.

Talk to her still she forget about that her ex, my brother you don't talk to her about her ex, this is very important!! she will be the one to remind her ex that she is married.

At the end you are the winner.. Try this and thank me later..

jp130:
I must confess, dis is a very complicated issue. Wit consideration of her bhaviours, it is risky to leav her bhind n even mor risky to cross wit her. In marriage, Gods love(agape) is d foundation n u n ur wife need it badly. It is obvious dat ur wife pretended b4 marriage( most pple do because of love) bt staying married is an art both of u needs to learn n must b willing to learn. Let ur family pastor counsel both of u n both of u need to pray because satan wants to bring u down tru ur wife. She must b prayerful else d devil may use her as u claimed. God bless u

Thank you so much.

Go and see T. B Joshua before you travel. Jesus will use him to help your marriage.

So sorry bro, most of our women are like that. Manage your home that's how our forefather's manage their homes too.

Anonymus010:
I Need The Advice Of Experienced Married Men

NB: This is not my real account, I created this account for the purpose of this issue.

Please, I need the advice of married people (especially married men). I will make the story as simple as possible and I promise not to compromise the truth to favour me in this issue.

Brief Introduction: I am a man in my late 20's. Got married last year and currently have a 3month baby.

Brief history of my relationship prior to marriage: I dated my wife for 4years before we finally tied the knot last year. I met her in the university, we were classmate in school.

Before I started dating my wife, I was dating a girl in the same class but we both agreed to separate after 1year because we were age mate and she was keen on getting married immediately after graduation which I knew I will not be ready for marriage by then (Note: No sex in the relationship, She was a virgin and because I couldn't assure her of marriage, I didn't sex her).

After the break up with my ex, I became close to my wife and we started dating. She was self sufficient as she had a source of income while in school, she supports me, gives me money, cooks and buy me food etc. She was the best woman any man can think of. I fell in love along the line and decided this is the right lady to marry.

Note: There were several backlashes from other classmates insinuating she snatched me from my ex but we scaled through all that. We dated for 2more years in school and we graduated. We dated for another 2more years post school till last year.

Brief history immediately before marriage: Everything was fine till my wife's birthday last year. I did tripple shifts at work(48hrs work non-stop) and came back a night before her birthday and slept off. I woke up 2:30am to wish her happy birthday. She got angry and told me I didnt put her in mind and that I was not the first person to wish her happy birthday (She later told me her ex wished her first at exactly 12am). I apologised to her and told her the reason I missed the time. I had just 10k, gave her 5k to do a birthday photoshoot, used about 3k to buy her goodies as salary has not been paid.

Fast forward to after 1week of the birthday, she came up with serious issue, saying she wanted a break but not total break-up for some months to put herself together. She lamented she was not getting anything from the relationship, I don't usually take her out, I didnt celebrate her birthday well for her, I didnt buy cake, I didnt buy gift etc. I apologised and pleaded with her to be patient as we had big projects before us (wedding, masters degree and family apartment) which she knew I was saving for. We settled it and had sex. After 7days, I saw a call log on her phone where she had a conversation with her ex for almost an hour between 11pm and 12am. After 1month, she missed her menses and was pregnant. I asked her if she ever saw her ex, she cried and swore that she didn't (Note: I trusted her because she is modest and she is not the sex type). So, I agreed, accepted the preg, quickly arranged an impromptu wedding, I quickly sourced for money, spent over N2million on the wedding......

THE PROBLEM:

2weeks after the weeding, my wife started abusing my family especially my mum, telling me she hated how my family behaved during the wedding. I pleaded with her not to allow this to affect our home. The insults and abuse became perpetual. My wife works from home and will give me several reasons why she cannot cook after giving her money for food stuffs once I collect salary. Its just 2 of us living in a mini flat & I wash my clothes myself, but she will give me thousands of reasons how the non-existent house shores prevent her from cooking.

After 9months, she gave birth, I asked her who she wanted to come do omugo with the baby between her mum and my mum. She opted for my mum (claimed her mum will be giving her problem). Not up to 1week that my mum came over, she has started complaining about everything she does. Despite the fact that this woman will wake up 5am, wash everybody's clothes, bath the baby but she doesnt cook. My wife started complaining about her being obligated to cook every morning because of my mum's presence(Note: she doesnt cook in the morning, if I am going to work by 8am, I will either warm a left over previous night's food or source for food outside). When the complain was becoming overwhelming to the point of her almost insulting my mum in my presence, I told her I will tell my mum to go back to her house( my mum lives in a mini flat too with my dad, so they are very comfortable). She said I shouldn't. After 1 month, my mum left. The abuse, insults and complain continued. She will nag about how my mum did when she was with us, abuse and insults my family. I will appeal to her and defend my family. My wife became complete opposite of who she was when we were dating.

