₦airaland Forum

kentycom:
Am a psychologist, I took time to read your post concerning your wife and all the activities involved before the wedding and after the wedding.

My brother your wife loves you, but at some points you are not doing the right thing by frowning or getting annoyed at some of her wrong actions.

Getting annoyed or frowning at a particular situation is good, but please during this, you don't beat her, or say some things that will cause havoc in your marriage, you are only reminding her that you are the head of the family. Please note, you only do this when you are sure she is wrong, please if you are not sure, don't try it all.

If you recalled, before now she was still communicating with her ex, whether you believe it or not, the flames of that love is still with her. Not wishing her a happy birthday on the dot 12 was to prove a point to her that, you no longer care for her. You never can tell what the ex discussing with her. But mind you, she is your wife. Women tends to respond to words more than what the see.

What am about to tell you, if you can't do it, you wouldn't be able to save your marriage.
On a cool evening, take note that she free and alone, kneel down and hold her hand, begin to tell her that, she is always in your mind, my brother you know the sweet words to say. Note this: if she tells you to stand and she hugs you, brother your workings will not be tedious, else my brother you have a big work to do.

But if there is green light, you just don't stop there, begin to give her more attention, even if you are in office call her like two times before you come back home. When you come whether she cook or not, ignore it, find your food and go play with her, don't give her space at all. My brother she will start thinking about you by force.

Talk to her still she forget about that her ex, my brother you don't talk to her about her ex, this is very important!! she will be the one to remind her ex that she is married.

At the end you are the winner.. Try this and thank me later..

For me l think you should first do a paternity test for the child. The results will indicate the decisions to take next.

You already suspect your wife on many fronts, that needs to be confirmed. There is no smoke without fire.

The advise above by the psychologist, l do not agree it is the way to go. In a marriage a man deserves as much love that the woman wants showered on her. All this talk of women are moved more by words than what you do, l do not agree. Frankly if she is seeing someone else and then you go on your knees, you would have shot yourself in the foot, as it will be counter productive. That would show incapacity and weakness in comparison to your competition.

From your narrative you are a struggling young man, and l do not know how you compare with her ex on the financial scale that could also be a determinant in this equation...you mentioned burning of food which you did not pay for, that goes further to support my assertion...

It would have been nice to have more in-depth to be able to properly advise...

GrabHisBalls:
Abeg, make e no cut. I personally don't see it as a thing of pride 'cause people take advantage of that.

Lol,some people will....I won't

whirlwind7:
That you are STILL seeking advice after all the extremely obvious red flags shows you don't have a mind of your own.
Only thing I can tell you is to confirm the paternity of that child.
As for your wife, weak minded men such as you deserve people like her. She is your reward. Do take her to US.

This OP has been puss y whipped
His wife toto dey over sweet am and he cannot reason straight anymore. Make una leave am alone, some magas are born to be magas, even if you show him the future in VAR, he won't listen to advise as long as he is reasoning with his di ck. Yeye fowl when the wife dump his as 's in the US and maybe give him a domestic violence record. And get him locked up in jail and lose everything he labored for to his evil wife, him eyes go clear

AwkaetitiBabe:
I have relatives to married and relocated to the states and they are all still together.

They are in the remaining 60% Tthat have stable marragies

bezimo:
They are in the remaining 60% Tthat have stable marragies

OK.

Anonymus010:
I Need The Advice Of Experienced Married Men

NB: This is not my real account, I created this account for the purpose of this issue.

Please, I need the advice of married people (especially married men). I will make the story as simple as possible and I promise not to compromise the truth to favour me in this issue.

Brief Introduction: I am a man in my late 20's. Got married last year and currently have a 3month baby.

Brief history of my relationship prior to marriage: I dated my wife for 4years before we finally tied the knot last year. I met her in the university, we were classmate in school.

Before I started dating my wife, I was dating a girl in the same class but we both agreed to separate after 1year because we were age mate and she was keen on getting married immediately after graduation which I knew I will not be ready for marriage by then (Note: No sex in the relationship, She was a virgin and because I couldn't assure her of marriage, I didn't sex her).

After the break up with my ex, I became close to my wife and we started dating. She was self sufficient as she had a source of income while in school, she supports me, gives me money, cooks and buy me food etc. She was the best woman any man can think of. I fell in love along the line and decided this is the right lady to marry.

Note: There were several backlashes from other classmates insinuating she snatched me from my ex but we scaled through all that. We dated for 2more years in school and we graduated. We dated for another 2more years post school till last year.

Brief history immediately before marriage: Everything was fine till my wife's birthday last year. I did tripple shifts at work(48hrs work non-stop) and came back a night before her birthday and slept off. I woke up 2:30am to wish her happy birthday. She got angry and told me I didnt put her in mind and that I was not the first person to wish her happy birthday (She later told me her ex wished her first at exactly 12am). I apologised to her and told her the reason I missed the time. I had just 10k, gave her 5k to do a birthday photoshoot, used about 3k to buy her goodies as salary has not been paid.

Fast forward to after 1week of the birthday, she came up with serious issue, saying she wanted a break but not total break-up for some months to put herself together. She lamented she was not getting anything from the relationship, I don't usually take her out, I didnt celebrate her birthday well for her, I didnt buy cake, I didnt buy gift etc. I apologised and pleaded with her to be patient as we had big projects before us (wedding, masters degree and family apartment) which she knew I was saving for. We settled it and had sex. After 7days, I saw a call log on her phone where she had a conversation with her ex for almost an hour between 11pm and 12am. After 1month, she missed her menses and was pregnant. I asked her if she ever saw her ex, she cried and swore that she didn't (Note: I trusted her because she is modest and she is not the sex type). So, I agreed, accepted the preg, quickly arranged an impromptu wedding, I quickly sourced for money, spent over N2million on the wedding......

