I am back again.

If you recall the last time I posted here I was looking for advice on how to say goodbye to my boyfriend.  I did leave him but he came back begging for me to stay with him.  He cried in front of me and I felt so sorry for him.  He told me that his ex-wife was just his baby mama and that he needed a little more time to help her back to Nigeria and that then I would be his only woman and his wife.  He said there will be no more Junior wife and Senior wife talk ever.

So why am I back here looking for more advice?

I went back to him (my heart was hurting like his), I believed him and now things have changed again.

I am confused and not sure what to do at this point and time.

We had a very frank conversation last week and all I can do is think about what he said, what that means for me and what I should do.

Let me first say that he is second man in my life to treat me with this level of respect and love.  He is so romantic and I am so in love with him.
My brain tells me to run very fast and very far away, but my heart does not want this to happen so it is talking to my brain and telling me to stay.  Let me share with you what is going on in my brain as the two halves talk to each other.

I am a 36 year old divorced mother of 5 and grandmother of 1.  He came into my life after a failed marriage and other failed relationships.  He swept me off my feet with lots of love and attention.  He took me out, he sent love text messages, he was at my house almost everyday, showering me with gifts always making sure I am taken care of, and very romantic.  I have even met the exwife she seems very nice.  He was not as affectionate in front of her with me as he always is but I have only met her twice, once with him and once with him not being there.  She always says thank you to me and the kids seem very nice.

I always pick the wrong guy and have had some very bad relationships since my last good one 3 year ago ended.  I want to be married with the white picket fence, a cat and a faithful good husband that is 100% mine.  I have everything except for the husband. I am a very good woman or at least I used to think that.  I am starting to wonder if my value is maybe not as high as I would like for it to be.  I am wondering if I am only good enough for second place.

I asked him what made me only good enough for second place and his response was you’re not worth second place but worth first place.  You’re my favorite is what he had the nerve to say to me.  He also said that he will never “leave” his wife.   He said that it does not matter that the courts divorced them she still is his wife of 18 years and the mother of his children and that over time she would come to accept me as her junior.   He also said that he knows lots of Nigerian men that have two wives, one in Nigeria and one in the USA.  He says that they all get along together just fine. 

I would love to talk to women who have walked this path.

I know that I must leave him but I am afraid.  What if I don’t find another man?  What if this is my last chance?  What if this is the best there is for me?  What will the other women say to me?  How will they treat me when I show up with him?  What is the reaction of the children when they find this out, specifically the American children?  How long can I ignore her existence when she returns to Nigeria?  How often will she call my house or visit him?  Do the senior wives ever cheat on their husbands while they are out of the country?  What is life like with two wives in the same house, because at some point he wants to move back to Nigeria? Why did he lie to me when I tried to leave in October?  And now he has a nonchalant attitude about the whole thing.  He says that if I cant accept her as my Senior wife then I should stop seeing him and date other people.  Is he just seeing if I will go?  When I called later that night he said I knew you were not going anywhere “you are my body”-what does that mean?  Am I a home wrecker?  What do they do to home wreckers in Nigeria?

Ladies please help me.  I am in deep love with him and don’t know how to make myself leave.  Please has anyone been there done that?  Please tell me how you survived or how you did it?  If you read this far please help if you can.  I read here so I know I will get insults but if somewhere in the insulting you could just show a little pity on a fellow sister that is hurting and in love, confused and scared.

If this was my daughter I would tell her she is beautiful and has a full life ahead of her.  But it is me and I am living it and to be frank there are no good men in my area to pick from they are all lame ass no good men.  So do I just settle and use him like he is using me until something better comes along?

He is 47 and she is 46.

Also is this ‘big boi’ behavior?  I have heard that phrase thrown around.

get back in the kitchen woman

This na the case of who is usin who, girl leave as a WINNER and not as a loser! sure you're in love with a man you know you can't have.

One more thing that confuses me. How can his family say that they love me and they are happy their brother is with me? They say I am a blessing to him and he is so happy with me. Do the family members, brothers and sisters just agree with whatever their sibling does? He is not the oldest child.

Ehise99:

get back in the kitchen woman

I am so happy that your girl left you.Now I see why she was sending text messages to a boy name abe.

Hope4ever:

I am a 36 year old divorced mother of 5 and grandmother of 1.

Of the whole post, this is the one sentence that jumped out at me and smacked me right between the eyes. Grandmother at 36 with five children to boot in this century? Wow. No wonder you are eager to believe the crap he is feeding you. You must feel that your options are severely limited.

Sapphic:

You must feel that your options are severely limited.

Yes I do.

I am too embarrassed to talk about this with any of my IRL friends. I need the women and men here to help me talk this out. I feel silly coming here but I need some place where I am not known to talk this out.

Some men marry more than one wife, some women are content to be the second wife. It's not my thing though, but if its something up your street, go for it, you wouldn't be the first and you definitely would not be the last.

