This is weird as I'm not a writer but I'll try.

I have tried to find my way but somehow I am lost without any idea of how I got here. I've tried prayer but it is empty, I don't feel any connection, hymns and the songs I loved while growing up sounds familiar but very strange. I've read books, listened to my favourite comedians yet the pleasure I used to derive from the things I loved and enjoyed doing is lost.

I don't know how I got here or how to leave. It's like I'm in a dark closed container, there is no going forward or backwards. I enjoy playing, making people smile even if they refuse to laugh. I still play, it's inbuilt. I don't know how to stop helping or caring for people but the smile or laugh during these periods is just like the weather, a little storm but the sun clears it, for me, there is no sun. It is all darkness and noise and all I want is peace.

I cannot sleep because I will be jerked back to life by something I can't explain. In simple form, my sleep is hunted (I hardly watch horror movies). I lie down and close my eyes just to avoid talking sometimes to uneasy, the burden of my mind wandering to places I don't know (it doesn't help also).

It is worse when I am awake might be the worse, more like a war in my head. It has gotten too much to bear. My head and my chest feel like I'm carrying a heavy load. The more I try to unburden the heavier they get. It has slowly lead me to self-harm. I love myself too much but the marks on my wrist say otherwise, and many times I can't help it. I don't know how ready I am but the voices in my head get louder. I somehow feel like I am delaying the inevitable and with each passing day, there is a stronger fog ahead. I try to enter but I'm pushed back.

There is light that comes every morning to clear away the fog. Please keep safe and don't give up on God. He will do it. Amen.