THE PROBLEM:

2weeks after the weeding, my wife started abusing my family especially my mum, telling me she hated how my family behaved during the wedding. I pleaded with her not to allow this to affect our home. The insults and abuse became perpetual. My wife works from home and will give me several reasons why she cannot cook after giving her money for food stuffs once I collect salary. Its just 2 of us living in a mini flat & I wash my clothes myself, but she will give me thousands of reasons how the non-existent house shores prevent her from cooking.

After 9months, she gave birth, I asked her who she wanted to come do omugo with the baby between her mum and my mum. She opted for my mum (claimed her mum will be giving her problem). Not up to 1week that my mum came over, she has started complaining about everything she does. Despite the fact that this woman will wake up 5am, wash everybody's clothes, bath the baby but she doesnt cook. My wife started complaining about her being obligated to cook every morning because of my mum's presence(Note: she doesnt cook in the morning, if I am going to work by 8am, I will either warm a left over previous night's food or source for food outside). When the complain was becoming overwhelming to the point of her almost insulting my mum in my presence, I told her I will tell my mum to go back to her house( my mum lives in a mini flat too with my dad, so they are very comfortable). She said I shouldn't. After 1 month, my mum left. The abuse, insults and complain continued. She will nag about how my mum did when she was with us, abuse and insults my family. I will appeal to her and defend my family. My wife became complete opposite of who she was when we were dating.

The real issue at hand: We would be migrating to the US soon. Lately, I can't control my wife, anytime I don't buy her idea or wish, she will rain insults on me. Just 3days ago, she told me I don't have sense repeatedly just because she said we should go and greet her mum's pastor which I told her not now but we can go later. If I tell her to do something, she will do otherwise and give me thousand of reasons she can't do it. 2months ago, I reported all her attitudes to her mum, her mum talked to her but no change, she is getting worse. Last week, I did 24hours at work, I got home, my wife didn't cook. I got into the kitchen, made custard and placed the soup on the gas cooker. We were both in the living room. She perceived the soup was getting burnt and insulted me, telling me it was because I was not the one that dropped money for the soup, thats why I wanted to burn it (She cooked the soup with her money because my salary was delayed). She insults me at will, gives me no respect and treat me as trash.(Note: I had never cheated on her and she doesn't doubt my fidelity. Likewise, I had never suspected her of such too).

I am currently scared because I know US is women's world because I have included her and the kid as my dependents in my green card petition. I am scared for my life and career because she could go worse in the US and destroy all I have laboured for.

Please kindly advise me on what I can do to change her.

Sorry for the long write up and any grammatical errors.

When a girl is good at doing one or two things when she is single doesn't mean she will be same when she gets married... cos boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is entirely different from marriage..and most percentage of the world still don't understand it..that is why u see many marriages failing a the end..
2ndly, she is not ready for the marriage and she is not mentally and psychologically ready for it..and to settle down.. cos if she is..she will leave the past and won't have anything dealing with her ex...cos if she is ready and loves you for whom you are..she will cut of any kind of implicating things with her ex or any of her bad attitude female friends and tell herself that she is going into a new forever living...and if she does that..the next step is understanding and patience with focus n plans with u to build it with you..so she still has the mindset of flirting n bf/gf issues..

3rdly...she set a trap for u by nagging n made u have sex with her..meanwhile she had already had sex with her ex.so u are now involved.. but mere looking bat that.. go and do DNA test..cos u fell for the trap which will convince u that u sexed her...

4th...dem no born any woman well wey go dare insult me,not to talk of my siblings or even atol talking of mumsi/popsi...

5th...you are too weak..so its better u go ur own and she goes her own..go and look for another good girl..

luminouz:
Lol,some people will....I won't

All demons come as gentlemen.

IAmTobore:
Some girls can be stupid.

Especially the ones who thinks they can start misbehaving after marriage/babies.

GrabHisBalls:
All demons come as gentlemen.

Maybe...but I'm alien,big difference

luminouz:
Maybe...but I'm alien,big difference

Being an alien is the more reason why I should run far away from you.

Best advice so far

GrabHisBalls:
Being an alien is the more reason why I should run far away from you.

Lmaoooo.....
Don't u dare run away
Babe,'come closer' cuz you 'blow my mind'

Your moniker still cracks me up anytime I see it on any thread.

If you see this pls call me I want to talk to you. You can hide ur number do u will remain anonymous. My number is in my signature.

A picture tells a thousand stories they say, bro the picture your wife is showing you is crystal clear. I've gone through a few of the responses and advises and you are fortunate to get that from this forum. Do your DNA test and ascertain the paternity of the child, but as for going to the US shelve completely the idea of taking that woman with you as you go just die within months of going with her. Using a Birthday slip is simply not an excuse enough to warrant the kind of hell this woman is giving you and your family. Something is terribly wrong somewhere and she's not opening up to you about it.

I have been fortunate to see ahead in 2 of my former relationships and I did a Usain Bolt from both and got me an Angelic wife who is spoiling me with love today. It is not too late to run away but first try to let your wife know that this her attitude can not continue if she still value the marriage, only problem is now that she knows about plans for US migration she might start pretending just so you can take her there first before she'll return to her Jezebel character and ruin you completely.

