I left Lafia in Nasarawa State yesterday after spending 3 days for a business feasibility studies. It was past 2pm and I couldn't get a vehicle to convey me to Enugu by that time. I thought of lodging again in Lafia but I had a change of mind, I had to rush to Maraba Akunza to get a vehicle heading to Markudi.

I got to Markudi and I decided to proceed to Aliade in Gwer East LGA of Venue State. While in Aliade, I stood by the road till past 5pm without getting a vehicle going to Enugu. By 6:21pm, I decided to look for a cheap guest house to put up for the night. I made inquiries and was told there are 3 guest houses in the town. I went to the first 2 and their rooms were occupied. The same Okada man took me to the last one and their rooms weren't booked to the last. I decided to settle in there.

I started shouting 'kpamkpam! kpamkpam!! kpamkpam!!!' I did that to let the receptionist know a guest was around. I did not see any sign of human existence. I went through the corridors to check around and I met one man eating roasted yam and palm oil.

I asked him if he didn't hear me shouting. He said: "Onne (my guy) no vex, I bin dey hungry. I say make i quickly chop this roasted yam before it gets cold"

I told him no wahala.

I want to lodge.

He asked me if it is short time or day break? I answered him na sleep I want sleep. I will leave the next morning my 5am. He said 'okay' I asked him how much per a room?

He said 800 naira.

The price shock me aswear.

He repeated and said 800 naira only per a night. I said no wahala. I gave him 1k and asked him to keep the change.

He asked me to wait for him outside while he tidy the room for me.

I saw him coming out with bush meats. I opened my mouth and shouted 'ah ah' oga where did you see bush meats. I dey like eat bush meat well-well. He wiped the sweats off his face with his shirt and said "no be bush meat o. Na some rats I killed inside the room I want you to lodge"

I shouted obara Jisos!

He took the rats and flung them into the bush.

He went into another room and brought a bag that contained some stones and a catapult, a cutlass, and handed them over to me. I said Oga, I no dey go hunting, I no be Isakkaba man. Why are you giving me these items instead of giving me a towel, a soap, and a tissue? He looked at me and shaked his head. He told me I needed the catapult and the cutlass to fight the rats and mosquitoes.

He asked me to follow him to check-in into my room. He carefully opened the door, and told me to use the big stone behind the door to wedge the door when I want to sleep.

I said omoh!

Duke! you don enter one chance guest house.

I legit said 'odeshi' nothing dey happen.

By 10pm, I started hearing a sound that sounded like the sound of 1924 crashing helipcopter. I jumped up from the bed with the cutlass to know what the sound was. I went out and discovered it was the generator that was making that sound.

I went inside to turn-on the ceiling fan and I discovered it was not fanning well. I used my phone light to check and I saw a giant rat holding the blade of the fan with one hand and eating corn with the other hand.

I picked up my shoe to flog the rat, the rat grabbed my shoe and ran into the ceiling.

The fan started turning but it sounded as if it was mentioning my name- 'du-ku, du-ku du-ku' I used my hand to force the fan to rotate faster and the speed increased a bit while the fan was shouting my other name - 'chuku-lezie chuku-lezie chuku-lezie'.

I said wahala!

I left it that way when suddenly I heard something that brushed my shoulder and I turned on my phone light and discovered they were mosquitoes that were as big as a birds. I brought out the catapult and stones and started shooting them.

I became tired and left the room. I came outside and saw other lodgers sitting outside with hand fans gisting and pressing their phones.

I went inside, carried the cutlass, the catapult, and the remaining stones and handed them over to the manager and told him I will sleep outside.

Thank God I'm finally back to Enugu.

©Duke Chukwulezie