The real issue at hand: We would be migrating to the US soon. Lately, I can't control my wife, anytime I don't buy her idea or wish, she will rain insults on me. Just 3days ago, she told me I don't have sense repeatedly just because she said we should go and greet her mum's pastor which I told her not now but we can go later. If I tell her to do something, she will do otherwise and give me thousand of reasons she can't do it. 2months ago, I reported all her attitudes to her mum, her mum talked to her but no change, she is getting worse. Last week, I did 24hours at work, I got home, my wife didn't cook. I got into the kitchen, made custard and placed the soup on the gas cooker. We were both in the living room. She perceived the soup was getting burnt and insulted me, telling me it was because I was not the one that dropped money for the soup, thats why I wanted to burn it (She cooked the soup with her money because my salary was delayed). She insults me at will, gives me no respect and treat me as trash.(Note: I had never cheated on her and she doesn't doubt my fidelity. Likewise, I had never suspected her of such too).

I am currently scared because I know US is women's world because I have included her and the kid as my dependents in my green card petition. I am scared for my life and career because she could go worse in the US and destroy all I have laboured for.

Please kindly advise me on what I can do to change her.

Sorry for the long write up and any grammatical errors.

To me your problem started from the highlighted words above.

When she asked for a break, you didn't grant it, instead she sold you a pregnancy and you rewarded her with marriage.

She doesn't want to marry you and she doesn't want to me a single mom (KingMum) so you provide a safe haven to soften the burden.

You need to be a Man. Every home had its challenges but you need to Man Up.

If you don't take charge here in Nigeria, you are a dead man when you get to USA.

Your story portrait you as a Weak Man (pardon my french). Your wife insult you, your MOTHER (woman wey carry you for 9 months in her womb and trained you) and your family and you claimed you apologize. Please what exactly is your apology for?

Is it a must you married her? Do you value your happiness? Are you that desperate for a wife?

If it is a must you must married her, call her and have a chat? A once lovely spouse or girlfriend can't just changed to be something else.

Also brother, if you have to compete with your wife ex for attention, you're in trouble.

Anonymus010
If you watch Nigerian movies, you'd have a reasoning that some things like these may not be ordinary. They could be projection from her family side or your family side. Or it could be she has been initiated in an evil kingdom. And assignment is to fustrate your life.

SOLUTION: Take her with you to The Lord's Chosen Ministry. You can come alone if she refuses. Present your matter to God and he will deliver your wife and restore peace.

I remember a man gave testimony last two months. He said after he married his wife she became complete opposite. He didn't know his Father was the one manipulating his wife, until the man of God mentioned his case and the evil spell was broken. Now there is total peace. This is true life story/testimony.
It's not even the 100th testimony of it's kind in Chosen.

You dated for 4years, no sex until after you saw her ex's call log, before you then had sex. Sorry bro. It's part of those women things.

My advise is that you should plead. serious pleading o! with her & give her more attention.

ornicus:
your wife is CLEARLY still attached to her ex. she is just managing you all that is keeping her in check is our societal norms
you are right not to want to go to the US with her.
[i know of a couple who emigrated to the US on the madam's dime and the husband then came out of the closet]



why is an ex calling her at 12 am? why is she comparing you to her ex?

.

you people are dating seriously. the time for money for fun should be on hold, and both of you need to understand that. it is more comparison to her ex, who is shelling out money.

O.p is gonna end up financing his wifey's Ex to America indirectly, she then dumps him, carry her pikin go meet d real papa. Myt b wrong , my tots tho

Logobenz2:
Woman insult your family in your presence you no jam am till she collapse
Bros you dey fall hand o
Please no one should advise this kind of weak man.spits!
Who wouldn't know what to do at this point?some people dey born sha
Just look at someone's son.e be like na pap den use raise you.
Your mom comes to your own house and your wife not only mistreated her but tried to insult her in your presence?you know why?she knows you are a weak man.
That was your golden opportunity to teach her a bitter lesson that will be justified anywhere in Nigeria.
I wonder what she will do to you if you take her to the US.
Better cancel all plans of that visa,withdraw the application,divorce that woman whether the child is yours or Not,do not care!just be sending upkeep money for the child and get yourself another woman.
Jesus Christ!