Brother if you are a Christian now is the time to do aggressive prayers and fasting so God will reveal to you the right steps and decisions to make, I prayed hard and God helped me out of two potentially disastrous partners and because God answered my prayers I have the best wife in the world today. So seek divine intervention concerning this very important matter of life and God will help you out either by making find ways of resolving it or freeing you from this suicide mission glaring you in the face.

Logobenz2:
Woman insult your family in your presence you no jam am till she collapse
Bros you dey fall hand o
Please no one should advise this kind of weak man.spits!
Who wouldn't know what to do at this point?some people dey born sha
Just look at someone's son.e be like na pap den use raise you.
Your mom comes to your own house and your wife not only mistreated her but tried to insult her in your presence?you know why?she knows you are a weak man.
That was your golden opportunity to teach her a bitter lesson that will be justified anywhere in Nigeria.
I wonder what she will do to you if you take her to the US.
Better cancel all plans of that visa,withdraw the application,divorce that woman whether the child is yours or Not,do not care!just be sending upkeep money for the child and get yourself another woman.
Jesus Christ!

You don't have to use Jesus Christ in an exclamation. There are exclamatory words you can use, such as "oh my goodness" "oh my" "goodness gracious" etc. Do not use the name of the Lord in vain. The Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain. EXODUS 20 :7

Inside Life..

smasher1:
Lies. Tell us what changed you. It maybe age or reality dawning on you. Don't mention that Nigeria is hell. Let's know the truth of what changed you.

You cannot understand na.

The little things make you go crazy. No light, call Oga to buy fuel for Gen, no water, call mai ruwa to bring water, switch of gen and midnight and deal with mosquitoes , I was frustrated.. children having malaria up and down, I had no house help, the only reason I was in Nigeria was because of my husband and I blamed him for being miserable. The moment we left, I became less miserable and was able to love him without the frustration

She received a BOOTY CALL from her EX (of 4 yrs)on her birthday & dat didnt Ring any alarm?

2. She requested for ur Mom for Omuguo & eventually complained about evrything she dis & ur first thot was to send ur Mom away?

3. She supported u thru sch & then a few weeks to ur wedding, she started complaining about ur financial insufficiency despite d fact dat u were saving for d wedding & a new accommodation.

4. As a result of her pregnancy, u both decided to get married.

Well, it's very options dat u r at d received end of d relationship. She dominate & controls d relationship while u r always apologetic & giving in to her.

Dez really nothing u can do about d situation anymore. It's already too late for u to impose ur ur dominance as d man of d house. But u need to hav a DNA test on d child to ascertain he's biologically urs..dis is not a matta if trust, it's a matta of establisheth d facts & for ur peace of mind.
As for ur relocating to d US, u just mite be putting d nails to d coffin of d marriage...

sapientia:
OP, this is must be your wife.

Eluwilussit:
Great advice, and I totally agree with you. The only thing is that you didn’t factor in the “ex-factor”. Why is she comparing him with her ex? Why is she upset with his mom? Is she the only one in Naija.

You turned out good. I am happy for you. Nevertheless, there’s no guarantee that this one will end in praise, as we like to say in Naija. You are blessed with an angel as a husband.

I personally don't want to believe she got down with her ex. It is a mere allegation, not substantiated by fact, he did not 'caught' her

Anyways, it is only normal for people to go through that phase, missing your ex. Him without sin cast the first stone. Can he prove he has not made contact with his ex? Does that mean he went ahead to sleep with them? . Personally all my exes were bastards, nothing to miss! Lolz! Until he has proof that she slept with her ex, it is just his anger speaking.

Anonymus010:
I Need The Advice Of Experienced Married Men

NB: This is not my real account, I created this account for the purpose of this issue.

Please, I need the advice of married people (especially married men). I will make the story as simple as possible and I promise not to compromise the truth to favour me in this issue.

Brief Introduction: I am a man in my late 20's. Got married last year and currently have a 3month baby.

Brief history of my relationship prior to marriage: I dated my wife for 4years before we finally tied the knot last year. I met her in the university, we were classmate in school.

Before I started dating my wife, I was dating a girl in the same class but we both agreed to separate after 1year because we were age mate and she was keen on getting married immediately after graduation which I knew I will not be ready for marriage by then (Note: No sex in the relationship, She was a virgin and because I couldn't assure her of marriage, I didn't sex her).

After the break up with my ex, I became close to my wife and we started dating. She was self sufficient as she had a source of income while in school, she supports me, gives me money, cooks and buy me food etc. She was the best woman any man can think of. I fell in love along the line and decided this is the right lady to marry.

Note: There were several backlashes from other classmates insinuating she snatched me from my ex but we scaled through all that. We dated for 2more years in school and we graduated. We dated for another 2more years post school till last year.

Brief history immediately before marriage: Everything was fine till my wife's birthday last year. I did tripple shifts at work(48hrs work non-stop) and came back a night before her birthday and slept off. I woke up 2:30am to wish her happy birthday. She got angry and told me I didnt put her in mind and that I was not the first person to wish her happy birthday (She later told me her ex wished her first at exactly 12am). I apologised to her and told her the reason I missed the time. I had just 10k, gave her 5k to do a birthday photoshoot, used about 3k to buy her goodies as salary has not been paid.

