kunleajaye:
Here I am on the verge of graduating with a hard-earned doctorate degree. I will be defending my dissertation at the beginning of the semester in about 3 weeks, and barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will become a DSc holder. My department has offered me a position as an assistant professor, which will become official once I graduate. I have already been lecturing two courses this past year as an Adjunct Faculty. From May this year, I will henceforth be known as Dr. Adekunle Ajayi, or to put it in other terms, Adekunle Ajayi(D.Sc).

Hurray for me, right? I should be happy after all these years of hard work and sleepless nights and sacrifices, right? I should be glad that all my challenges are finally coming to an end, and I can henceforth be able to live comfortably, abi? So why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so…unfulfilled? Why do I feel so…meh about it all? It is a big deal for someone to get a very advanced degree, especially at the doctorate level. It shows you are an expert in your field. So why do I feel so different?

I’ll tell you why. A couple of years ago I posted these two stories about issues I was going through in my marriage (I don’t feel attracted to my wife anymore - https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore and My Marriage has finally Ended -https://www.nairaland.com/4270193/marriage-finally-ended). I feel I let things drag on for too long, and though I’ve ended up achieving what I set out to achieve, it has come at very painful costs to me - my marriage and family.

In the last topic I made, I mentioned my wife moved back to Nigeria with my kids. It’s now two years they’ve been gone, and from what I’ve heard so far, she has really grown her business. I give her kudos for all that, cos I knew she was very enterprising. I once told her anything she touches turns to pure gold, and I’m happy to say that today she owns a very large catering business in Lagos. She caters for weddings, birthday celebrations, organization parties, you name it. She has grown so big that sometimes she gets contracts as far as Abuja. She also has a very big restaurant there in Lagos.

She has really been doing very well since she left here. She put our kids in very good schools. I sometimes feel guilty that I probably was holding her back from fulfilling her potential by bringing her here in the first place, but the plan all those years ago when we first came was never for us to settle down in the US. We planned on getting our degrees, work for a few years, and move back home. But as we all know, life has its own way of doing things.

Unfortunately for me, I thought once she settled down, she would come to her senses about our marriage. I know circumstances put us in the situation we found ourselves in, and since she had nothing else to do after gaining her masters degree, she decided to leave. I know she made the decision without consulting me first. I took so many people’s advice when she first left to let her be, but now, I wish I had listened to my heart and been more insistent. I didn’t get to talk to her and the kids for almost six months after she left, even though I knew she was staying with her sister all the while. No one gave me her phone number, and even my parents didn’t have it (she totally refused to let them have her number). The time I finally got to talk to her was when she went to visit my mum in Ibadan. I think she convinced her to talk to me. I spoke to my kids after a long time, and they kept asking when I was coming home to be with them. My daughter told me mummy told her I decided to leave them there in Nigeria. I was dumbfounded. Even one of the twins was very angry that their classmates always had their daddy come pick them up in school, and when would I leave Us and come pick him up from school. I felt bad, but I didn’t want to turn them against their mum by saying she was the one that decided to leave with them.

When it was their birthday and I spoke to the twins, Kenny told me that “Uncle” threw a very large birthday party for them, and that they invited all their friends from school. His brother told me this “uncle” bought them so many gifts. I asked them who this uncle was, and they said it was mummy’s friend. They were so excited by what he had done for them. The kids said he sometimes spent the night in the house(they had by then moved into their own place). I asked them where this uncle slept, and they said with their mummy in her room.

I spoke to my wife about this, demanding to know who this so-called uncle was that was lying in the same bed with her. She denied knowing what I was talking about at first, but when I told her how I got to hear, she changed tone, saying it was none of my business, and I have no right questioning who she can or cannot bring into her life. Sometimes later, when I spoke to my daughter, she told me their mum flogged the boys seriously one day for telling me things that they should not be telling me. I felt betrayed. Afterwards, I couldn’t even get to talk to my kids, and my wife told me to never call them again.

Here is the shocker though, and what is really hurting me the most – I never wanted to do this doctoral degree in the first place. After my masters, I went back to Nigeria. I hunted for a job, and when I was not forthcoming with any, decided to come back to the US. My dad pushed for me to go back for my doctoral program. I didn’t want to, but when I couldn’t find the job, I relented. I was already married for about eight months then, and though she was reluctant in coming, I convinced my wife to come along.