I don't know how to hail you fur this candid advice.

You'rea great guy!

Keep your marriage off social media
That's all my advice.

GrabHisBalls:
I don't pity some of you when you end up with bad wives. This your wife is everything bad. No character, no home training, no respect for elders, and you want to say you didn't notice any of these while dating even if she's the best pretender in town.

Marriage is for better, for worse. Carry your cross.

He most have seen this trait in her before marriage. The following reasons will always remain the excuse.
* She has spent on me
* She go a good look
* Infatuation
* She is pregnant
* She will change her attitude after marriage, etc

luminouz:
Hope you're not like her sha!
Because I go so deal with you eh!!!!

Happy Sunday. You know, I can't hurt a fly. My weakness is my good heart.

IMASTEX:
He most have seen this trait in her before marriage. The following reasons will always remain the excuse.
* She has spent on me
* She go a good look
* Infatuation
* She is pregnant
* She will change her attitude after marriage, etc

I know he did. From his narrative, she used free food to get him.

.

GrabHisBalls:
Happy Sunday. You know, I can't hurt a fly. My weakness is my good heart.

Awwwwwwwwwwn....see as my heart just cut now now

Happy Sunday!!

luminouz:
Awwwwwwwwwwn....see as my heart just cut now now

Happy Sunday!!

Abeg, make e no cut. I personally don't see it as a thing of pride 'cause people take advantage of that.

Eluwilussit:
They are very, very manipulative. Everyone of them. It’s in their DNA. I truly feel for that young man.

Yes - none is excluded even my wife, sisters and mother. That’s the nature of women. As you said, it’s part of their DNA and human composition. All men must know this for their own good and betterment else they would be aloof to the doings of women.

Men must understand the method their wives or the women in the lives utilize to manipulate them. For instance, my wife is the yelling type. At the beginning of the marriage, it was irritating and annoying. Now, I consider what she wants and if it’s for my own betterment and the overall betterment of the family, I will do it. If it’s exclusively for her, if she like break the house with yelling, I will not bulge. Once she knows my stance and she tries a different approach and find out I’m adamant, she gives up.

All men must prepare for eventualities and must at every point seek to improve their lives financially, and healthy wise. If you die tomorrow, your wife will move on and some may do some with another man. If you have conversations with women, their priorities is themselves, their kids, their family and then you (husband). This is a fact and not a joke. Many men here would always want to say my wife is different - I laugh in Chinese.

Please, I’m not condemning women or hating them. NO - we need women in our lives, without them many of us may not enjoy this life. However, I’m highlighting what makes women, WOMEN. Many young men will never get this till they get married. I didn’t and I thought I was a smart man when selecting women.

I will conclude with this - Understand the manipulative weapon of choice your woman uses only then you will begin to see things clearly and choose your actions appropriately. Overall, seek your own happiness first and do things that will keep you happy and healthy

LaurelP:
3 options.

1. Sit her down and talk to her. Try to find out why she's acting like that. Why's she still in touch with her ex? Heart to heart talk. Give her a month, if nothing changes, go to 2.

2. Talk to her parents. Give her another month. If nothing changes, go to 3.

3. Talk to her pastor. If nothing changes...

My brother find your way.

You think a woman would genuinely tell you what’s in her mind. Shake my head

sholikay:
well i'm not married, but from what you typed,it seems she has given you clue of what you are doing to her,which is prompting her to act that way...that's the issue of not giving her enough attention, care and love...some ladies might be so funny and crazy when you tend to deny them some things..she knew she is married now and since she can't cheat on you,due to conscience or whatever. she expected you to be giving her all she needs,irrespective of your busy schedule... why not deal with that first by planning your time with her,then see if she will change... I believe she can be easily manipulated by you,since she is not giving you a silent and cold treatment.... her constant nagging shows she needs you to amend immediately... women can be so funny...
note:I'm currently in such with my fiancee presently.. due to my NYSC posting we have been on this LDR thing for now,and I have not really had time for her like before..we hardly see,and she complains,nags at my little mistakes.but when I started shifting my attention back to her,her head is calming back a bit....



just be calm and amend...she is your wife now and not a fiancee or girlfriend...