Fast forward to after 1week of the birthday, she came up with serious issue, saying she wanted a break but not total break-up for some months to put herself together. She lamented she was not getting anything from the relationship, I don't usually take her out, I didnt celebrate her birthday well for her, I didnt buy cake, I didnt buy gift etc. I apologised and pleaded with her to be patient as we had big projects before us (wedding, masters degree and family apartment) which she knew I was saving for. We settled it and had sex. After 7days, I saw a call log on her phone where she had a conversation with her ex for almost an hour between 11pm and 12am. After 1month, she missed her menses and was pregnant. I asked her if she ever saw her ex, she cried and swore that she didn't (Note: I trusted her because she is modest and she is not the sex type). So, I agreed, accepted the preg, quickly arranged an impromptu wedding, I quickly sourced for money, spent over N2million on the wedding......

THE PROBLEM:

2weeks after the weeding, my wife started abusing my family especially my mum, telling me she hated how my family behaved during the wedding. I pleaded with her not to allow this to affect our home. The insults and abuse became perpetual. My wife works from home and will give me several reasons why she cannot cook after giving her money for food stuffs once I collect salary. Its just 2 of us living in a mini flat & I wash my clothes myself, but she will give me thousands of reasons how the non-existent house shores prevent her from cooking.

After 9months, she gave birth, I asked her who she wanted to come do omugo with the baby between her mum and my mum. She opted for my mum (claimed her mum will be giving her problem). Not up to 1week that my mum came over, she has started complaining about everything she does. Despite the fact that this woman will wake up 5am, wash everybody's clothes, bath the baby but she doesnt cook. My wife started complaining about her being obligated to cook every morning because of my mum's presence(Note: she doesnt cook in the morning, if I am going to work by 8am, I will either warm a left over previous night's food or source for food outside). When the complain was becoming overwhelming to the point of her almost insulting my mum in my presence, I told her I will tell my mum to go back to her house( my mum lives in a mini flat too with my dad, so they are very comfortable). She said I shouldn't. After 1 month, my mum left. The abuse, insults and complain continued. She will nag about how my mum did when she was with us, abuse and insults my family. I will appeal to her and defend my family. My wife became complete opposite of who she was when we were dating.

The real issue at hand: We would be migrating to the US soon. Lately, I can't control my wife, anytime I don't buy her idea or wish, she will rain insults on me. Just 3days ago, she told me I don't have sense repeatedly just because she said we should go and greet her mum's pastor which I told her not now but we can go later. If I tell her to do something, she will do otherwise and give me thousand of reasons she can't do it. 2months ago, I reported all her attitudes to her mum, her mum talked to her but no change, she is getting worse. Last week, I did 24hours at work, I got home, my wife didn't cook. I got into the kitchen, made custard and placed the soup on the gas cooker. We were both in the living room. She perceived the soup was getting burnt and insulted me, telling me it was because I was not the one that dropped money for the soup, thats why I wanted to burn it (She cooked the soup with her money because my salary was delayed). She insults me at will, gives me no respect and treat me as trash.(Note: I had never cheated on her and she doesn't doubt my fidelity. Likewise, I had never suspected her of such too).

I am currently scared because I know US is women's world because I have included her and the kid as my dependents in my green card petition. I am scared for my life and career because she could go worse in the US and destroy all I have laboured for.

Please kindly advise me on what I can do to change her.

Sorry for the long write up and any grammatical errors.

stupid man marry better girl no it's the worst ones u find marry while good girls like us the wait anyway it's ur choice

Formidable1:
On the contrary, I have a different advice: if you leave her for the USA, your marriage is done and dusted.

Many are advising you to ditch her, do a DNA test, don't go to the USA with her, etc. But I'll only tell you one thing: love her even more.

You're already married to her and what more? You have a child. I've always advised couples whose marriages are on the brink to work it out for the sake of their children. Trouble-laden marriages often have a ripple effect on the children; they grow up to have less honor for the sanctity of marriage, and they in turn start having problems too, spreading it to their own children and it spreads down to the next generations. The outcome?

I don't usually delve into issues like this without hearing from the other party. You can never get the full behind-the-scene story from one person. However, from all you've written in your post, OP, I failed to see the efforts you made to find out why your wife suddenly became aggressive to you. I doubt it's merely about the birthday as most people are suggesting. Have you tried to sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her? Have you tried to find out what it is that you do that makes her despise you? For all I know, you may have changed as well. You may no longer be the man she used to know. You may have stopped showering the love you used to shower her when you were still dating her.

I'm married for 6 years now with kids and I dated my wife for 5 years before we finally got married. I can tell you that marriage isn't a bed of roses. It takes two to tango. My wife on certain occasions have been angry or aggressive with me, but each time she did that, we talked and most times I looked inwards and understood that I was falling short in a way. And the only solution to that has always been to assure her of my love by giving her more attention, affection and care.

Nobody is perfect, and I'm not saying your wife is without a fault. But if you really want your marriage to work, you have to look inwards and ask yourself what you've been doing when you guys were crazily in love that you've stopped doing. You said you could work for 48 hrs straight without coming home; I'll be frank, no wife can cope with that. And then when you come home, what do you do? You start demanding for food? No, bro...what you do is to consider first how lonely she's been and the lack of attention, and try to make up for that. Play with her, tell her sweet things. In fact, once in a while, take her out for a treat, buy her some nice things on your way home after such long shifts. Show her that she may be lonely, but she's not alone. Make her understand that your absence/work is a necessity in order to give her a comfortable life, and assure her of a better future where you'd find a better source of income without having to absent from home.

