Ishilove:
Y'all don't know how difficult and time consuming updating a story is. Try it for a week, especially if you have a time consuming job, and come back and testify. The creative process in itself is energy sapping so y'all should cut him some slack.

flow1759:

Why una no fit understand person sef.

I have been busy at Work lately. No be so i dey update before na.

Abi i go leave work com dey Update?

To update takes more time than to comment.

Haba! Make una understand me na.

Ishilove: Ichor. The whitish stuff you swallowed from the cockroach's crushed carcass is ichor. When you crush insects, the whitish stuff that oozes out is ichor, not cockroach shit.

"The meat was so delicious that i almost chew my tongue along with it"- CHEWED. You are using the first person narrative style, you are narrating what has already happened, so it is past. Hence you should use past tense.

A Mallam: 'mallam' in the context you have used it isn't a proper noun, so the first letter shouldnt be capitalised.

"300naira own" Brainbox answered.
"we fit taste am?" Brainbox asked"- Brainbox Brainbox...do you see what I see? I'll tell you what I see: I see wrong repetition. Since it is the same character speaking, there is no need to separate the sentences into paragraphs. Try

"300naira own" Brainbox answered. "shey we fit taste am?" he asked further.


"his beard was longer and more bushy than that of Osama"- bushier

The surrounding was so dirty that, if the
population of the flies that flew around were
taken, it would amount to over One million.

The floor of the shop was also flooded with
what looked like Urine.

Since you're giving readers a description of the shop, the sentences should be in the same paragraph. Paragraphs are meant for different subject matters. The second paragraph is still describing the same shop, so there is no need for it to be seperated, hence it should be

"The surrounding was so dirty that, if the
population of the flies that flew around were
taken, it would amount to over One million.The floor of the shop was also flooded with what looked like Urine."

"Since the shop was clouded with stench of"-clouded/stench. Visual/olfactory. A place cannot be clouded with stench. Rather it can be clouded by smoke, mist, fog: we can visualise these elements. We can see then with out eyes. Stench on the other hand is olfactory, has to do with our sense of smell. We cannot SEE smell which the word 'clouded' connotes. Instead the place reeked with the stench. Stank, funked etc

"i saw a cockroach crawled towards my chair."- crawling

"soon my hands was infested with pepper" - I think you should change this word. 'Infested' brings to mind diseases and plagues . In addition, it should be 'my hands were, not was. 'Were' plural (hands), 'was' singular (hand)

So there you have it, flow, my observations, as you asked me to.

Hilarious narrative, by the way. You seem to be living an interesting life . You kind of remind me of sebonzakura kageyoshi, sans the pidgin and censored words . Keep writing flow, you are getting there. And guy, you are one heck of a talented writer