So what’s the point of my whole epistle? I’m not here to wallow in self-pity or beg for people’s empathy. I just want people to know that sometimes, family is more important than what you stand to achieve. You can have multiple degrees, many houses, wealth, accolades, titles and such, but of what importance is it all if you don’t have the most important people in your life to share them with? Here I am, about to finish, but with a sad and empty feeling. I feel so sad I won’t see the huge smiles on the faces of my family as I walk down the stage to be conferred the title “Doctor of Science” to me. I feel so sad the sacrifices I made over the past almost ten years of my life, dedicating everything to achieving this so-called dream, has cost me those dearest to me.

mysticgal:
I had followed your story that time, I mean both of them and had somehow wished you had a little bit of patience but then life happens......

Now to this point, uncle, sincerely, you give so much excuses it pisses me off.
There is nothing I hate in a person than someone who gives excuses or blames some person or event or element for a decision he or she took.(I won’t lie but I hate it when men do this especially ).
Own your actions and acts with your chest. you worked and had a PhD and right now it doesn’t seem like what should have happened but then you freaking did it. Own it... maybe from this point you can start making progress.

All your write ups, all I saw was excuses and blame trade, I swear and Although right now, madam seems to have moved on, forgive yourself and move on too, leave those whole pathetic ‘HAD I KNOWNS’ .

Try to reach a middle ground on how to communicate with your kids and how to reorient them on what transpired between you, parents. You don’t want them forgetting or hating you...your ‘WIFE’ did not try at allllllll(she did wrong with what she fed your kids)

See, don’t use this your mindset of blames, excuses and regret to make a decision. Infact, except you think it’s going to work, don’t come to Nigeria In a bid to get them back (yes I said it). You might regret it that is if incase you are thinking it.
Work out a plan, be intentional about it, reach out to your kids and wife and make her see reasons with you and better work on yourself and your career and find a way to be happy.

My two or seven cent, choose one

I spoke to my wife about this, demanding to know who this so-called uncle was that was lying in the same bed with her.

She denied knowing what I was talking about at first, but when I told her how I got to hear, she changed tone, saying it was none of my business, and I have no right questioning who she can or cannot bring into her life.

Sometimes later, when I spoke to my daughter, she told me their mum flogged the boys seriously one day for telling me things that they should not be telling me. I felt betrayed.

https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore

https://www.nairaland.com/4270193/marriage-finally-ended

I’ll tell you why. A couple of years ago I posted these two stories about issues I was going through in my marriage (I don’t feel attracted to my wife anymore -

https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore and My Marriage has finally Ended -

https://www.nairaland.com/4270193/marriage-finally-ended).


I feel I let things drag on for too long, and though I’ve ended up achieving what I set out to achieve, it has come at very painful costs to me- my marriage and family.

In the last topic I made, I mentioned my wife moved back to Nigeria with my kids.

It’s now two years they’ve been gone, and from what I’ve heard so far, she has really grown her business. I give her kudos for all that, cos I knew she was very enterprising. I once told her anything she touches turns to pure gold, and I’m happy to say that today she owns a very large catering business in Lagos. She caters for weddings, birthday celebrations, organization parties, you name it. She has grown so big that sometimes she gets contracts as far as Abuja. She also has a very big restaurant there in Lagos.

kunleajaye:


What sort of patience would I have had, if i may ask? I did everything I could as a father and husband, and it wasn't like we were suffering.

KanwuliaExtra:
No TROWLS? And one senseless thread got to almost 30 pages of THRASH hypothesis and delusional ruminations!

Mtcheeeeeeeew!

FROOOOONT PAGE PLEAAAAAZE

A BLACK man is DYING of STRUGGLE LOVE O!

LewsTherin:


Relax. They are still coming. Maybe them go shite or something

kunleajaye:

So what’s the point of my whole epistle? I’m not here to wallow in self-pity or beg for people’s empathy. I just want people to know that sometimes, family is more important than what you stand to achieve. You can have multiple degrees, many houses, wealth, accolades, titles and such, but of what importance is it all if you don’t have the most important people in your life to share them with? Here I am, about to finish, but with a sad and empty feeling. I feel so sad I won’t see the huge smiles on the faces of my family as I walk down the stage to be conferred the title “Doctor of Science” to me. I feel so sad the sacrifices I made over the past almost ten years of my life, dedicating everything to achieving this so-called dream, has cost me those dearest to me.

kunleajaye:
Here I am on the verge of graduating with a hard-earned doctorate degree. I will be defending my dissertation at the beginning of the semester in about 3 weeks, and barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will become a DSc holder. My department has offered me a position as an assistant professor, which will become official once I graduate. I have already been lecturing two courses this past year as an Adjunct Faculty. From May this year, I will henceforth be known as Dr. Adekunle Ajayi, or to put it in other terms, Adekunle Ajayi(D.Sc).