The truth is that women would always crave attention and that feeling of being cared for, and believe me they could go anywhere to find it. It is how they're biologically wired, and we the men have to understand it to that extent. If you don't give your wife attention and care, she'd seek it elsewhere, including from an ex. Now, I'm not saying she's doing the right thing, but once a woman starts comparing you with her ex, it means you've started falling short and you need to up your game. It's usually hard to move on from a past relationship, esp one that didn't break up in bad terms, but with the right amount of care and love from a partner, one can get over it. If you dare leave her behind for the USA, you can kiss your marriage goodbye. It'd just give her the conclusive reason to go full time with her ex. In fact, going to the USA will give her the focus she needs to be with you. You guys will be far from the depression that comes with living in this country.

From your post, I observed that you're kind of saving your money for the 'bigger things' while she's the one providing the money for feeding. She may feel like you're using her. How about making an arrangement with her in such a way that there is a balance in the finances. You have to be the man now by providing more money than she does for expenses. At least, 65/35 would do. It's no longer back then in school when she used to give you money, and cater for you. You're now the head of your family, and if you're earning more than she does, you should provide more than she does.

As for the issue of insulting your mum, talk with her. Find out the reasons behind her disregard for your family. Forgive her and give her more chance. With love, all things are possible.

Please, and please, don't ever entertain the notion of doing a DNA test. Whether positive or negative, it'd do you no good. I'd bet with my last dime that that child is yours. Your wife doesn't seem to me like that kind of woman people are suggesting she is. Your post also shows that you believe in her faithfulness and fidelity. She's just probably frustrated with many things she's not getting from the marriage.

My advice is already taking up a page. But I'd stop here. I'd just ask you to:

1. Look inwards into yourself and find out what you've started doing or stopped doing that has made her change.

2. If you still really want your marriage to work, then work on it, at least for the sake of your little child.

3. Show more love, play with your wife, try to do those things you know got her attracted to you. Always forgive readily.

I wish you a happy married life, bro. May God bless your home.

Oga, has your wife ever insulted any of your parents?
And is she still in touch with her ex? Or gone as far as comparing the two of you because of birthday ish?
Has your wife for 'any' reason beside health and absenteeism stopped cooking for you?

That love dies the moment you insult my mom o!

Formidable1:
On the contrary, I have a different advice: if you leave her for the USA, your marriage is done and dusted.

Many are advising you to ditch her, do a DNA test, don't go to the USA with her, etc. But I'll only tell you one thing: love her even more.

You're already married to her and what more? You have a child. I've always advised couples whose marriages are on the brink to work it out for the sake of their children. Trouble-laden marriages often have a ripple effect on the children; they grow up to have less honor for the sanctity of marriage, and they in turn start having problems too, spreading it to their own children and it spreads down to the next generations. The outcome?

I don't usually delve into issues like this without hearing from the other party. You can never get the full behind-the-scene story from one person. However, from all you've written in your post, OP, I failed to see the efforts you made to find out why your wife suddenly became aggressive to you. I doubt it's merely about the birthday as most people are suggesting. Have you tried to sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her? Have you tried to find out what it is that you do that makes her despise you? For all I know, you may have changed as well. You may no longer be the man she used to know. You may have stopped showering the love you used to shower her when you were still dating her.

I'm married for 6 years now with kids and I dated my wife for 5 years before we finally got married. I can tell you that marriage isn't a bed of roses. It takes two to tango. My wife on certain occasions have been angry or aggressive with me, but each time she did that, we talked and most times I looked inwards and understood that I was falling short in a way. And the only solution to that has always been to assure her of my love by giving her more attention, affection and care.

Nobody is perfect, and I'm not saying your wife is without a fault. But if you really want your marriage to work, you have to look inwards and ask yourself what you've been doing when you guys were crazily in love that you've stopped doing. You said you could work for 48 hrs straight without coming home; I'll be frank, no wife can cope with that. And then when you come home, what do you do? You start demanding for food? No, bro...what you do is to consider first how lonely she's been and the lack of attention, and try to make up for that. Play with her, tell her sweet things. In fact, once in a while, take her out for a treat, buy her some nice things on your way home after such long shifts. Show her that she may be lonely, but she's not alone. Make her understand that your absence/work is a necessity in order to give her a comfortable life, and assure her of a better future where you'd find a better source of income without having to absent from home.

The truth is that women would always crave attention and that feeling of being cared for, and believe me they could go anywhere to find it. It is how they're biologically wired, and we the men have to understand it to that extent. If you don't give your wife attention and care, she'd seek it elsewhere, including from an ex. Now, I'm not saying she's doing the right thing, but once a woman starts comparing you with her ex, it means you've started falling short and you need to up your game. It's usually hard to move on from a past relationship, esp one that didn't break up in bad terms, but with the right amount of care and love from a partner, one can get over it. If you dare leave her behind for the USA, you can kiss your marriage goodbye. It'd just give her the conclusive reason to go full time with her ex. In fact, going to the USA will give her the focus she needs to be with you. You guys will be far from the depression that comes with living in this country.

From your post, I observed that you're kind of saving your money for the 'bigger things' while she's the one providing the money for feeding. She may feel like you're using her. How about making an arrangement with her in such a way that there is a balance in the finances. You have to be the man now by providing more money than she does for expenses. At least, 65/35 would do. It's no longer back then in school when she used to give you money, and cater for you. You're now the head of your family, and if you're earning more than she does, you should provide more than she does.