Are you willing to relocate with him back to Nigeria though? If no, you might as well start severing the links ASAP, before things get any deeper, otherwise you would be setting yourself up for future heartache.

The greatest challenge here is that you have not given yourself value.
You have a bruised ego and you feel you cant be the best even though you are desiring to be one
No Man is worth it
Give yourself value and you will be amazed at the unlimited possibilities
It can be very hurting but you have to leave this Man and move on

@ Hope4ever

i ave been there b4, i know what it meant 4 a woman, when a guy try to eat his cake and also ave it back at the same time.
my dear please dont be deceived, you are only being used, at the end you'l ave nothing to gain from it all.

believe me you are a strong woman indeed, dont allow him to play on ur intelligence or emotions.

just zero ur mind from it and with time ul get over it.

@ Hope4ever

i ave been there b4, i know what it meant 4 a woman, when a guy try to eat his cake and also ave it back at the same time.
my dear please dont be deceived, you are only being used, at the end you'l ave nothing to gain from it all.

believe me you are a strong woman indeed, dont allow him to play on ur intelligence or emotions.

just zero ur mind from it and with time ul get over it.

LIMUEL:

The greatest challenge here is that you have not given yourself value.

Before this no one couldn't tell me that I was not the shit. Now I am questioning it. Now yes my value is down just like the stock market.

I like to win. And walking away means I don't win or does it mean that I do win. I love Nigerian men but now I am scared of them. There is really no way for me to find out if they have a wife and family back home. There are no record keeping places like here in the USA. I can just google a guy or run an online background check to verify his status or information. When they are from Nigeria there is no way to do that, there is no way to protect myself.

The loosers in my area are just that loosers. I dont want any of these people on my property let alone in my life. But I also know that if I went forward with this relationship then I would be lying to everyone around me about him. I could never admit to anyone that Hope could not get a man that is all hers.

How can he say he is a christian and still want to do this? I thought dating and falling in love with a christian would be enough to secure that he was really single.

emilyone:

@ Hope4ever

i ave been there b4, i know what it meant 4 a woman, when a guy try to eat his cake and also ave it back at the same time.
my dear please dont be deceived, you are only being used, at the end you'l ave nothing to gain from it all.

believe me you are a strong woman indeed, dont allow him to play on ur intelligence or emotions.

just zero ur mind from it and with time ul get over it.

Thanks. I know that I will get over him but I am afraid of being alone. The more I think about it the madder I get really. He lied to me back in October when I tried to end it. He sat there and swore on the bible and lied to me. How can he call himself a christian and still lie to me like that?

Hope,
I understand your fears; being alone
It can be hurting but its better to pay the price now and move on than pay this price all your life
It does not matter who wins or loses
You are only making choices that will restore your ego
You will find love that will accept you the way you are

This tale is simply too long but the part that shocked me the most was

I am a 36 year old divorced mother of 5 and grandmother of 1. He came into my life after a failed marriage and other failed relationships. He swept me off my feet with lots of love and attention. He took me out, he sent love text messages, he was at my house almost everyday, showering me with gifts always making sure I am taken care of, and very romantic. I have even met the exwife she seems very nice. He was not as affectionate in front of her with me as he always is but I have only met her twice, once with him and once with him not being there. She always says thank you to me and the kids seem very nice

.

Why is that shocking?

Hope4ever:

Why is that shocking?

a grand ma at 46 is not a regular lite here in Nigeria.

The truth is, the dude is Using you ok. Its just something immigrants do, and his Family (including his present wife - Trust me, they aint divorced) will smile at you becos as far as they are concerned, YOU are the key to there brothers success in abroad.

Run Forest run. . .you are being used.

will u guys please grow up, whats the big deal in being a grand mum at 36

perhaps she gave birth early life. it happens which is ok. rather than abortion

I did give birth early. She is 21 do the math. But she finished college last year (June) and I am happy that she did not follow my footsteps. She is working and her bf proposed marriage last November. She just found out 2 days ago that she is pregnant, and they have moved up their date for the wedding and will be getting married in March.

Now back to me.

Can anyone answer my questions regarding Christianity and Nigerian men?
Are there certian type of Nigerian men that I should stay away from?
Is there a litmus test that I can give the men I meet to find out if I should still date them?
Is there a way to fully investigate a Nigerian man?
What advice do you have for an American girl that loves Nigerian men?

A life time won't be enuff to answer those questions of yours.
A lot of 'solution' techniques are available for you to try out. It all depends on your level of faith & insight (if you have any). . .coz u don't sound like someone who does.

Make your choice after saying a prayer cos no one knows what the future holds. Consultations don't help in your situation cos its simply about taking chances.

My watchword: Greatness comes out of Severity.

he lied swearing on the bible??

Run, Forrest, RUN!!

Czarskit:

A life time won't be enuff to answer those questions of yours.
A lot of 'solution' techniques are available for you to try out. It all depends on your level of faith & insight (if you have any). . .coz u don't sound like someone who does.