Bvtch nigga spotted.

NiRfreak:
You are big fool. who gave u an opinion in the midst of sensible being...iranu ofo

Thanks so much for the comment...what a privilege you have...thanks once again

A woman is suppose to worship, respect and love her man through thick and thin, when a woman no longer does that and instead nags all the time. This is a sure sign that the you have been conned since from day one. Don't bother yourself for any counseling, the leopard can never change its spots. For your peace of mind and your future start working towards seperation ASAP, don't take them to the US. That child is not your child thats the plain truth.

lilmax:
well I didn't read your story

but the comments here says you're foolish


I believe those comments

You are wicked

You are carried away with too much responsibilities and you fail to fulfill the part that says husband love your wife shower her with love take Her out treat her like your babe and see her reciprocate.
Secondly the issue of DNA the US embassy will sort that for you because they can not give that child green card except a DNA confirms.
Thirdly the first 5 year of every marriage is a serious trying time so try your best to over come The temptations that comes with it .
PLEASE GET A HOUSE HELP .The house chores can make a woman's life miserable which will in turn make yours too.

omaigala:
I think this idea is stupid.

If you must listen to someone whom you respect before you love and cherish your husband or wife, then there's no need.

What if the person died?

Who told you that divorce is not allowed?

What do you mean by "step up your sacrifice for your spouse"? Did you read at the post at all?

How nauseating this is.

@OP

Please don't heed to devilish advises like this.
They are from the pit of hell aimed at destroying you and your destiny.

I am begging you op, in the name of whatever you believe in, please divorce and have your peace.

Please start to live again instead of just existing.

mind you I was speaking from a Christian point of view.
You're are suggesting divorce....the question is what are the requirements for and after divorce in scripture...
Marriage is a choice that no one pushes you into...not even God....once you've made the choice, you enjoy the consequences or you divorce and remain unmarried

Anonymus010:
I Need The Advice Of Experienced Married Men

NB: This is not my real account, I created this account for the purpose of this issue.

Please, I need the advice of married people (especially married men). I will make the story as simple as possible and I promise not to compromise the truth to favour me in this issue.

Brief Introduction: I am a man in my late 20's. Got married last year and currently have a 3month baby.

Brief history of my relationship prior to marriage: I dated my wife for 4years before we finally tied the knot last year. I met her in the university, we were classmate in school.

Before I started dating my wife, I was dating a girl in the same class but we both agreed to separate after 1year because we were age mate and she was keen on getting married immediately after graduation which I knew I will not be ready for marriage by then (Note: No sex in the relationship, She was a virgin and because I couldn't assure her of marriage, I didn't sex her).

After the break up with my ex, I became close to my wife and we started dating. She was self sufficient as she had a source of income while in school, she supports me, gives me money, cooks and buy me food etc. She was the best woman any man can think of. I fell in love along the line and decided this is the right lady to marry.

Note: There were several backlashes from other classmates insinuating she snatched me from my ex but we scaled through all that. We dated for 2more years in school and we graduated. We dated for another 2more years post school till last year.

Brief history immediately before marriage: Everything was fine till my wife's birthday last year. I did tripple shifts at work(48hrs work non-stop) and came back a night before her birthday and slept off. I woke up 2:30am to wish her happy birthday. She got angry and told me I didnt put her in mind and that I was not the first person to wish her happy birthday (She later told me her ex wished her first at exactly 12am). I apologised to her and told her the reason I missed the time. I had just 10k, gave her 5k to do a birthday photoshoot, used about 3k to buy her goodies as salary has not been paid.

Fast forward to after 1week of the birthday, she came up with serious issue, saying she wanted a break but not total break-up for some months to put herself together. She lamented she was not getting anything from the relationship, I don't usually take her out, I didnt celebrate her birthday well for her, I didnt buy cake, I didnt buy gift etc. I apologised and pleaded with her to be patient as we had big projects before us (wedding, masters degree and family apartment) which she knew I was saving for. We settled it and had sex. After 7days, I saw a call log on her phone where she had a conversation with her ex for almost an hour between 11pm and 12am. After 1month, she missed her menses and was pregnant. I asked her if she ever saw her ex, she cried and swore that she didn't (Note: I trusted her because she is modest and she is not the sex type). So, I agreed, accepted the preg, quickly arranged an impromptu wedding, I quickly sourced for money, spent over N2million on the wedding......