As for the issue of insulting your mum, talk with her. Find out the reasons behind her disregard for your family. Forgive her and give her more chance. With love, all things are possible.

Please, and please, don't ever entertain the notion of doing a DNA test. Whether positive or negative, it'd do you no good. I'd bet with my last dime that that child is yours. Your wife doesn't seem to me like that kind of woman people are suggesting she is. Your post also shows that you believe in her faithfulness and fidelity. She's just probably frustrated with many things she's not getting from the marriage.

My advice is already taking up a page. But I'd stop here. I'd just ask you to:

1. Look inwards into yourself and find out what you've started doing or stopped doing that has made her change.

2. If you still really want your marriage to work, then work on it, at least for the sake of your little child.

3. Show more love, play with your wife, try to do those things you know got her attracted to you. Always forgive readily.

I wish you a happy married life, bro. May God bless your home.

Thank you so much. I will implement your advice. God bless you

luminouz:
Lmaoooo.....
Don't u dare run away
Babe,'come closer' cuz you 'blow my mind'

Your moniker still cracks me up anytime I see it on any thread.

It's a good thing it cracks you up.

BlackPantherCri:
I personally don't want to believe she got down with her ex. It is a mere allegation, not substantiated by fact, he did not 'caught' her

Anyways, it is only normal for people to go through that phase, missing your ex. Him without sin cast the first stone. Can he prove he has not made contact with his ex? Does that mean he went ahead to sleep with them? . Personally all my exes were bastards, nothing to miss! Lolz! Until he has proof that she slept with her ex, it is just his anger speaking.

That his wife's ex was the first to wish her hbd ahead of him. The ex for whatever reason was reaching out to a married woman in her matrimonial home at 12am to wish her hbd!! Do you do that?

Formidable1:
On the contrary, I have a different advice: if you leave her for the USA, your marriage is done and dusted.

Many are advising you to ditch her, do a DNA test, don't go to the USA with her, etc. But I'll only tell you one thing: love her even more.

You're already married to her and what more? You have a child. I've always advised couples whose marriages are on the brink to work it out for the sake of their children. Trouble-laden marriages often have a ripple effect on the children; they grow up to have less honor for the sanctity of marriage, and they in turn start having problems too, spreading it to their own children and it spreads down to the next generations. The outcome?

I don't usually delve into issues like this without hearing from the other party. You can never get the full behind-the-scene story from one person. However, from all you've written in your post, OP, I failed to see the efforts you made to find out why your wife suddenly became aggressive to you. I doubt it's merely about the birthday as most people are suggesting. Have you tried to sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her? Have you tried to find out what it is that you do that makes her despise you? For all I know, you may have changed as well. You may no longer be the man she used to know. You may have stopped showering the love you used to shower her when you were still dating her.

I'm married for 6 years now with kids and I dated my wife for 5 years before we finally got married. I can tell you that marriage isn't a bed of roses. It takes two to tango. My wife on certain occasions have been angry or aggressive with me, but each time she did that, we talked and most times I looked inwards and understood that I was falling short in a way. And the only solution to that has always been to assure her of my love by giving her more attention, affection and care.

Nobody is perfect, and I'm not saying your wife is without a fault. But if you really want your marriage to work, you have to look inwards and ask yourself what you've been doing when you guys were crazily in love that you've stopped doing. You said you could work for 48 hrs straight without coming home; I'll be frank, no wife can cope with that. And then when you come home, what do you do? You start demanding for food? No, bro...what you do is to consider first how lonely she's been and the lack of attention, and try to make up for that. Play with her, tell her sweet things. In fact, once in a while, take her out for a treat, buy her some nice things on your way home after such long shifts. Show her that she may be lonely, but she's not alone. Make her understand that your absence/work is a necessity in order to give her a comfortable life, and assure her of a better future where you'd find a better source of income without having to absent from home.

The truth is that women would always crave attention and that feeling of being cared for, and believe me they could go anywhere to find it. It is how they're biologically wired, and we the men have to understand it to that extent. If you don't give your wife attention and care, she'd seek it elsewhere, including from an ex. Now, I'm not saying she's doing the right thing, but once a woman starts comparing you with her ex, it means you've started falling short and you need to up your game. It's usually hard to move on from a past relationship, esp one that didn't break up in bad terms, but with the right amount of care and love from a partner, one can get over it. If you dare leave her behind for the USA, you can kiss your marriage goodbye. It'd just give her the conclusive reason to go full time with her ex. In fact, going to the USA will give her the focus she needs to be with you. You guys will be far from the depression that comes with living in this country.

From your post, I observed that you're kind of saving your money for the 'bigger things' while she's the one providing the money for feeding. She may feel like you're using her. How about making an arrangement with her in such a way that there is a balance in the finances. You have to be the man now by providing more money than she does for expenses. At least, 65/35 would do. It's no longer back then in school when she used to give you money, and cater for you. You're now the head of your family, and if you're earning more than she does, you should provide more than she does.

As for the issue of insulting your mum, talk with her. Find out the reasons behind her disregard for your family. Forgive her and give her more chance. With love, all things are possible.

Please, and please, don't ever entertain the notion of doing a DNA test. Whether positive or negative, it'd do you no good. I'd bet with my last dime that that child is yours. Your wife doesn't seem to me like that kind of woman people are suggesting she is. Your post also shows that you believe in her faithfulness and fidelity. She's just probably frustrated with many things she's not getting from the marriage.