Make your choice after saying a prayer cos no one knows what the future holds. Consultations don't help in your situation cos its simply about taking chances.

My watchword: Greatness comes out of Severity.

I am not really sure what you are talking about.
What are these solutions that you elude to in your post?

Should I just leave Nigerian men alone because there is no way for an American girl like me to know the real from the fake?

If you are really keen about getting answer to the questions, this is it sis' ,

Be still,

Go inward,

Hope4ever:

I am not really sure what you are talking about.
What are these solutions that you elude to in your post?

Should I just leave Nigerian men alone because there is no way for an American girl like me to know the real from the fake?

men in your area and nigerian men are ugly rumour to you try becoming a nun.

i just finished reading the book  If God Is So Good, Why Are Blacks Doing So Bad? by James Dixon.  black american christian men are not better than their nigerian God using cousins.  i will give you guys 100% on ability to talk right and 5% on living right.  nigerians are no better so try the arabs.

i think you should work on yourself and forget relationships for now.  

good luck

@ post
Seems to me that you seek encouragement rather than advice. . .
'Everything depends on U'. . . Put this in mind and you'll choose right my dear.

The glory will be yours if u succeed, so also will be the shame if u fail (GOD forbid). . .

U'r choice should be dependent on U & ur partner. Two 'solution' techniques available are:
1. Do the Dare.
2. Take a Bow.

I dont know what to say, ur situation is kinda dicey,  the best thing is for u is to really think about what you want.

If you are looking for happiness now, ill say go for it but then be aware that it might turn cold later (be prepared)

If not, ill say raise ur value as a woman and wait for the right man to come along. It surely will

Hope4ever

You can always take a trip down to Nija to find out more about your Nija man

I asked him what made me only good enough for second place and his response was you’re not worth second place but worth first place. You’re my favorite is what he had the nerve to say to me. He also said that he will never “leave” his wife. He said that it does not matter that the courts divorced them she still is his wife of 18 years and the mother of his children and that over time she would come to accept me as her junior. He also said that he knows lots of Nigerian men that have two wives, one in Nigeria and one in the USA. He says that they all get along together just fine.



I know that I must leave him but I am afraid. What if I don’t find another man? What if this is my last chance? What if this is the best there is for me?
What is life like with two wives in the same house, because at some point he wants to move back to Nigeria? Why did he lie to me when I tried to leave in October? And now he has a nonchalant attitude about the whole thing. He says that if I cant accept her as my Senior wife then I should stop seeing him and date other people. Is he just seeing if I will go? When I called later that night he said I knew you were not going anywhere “you are my body”-what does that mean? Am I a home wrecker? What do they do to home wreckers in Nigeria?

hope hope hope hw many times did i call you. take a good look at wot u typed with ur own hands. step back wipe ur eyes and read it again. i fear for u. insecurity and all screams from ur posting.A man is telling you he cant leave his wife and she will always be senior and stuff. u ar saying u need a man u can call urs and urs alone. cant u see? i can bet u, THIS MAN IS NOT DIVORCED. His wife is somewhere with his kids, praying and awaiting his return and ure there day dreaming.ok if he is divorced wot reason did he give for leaving his wife? wot did his ex do or wot DID HE DO HIMSELF? Wot ar his long term plans, does he want to live d rest of his life in d states? will u go back to nigeria with him eventually? i tell u with the scenerio he is alreading painting snr wife , junior wife shit, u wont believe the mess u got urself into if u decide to follow him to nigeria.
someone is using mind games on u, seeing how vunerable u are'' “you are my body”. that is shit and ure eating it. someone acts like they have u in d palm of their hand and u'd always come back to him cos ure his body. lol lol
he wants to eat his cake and have it too.
finally fear not, wot is yours is yours. if ure a good woman as u say, u will meet others just the way u met him. let time b d judge

tRoOE:

Black American women will never learn

i dey tell u , i dey tell u. 
d thing just dey pain me

If the whole post, this is the one sentence that jumped out at me and smacked me right between the eyes. Grandmother at 36 with five children to boot in this century? Wow. No wonder you are eager to believe the crap he is feeding you. You must feel that your options are severely limited.

I seriously dont understand these people. To ba ya dogs like girl22 will start barking.

This whole thing is embarrassing.

Jeez, man's not everything.

tRoOE:

Black American women will never learn

R U saying that Black American women should stay away from Nigerian men?

KarmaMod:

I seriously dont understand these people. To ba ya dogs like girl22 will start barking.

This whole thing is embarrassing.

Embarrassing does not start to describe how I feel at this time. I tried to leave, he begged and pleaded and swore on the bible. It is just now that his words have changed and now he going back on everything that he said in October.

How can I screen the next Nigerian brother that comes my way? How can i protect my heart from feeling this pain next time around?

I really thought I had found a jem in him. But it was all BS.