THE PROBLEM:

2weeks after the weeding, my wife started abusing my family especially my mum, telling me she hated how my family behaved during the wedding. I pleaded with her not to allow this to affect our home. The insults and abuse became perpetual. My wife works from home and will give me several reasons why she cannot cook after giving her money for food stuffs once I collect salary. Its just 2 of us living in a mini flat & I wash my clothes myself, but she will give me thousands of reasons how the non-existent house shores prevent her from cooking.

After 9months, she gave birth, I asked her who she wanted to come do omugo with the baby between her mum and my mum. She opted for my mum (claimed her mum will be giving her problem). Not up to 1week that my mum came over, she has started complaining about everything she does. Despite the fact that this woman will wake up 5am, wash everybody's clothes, bath the baby but she doesnt cook. My wife started complaining about her being obligated to cook every morning because of my mum's presence(Note: she doesnt cook in the morning, if I am going to work by 8am, I will either warm a left over previous night's food or source for food outside). When the complain was becoming overwhelming to the point of her almost insulting my mum in my presence, I told her I will tell my mum to go back to her house( my mum lives in a mini flat too with my dad, so they are very comfortable). She said I shouldn't. After 1 month, my mum left. The abuse, insults and complain continued. She will nag about how my mum did when she was with us, abuse and insults my family. I will appeal to her and defend my family. My wife became complete opposite of who she was when we were dating.

The real issue at hand: We would be migrating to the US soon. Lately, I can't control my wife, anytime I don't buy her idea or wish, she will rain insults on me. Just 3days ago, she told me I don't have sense repeatedly just because she said we should go and greet her mum's pastor which I told her not now but we can go later. If I tell her to do something, she will do otherwise and give me thousand of reasons she can't do it. 2months ago, I reported all her attitudes to her mum, her mum talked to her but no change, she is getting worse. Last week, I did 24hours at work, I got home, my wife didn't cook. I got into the kitchen, made custard and placed the soup on the gas cooker. We were both in the living room. She perceived the soup was getting burnt and insulted me, telling me it was because I was not the one that dropped money for the soup, thats why I wanted to burn it (She cooked the soup with her money because my salary was delayed). She insults me at will, gives me no respect and treat me as trash.(Note: I had never cheated on her and she doesn't doubt my fidelity. Likewise, I had never suspected her of such too).

I am currently scared because I know US is women's world because I have included her and the kid as my dependents in my green card petition. I am scared for my life and career because she could go worse in the US and destroy all I have laboured for.

Please kindly advise me on what I can do to change her.

Sorry for the long write up and any grammatical errors.

You're still her sponsor for the green card so you can delay her travel. I'm sorry to confirm that it will only get worse when you move here. Have a one on one chat with her, try to understand her issues. If she can't change, I will advise you to leave her behind. I was with a naija boy last night that is a terrible marriage and spent the whole night complaining.

Here your wife can have you thrown out of your own home with one phone call. Don't be the source of your own down fall.

PS: Advice, do a DNA test on your child

Guy you fuckup.

I get married and still be the one preparing my meal.
Why would a girl still have a hold of her ex number after 4 years in a new relationship. I will rather be a harsh BF than a foolish one.

You failed to put your foot down as a man, I don't think you would be able to change her anymore. Women they easily get spoilt, don't pet them too much. Is good to be nice and romantic make una use sense.

Advise: She should stay back, make sure that's your kid(DNA)

The greatest mistake u will do is by taking her to the US.

AwkaetitiBabe:
I don't understand. Do u think it's all ladies that will desert their husband when the d states?

Definitely not all..but I will think 40-45%...most likely if she is from the east..Based on confirmed facts in Atlanta

bezimo:
Definitely not all..but I will think 40-45%...most likely if she is from the east..Based on confirmed facts in Atlanta

I have relatives to married and relocated to the states and they are all still together.

IAmTobore:
Fowl wey dey sleep rooftop for Nigeria, if carry am reach America na rooftop e go still sleep!

.

Haha, I know,
That's why I said his patience must be like that of Moses leading over a grumbling nation.
Cheers

Adewunmibaba:
@bolded... u restrict ur siblings from coming to live with you, but it’s cool to let the wife sibling lives with u... is the wife siblings more important?

lol... Musa Don suffer for life