My advice is already taking up a page. But I'd stop here. I'd just ask you to:

1. Look inwards into yourself and find out what you've started doing or stopped doing that has made her change.

2. If you still really want your marriage to work, then work on it, at least for the sake of your little child.

3. Show more love, play with your wife, try to do those things you know got her attracted to you. Always forgive readily.

I wish you a happy married life, bro. May God bless your home.

Just wow! You really sounded like a married man. Best advise for me.

Anonymus010:
Thank you so much. I will implement your advice. God bless you

I'm really impressed with the way Formidable1 analysed the OP's matter objectively, unlike the people up there wey their blood dey hot. I'm glad the op said her will implement. I pray God to heal your union. Formidable1 has painstakingly analyse the matter from your school days to after marriage and I go with his points. If you use the punch lists highlighted, you will be convinced that you have failed at some times and responsible for your wife's reactions and actions. Na so women dey reason and act.

I've been married for some time now. Marriage is plenty of work. 100% commitment from both parties. A woman may be feeding and clothing you when you're still in school, because your papa no get and she loves you gan no wahala. However, the moment the two of you are married, don't expect that to continue oh. She go change am for you. In fact you go see anoda side of her and like Formidable1 said, she will feel used.

Bible says men should love their wives, women should submit. You see as simple as you read it, it is so plenty of determination to achieve it. Once you show a woman love like you use to show her then in school, wey make she go out of her way to support you, by providing for the home, giving her attention (this one na 99 unit course for women) and showing you care (anoda 99 unit course), she will submit to her husband easily. Anything short of the equation, day marriage go experience serious turbulence.

Lemme hold break here. May the Lord heal your home OP in Jesus name, Amen!

BlackPantherCri:
I personally don't want to believe she got down with her ex. It is a mere allegation, not substantiated by fact, he did not 'caught' her

Anyways, it is only normal for people to go through that phase, missing your ex. Him without sin cast the first stone. Can he prove he has not made contact with his ex? Does that mean he went ahead to sleep with them? . Personally all my exes were bastards, nothing to miss! Lolz! Until he has proof that she slept with her ex, it is just his anger speaking.

Helloooo! The OP never accused her of cheating. He actually claimed to trust her. It’s other guys that are suggesting that. It is not about the OP we are here for. This is about the lady. She’s wrong to be in touch with her ex. It’s sacrilegious and insulting to compare one’s exes with one’s partner.

Please, stop sounding feminist by saying stuff like that. His wife is very wrong, and it’s only a matter of time before the whole thing will blow up in his face. Unless God intervenes. I hope you are not in touch with your exes. It’s a bad idea to do so. Focus is key to success in anything we do.

Anonymus010:
I Need The Advice Of Experienced Married Men

NB: This is not my real account, I created this account for the purpose of this issue.

Please, I need the advice of married people (especially married men). I will make the story as simple as possible and I promise not to compromise the truth to favour me in this issue.

Brief Introduction: I am a man in my late 20's. Got married last year and currently have a 3month baby.

Brief history of my relationship prior to marriage: I dated my wife for 4years before we finally tied the knot last year. I met her in the university, we were classmate in school.

Before I started dating my wife, I was dating a girl in the same class but we both agreed to separate after 1year because we were age mate and she was keen on getting married immediately after graduation which I knew I will not be ready for marriage by then (Note: No sex in the relationship, She was a virgin and because I couldn't assure her of marriage, I didn't sex her).

After the break up with my ex, I became close to my wife and we started dating. She was self sufficient as she had a source of income while in school, she supports me, gives me money, cooks and buy me food etc. She was the best woman any man can think of. I fell in love along the line and decided this is the right lady to marry.

Note: There were several backlashes from other classmates insinuating she snatched me from my ex but we scaled through all that. We dated for 2more years in school and we graduated. We dated for another 2more years post school till last year.

Brief history immediately before marriage: Everything was fine till my wife's birthday last year. I did tripple shifts at work(48hrs work non-stop) and came back a night before her birthday and slept off. I woke up 2:30am to wish her happy birthday. She got angry and told me I didnt put her in mind and that I was not the first person to wish her happy birthday (She later told me her ex wished her first at exactly 12am). I apologised to her and told her the reason I missed the time. I had just 10k, gave her 5k to do a birthday photoshoot, used about 3k to buy her goodies as salary has not been paid.

Fast forward to after 1week of the birthday, she came up with serious issue, saying she wanted a break but not total break-up for some months to put herself together. She lamented she was not getting anything from the relationship, I don't usually take her out, I didnt celebrate her birthday well for her, I didnt buy cake, I didnt buy gift etc. I apologised and pleaded with her to be patient as we had big projects before us (wedding, masters degree and family apartment) which she knew I was saving for. We settled it and had sex. After 7days, I saw a call log on her phone where she had a conversation with her ex for almost an hour between 11pm and 12am. After 1month, she missed her menses and was pregnant. I asked her if she ever saw her ex, she cried and swore that she didn't (Note: I trusted her because she is modest and she is not the sex type). So, I agreed, accepted the preg, quickly arranged an impromptu wedding, I quickly sourced for money, spent over N2million on the wedding......

THE PROBLEM:

2weeks after the weeding, my wife started abusing my family especially my mum, telling me she hated how my family behaved during the wedding. I pleaded with her not to allow this to affect our home. The insults and abuse became perpetual. My wife works from home and will give me several reasons why she cannot cook after giving her money for food stuffs once I collect salary. Its just 2 of us living in a mini flat & I wash my clothes myself, but she will give me thousands of reasons how the non-existent house shores prevent her from cooking.