Hurray for me, right? I should be happy after all these years of hard work and sleepless nights and sacrifices, right? I should be glad that all my challenges are finally coming to an end, and I can henceforth be able to live comfortably, abi? So why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so…unfulfilled? Why do I feel so…meh about it all? It is a big deal for someone to get a very advanced degree, especially at the doctorate level. It shows you are an expert in your field. So why do I feel so different?

I’ll tell you why. A couple of years ago I posted these two stories about issues I was going through in my marriage (I don’t feel attracted to my wife anymore - https://www.nairaland.com/3415462/dont-feel-attracted-wife-anymore and My Marriage has finally Ended -https://www.nairaland.com/4270193/marriage-finally-ended). I feel I let things drag on for too long, and though I’ve ended up achieving what I set out to achieve, it has come at very painful costs to me - my marriage and family.

In the last topic I made, I mentioned my wife moved back to Nigeria with my kids. It’s now two years they’ve been gone, and from what I’ve heard so far, she has really grown her business. I give her kudos for all that, cos I knew she was very enterprising. I once told her anything she touches turns to pure gold, and I’m happy to say that today she owns a very large catering business in Lagos. She caters for weddings, birthday celebrations, organization parties, you name it. She has grown so big that sometimes she gets contracts as far as Abuja. She also has a very big restaurant there in Lagos.

She has really been doing very well since she left here. She put our kids in very good schools. I sometimes feel guilty that I probably was holding her back from fulfilling her potential by bringing her here in the first place, but the plan all those years ago when we first came was never for us to settle down in the US. We planned on getting our degrees, work for a few years, and move back home. But as we all know, life has its own way of doing things.

Unfortunately for me, I thought once she settled down, she would come to her senses about our marriage. I know circumstances put us in the situation we found ourselves in, and since she had nothing else to do after gaining her masters degree, she decided to leave. I know she made the decision without consulting me first. I took so many people’s advice when she first left to let her be, but now, I wish I had listened to my heart and been more insistent. I didn’t get to talk to her and the kids for almost six months after she left, even though I knew she was staying with her sister all the while. No one gave me her phone number, and even my parents didn’t have it (she totally refused to let them have her number). The time I finally got to talk to her was when she went to visit my mum in Ibadan. I think she convinced her to talk to me. I spoke to my kids after a long time, and they kept asking when I was coming home to be with them. My daughter told me mummy told her I decided to leave them there in Nigeria. I was dumbfounded. Even one of the twins was very angry that their classmates always had their daddy come pick them up in school, and when would I leave Us and come pick him up from school. I felt bad, but I didn’t want to turn them against their mum by saying she was the one that decided to leave with them.

When it was their birthday and I spoke to the twins, Kenny told me that “Uncle” threw a very large birthday party for them, and that they invited all their friends from school. His brother told me this “uncle” bought them so many gifts. I asked them who this uncle was, and they said it was mummy’s friend. They were so excited by what he had done for them. The kids said he sometimes spent the night in the house(they had by then moved into their own place). I asked them where this uncle slept, and they said with their mummy in her room.

I spoke to my wife about this, demanding to know who this so-called uncle was that was lying in the same bed with her. She denied knowing what I was talking about at first, but when I told her how I got to hear, she changed tone, saying it was none of my business, and I have no right questioning who she can or cannot bring into her life. Sometimes later, when I spoke to my daughter, she told me their mum flogged the boys seriously one day for telling me things that they should not be telling me. I felt betrayed. Afterwards, I couldn’t even get to talk to my kids, and my wife told me to never call them again.

Here is the shocker though, and what is really hurting me the most – I never wanted to do this doctoral degree in the first place. After my masters, I went back to Nigeria. I hunted for a job, and when I was not forthcoming with any, decided to come back to the US. My dad pushed for me to go back for my doctoral program. I didn’t want to, but when I couldn’t find the job, I relented. I was already married for about eight months then, and though she was reluctant in coming, I convinced my wife to come along.

So what’s the point of my whole epistle? I’m not here to wallow in self-pity or beg for people’s empathy. I just want people to know that sometimes, family is more important than what you stand to achieve. You can have multiple degrees, many houses, wealth, accolades, titles and such, but of what importance is it all if you don’t have the most important people in your life to share them with? Here I am, about to finish, but with a sad and empty feeling. I feel so sad I won’t see the huge smiles on the faces of my family as I walk down the stage to be conferred the title “Doctor of Science” to me. I feel so sad the sacrifices I made over the past almost ten years of my life, dedicating everything to achieving this so-called dream, has cost me those dearest to me.

kunleajaye:
. I spoke to my kids after a long time, and they kept asking when I was coming home to be with them. My daughter told me mummy told her I decided to leave them there in Nigeria. I was dumbfounded.