After 9months, she gave birth, I asked her who she wanted to come do omugo with the baby between her mum and my mum. She opted for my mum (claimed her mum will be giving her problem). Not up to 1week that my mum came over, she has started complaining about everything she does. Despite the fact that this woman will wake up 5am, wash everybody's clothes, bath the baby but she doesnt cook. My wife started complaining about her being obligated to cook every morning because of my mum's presence(Note: she doesnt cook in the morning, if I am going to work by 8am, I will either warm a left over previous night's food or source for food outside). When the complain was becoming overwhelming to the point of her almost insulting my mum in my presence, I told her I will tell my mum to go back to her house( my mum lives in a mini flat too with my dad, so they are very comfortable). She said I shouldn't. After 1 month, my mum left. The abuse, insults and complain continued. She will nag about how my mum did when she was with us, abuse and insults my family. I will appeal to her and defend my family. My wife became complete opposite of who she was when we were dating.

The real issue at hand: We would be migrating to the US soon. Lately, I can't control my wife, anytime I don't buy her idea or wish, she will rain insults on me. Just 3days ago, she told me I don't have sense repeatedly just because she said we should go and greet her mum's pastor which I told her not now but we can go later. If I tell her to do something, she will do otherwise and give me thousand of reasons she can't do it. 2months ago, I reported all her attitudes to her mum, her mum talked to her but no change, she is getting worse. Last week, I did 24hours at work, I got home, my wife didn't cook. I got into the kitchen, made custard and placed the soup on the gas cooker. We were both in the living room. She perceived the soup was getting burnt and insulted me, telling me it was because I was not the one that dropped money for the soup, thats why I wanted to burn it (She cooked the soup with her money because my salary was delayed). She insults me at will, gives me no respect and treat me as trash.(Note: I had never cheated on her and she doesn't doubt my fidelity. Likewise, I had never suspected her of such too).

I am currently scared because I know US is women's world because I have included her and the kid as my dependents in my green card petition. I am scared for my life and career because she could go worse in the US and destroy all I have laboured for.

Please kindly advise me on what I can do to change her.

Sorry for the long write up and any grammatical errors.

this sounds like symptoms of a mental illness, you should take her to a psychologist

Dalby:
For me l think you should first do a paternity test for the child. The results will indicate the decisions to take next.

You already suspect your wife on many fronts, that needs to be confirmed. There is no smoke without fire.

The advise above by the psychologist, l do not agree it is the way to go. In a marriage a man deserves as much love that the woman wants showered on her. All this talk of women are moved more by words than what you do, l do not agree. Frankly if she is seeing someone else and then you go on your knees, you would have shot yourself in the foot, as it will be counter productive. That would show incapacity and weakness in comparison to your competition.

From your narrative you are a struggling young man, and l do not know how you compare with her ex on the financial scale that could also be a determinant in this equation...you mentioned burning of food which you did not pay for, that goes further to support my assertion...

It would have been nice to have more in-depth to be able to properly advise...

If he really suspect his wife, let him go ahead to do the paternity. But two things are involved here.

If the wife is aware of this, and at the end, it turn out that the child was actually his, the wife may no longer love him again, no matter how hard he tries.

I think the first step is to lure the woman to himself, and rekindled his bonds with her, before planning to do DNA test or whatsoever, but wait, doing this might make her to lose her trust for him, they might be no trust in the marriage again.

Listen, women are meant to submit not to love, but men are meant to love, if you expect a woman to exhibit love that way, you are waisting your time.

Think about this, and thread on it carefully, but if you still love her, do what I told you, but if you think you can't continue with her, don't make her feel miserable, let her go and move on with your life. The choice is yours to make.

Boss13:
Yes - none is excluded even my wife, sisters and mother. That’s the nature of women. As you said, it’s part of their DNA and human composition. All men must know this for their own good and betterment else they would be aloof to the doings of women.

Men must understand the method their wives or the women in the lives utilize to manipulate them. For instance, my wife is the yelling type. At the beginning of the marriage, it was irritating and annoying. Now, I consider what she wants and if it’s for my own betterment and the overall betterment of the family, I will do it. If it’s exclusively for her, if she like break the house with yelling, I will not bulge. Once she knows my stance and she tries a different approach and find out I’m adamant, she gives up.

All men must prepare for eventualities and must at every point seek to improve their lives financially, and healthy wise. If you die tomorrow, your wife will move on and some may do some with another man. If you have conversations with women, their priorities is themselves, their kids, their family and then you (husband). This is a fact and not a joke. Many men here would always want to say my wife is different - I laugh in Chinese.

Please, I’m not condemning women or hating them. NO - we need women in our lives, without them many of us may not enjoy this life. However, I’m highlighting what makes women, WOMEN. Many young men will never get this till they get married. I didn’t and I thought I was a smart man when selecting women.

I will conclude with this - Understand the manipulative weapon of choice your woman uses only then you will begin to see things clearly and choose your actions appropriately. Overall, seek your own happiness first and do things that will keep you happy and healthy

You be expert oo. Will the men listen? We underestimate women’s ability to manipulate us. I just got manipulated as I dey type this sef. Like you rightly said, the key is to be aware of the mode of one’s wife’s manipulation. It is their strong weapon.

Your story is a touching one, I pray God touch your wife, she will change with time with prayers.